How to handle fear towards relatives and other people?

[Oden]

Hi everyone,

I would truly like to get a bit of tips or tricks on how to put yourself out there and not be a full blow shut in.

When I was really young I loved being outdoors and didn’t like spending time indoors. I had no problem training alone and not feel any deep fears toward people. I could talk with my neighbours and help people if they needed.

But when I was ten one of my uncles sexually touched me and forced me to be with him. It was just touching but it made me hate myself even more and feel more fear towards people. Specially when one of my dads brother could do something like that towards me. I don’t remember which of my uncles did it, so I have always kept my distance. I repressed the memory and have only a hazy memories of it.

It caused me to be more closed in, I hated when people touched me and my shyness got way worse than what it had been. I always felt a deep fear around people that aren’t my siblings and my parents. I also as a child acted as a babysitter for my dad when he got drunk. So I often had to go out late at night to nightclubs and bars when we was on vacation, or make sure dad got home after a party while my mom was taking care of my little brother. I acted as a shield to make sure my dad wouldn’t do any stupid when he was drunk and end up bedding with another woman or prostitute. So I often got miss judged as a child wife at bars when we was outside the country. So you can say I had to act a lot over my own age as a kid and take on quite a lot of responsibility.

No one in my family understand why I have such a deep fear towards people, while the rest of them are really extrovert and love meeting new people. My parents, specially my mom get mad over my introvert personality and can say a few hurtful words.

Because of my fear I act distance towards most people and never truly want to leave the house often. I can’t go out and take a run, I need to listen to music and read a book if I take a public transportation just to not notice everything around and let my fear consume me. I often just space out and look out the window. It truly drain ones energy and I often just want to spend my time to sleep and lazy around.

I’ve done quite a lot of progress on my own but it’s still not enough.

I want to be able to act normal, I even have trouble hugging my best friend because I feel a little uncomfortable when she get too close for my own comfort zone. But I’m slowly getting used to it.

So I would gladly have a bit of tips, I can’t drag my little brother with me every where and let him do things in my stead. He will turn 21 years old and will move out after he have decided which university to go, while I’ll move out when I’ve gotten my bachelor which will be next year. So I truly need to work with myself and my own fears.

 

[R_Sxo]

Hey

Sorry to hear what you've had to go through - it's not right for a child to go through any of that, so I can understand why you feel like that. And somehow, you'll need to find to carry this experience forward without letting it affect you. It will be a tough ride for sure, but you can definitely do it. I think you'd need to gradually push your boundaries, as they've been drawn in very close after what's happened. For example, you could start with your best friend - practicing hugging until you feel more comfortable. The first times will be harder, but as you do it you'll feel a little more comfortable. As you keep pushing out a little, your confidence will grow as you realise that these events in the past have less effect on you. Over time, you'll find that you can live without these events affecting you so much. I think having a counselor or therapist can really help you along this journey too, so maybe worth a thought. Best of luck!x

 

[Michael 74]

Hi everyone,

I would truly like to get a bit of tips or tricks on how to put yourself out there and not be a full blow shut in.

When I was really young I loved being outdoors and didn’t like spending time indoors. I had no problem training alone and not feel any deep fears toward people. I could talk with my neighbours and help people if they needed.

But when I was ten one of my uncles sexually touched me and forced me to be with him. It was just touching but it made me hate myself even more and feel more fear towards people. Specially when one of my dads brother could do something like that towards me. I don’t remember which of my uncles did it, so I have always kept my distance. I repressed the memory and have only a hazy memories of it.

It caused me to be more closed in, I hated when people touched me and my shyness got way worse than what it had been. I always felt a deep fear around people that aren’t my siblings and my parents. I also as a child acted as a babysitter for my dad when he got drunk. So I often had to go out late at night to nightclubs and bars when we was on vacation, or make sure dad got home after a party while my mom was taking care of my little brother. I acted as a shield to make sure my dad wouldn’t do any stupid when he was drunk and end up bedding with another woman or prostitute. So I often got miss judged as a child wife at bars when we was outside the country. So you can say I had to act a lot over my own age as a kid and take on quite a lot of responsibility.

No one in my family understand why I have such a deep fear towards people, while the rest of them are really extrovert and love meeting new people. My parents, specially my mom get mad over my introvert personality and can say a few hurtful words.

Because of my fear I act distance towards most people and never truly want to leave the house often. I can’t go out and take a run, I need to listen to music and read a book if I take a public transportation just to not notice everything around and let my fear consume me. I often just space out and look out the window. It truly drain ones energy and I often just want to spend my time to sleep and lazy around.

I’ve done quite a lot of progress on my own but it’s still not enough.

I want to be able to act normal, I even have trouble hugging my best friend because I feel a little uncomfortable when she get too close for my own comfort zone. But I’m slowly getting used to it.

So I would gladly have a bit of tips, I can’t drag my little brother with me every where and let him do things in my stead. He will turn 21 years old and will move out after he have decided which university to go, while I’ll move out when I’ve gotten my bachelor which will be next year. So I truly need to work with myself and my own fears.

I think I may be similar to you. When I was at Primary School I got bullied alot because of my often unkempt appearance, so I used to bunk school. A couple of times I bunked school and got approached by men when I was about 7 years old . I was a young, naive shy, insecure boy and those men were able to have their way. I am not sure exactly how these experiences affected me, it was shameful for me and hate that it happened to me.

I have the same experiences as you on buses and trains, I would feel very self conscious, it would range from feeling fine to feeling unbearably self conscious. I started cycling 15 miles to get to work so I didn't have to get on a train or bus. I think that our trust in people has been damaged so we are a bit wired to watch out for threats which results in making me highly sensitive sometimes. The good thing about being highly sensitive is that you are more aware of what people are thinking or feeling. most of the time.

I can relate to letting people go shop for me and do the things I don't feel comfortable doing . But I know that I can put up with the uncomfortable feelings and just do it when I have to. I think that's the main thing is to keep feelng the uncomfortable feelings and be aware of them and they will improve. I think you have to keep at it. Keep moving forward so you don't move backwards.

 

[Oden]

Thanks for the tips, myself is planning to get a dog next year. Before I move out, because it make me focus on something else and make me feel a bit relax outdoors. It will also help me to not be a shut in all day and not do anything.

I’ll keep on pushing forward and work with myself. I can handle my fears better but it’s still restricting me quite a lot with my daily life.

It doesn’t help when my parents are trying to set me up for blind dates and introduce me to guys. I know they just want to help me but it just make it a lot worse for me. While my little brother and my older brothers will always side with me, telling my parents to not stress over it

@R_Sxo I’ll try to let my friend get closer to me. I let her get closer than other people and the uncomfortable feelings aren’t that much as before. I’ve been thinking of maybe trying therapiest but I don’t like talking with new people. So I am hesitating a bit of reaching out to one. I might do it after the covid-19 calms down.

@Michael 74 I can perfectly understand the reading of other people and being extra sensitive towards people around me. So I have often noticed when something wrong with the people near me. Which have always made them reach out to me when they need someone to talk to or need help with something.