how to communicate normally?

givethemhell

givethemhell

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Feb 25, 2018
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USA
#1
this may be silly but i'm genuinely asking.
i was raised not to question anything and learned that i wasn't allowed to say no or be angry.
i tried living my life this way and it was not healthy, at least i think so.
any time someone would bully me, i'd be nice to them.
any time someone said something that i felt strongly about disputing, i didn't.
any time anyone asked me if i felt a certain way, i answered the way i thought they wanted me to.
my entire life has been a lie to make others feel comfortable.

the past few years, this has all kind of come to a head and i've found my repressed beliefs and feelings have been boiling inside me. now i find myself disagreeing when i disagree. i find myself passionately advocating for my beliefs, and it always upsets people. it could be anywhere, whether at home with family or with people i barely know at a party.
some silly examples would be the time i disagreed with someone who said hunting was a form of vegetarianism, or the time at a party i disagreed with someone that sea world was good for marine animals because it put a spotlight on their plight. :scratcheshead:
i never get angry, i try to share perspective in the hopes they might see things a little differently, especially if it's a subject they don't really care about and don't know much about.
but those are just two examples. it doesn't ever matter what evidence i have. it just feels like i'm always wrong to everyone else no matter how kindly i say it.

is it normal to just nod and agree or not say anything when someone says something you know in your bones is wrong to you? is it normal not to follow through on your strong convictions just so other people feel comfortable?

i'm seriously asking. because this has really made me a pariah to people. maybe i'm the one being inappropriate and i just don't know it, but i just don't understand how that can be. so many people are celebrated for standing up for what they believe in, but i always just seem to disgust and annoy people. and i sure as heck never change anyone's perspective. :cry2:
 
N

NadaNiNadie

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Mar 8, 2018
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#2
I want to congratulate you, givethemhell. It sounds like you've got a few things which are in woefully short supply nowadays:
Personality,
Integrity,
Perspective,
An opinion.
I could go on, but I don't want to cheapen these qualities by drowning them in any empty words. Utter compliance, although easier for the people around you and even attractive (to many), is quite useless. It might prevent arguments, but it stagnates people, it doesn't help them grow. Not to mention, as you describe, it's draining.
Sometimes disagreeing with someone is enough to upset them. Too bad for them. You could work on the way you get your point across, polish up your means of expression a bit so it doesn't come across so prickly, but as long as your focus is maturing your perspective (widening others' as well as being open to having your own widened) you should always stand by your principles, as long as they're consistent with your most fundamental beliefs.
To do anything else is spiritual torture. I've been there, as it sounds like you have, and it hurts like hell (appropriately) and takes forever to heal.
So keep giving them hell - might be they need it more than you think.
Hasta la próxima.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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#3
this may be silly but i'm genuinely asking.
i was raised not to question anything and learned that i wasn't allowed to say no or be angry.
i tried living my life this way and it was not healthy, at least i think so.
any time someone would bully me, i'd be nice to them.
any time someone said something that i felt strongly about disputing, i didn't.
any time anyone asked me if i felt a certain way, i answered the way i thought they wanted me to.
my entire life has been a lie to make others feel comfortable.

the past few years, this has all kind of come to a head and i've found my repressed beliefs and feelings have been boiling inside me. now i find myself disagreeing when i disagree. i find myself passionately advocating for my beliefs, and it always upsets people. it could be anywhere, whether at home with family or with people i barely know at a party.
some silly examples would be the time i disagreed with someone who said hunting was a form of vegetarianism, or the time at a party i disagreed with someone that sea world was good for marine animals because it put a spotlight on their plight. :scratcheshead:
i never get angry, i try to share perspective in the hopes they might see things a little differently, especially if it's a subject they don't really care about and don't know much about.
but those are just two examples. it doesn't ever matter what evidence i have. it just feels like i'm always wrong to everyone else no matter how kindly i say it.


is it normal to just nod and agree or not say anything when someone says something you know in your bones is wrong to you? is it normal not to follow through on your strong convictions just so other people feel comfortable?

i'm seriously asking. because this has really made me a pariah to people. maybe i'm the one being inappropriate and i just don't know it, but i just don't understand how that can be. so many people are celebrated for standing up for what they believe in, but i always just seem to disgust and annoy people. and i sure as heck never change anyone's perspective. :cry2:
I think the answer lies in this bold.

in particular the underlined...

'Nodding and agreeing' is the key thing here. And this is the only thing I think to work on.

I wouldn't necessarily nod and agree with something that I didn't agree with*, but in the examples, I wouldn't necessarily argue.

I think it's a case of how well you know someone. I enjoy a good debate with people who I disagree with and who I know disagrees with me, but IMPORTANTLY, only people who I respect - and this is only gained from previous chats with people.
In general, I think that if with new people and in certain situations - say at a wedding with loads of people you don't know, then some subjects are best avoided - i.e. change subject - :religion, politics, crime, off the top of my head.



*I was forced into sometimes agreeing and nodding. As a taxi driver for many years but no longer, I would have so many different people in it, that nothing was ever same. However, I learned quite quickly who to discuss things with, and who to agree with, or not argue with.

An example, was when my own football team's main rivals lost a crucial game, and mine won, I picked up some fans of my opposing team outside the ground, and let's put it this way, the 4 lads, put huge stress on my suspension when they all got in (it was a lengthy job too), and the first thing they said when got in was 'YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING PIG ARE YOU?' - you have to think quickly, and my first thought was 'I prefer rugby' - but of course, so might they, and I know fuck all about rubgy, so I said, the only sport I like is snooker :LOL:

Since I know snooker, and they did, I immediately changed the subject and relieved the [my] initial huge tension, and the next question was 'what is your biggest break?' :LOL:
 
givethemhell

givethemhell

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Feb 25, 2018
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#4
thank you--very good perspective there.
i hadn't thought about speaking differently to people depending on how well i know them. i wonder if it's because i never felt i really knew anyone, so i've approached most people similarly. but certainly i've known some better than most and most definitely have respected people with differing views. and when you mentioned your taxi job it really really made sense. i can only imagine all the different people talking about different things and how you'd have to react. you've really kind of blown my mind, as simple as it may seem or normal as it might be for you. thank you! that's exactly the advice i was looking for :peace::clap:
 
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S

stump

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Feb 23, 2018
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#5
i try to share perspective in the hopes they might see things a little differently, especially if it's a subject they don't really care about and don't know much about.:
There's a difference between standing up for your beliefs and picking a fight with people. And yes, trying to get somebody to see things differently is picking a fight, especially if they don't ask for your opinion. You don't have to pretend you agree with someone but you don't have to try to convert them to your point of view either.

"I don't really see it that way." Saying that will give the other person the opportunity to ask for your opinion or to change the subject to something more agreeable.

People are only celebrated for standing up for what they believe in by other people who already share their views.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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#6
Some good advice here. You can for example say, in my opinion the weather has been pretty good - clear and not too cold. That creates a different impression than saying, I disagree, the weather has been awful! In the first instance you are stating your opinion, in the second it seems you are going to debate them about what the facts are. But in both cases you are making it clear you think differently about things than they do.

A phrase I also sometimes use is “my thinking is that...” This is a step less certain than “my opinion is...”, because you are saying something that is just a passing thought, not a strongly considered standpoint.

Disagreeing with people without irritating, debating or fighting them is an art form. It requires some tact and diplomacy, even when you know you’re clearly in the right and they’re going in completely the wrong direction. Saying that is like making them lose face. Although sometimes you just have to go with something like “perhaps it would be better to say that...”
 
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