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How to deal with a partner that does not understand mental issues?

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gingersnapped

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Joined
Mar 2, 2021
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Location
UK
Hi, I'm a new member and today I was driven to the edge and didn't know what to do. I texted a suicide line but they replied with very generic words and it wasn't very helpful.

I've suffered with depression since I was 11 years old (28 now) due to a mentally abusive father. I tried therapies and medicine but nothing seemed to really work for me. So I've dealt with it myself, had better and worse days. After moving to UK 5 years ago it all seemed to get better, I started some self development, managed to find a path of career i want to follow and met a wonderful man.

Right. I've met him though a girl at work. We were very good friends, he is her twin brother. It all seemed well, I got accepted to the family, we recently bought a house together and all. But thing between me and his sister started to go bad. She is constancy accusing me of having better life than her and not having a right to feel bad, our paths just went different directions since all she cares about it another man to shag and I want to focus on my relationship and study. I admitted this to my boyfriend, especially that she recently started to claim she has mental issues too and all she does is drain me by dumping all her problems on me. At first he was supportive and understanding but recently, and especially today he started telling me I do have a better life than her and I indeed don't have a right to be sad, that he just wants to shake me sometimes, that I tell him about being mentally ill but it's all lies after which he tells me I need a psychiatric help. If I hide my bad moods he gets upset that I'm not honest with him, if I'm honest and I admit I'm feeling suicidal (not actually planning it, more just really not wanting to be alive) or that I self harm, he says I'm threatening him. I asked if he ever did any research or if he ever thinks that what he says is hurting me and basically is an unsolicited advicw. He said he didn't and I give unsolicited advices about myself because I am living in 'our lovely house' and I don't have to work because I'm furloughed due to covid or worry about anything. I said that it doesn't matter and that I do appreciate him and our house but it doesn't change that I can't look in the mirror without feeling repulsed. I also said that we both need to change and if it's not going to happen, it's probably better if we go separate ways because I can't deal with this situation repeating itself all over again.
He repeated that I'm threatening him and that sometimes he feels like I don't love him at all.

I feel hopeless, I shouldn't be carrying myself and him at the same time. I refuse to feel guilty and he refuses to learn about my state or how to help. Normally he's extremely loving and supportive, I don't know why he reacts to my lows like this...
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Feb 6, 2021
Messages
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Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Welcome @gingersnapped
I also called a suicide hotline twice, and I also found them to be lacking in empathy and not giving me good advice. How long were you on meds and therapy? They need time and a commitment on your part to work. Sometimes it's trial and error to find a med that works for you. "Not having a right to feel bad" is a terrible thing to say to you. I agree with you that you shouldn't be carrying yourself and him at the same time. You need to focus on yourself first and foremost. A lot of people don't understand mental illness. My ex-wife divorced me because of it. She could no longer be a caregiver to me because it was so draining to her. It sounds like you are codependent on him, if I got that right. "Codependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction." That's not a good thing. Can you both see a therapist together? That's my advice.
 
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