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How to chat with someone new you are attracted to on the Internet? Please help.

W

wonke29

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
39
Location
Moldova
Hi! I suffer from social anxiety and I also suffer from depression.

I am very sick of trying to make myself attractive. I am so stressed about me being alone. I want to get in touch with someone I like, but I don't know what to say and how to say it. I am attracted by less complex things at a person, or at least I do not know how to describe my reasoning about me liking her, and this makes me feel stupid. When I think I found the "princess" I feel like a stupid because I did not search a lot, I did not filter a lot of people. I feel bad about liking the body of someone, I feel bad about linking personality traits to the appearance of her, I feel in a fast process of overaging. I feel bad at persuading, I feel like I am doing a bad thing. The feeling when I see a "perfect body with a perfect mind", a part of myself somehow, is destroyed by my subconscious mind which receives bad thoughts or makes them out of nothing. I was not born in a perfect family. There are tons of videos about this on YouTube but I don't have time to study this subject. If there is a short advice, or a longer one, with meaning for me, please talk to me.

Confidence? I can make it in time. I can fall and rise up again. It's OK.
Desire? No women feels desire for me, except the strange, ugly, old and stupid, those voices who really have a word to say in my degraded mind.
I don't know how to keep the "maybe" alive.
I don't have those special hands required to trigger the emotional buttons, not like a cascade but like a warm wind.
Body language? It is not the case, I am trying online, and video calls appear distant when I send messages too fast and the rejection seems stupid even to me.
Arousal? If that would happen in a year from now I would be happy, but I am so far from that...
I feel like it is not OK to like the body.
I try to speak elegantly but in the last time the voice which I loved in the past seems to become retarded, change its style like I have speaking disorders. I put my hope in the Internet. There seems to be a her for every him. But I am too stupid to make it work.

Thank you.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6,513
Location
Nashua NH
I’m not sure if exactly what you would like advice on. Could you say what you would like advice on succinctly here?
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
1,790
Location
nowhere
Don't feel bad about being attracted to a person's looks. We all are. It's biological to be attracted to physical beauty. Just remember though that's not the total person and to get to know the whole person.

It sounds like you feel bad about a lot of things. Could you name some things you feel good about?

It sounds like you dislike a lot of things about yourself. Could you name some things you like about yourself?

You say you're very stressed about being alone. What makes you stressed about that?
 
W

wonke29

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
39
Location
Moldova
It sounds like you feel bad about a lot of things. Could you name some things you feel good about?

It sounds like you dislike a lot of things about yourself. Could you name some things you like about yourself?
Thank you for these exercises, I feel better now.

You say you're very stressed about being alone. What makes you stressed about that?
I feel like I am aging fast, I feel like all the other good people which have my age already discovered love and sexuality. Me neither love nor sexuality. I feel that I am doing something wrong, in average half of the people I see on the Internet are girls or women. I do not have friends to visit me, just virtual friends, I stay with a part of my family with which I feel isolated from the real world. The Internet is full of sexual energies and I want to escape them, to live the real love.

I’m not sure if exactly what you would like advice on. Could you say what you would like advice on succinctly here?
Advice on working out a conversation with a girl that I just saw on a social network. I think that in front of her I am older, I am ill, maybe I am also ugly. I've tried years ago with things like:
  • Hi! I like how you look. I want us to become friends.
  • Hi! I like how intelligent you are (and other personality traits here). Would you like us to become friends?
The silence and my waiting for a response combined are so painful.
 
J

JSB

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
50
Location
Lancaster
I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, so I know how it feels, but I will try to give some advice I've learned through others and experience.

Firstly, from a mental health perspective, try not to take it so seriously. Most of us have that desire to be loved and cherished, this isn't abnormal in any way, so try to accept your thoughts without feeling you're wrong. Try to remember that the people you communicate with don't know the real you, if they don't respond it's not a reflection of your true character; it can't be, because no-one can make a fully honest assessment based on a chat up line or a hello. So, if the woman is silent it means nothing about yourself as a person; at most it means you are not good at initiating contact in a romantic way, but plenty are bad at that, so it's not something to beat yourself up about and it's something which can be worked on so that you do make a mark.

Remember that on dating sites, which I presume you're using, women often get many people trying to communicate with them and many are therefore ignored either because they don't see it because of how many messages they get or because they look for what they consider to be the best of the bunch to communicate with, since they don't want to have their time consumed through talking to 100 guys at once. This makes things hard for those of us who cannot seem to match the guys who find making a first move easy and have a profile which is more enticing, but that's the dating game. It's hard.

