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how to get through that day

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Bwildered

Active member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
31
hello, I'm new here, just found this site by chance.
I hope someone can help me out with a certain situation.
There will soon be a memorial service for a close relative of mine. Everyone has been so upset about this loss.
I thought I would be too.
But since the loss, I have come face to face wtih the reality that this relative was abusive towards me throughout most of my life and didn't love me or treat me right.
And yes there was a time when I communicated this to this relative but of course they treated me as if I was round the bend and the rest of the family followed suit in how they then too treated me.
At the service which I will be going to because it feels right todo so, the whole family will be going on about how wonderful this person was, and how much this person cared and all that.
But I do not feel this way at all! I feel this relative treated me really really badly for as long as I can remember and I have not cried once since the loss happened.
I just want to know how to get through this day, with everyone around me in buckets of tears, declaring their love for this person who died, stating how amazing this person was to each and everyone of them, when I will be there thinking the complete opposite being totally unable to share my feelings with anybody at all.
Afterwards they're all having a kind of a do. I know I will rather get away from all of them at the first opportunity and if all goes to plan that is what I shall do.
But then I will be on my own.
They will all be together, sharing their grief and memories.
I should be with my family at a time like this.
But they don't care about me and have never wanted to hear what I have experienced with this relative. I don't see the point in banging my head against a brick wall.
But I am very anxious about how I will end up feeling knowing they're all together and that I will be completely on my own.
Friends don't want to know, they're fed up with loss, they'd rather talk about anything but so they won't be there for me.
It will be me on my own.
I have tried talking to my gp but the gp just doesn't understand at all and has the audacity to tell me to get a job. Very insulting.
Don't know if I have depression or if this is grief mixed with unresolved abusive stuff.
Just need to know how to get through the rest of this day that is looming after the service.
thanks
 
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Dollit

Guest
There are times and issues that we never see eye to eye with our families on. The fact is that you had one experience of this person and they had another. I could write a book on this topic alone. It's hard when your reality is tougher than those around you.

Your GP does sound a little insensitive but it is possible to change to another on in the practice.

As to what to do on the day - you seem a little mixed up about your feelings. You say you don't feel the grief that they seem to yet you want to be with them. I think you are grieving - the family are grieving for the person they lost and you are grieving for the person you felt you never had. Stay a little longer than you intended. You don't have to be voluble to grieve. If someone asks you say it still hasn't hit you.

Line yourself up a treat for afterwards and be good to yourself.
 
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Bwildered

Active member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
31
Wow, Dollit, your reply is incredible, what you write rings very true - grieving for the person I never had... wow.

I recently attempted to share my thoughts with someone recently but they called me a hypocrit for going, which of course I don't feel but did feel to say that to me was out of order!

But what you have written, wow, thank you so much :hug:
 
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Starbright

Guest
Dollit always comes up with good replies.

I agree with her.

I was also going to say to line yourself up a treat for afterwards, everything from buying some nice food for a nice meal to going to see a film you want to see at the cinema. Even just a walk in the park with an icecream or a nice bath with bubbles and something relaxing on the CD player. There's a few suggestions.

Can I suggest that you're going to have to decide which you want: to be with them knowing you don't share their grief or being alone. Neither is a nice choice but I think that this is where your energy should go, deciding which is the 'lesser of the two evils' and then once you've decided, try and do something to make the one you chose more nice if you can.

About friends. I used to have friends who didn't care about me. I remember being in hospital and my parents, brother and sister did visit, and for a while I thought that no friends were going to, but one did, my oldest one. No-one else did. I decided there and then that they weren't good friends if they didn't care enough to visit me so I unceremoniously dropped them, every single one, right there and then. It was a frightening thing to do because I felt so alone. 'That's it' I thought, 'No-one cares about me'. But I found that by being brave and coping all alone, I was able slowly within a couple of years, to make a couple more. Admittedly they all had been 'in the system' with me but they were still friends. In fact I appreciated their understanding when I felt unwell. The trick was not to get scared by being alone and hook up with someone unsuitable, which is what I'd always done before. This time I was going to take my time and only pick people that I actually thought were cool.

All this is trying to tell you that if you need to drop friends and make more it is possible, just a bit hard, and you need some courage, but I'm sure you have that if you've been through an abusive relationship. I've got someone in my life who was like that with me (and still is if I spend too much time with him) so I understand too.

