How to forgive

S

sjmarti

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#1
I have a pretty low self esteem and very low confidence and I have been like this for about 8-10 years. It holds me back a lot. I also have a history of depression. Like lately my boyfriend has been wanting to go out to the pool but I just cannot talk myself into it while people are there but I will go when there is no one there. I don't want to meet his friends or go out with new people and if I do it takes a lot out of me and it's hard for me to feel comfortable. I was pretty athletic in high school and average weight with a pretty large and muscular build but in the last 3 years, I moved to a different state away from all my friends but still have family. In that time, I gained about 40 pounds which is very noticeable since I am very short. I lost all 40 pounds in the last year or so and still going. Gaining weight made me feel worse than ever.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We were in a long distance relationship up until last year. We did very well while we were apart. I thought I would be very jealous but I surprisingly wasn't at all. He gave me no reason to not trust him and he truly made me feel so beautiful, like a goddess. I really can't believe how good he made me feel considering how bad I would typically feel about myself.

Living together really has mostly been fun and interesting. He gets along with my parents REALLY well, he is smart, respectful, funny, handsome, caring, and incredibly loving. But about two months ago, before we went on vacation, I found out he was talking to girls on Plenty of Fish (which is like a dating website). I don't know how many girls or what they were talking about but he swears that he never actually physically met anyone but it still hurt me so deeply. I wanted to kick him out that night and completely cancel our vacation but I thought that would be insane to waste so much money. Also a good friend talked me out of leaving him.

I feel like shit every fucking day. I am pretty depressed. Might even be major which I was diagnosed with about 3 years ago. I have felt very nice and stable up until about 6 months ago. I don't know how I am gonna regain the little confidence I had in myself. I feel completely inadequate and just gross. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. So I have been acting real out of character. I have been really pushy and I am constantly asking him questions like where he has been, why he is so late, if he really loves me, ect. I understand that these things can be annoying but I really can't help myself. I try hard not to ask them but I lose it if I don't get reassurance and even then, I don't know if I believe him. I have been having crying fits and episodes out of nowhere. I feel I start arguments all the time now. I also think I was behaving weirdly a little bit before I found out what he was doing. I feel crazy like I have intense behavioral issues or something because I not only feel lonely and depressed but I feel very angry and I feel controlling. I usually am a soft spoken, (sometimes outgoing when I am with my closest loved ones), sweet, and understanding person. I have always struggled with intense emotions like when I am up, I am really up and when I am down I am truly down.

He has be real sweet to me but he seems to be a little distant. I try to see things for what they are and not always blame myself but I am thinking that my behaviors or becoming too much for him to handle. He doesn't get angry and hardly ever yells even when I do, but he seems frustrated and just shut down from me.

I am having hard time deciding if this is going to work. I really want it to even though he hurt me so deeply and I don't typically forgive people so easily. He truly is special to me and I would love for him to make me feel special like he did before. We have been trying to talk things out and trying to just live our daily lives but I just don't know how to forgive him and work on myself at the same time. I love him and he is saying he really wants to stay with me because he loves me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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#2
Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:
I have been through a similar situation, my husband messaged girls from a dating website and when i found out it broke my heart. I too suffer from clinical depression and this was a reason/factor behind him turning to other girls. He said because i was distant from him and emotionally closed he had to find comfort elsewhere. He too never met any of the girls but just texting was enough to send me over the edge.

As for forgiveness. It has taken a long time to repair the damage done. Firstly i needed to fix myself and my current episode of depression, this was done through referral to talking therapies. I contacted our local Mind centre and they paid for my husband and me to have counselling together through Relate. this helped a lot because we could communicate with each other in a safe and controlled environment.

I still five years later have little doubts when i see him on his phone and i often wonder if hes doing it again but at the end of the day paranoia will kill you so i try and distract myself from these negative thoughts.

Its not easy, with hard work from both of you, communication between you and time (it is a healer) you can get through this.
Hugs to you
Fox