I am not going to comment on your looks, because I do not know what you look like and do not think this should matter. It's what's on the inside that counts and how you make that show to women you like. I know plenty of guys who are not conventionally attractive, but still find girlfriends, so even if you think of yourself as ugly in looks it doesn't mean you're ugly in personality, and will never find love. You just need to find a way to market yourself to women which seems appealing.

If you are feeling anxious when contacting women it could show in the message, which might be a turn off. Charismatic men who feel comfortable in their own skin are more appealing than someone who gives off the energy that they're downbeat about themselves and have low self-esteem, and I think this is possibly where you are struggling, going from your comments. If you come across as confident in who you are in your profile and tone of language when communicating it would be more appealing. When on dates or whatever it's best to not have the energy of "this has to work out," because that causes nerves and puts women off. A relaxed attitude of "what will be will be" is more likely to be appealing, because it creates the impression that you are a wholesome individual. Hard I know for those of us with mental health issues, but the solution is just through acceptance, just like many aspects of mental health. If you accept your social anxieties and deal with them that way this should become easier.

Some other tips:

Do not compare to friends. Not everyone has to find the perfect match at a very young age. some find their soulmate in their 50s, so not having your soulmate now is not bad.

Some couples are unhappy. It may seem idyllic from the outside, but relationships may deteriorate through time. Some of your friends may be single in the future, though of course I hope this isn't the case.

When talking to a woman, try not to bring up suggestions of friendship from initial contact. It comes across as clingy and desperate to some. You don't know the person, and they don't know you, so suggestions of friendships at that stage is going to set off red flags, because they know you don't know them, so they're put off by someone who (in their eyes) is already moving too fast too soon. They might be wrong, but when being interacted with by strangers whose personalities are not known there are more potential concerns for those in the dating game.

Even looks can be a bit of a grey area for first impressions. Complimenting on looks can make some pull away on first contact. If you're on a dating site and communicating with them, they'll know you feel attracted to them, saying "I like your looks" might appear boring to them. At least at first; as a conversation progresses flirting would become a thing.

From a personal level, I have had more success through leading on shared interests. Things like shared interests, humour and confidence are more likely to be a hit. Remember you need to stand out from the others, so comments about liking looks will be ten a penny to them.

So, starting off with "Oh, great, you like travelling too, what are your favourite destinations?" would be more likely to lead somewhere I feel, and as the conversation progresses you would have the opportunity to be more flirty, as she posts a picture of her in Athens and you can say "wow, you look as stunning as the setting" or whatever.

Hope this helps.
 
L

Lottie16

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Portsmouth
Hi! I suffer from social anxiety and I also suffer from depression.

I am very sick of trying to make myself attractive. I am so stressed about me being alone. I want to get in touch with someone I like, but I don't know what to say and how to say it. I am attracted by less complex things at a person, or at least I do not know how to describe my reasoning about me liking her, and this makes me feel stupid. When I think I found the "princess" I feel like a stupid because I did not search a lot, I did not filter a lot of people. I feel bad about liking the body of someone, I feel bad about linking personality traits to the appearance of her, I feel in a fast process of overaging. I feel bad at persuading, I feel like I am doing a bad thing. The feeling when I see a "perfect body with a perfect mind", a part of myself somehow, is destroyed by my subconscious mind which receives bad thoughts or makes them out of nothing. I was not born in a perfect family. There are tons of videos about this on YouTube but I don't have time to study this subject. If there is a short advice, or a longer one, with meaning for me, please talk to me.

Confidence? I can make it in time. I can fall and rise up again. It's OK.
Desire? No women feels desire for me, except the strange, ugly, old and stupid, those voices who really have a word to say in my degraded mind.
I don't know how to keep the "maybe" alive.
I don't have those special hands required to trigger the emotional buttons, not like a cascade but like a warm wind.
Body language? It is not the case, I am trying online, and video calls appear distant when I send messages too fast and the rejection seems stupid even to me.
Arousal? If that would happen in a year from now I would be happy, but I am so far from that...
I feel like it is not OK to like the body.
I try to speak elegantly but in the last time the voice which I loved in the past seems to become retarded, change its style like I have speaking disorders. I put my hope in the Internet. There seems to be a her for every him. But I am too stupid to make it work.

Thank you.
 
L

Lottie16

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2020
Messages
8
Location
Portsmouth
Try to love yourself more
Look in the mirror and say I’m strong I’m good I’m worthy
 

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