How to help someone else?

[Clucky111]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone knew what I can do to help someone (my father) who I very aggressive and paranoid? To the extent where when told someone is going to sort something out, he thinks they are getting someone to kill him (he takes things too literally too).

He is insulin dependant and is pretending to not be taking his medicine (we know he is though). If you say something totally innocent to him, he will twist it to mean something completely different. He throws tantrums like a child and expects everyone to be perfect (as in only Cambridge or Oxford is good enough kind of thing) - as he seems to think he is.

Today, he asked me to apologise for something (god knows what) so I could have the car keys back - which he had hidden...when I did apologise (as I needed to go out urgently because my nephew is ill) - he got angry again saying how I'm only nice when I want something.

Also, I didn't cash a cheque yet which is money that's been claimed back for expences..but was for some reason in my name, not his, he accused me of theft...which is ridiculous!

He likes to play mind games with you (for example he once allowed us to walk the wrong direction when we were abroad despite knowing the correct way and then played games until we worked it out) but when we got back to the family we were staying with, he was totally "normal" again. He routinely calls my mum "stupid" and me and my sister "silly girl" - which makes me think he is obsessed with intelligence somehow - if this makes sense??

He acts like the perfect person in public, but behind closed doors he is a nightmare and will take anything out on the closest person (which is what I think happened today as he'd just come home from something this usually happens with). I can't live like this anymore! He routinely ruins Christmas and Birthdays (anyone's but his) and he is ridiculously selfish and hypocritical. I'm sick of creeping around him all the time - he even threw a fit when my mum bought the new car he had chosen himself (even though she wanted another one, but chose this one to keep the peace).

I don't know what to do with him, it's very worrying. His eldest daughter says that he was violent towards her mother when they were married - apparently he once pushed her down the stairs. He also apparently sent letters and made threatening calls. He has a history of being violent...and he scares me. But what can I do for him as he does not recognise that there's something wrong with him???

 

[precious]

It is hard to answer something like this, we can not obviously diagnose, and reading this gives mixed emotions, one part of me says get the hell out of there, but the other says there must be something you can do.
it sounds like you cannot be very assertive around him? is that right.
anyway here goes on what I think,

wow sounds like a living nightmare to say the least. unfortunately half the battle is getting them to admit that there is something wrong with them. And while pampering to his needs and giving him everything he wants is aimed in keeping the peace, It can and normally does have the opposite effect. He is clearly having problems, but it seems to only be aimed at those close, as you say. You and your mum sound terrified to say no to him or tell him how you feel, this must be awful for you both as you must always be walking on egg shells. I would think that If he is paranoid this will make it worse, and he will be perpetually trying to test you out and fuel his paranoia, of course when you automatically just agree with him he may construe this as you not being honest about the answer. a bit of a catch 22, if you see what I mean. although he sounds to me like he has severe anger management problems.
Is he violent towards you or your mum in anyway yet, I mean does he lash out at you phsyically or is it just verbal?
talking to his x may give you a lot of information, but it might also make you question and understand why they are infact his X.
it might be an idea to go to the citizens advice bureau or visit your doctor to get some professional advice on this.
take care
Precious

 

[Clucky111]

Apologies in advance for the long post

I'm leaving soon for university anyway but I just don't want to leave my mum like this. He has never hit us, it tends to be just verbal but he seems to have a hard time controlling himself sometimes. He also messes with your mind - it can be psychological. He gets very paranoid if you mention anything his daughter from his first marriage might have said about him (which just makes me think he has something to hide).

I put this in the Depression section at first because he never does anything productive, and never seems happy and I wondered if this might be a part of it? A relative once said they thought he might be bi-polar, but I'm not sure.

You're right about the saying no thing, he gets very angry if you can't do something for him (as simple as maybe making tea cos you're about to go out), he threatens to take me off the car insurance (which is very important for me to be on because my mum is slightly scared of driving so I tend to have to) I remember him threatening to throw all my toys away when I was little because I hadn't picked them up LITERALLY as soon as he said to (but what child does??)

My Mum gets very frustrated with him because she works full time and does EVERYTHING in the house and garden. She pays for everything - yet he owns it all legally. He does nothing (he "retired" in about 1993), he even moans about putting the rubbish out, and makes a huge deal if he can ever be bothered to do something for someone else - before I could drive, he used to have to take me to hospital appointments, and he thought he was so amazing for doing so and would threaten to not take me if he got annoyed by some invisible fault.

