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How to deal with someone with avoidant personality disorder?

Brazilian

Brazilian

Member
Joined
May 19, 2014
Messages
17
Location
São Paulo
I had a 7 months online relationship with a guy who suffers from avoidant personality disorder. We used to talk for 4 hours every single day and knew each other deeply. He broke up with me when we were about to meet in person. When we met he had a panic attack. He is a virgin, and even though I am sure he loved me, I could understand how limiting his disorder is.
It’s been 2 years since we broke up, and I haven’t seen him since.
Lately we exchanged some emails and we will be having a video call on Sunday.
He still feels guilt for having let me down and fears being completely inadequate for romantic relationships. He is still a virgin. I don’t think he has stopped loving me. He just doesn’t know how to deal with these feelings. At present he is 25 years old, and I know if I don’t help him, he will never be able to have a healthy sexual and romantic life. I love him deeply and want to help him.
How can I not scare the hell out of him? How can I help someone who suffers from avoidant personality disorder?
 

MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Maybe suggest that you meet up as friends with the promise that nothing is going to happen in a relationship way.

Let him hang out with you as a friend, with no pressure.
 
Brazilian

Brazilian

Member
Joined
May 19, 2014
Messages
17
Location
São Paulo
Thanks, MarlieeBee! I've posted this question in other forums and people are telling me it is a waste of time. I don't think so. I am very patient and compassionate. I know he is traumatized and I won't push.
Having his friendship back would be already a victory. This video call itself is already a victory and I want to take advantage of it to prove to him he can trust me and there is no demands from my part.
 
Brazilian

Brazilian

Member
Joined
May 19, 2014
Messages
17
Location
São Paulo
In case anyone is curious, we had the call yesterday. He started by saying it would be our last contact because he can’t bear so much drama. He showed many signs of panic. It was very painful for me to realize I can cause him so much distress. Despite that, he said I have helped him, and he hopes someday he can have a healthy relationship with someone. It was a relief to know that I didn’t discourage him to pursue happiness.
The effect this call had on me was devastating, though. I feel quite pathetic, and just want to withdraw, so I apologize in advance if I don’t reply comments that might be given by you. I thank you all for the advice.
 
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