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How to keep a narcissist/sociopath around?

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Financial_ad429

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Jul 21, 2021
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I’ve been involved with a textbook narcissist & avoidant attachment guy for a few years. Calls himself a sociopath too (“I don’t form attachments”). Would love to understand him better so I can keep him around. I do NOT wish to change him or think I can.
He’s married but YEARS ago left his wife and child “for work” and will readily admit he didn’t have to, just felt like it, for $/selfishness/freedom. He says he barely speaks to his wife, which I believe, if only bc he would call me every night when visiting his child for hours, and they aren’t even social media friends lol.



We’ve been sexually involved but then he’ll randomly announce he doesn’t need it and reject me. He’ll tell me he doesn’t want me sexually while calling me for phone sex almost every night or asking for an occasional oral favor in person. Tells me we are just friends, then gets belligerent if I admit to dating anyone else. Once he claimed he was really interested in some faraway woman, told me to find someone else, and we didn’t speak for a while. During that, I slept with 1 person once after getting to know him for months. And when I later told the narcissist this, He freaked out and said he’ll never sleep with me again because of what I did. Because of what? He specifically told me to find someone else! Yet he continues tons of sexual conversations with me, And obsesses over trying to find out details of my single encounter that wasn’t him. Recently he said he was upset that taking me out to a nice dinner didn’t seem to be good enough for me since it wasn’t followed by sex. He says he just wants to be alone and doesn’t want sex because it involves connection with another human, yet he texts me all day, if we go out then he’ll start texting me again within half an hour. And some of that is sexual. Sometimes talks about how we “could’ve ended up together”



I know he’ll always go thru cycles of pushing me away, whether it’s acting religious (“I can’t have sex outside of marriage”) or just disappearing bc he wants his freedom. But I really do love being around him & the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me. So how do I keep him around… knowing he’s personality disordered and I’ll never have him as a “normal” partner?
 
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Financial_ad429

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i Don’t think he’s going to magically be a good partner… just don’t want to lose his highs And drama in my life
 
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Keesha

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Oh boy.
Red flags everywhere.
These people are right.
He isn’t worth investing any time in.
 
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Financial_ad429

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He’s one giant waving red flag. I don’t want him around for a healthy partnership. I just thrive on the drama
 
lisa_wa

lisa_wa

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I sound so judgmental and I'm really sorry but.......why would you want to? He doesnt love you, he doesn't want you. He has nothing positive to offer you. What do you think he adds to your life?
 
lisa_wa

lisa_wa

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Ohhhhhh the drama? Why would you enjoy that? Do something else to add drama to your life. You want to keep him but he pushes your buttons to make you feel insecure and you enjoy that. I am at a loss for words.
 
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Financial_ad429

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Good question. I do feel he “wants” me. The way he totally obsessed over the one sexual encounter I had, the way he shares even unflattering things like “I’m a sociopath and basically a recluse.” I feel special and like I’m “let in,” and I just genuinely enjoy and feel captivated by him.
 
lisa_wa

lisa_wa

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Good question. I do feel he “wants” me. The way he totally obsessed over the one sexual encounter I had, the way he shares even unflattering things like “I’m a sociopath and basically a recluse.” I feel special and like I’m “let in,” and I just genuinely enjoy and feel captivated by him.
So he's a challenge for you? You'll feel special if he lets you in?
 
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Financial_ad429

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So he's a challenge for you? You'll feel special if he lets you in?
Exactly. In fact it was the case. We worked at the same firm and everyone else in the office used to say that he listened to no one, blew off/dismissed most everyone, except for me (like would directly do what I’d advise for a project)
 
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2Much2Feel

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Exactly. In fact it was the case. We worked at the same firm and everyone else in the office used to say that he listened to no one, blew off/dismissed most everyone, except for me (like would directly do what I’d advise for a project)
I was just going to ask you if he happened to be an attorney, lol. Your situation sounds so much like one I went through for years and years, and I get that high that you get from feeling like you're the one "let in" and everyone who wants to be isn't. These guys can be v charming, really exciting to be around, etc. I can't say I regret it all, as I believe we go through certain experiences for a multitude of reasons plus I had some really amazing times w him, but I can say that you're in for a world of hurt. Took me years to get over him. The damage they do and you do to yourself during these roller coaster relations w someone who does not care about you, although he may know how to act like he does or feel a hit to his large ego when you find someone else, he doesn't care and in the end, just be prepared to be devastated. That's the best advice I can offer. Only you can know whether it's worth it to you or not, but it does cause kinda permanent damage, at least in my case it has.