He sits for hours at a time playing freecell...and HAS to finish ten games at a time or he gets very angry (with himself or other people) - I wondered if this showed some form of obsession?? I just don't know!

My mum wants to sit him down and talk - but I can't see this going anywhere. He'd just get angry - it's my sisters birthday on Sunday and she's had it ruined so many times before I don't want it to happen again!! She's also pregnant with twins..so it can't be good for her to get remotely stressed. She won't bring my nephew over atm either, as she doesn't like him to see his Grandad like this - so we're all missing out really.

I have rung my doctors and got an appointment for next week, but I know they can't do much unless he admits he has a problem. Also, even if he did see someone, I think he can put on such a good front he'd get away with it.

 

[precious]

Hello
he sounds like a right control freak really doesnt he. something is definately going on with his behaviour. I can hear that you are really anguished about this. he sounds like he is worried that you might be told something from his x that he does not want you too know, can see any other reason for keeping youi all apart.
two things I would try, firstly take a video or recording of him and show him so he can see how he is behaving towards you
you can then sit and talk about how it makes you feel, and/Or you can give him the ultimate threat and say unless he goes back to the doctor hes out of there,
it is really not fair that you and your mum have to go through this. It is going to affect you a lot when you are away at UNi, and that is your future, so thats something else you need to discuss with your mum.
Love must go beyond blood ties and he needs to get help so that you can all live a lot happier.
take care
precious

 

[Dollit]

So the stairs thing was what your half sister was alluding to and wouldn't go into last year?

This must have been tough for you having this in the background and going through that long period of depression.

I would be wary of trying to record him in case that instigated a violent act - you can't spend the whole of your life walking on eggshells but you don't want to antagonize him.

Whatever is going on with him has been going on a long time and he may not want to change. He may not feel the need to. Talk to your GP about how it affects you and the rest of the family - that's who you have to look after.

 

[Clucky111]

Yes, our Nan died a couple of months ago, so me, my sister and brother-in-law stayed at her house..we had a really long chat about all this. She also hinted that my Nan may not have wanted my Dad...which was awful...but he's always said he was treated alot differently by her, but I thought he was just feeling sorry for himself, but I suppose this may have been true

I'm going to the GP on Wednesday But he's calmed down now (he wasn't talking to me and he just brought me my post which can only be a good thing!!) He tends to have a couple of good weeks/days after he's blown his top...but we never know when he's going to go again! I have written a list to take to the doctors. Tbh, I'm most worried about the paranoia and "pretending" to not take his insulin - because both this things are new. I think I must have once tried to record his voice..or maybe my sister did or something, because I had my phone out last time he was shouting and he started getting paranoid that I was recording him...so maybe that isn't the best idea.

 

[precious]

Hi
did yoiu mention that he might have bi polar? maybe that is why your nan thought about him that way, not that she did not want him born but could not handle him throughout his young life, I dont think it was treated or understood as much when he was younger, that may have explained why she did or he thought that she treated him differently.
the recording thing can only happen if it is done openly and you have told him why you are doing it. or yes he would get paranoid and anxious about it.
could you write him a letter telling him how his behaviour makes you feel? he could read it then in his own time?
Im glad you are writing things down for the doctor, hopefully he can give you some support and tips on how to approach him on this delicate subject, but what ever happens something has to change eh.
Twins thats exciting. when they due?
Precious

 

[Clucky111]

I saw my doctor on Wednesday and she gave me a number to give to him for councelling, if we can persuade him there's something wrong that is. She also said that if I can get my mum to go to the doctors with him, they might be able to do something (but obviously she can't do anything without seeing him).

He's calmed down a LOT now and has taken my mum away for a few days to visit family and friends in England..so I think I'll only do anything if/WHEN he goes on one again. The GP said something about anger management problems (which seems very likely). Thing is, when he's fine, he's FINE...it's all very strange.

Twins due in August - a boy and a girl

 

[Dollit]

Anger management does sound like a good start if you can get him to start. Are you going to Uni this year?

Twins - that's going to be quite a handful for your sister with having the little on already but nice for you as an aunt since you can give them back.

You've got on so well lately, I'm proud of you.

 

[Clucky111]

I am indeed off to Uni...got a lovely offer of CCD too for Welsh and Spanish. But I'm off to Australia this summer to see relatives..so I'll miss the twins being born...can't decide whether it's a good thing to be away from two screaming babies and a jealous toddler or not tho lol....

 

[Dollit]

Well that's a lovely break before Uni and I'm glad you've got to do what you want there.

I do think you are going to regret missing the screaming babies and the the jealous toddler though LOL