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How to deal with my paranoid partner?

Cazcat

Cazcat

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Sep 12, 2013
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2,423
Hi Frank,

That is a really hard one to answer. The real problem is that mental health problems have such a stigma and there is a huge lack of awareness in the general population. I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this on top of losing your Dad. It has not been as major issue for me as things spiralled out of control so suddenly. I have spoken to my managers as similar to you it has had a huge impact on my work life too. Work have been very sportive, I work in the health service so managers do have some understanding. I have also spoken to my parents who try to be sportive of me, but are not sportive of me continuing a relationship with him as they are worried about me. They have discussed things with other family members who have told them how dangerous they think the situation is for me. Hence I can't really talk to them about any issues. I have also discussed it with a friend who has been a great source of support and given me a very unbiased view of things, which I have found the most helpful.

I can't really advise you on who to tell what I suppose it depends on how things are if things are really strained with your brother and sister it might help them understand the pressures on you, it may not make them any more sympathetic to her though. It would probably depend on their understanding of mental health and their beliefs about it. Your friend might be a god bet I found it helpful to chat with someone impartial. You could explain you want it confidential. I know my partner would be upset if he knew I was discussing things about his health but for my own health I need to be able to, it's not like I'm shouting it out to anyone who will listen.

Sorry I can't be more help really, it is a difficult call to make.
 
F

Frank Webb

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2013
Messages
16
Hi Cazcat

Thanks for your comments.

I agree it's a difficult call. Since my last post my partner has swung between wanting a reconciliation with my brother and sister - with some recognition that she has behaved insensitively during our bereavement - and threatening to call the police to accuse them of trying to poison her.

She has a slight head cold or virus which is making her feel a bit dizzy, but assumes this is the result of poison gas which my brother has dispensed around my late dad's house. This is supposedly part of the plan to kill us both and steal our share of the inheritance.

Anyway we are going on a short holiday, which could improve her mood, but there is a high risk of it going the other way based on past form. A stressful week ahead!

How is it with you?


Frank
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Hi Frank,

Oh dear it does sound like your partner is very unwell at the moment, it's crazy that the mental health teams can't get involved in these kind of situations. I don't understand why they won't, my understanding of the mental capacity act is that to have capacity you must be able to understand and retain enough information to make an informed decision. Only there are current levels of this e.g. what do you want for lunch compared to do you want to go into a nursing home. (the second being one of the most common I come across in my proffesional life. I don't understand if someone doesn't have insight into their mental health problems how they can make an informed choice about if they need to have input from a mental health team.

As for me I've had a bad day today, but nothing to do with my partner just had an unpleasant meeting at work with senior management, I sobbed my way through most of it joined by my more senior colleague and we both left work in tears, only our junior kept it together. Hardly professional but just can't cope with any additional stress at the moment. Generally I am lucky to have a job I love but as with all areas of the health service things are cut to the bare bone and beyond at the moment.

Anyway have had a good weekend with my partner we only had one incident where he was concerned that some people wanted to kill him and spent some enjoyable time together. He is on an antipsychotic medication which seems to be helping a lot and his work with the community teams is ongoing, I've been told to expect it to take a long time for things to improve, but things do seem to be going ok.

I hope that your holiday goes well and that your partner copes with it ok.
 
M

modafinilguy

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Oct 12, 2013
Messages
106
To the OP,

It is certainly your choice if you stay with a partner that is like this, but you say she has always been like this, and I mean personally I would not tolerate it.

Not only are you a victim of violence (and who knows how far it could go), but she seems incapable of gaining enough insight into her problems to get help.

Further she accused you are serious things, you need to be careful, she may accuse you of something very serious like rape or child molestation, and the possibility exists you could end up in prison.

Certainly if you choose to stay with her, then I wish you the best, but you may have to use the on power you have and that is being willing to leave if she does not agree to treatment.
 
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Frank Webb

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2013
Messages
16
Thanks for your advice modafililguy.

The reason I went to my GP's with my problems was mainly to get help for my partner, but also to have my concerns recorded should anything happen which could reflect badly on me.

You are right, my partner regularly has accused me of some of the things you mention and more! Furthermore, the GP's advice is I should do "what I have to do" to defend myself against a violent outburst, which is fine as far as it goes. But what if I lose my temper and hit her back, causing significant injury? I have no doubt the powers that be would see that as a simple case of a wife batterer, so I don't intend to go there, but I have been sorely tempted. Having the medical consultations on record affords some protection, however how much will the GP's divulge should I find myself in court? They have a tendency to hide behind patient confidentiality.

The real issue I have is whether I can walk away with a clear conscience? At the moment I think not. My partner has serious mental illness and is in need of psychiatric help - that's my GP's analysis and several of his colleagues. So she is not a fundamentally bad person - quite the opposite in fact, but her bad side is driven by her mental condition which has developed in her past before we met. I feel my responsibility is to keep trying to patiently persuade her that her behaviour is not normal, and she should ask for treatment. If I can help her resolve the underlying pressures which cause her to feel unhappy I think I have a chance.

Frank
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Hi Frank,

I hope you had a successful holiday. I know what you mean about needing to know that you have done everything you can to help. That's one thing that has helped me through the really tough times, knowing that I had done everything in my power to help and having that clear concience.

You are doing your best and hopefully she will one day accept help. Just make sure you are doing the right thing for you too, and look after yourself.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
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12,748
Location
Europe
Hi Frank,

I admire your level-headed approach, I certainly would not be as accepting of such behaviour in the long term! It sounds like you have kept things together through a difficult period, it is no mean feat.

