- Sep 30, 2019
- New York
I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, learning disability and other things. A few years ago I joined social media thinking it was safe. I became friends with the wrong people. I Told my friend I was gay. He ended our friendship. He told me I wasn’t normal and told his friends to harass me. He was also doing it and stalking me after that incident. My mental health wasn’t bad before but after this whole incident it became worse. Other people started befriending me and those people caused more damage to me. They where instigating sharing my screenshots and my pain for there own enjoyment. Those people where also spreading lies about me. Of course when you befriend someone on purpose with bad intentions and when the other person finds out you been fooling them then in the end there will be more problems because they came to me being fake. And I found out they weren’t my friends. I got to the point where I sank into a deep depression and that was the most horrible time in my life because I had prostate problems. Sank into depression and all I could remember was sleeping all the time. I lost over 170 pounds. The sad part is I was hiding my pain. My therapist or no one in real life notice anything wrong with me. In 2016 I remember considering suicide. I was paranoid. I remember I couldn’t trust anyone. I thought my therapist was apart of the bullying on social media. I thought my mom was friends with the bully and I remember not trusting my mom to the point where I stopped talking to her. When you been bullied like me that messes with your head and your way of thinking. I realize now my mom or my therapist wasn’t apart of the bullying that was in my head. I created it because of the trauma. I know how it feels to be in a dark place. I know how it feels to be suicidal because I had those feelings years ago when this happened. Also I met someone on the internet who catfish me. For one year the photo he showed me wasn’t him. He’s been sharing my screenshots from the very beginning I met him. And he’s much worse than the others he takes stalking to a whole new level. After I ended my fake relationship with him he started spreading more lies saying I’m harassing him for a photo. In the end he told me he was in love with me but I can’t trust anyone who shows me a fake photo and till this day I still don’t know what he looks like and he continues to stalk me on Facebook and WhatsApp. He has different numbers. So my point of this post is my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. Because of the incident that happened on social media. Everyday I have unwanted memories. I feel sadness and emptiness. I feel like my heart is broken. I feel this sorrow and despair in my soul. I have no real friends. I feel alone. I’m scared to make friends. I don’t trust anyone. I see the world differently. I isolate myself from the world by being alone. In my head everyone is bad until they could prove to me differently. I can’t sleep. I keep having these flashbacks. These flashbacks won’t leave me alone. I cry unexpectedly. I’m starting to get really bad panic attacks. My panic attacks starts happening more frequently and they last for hours. My first panic attack lasted 8 hours. It was waves of panic attack and I had to go to the emergency room because I thought it was a heart attack. I want to be normal. I know I made mistakes and I learned from them. But now I’m stuck with these memories and fear. I don’t know what to do. I keep trying to pretend like nothing is wrong but I cry unexpectedly. When I was in a LGBT Group I broke down crying. I tried to join a church to seek help and find god but I feel like god don’t exist. I don’t know what to do. I’m 30 years old. I can’t be like this forever and I keep wondering and praying that I get better. Even though I don’t believe in god I still find myself praying. Most importantly I wish I had real friends, I never experienced real friendship. I never had someone special. The problem is I don’t trust anyone anymore and my anxiety.