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How to lessen the damage of a child of a narcissistic father?

M

mycutepup2

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Those who read my thread know what I am going through. Married to an almost 77 year old narcistic man. Going through a non traditional divorce where he will be staying at the family home during his parenting time.

My husband is very condescending and the problem is he sees nothing wrong with being rude and condescending. The people he is associated with insult him just like he insults them and he's see nothing wrong with being insulted either or at least that's what he tells me. For example, he told a guy he had lunch with that he (my husband) can afford to buy any car he wants, the business associate said 'Well the difference between you and I, is that you can buy any car you want and I can buy any car dealer I want'. My friends and associates will never ever say those kind of things to me because I do not give them a reason to insult me.
Now the real problem is our 12 year old son sees his dad's condescending behavior as normal and is copying it. I have many many talks with my child, I even offer him a reward any time he recognizes and points out his dad's condescending behavior to his dad in private. All I want is for my child to grow up into a well adjusted and respectful person, how do I redirect him from being condescending to a polite person so he has a healthy social life and can build strong and healthy personal relationships? Any suggestion is appreciated.
 
MollyBloom

MollyBloom

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No one can heal in an environment that makes you ill. There is no compromise in healing. You can't heal from cancer by only cutting away a part because the cancer will remain. You need to leave this man. There are no other solutions for you and your son.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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This is quite a dilemma. There are a few facets to it.

1. The most serious danger is that your son has already been turned into a narcissist by his father's unfathomable behaviors, as well as being his father's son he might have inherited the genetic traits for it. If so there is unfortunately little that can be done about it. The silver lining is that if it has NOT already happened, your son at his age is probably out of that danger. Detecting narcissism in children is more difficult than in adults, because narc behavior stands out particularly for being childish.

2. The general recommendation for dealing with a narcissist is No Contact. By living in the same household as his father, your son is being put in serious danger of psychological maladjustment. The question should be given full attention whether an alternative arrangement can be found. What important purpose is being served by keeping both of them in the same household, that trumps your son's safe well-being?

3. Your son is at the age when he naturally start taking more after his father and paying less attention to his mother. This is a developmental process that is difficult to influence. It seems unrealistic to expect that a boy starting his teens can be influenced to stop taking notice of his father. The way to do so might be along the lines you describe, but then an intensive education of your son in the subject of narcissism is called for. Alternatively, a more radical (and risky) approach is to paint a picture that is more metaphysical than factual, which I won't elaborate on at this time. I can't recommend it. I doubt approaches such as these could be successful until your son is quite a bit older, especially since his mental state has probably already been eroded by his father's behavior.


Conclusion: find a way to get your son and his father into different households and then limit their contact as much as possible. There is probably no suitable solution for same-household living.
 
RapblasterMaster

RapblasterMaster

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I'm thinking about it, and he sounds like an old miserable man, I think that its common for us to label a narc, though a problem arises that once you commit to calling him a narc then you will get misinformed advice. He is not necessarily A Narcissist.
 
M

mycutepup2

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I'm thinking about it, and he sounds like an old miserable man, I think that its common for us to label a narc, though a problem arises that once you commit to calling him a narc then you will get misinformed advice. He is not necessarily A Narcissist.
He is not a miserable old man, he's a miserable man with an extremely traumatic childhood, raised in a home by a step mother where emotional neglect happened very often. My husband is the one who informed me that he was called a narcissist by women he dated decades before he met me. I heard the word 'Narcissist' for the first time in my life from him then.
 
RapblasterMaster

RapblasterMaster

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He is not a miserable old man, he's a miserable man with an extremely traumatic childhood, raised in a home by a step mother where emotional neglect happened very often. My husband is the one who informed me that he was called a narcissist by women he dated decades before he met me. I heard the word 'Narcissist' for the first time in my life from him then.
thats fair enough then, forgive me the term is overused though
 
M

mycutepup2

Active member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
29
This is quite a dilemma. There are a few facets to it.

1. The most serious danger is that your son has already been turned into a narcissist by his father's unfathomable behaviors, as well as being his father's son he might have inherited the genetic traits for it. If so there is unfortunately little that can be done about it. The silver lining is that if it has NOT already happened, your son at his age is probably out of that danger. Detecting narcissism in children is more difficult than in adults, because narc behavior stands out particularly for being childish.

2. The general recommendation for dealing with a narcissist is No Contact. By living in the same household as his father, your son is being put in serious danger of psychological maladjustment. The question should be given full attention whether an alternative arrangement can be found. What important purpose is being served by keeping both of them in the same household, that trumps your son's safe well-being?

3. Your son is at the age when he naturally start taking more after his father and paying less attention to his mother. This is a developmental process that is difficult to influence. It seems unrealistic to expect that a boy starting his teens can be influenced to stop taking notice of his father. The way to do so might be along the lines you describe, but then an intensive education of your son in the subject of narcissism is called for. Alternatively, a more radical (and risky) approach is to paint a picture that is more metaphysical than factual, which I won't elaborate on at this time. I can't recommend it. I doubt approaches such as these could be successful until your son is quite a bit older, especially since his mental state has probably already been eroded by his father's behavior.


Conclusion: find a way to get your son and his father into different households and then limit their contact as much as possible. There is probably no suitable solution for same-household living.
I wanted to mention that my husband (stbx) will be in the same house with the children and I in the weekends only.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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I wanted to mention that my husband (stbx) will be in the same house with the children and I in the weekends only.

All right, that is better and increases flexibility, but then the question becomes even more pressing: why does he need to be there at all?
 
M

mycutepup2

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All right, that is better and increases flexibility, but then the question becomes even more pressing: why does he need to be there at all?
Because I feel that he is not all trash and legally he has the right to be with the kids and vice versa. If I am not careful I could make things worse, e.g he will fight for 50 percent custody, which means that he will have the children 50% of the time and my daughter will be fallen into pieces.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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Because I feel that he is not all trash and legally he has the right to be with the kids and vice versa. If I am not careful I could make things worse, e.g he will fight for 50 percent custody, which means that he will have the children 50% of the time and my daughter will be fallen into pieces.

I am beginning to understand your dilemma.
 
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