Be careful. I'm guessing you may have some MH issues of your own if you're getting off on this, and I get that, as I do have my own thrill seeking behaviour issues. But if you do hit really low lows in life typically, these can be seriously dangerous situations to put yourself through (ie, if you self harm, etc.). Best of luck to you. I know no one in my life understands my choices w him, and likely people aren't going to understand yours, its ultimately yourself you have to live with for the choices that you make and what you are willing to put up with. xx
 
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Financial_ad429

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I was just going to ask you if he happened to be an attorney, lol. Your situation sounds so much like one I went through for years and years, and I get that high that you get from feeling like you're the one "let in" and everyone who wants to be isn't. These guys can be v charming, really exciting to be around, etc. I can't say I regret it all, as I believe we go through certain experiences for a multitude of reasons plus I had some really amazing times w him, but I can say that you're in for a world of hurt. Took me years to get over him. The damage they do and you do to yourself during these roller coaster relations w someone who does not care about you, although he may know how to act like he does or feel a hit to his large ego when you find someone else, he doesn't care and in the end, just be prepared to be devastated. That's the best advice I can offer. Only you can know whether it's worth it to you or not, but it does cause kinda permanent damage, at least in my case it has.

Be careful. I'm guessing you may have some MH issues of your own if you're getting off on this, and I get that, as I do have my own thrill seeking behaviour issues. But if you do hit really low lows in life typically, these can be seriously dangerous situations to put yourself through (ie, if you self harm, etc.). Best of luck to you. I know no one in my life understands my choices w him, and likely people aren't going to understand yours, its ultimately yourself you have to live with for the choices that you make and what you are willing to put up with. xx
Thank you so much! I’m concerned about my ability to feel anything other than emptiness and boredom when I’m Not with a person like him. I once talked myself into marrying a guy who some people think was on the spectrum but was at least on paper a good catch and was Doing all the right things- committing to me, buying me a ring etc. but then he wanted to work 24/7 on extra projects he did NOT need to (just called himself a workaholic), And I felt so bored and empty and lonely despite being married. I would take the highs and lows with current guy over my marriage any day, and that makes me wonder if looking for something “healthier “is a waste of my time because I’d just want out
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Thank you so much! I’m concerned about my ability to feel anything other than emptiness and boredom when I’m Not with a person like him. I once talked myself into marrying a guy who some people think was on the spectrum but was at least on paper a good catch and was Doing all the right things- committing to me, buying me a ring etc. but then he wanted to work 24/7 on extra projects he did NOT need to (just called himself a workaholic), And I felt so bored and empty and lonely despite being married. I would take the highs and lows with current guy over my marriage any day, and that makes me wonder if looking for something “healthier “is a waste of my time because I’d just want out
God, I can relate to that. Was married for a long time to a workaholic, and I felt the same. I guess I still do, so I understand where you're coming from. Obviously only you can decide what's worth it and what isn't, but here's to finding someone who is a better balance of both. The pain the ASPD guy gave me over the years, I ask myself a lot whether it was worth it or not. I have borderline personality, it kinda makes sense and fits into it, the thrill seeking, impulsive and often self destructive behaviour. But along those lines, I also self harmed all the time, as he enjoyed pushing and pulling me back and forth.

So I'm wishing you luck. Not sure if you're seeing a professional at all or have been diagnosed w anything that may better explain your desire for this type of relationship, but all of that only matters somewhat, as despite me "knowing" my tendencies, it doesn't take them away. So try to not get broken down by this guy, keep your options open. As you likely know, he will continue to hurt you as part of his own disorder/personality.

To answer your original post, I think the best way to keep that guy around was to not always be there for him, to have my own life as much as he couldn't infiltrate, and to keep it exciting, but that again was to my own detriment in a lot of ways. Best of luck to you, in any case. xx
 

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