All the best.
 
ellamental

ellamental

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 31, 2008
Messages
70
Location
midlands
you only need one friend who gets you

wow to both replies. What you say about friends is true. When things go really wrong you find out who your friends are. I was also in hospital for a month and some friends had my children at &am for breakfast and di my ironing while my own sister didn't come to visit once. Like you, I give less to those who do not care about me and cherish those friends who do now. In fact, you only really need one good friend who gets you and if he/she can hold you up at the service and be guided by you as to how comfortable you feel and how long you want to be there and then take you for hot chocolate with a mountain of marshmallows on afterwards it would be better. Is there anyone you can ask who can come with you just for you..even if they didnt know the person? I missed my grannies funeral and regretted it but I did havea good relationship with her so it is not the same at all. I think you are quite within your rights not to go under the circumstances but it sounds like you have worked that one out already. sorry if not helpful and take care and good luck:flowers:
 
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Bwildered

Active member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
31
(((Starbright))),

thank you. I have been struggling to suss out what treats feel right, and have decided on a boat trip in the sunshine, and a rare treat of eating out complete with dessert.

I am still feeling I don't want to mix with them, that being away from them is the lesser of the 2 evils!

I went to the pictures today as I desperately needed to switch off from them, and for a while it worked, I am not a complete wreck today, but the day itself is yet to come...

I am sad to read about the friends you had who didn't care, I can certainly relate to that. It's amazing, at the moment, all my friends know whats happening but only 2 of them have remained in touch. Says a LOT about the others...

look after yourself
 
B

Bwildered

Active member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
31
Hi there, ellamental,

I am sure your granma knows even now how much love there is between you, that is the main thing to hold onto I reckon.

you wrote "In fact, you only really need one good friend who gets you and if he/she can hold you up at the service and be guided by you as to how comfortable you feel and how long you want to be there and then take you for hot chocolate with a mountain of marshmallows on afterwards it would be better...." When I read that, 2 images came into my mind. One, a spiritual thing up there, and two, me. You see I have asked around but nobody is able/willing to come with me, so it'll still be me on my own going and coming away from there afterwards. I have been ringing the samaritans quite a bit lately too.

Some in the family have been onto me, "fishing" for info from me about how I am feeling about the day that is coming but I decided to respond by saying a lot without saying anything concrete to them at all. It is none of their business now how I truly feel, after all why should I share with those who don't care my innermost and personal feelings, just so they can go off and run me down to each other, nope, not giving them that benefit, no way!!

As for the day that has yet to come, I don't care what any of them may think about me in any shape or form. I have decided to put up a very protective imaginary wall between my soul and them on that day; they will not know what I think whatsoever, they can think what they like, I will be glad when the charade is over so that I can just have things to look forward to, while I reflect and take in and recover.

Feeling stronger about it all tonight, but of course this feeling's liable to change, and even if it does change, so be it! Thanks for your support, I would like to check in again here when the day has passed, and of course there's other crap going on and I am glad to have found this forum :grouphug:
 
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Starbright

Guest
I truly hope it all goes well for you but I know that realistically, it won't go 'well' but hopefully it will be 'manageable'.

Unfortunately in this life there are some things that are just horrible to go through and some of those are unavoidable. Best to acknowledge that to start with and cope from there, I feel, personally.

Have you a friend who you could talk to about it sometime afterwards when he/she is free?

I hope you have a nice meal and boat trip.

Remember, at any stage of that day, you can think to yourself 'only x hours/minutes to go now' and it will be over soon honestly.

Best of luck.

Starbright
 
B

Bwildered

Active member
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Messages
31
thanks Starbright.
The day has passed. It was very hard but posting here and the taxidriver I booked managed to calm me down enough, and I found an old diary the night before and something I read in that as well, gave me the ability to sleep, wake up, and do it.
As expected I felt dismissed by the people who should have been there for me - my family.
Since then, its like I've been in a whirlwind of shock and all.
I don't feel as I did before the day.
I don't really know how I now feel, except relief that it is behind me.
Thank you for being here there really hasn't and isn't anyone else I have been able to or can turn to or talk to about it. :grouphug:
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Just take things a day at a time and get through the best way you know. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Remember you are a person of considerable worth. And talk to us whenever you need. xx
 
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