How to deal with passive agressive Borderline Personality Disorder husband

[Sanny1313]

Hi

My husband has BPD, he sometimes punishes me in a subtle way for silly things.

I will give you a specific example. Last night at dinner I had 2 pots of rice. One cooked freshly for my husband (he doesnt like "old" rice) and another cooked previously. My daughter was going to serve from the new pot but I asked her to finish the other rice (as me and my son did. I want to teach them not to waste food and have been doing so for 17 years, so nothing new).

Husband told me to let her take the new rice, I told him that all the other rice would go to waste, let us finish it first. I said it in a neutral tone and my daughter didnt mind at all as she knows and agrees with the system.

That was enough to set him off. He started to "punish" me with subtle remarks one after the other:
- "Old rice is not good, makes bugs in your stomach" (he eats 3 days old byriani when HE wants)
- "This hand towel stinks!"
- "We will use this bottle for water for the table so everything is fresh" (refferring to a smaller one than we had preciously)
- Started touching me sexually in an appropriate way (always with a psyco smile pretending to be joking with me)
- Went to sleep straight after dinner at 9pm
- Short after I get into bed (when I thought he was sleepinh) he shouts "SHIT!"
- When I ask him what happenned while stroking his face and kissing his hand, he says "nothing", short after he gets up for a smoke and stays downstairs until 3am

I was really frightened as previously violent episodes with him have left me traumatised. My heart was pounding after he shouted and I couldnt sleep after that.

Next day its like nothing happened, we dont talk about it. He talks to me (but still with a distance). I just get depressed and dont feel like even looking at him for the pain and fright he caused.

I am getting really upset, dont know how to deal with situations like these. Do I confront him asking for an explanation? Do I pretend nothing happenned and continue being loving and caring?

This happens a lot of times and I sometimes feel like a rug and that I cant take it anymore. I just crave for a normal life. Please help!

 

[Nukelavee]

You're right - he does seem abusive.

You could try and continue ignoring this behaviour, but that doesn't seem to work. Another choice is to tell him you won't stand for this behaviour, put your foot down.

Honestly, I feel like you should talk to somebody like a doctor about this, mostly to help you deal with this, but also to let somebody know how abusive he is. They would likely have better advice than I.

 

[Sanny1313]

I have put my foot down with many other situations. I am not sure if he will feel over pressured and make things worse?

The thing is, he doesnt get that he is wrong. For him in his mind he genuinely thinks that I disrespected him in front of the kids by going against his word (after 20 years I know exactly thats how he feels although I didnt speak rudely) and he wont take that.

But first of all he will completely deny that he treated me in a wrong way. He will tell me that I am crazy and will act totally oblivious to the situation.

I cant be normal with him, I cant talk to him about it, I am just waiting to see what is this distance between us now going to lead to.
Sometimes we gradually go back to normal, sometimes he has another (more intensive) episode . But until then this wait is a torture...

Regarding seeing a doctor, one visit will not solve the situation and many visits will put questions in his mind of where am I actually going.

Regarding him seing a doctor, I have tried, but he will NEVER admit that hes got a problem.

 

[Nukelavee]

Regarding him seing a doctor, I have tried, but he will NEVER admit that hes got a problem.

That's truly unfortunate, because the only real fix would be for him to get help.

I'm sorry I have no good advice for this, except, try to do what you can to protect yourself from his behaviour. Part of me would like to suggest leaving him, but I understand that is easy to say, very hard to do.

If things get too overwhelming, though, at least you can vent to us, here, about it. MAybe some other member will have a better idea for you to try.