As for helping her get perspective on her issues, have you tried getting her to make a record of her thoughts, so she can review them during her lucid periods and perhaps realise that she is being very unreasonable at times? I realise that requires a commitment from her to write while under stress, but it's one potential way forward. Or you can get her to make a video diary, or you can shoot the vids for her (even if all you have is a mobile phone).

You are certainly in a difficult situation, I hope things improve!
 
M

modafinilguy

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Oct 12, 2013
Messages
106
The real issue I have is whether I can walk away with a clear conscience? At the moment I think not. My partner has serious mental illness and is in need of psychiatric help - that's my GP's analysis and several of his colleagues. So she is not a fundamentally bad person - quite the opposite in fact, but her bad side is driven by her mental condition which has developed in her past before we met. I feel my responsibility is to keep trying to patiently persuade her that her behaviour is not normal, and she should ask for treatment. If I can help her resolve the underlying pressures which cause her to feel unhappy I think I have a chance.
Frank
Frank,

Only you can measure how bad the physical violence has been towards you. I mean I would wonder for example if on 5 or more occasions she has caused serious injury,then in my opinion you are at SERIOUS risk, I mean it is out of control and very dangerous.

If she is acting in a way which seriously puts your safety at risk, then a doctor should be able to detain her with the understanding that she poses a risk to others. That is my understanding that the usual justification for detaining someone is they are a serious risk to themselves or others.

Detention is not that bad, sure she would hate it for not having her way, but I have been detained from being a risk to myself, and besides battling ones own demons of course, the worst thing for me was boredom. Its not like you see in movies. If she is detained they can get her some serious treatment, and she may very well come to understand that she was sick and needs treatment (though this is not guaranteed and may take a while).

If you seriously feel at risk of serious harm, then your conscience should be clear for you to leave on grounds of protecting yourself from serious injury. I know she is not mentally well, but the truth is there is only so much you can do to help someone who cannot accept they have a problem. So you can't be expected to take that responsibility. However I understand you may wish to stay.

Well I would suggest applying some serious psychological pressure on her to get help. Given the paranoid architecture of her delusions, there may be no easy solution, but I would suggest telling her she has 24 hours to agree to help or you are going to leave for a whole week. You don't have to make it out you will leave forever, but its important to stick to what you say you will do, and not let her manipulate you or pressure you into getting what she wants.

You could stay away 5-7 days, then come back for a couple days, ask her if she is ready to be treated, if no then maybe extend the time way, and keep going like this.

Of course she may try and stalk you or be violent in retaliation, so please keep your safety in mind.

If she does assault you and cause visible injuries, you should *discreetly* get away from her (sneak outside and run down the street or something) and call the police. She is not going to go to jail against your wishes if she is mentally ill like you say, but they may use arrest to initially hold her. Sometimes its police who end up getting these people into the psychiatric hospitals.

But please be careful, especially if she uses weapons.

** TRIGGER WARNING TO THE FOLLOWING- REPORT OF VIOLENT ATTACK ON BOYFRIEND BY GIRLFRIEND **
I have seen one guy with a huge massive scar from one side of his stomach to the other, caused by his girlfriend. The ambulance crew said if they had just been minutes later he would have been gone for good, as it was he spent several days in intensive care fighting for his life. It does not take long for a serious injury to occur when other objects are being used as weapons.

I wish you the best to get help, but if you want to help her, I think she needs to be forced into treatment. She is too unwell to understand that she is unwell!
 
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Frank Webb

Member
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Sep 17, 2013
Messages
16
modafinilguy

I read your full post and I hope the moderator will allow me to reply that the violence I have suffered is below the threshold which you consider to be serious.

In fact I have informed my GP of each major incident and he was clear that it falls well below the level for which sectioning would be justified.

I do wonder if the violence can be tackled as a separate issue from the paranoia? My partner was brought up in a country where disputes and internecine conflicts are more commonly settled by direct action than we would consider normal in this country. If I can get her to recognize this she may agree to some kind of counselling/therapy for anger management or whatever posh name the medics may call it these days.

If she can establish some self-control through this, then it makes the bigger discussion about her mental state of mind so much easier. As it stands, when I suggest that her reaction is not justified whatever she thinks I have done to her, she blows up and says she "has to do it" because I have been violent to her (while sleeping), and "whatever you do to me I will do it twice as bad to you". We just never get to a civilised discussion about what is really happening.

I take your points though, and I did have some success with the walking out approach, although I was only away for a few hours before she begged me to come back. Didn't take long before the cycle repeated though!

Frank
 
C

Clau

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Canada
Hi all,

I know this forum is from almost 6 years ago but I am struggling with my husband's paranoid episodes and I was hoping to get some advice.

He had his first episode a couple months ago and accuses me of cheating, wanting to steal his soul and all kinds of nonsense. I know this is due to his mental illness but sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore.
 
F

Frank Webb

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2013
Messages
16
Hi all,

I know this forum is from almost 6 years ago but I am struggling with my husband's paranoid episodes and I was hoping to get some advice.

He had his first episode a couple months ago and accuses me of cheating, wanting to steal his soul and all kinds of nonsense. I know this is due to his mental illness but sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore.
Hi Clau

Please let us have some more details and we can compare experiences.

For example, are you recently married?

The "first episode" you refer to, is that the first you know about, or could it be a long term thing dating back to before you met?

And some examples of "all kinds of nonsense"?

The fact I haven't posted any more on this thread since 2013 should tell you it's possible to learn ways to deal with your partner's behaviour, and it won't always be this bad!

Regards

Frank Webb
 
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