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How to be your own hero

tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
I have just come out of a relationship with a covert narcissist. One of the perks of him wanting to be in charge was that he took care of very many things for me and I became wholly dependent on him. Now I must pick up the pieces and boy, has he left my life shattered. I took an extra klonopin here and there as this has been going down and now am in withdrawal for 3 days, so that I am having panic attacks. I am also stone broke. And he had my electricity, wifi & phone turned off. I still have water. I have bought 4 LED lanterns and a pack of sternos. I applied for food stamps. I won't get much but any is a help. I am eligible for a free phone but apparently David got me one in 2013 that I did not use so now I first must go buy a phone. and yes, I am stone broke. so will have to wait for the 3d to get paid. but Joe owes me. if it is enough I can go get one at walmart. I can't do anything with the electric until he signs off the lease which he is refusing to do. then I will have to come up with $1000 for his past due bill and the security deposit which means I will be living without electricity for 3 months. the only thing I have accomplished is to get a package with a new blanket delivered today. This is hard. But only one person can do it and that is me. so I will and I will do it like a champ.
 
Topcat

Topcat

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Jan 8, 2018
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2,434
Oh no :( the way you've talked about your life in the past I thought you and David sounded like one of those couples that goes on forever, I'm sorry that wasn't the case and things weren't as good as all that.
Very harsh of him to get things switched off. Tough times for you, but if anyone can pull through the worst and come out on top it's you tilta. You're a strong resourceful woman, wishing you all the best xx
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Joined
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Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
Topcat, I thought we had it all too! His family said they had never seen him so happy. I was happy and felt very spoiled. He was my forever man. Now. Phoooey. I have downloaded a free book about recovery from narcissistic abuse. It's starting point is at a point of luxury when compared to my situation. It presumes one is secure. Whereas I am on the edge of homelessness. That I will live without electricity, wifi and transportation for 3 months. it is going to be hard not to get depressed, I think. I am feeling very helpless. inside, I spent today curled up in a fetal position and cried. on the outside I am appearing restless and a bit irritable. well, I am irritated about the phone. and I am sad to be holed up at my friend's house spinning my wheels. and trying to act okay. panic attacks.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
minute by minute, day by day, second by second. I managed to do something other than obsess over narcissism and watched some news. then I went to sleep very early. just got woke by Joe coming home but he gave me 1/2 mg of klonopin and I am grateful for that. I ate the other 1/2 of my sub sandwich today. didn't get the blanket picked up yet. One of the first things I did was to remove his comforter from my bed and order my own. thankfully, I can go back to sleep now.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Sep 5, 2019
Messages
278
Location
On The Train
It's difficult Tiltawhirl, I feel your pain :hug:

I was obsessed with Narcissism. It was totally fascinating that all of the bizarre and seemingly random things that he did were actually all connected in some way. There are many great youtube channels that helped me understand. My top four are these:

Angie Atkinson: Angie Atkinson
James: begood4000
Lisa Romano: Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.
The Little Shaman's sister: The Little Shaman

I still listen to them when I am out and about. It was such a great feeling to know I wasn't alone in my experiences. I spent a long, long time studying narcissism but now I feel I can move on.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
Thank you, Tulip! As soon as I get time where I am not bothering anyone else I will go to those channels. I am trying to sort out what happened to me in that relationship so that I can identify my sick thinking and learn a healthier and more accurate perspective. Taking good care of me is paramount so I will celebrate that every step of the way. I had a long, good night's sleep last night and woke feeling positive. Today is mostly waiting for tomorrow..for refills & money. and if I get lucky ..buying a phone so I can get free service put on it. So, mostly I will be about getting some decent food in me today. that is not as easy as it sounds due to circumstances.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Joined
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Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
I slept a lot today..and kept getting woke up too but it's all good because I didn't spend any time thinking about him or autopsying myself nor uncomfortable from withdrawals. They made those nasty frozen little salisbury steaks with brown gravy which is an acquired taste but I love them. and instant potatoes to go with & beans. I had seconds. so that is a great victory for the day...I am prone to skip eating when stressed. I will make a fresh pitcher of tea in a little bit.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
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Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
Good morning, finally the 18th is here! klonopin refills. Yesterday my blanket was showing up as undeliverable. how aggravating! I get stuff delivered all the time. sent them an email. won't get much or any cash today. wonder when joe gets paid? I know this is getting monotonous but I need the damned phone too. I am going to have to go home and change in order to go get the refills and I did not want to have to see until I had some...but I will deal with it because there is nothing else to do. I am used to david picking up my scrips for me.I used to rock self confidence, how did I become so fearful? Today I will be my own hero and deal with whatever he did in the house and pick up my scrips.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
He did not take a whole lot from the house, just his electronics and left behind much more than I expected. However someone had put up yellow tape on the entrance. I did okay going for refills too except that I forgot my ID so have to go back with it to pick them up. Have to wait 2 hours for another ride and I am shaking from withdrawals. I have to find out what the yellow tape is about. electric probably. anyway, this sucks.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,044
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
I am good at reading advice, not so good at taking it. Been trying to get him to do the right thing by me at no cost to him re:cosigning for my elec. Just making myself vulnerable and hurt again. My body is telling me "Enough!" I have spent the day miserably sick all through my GI system. Feels like I have been reading relationship books all my life! I have been reading a lot about narcisissm and just struck into a truth. Why he really couldn't deal with me in college. I loved the class and did super well in it but what he couldn't bear was my final which was a speech/public presentation. It was great, I won everyone over. Very well done and very well received with approbation from the prof. He as the narcissist believes a grandiose self esteem.That he is superior and he should be the one people marvel to listen to and be recognized as a genius. His support became envy. And we found my last line not to be crossed. I do have all sorts of symptoms to heal. I am still agoraphobic in broad daylight. It took me 3 days to walk right over to the mailboxes and get my mail. I can't believe food stamps aren't in yet! Still have to get my phone connected. He has the right to act stupid, I have the right and the responsibility to stay away from it. I have enough other stuff to deal with. cptsd. money troubles. my penpals & Joe just got arrested on a parole violation from 2 years ago. I need to write him asap. His mother is strangely incurious about it while I am eager to get a letter to him. They said he was most worried about me. I am worried about him.
 
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