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How the past changed me. My long story

Angels

Angels

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Well ive never been able to talk to anyone about this really so here goes nothing. my life and how i got to where i am. this is extremley emotional for me to write, so i hope you all understand.

For all who dont know, im Hannah, im 15 years old.

when i was 6 i had to grow up fast, i had an uncle that was an avid heroin addict. he would steal from me, he did anything he could to get money for his 'fix'. i loved my nan and grandad to bits. My mother said i could not visit them anymore because my uncle lived there and he would leave around dirty heroin needles. as well as other various items. the police would constantly be showing up. we live in a peaceful isolated area so obviously it got the nighbours talking. many people in my family and neighbourhood were beaten up, my grandad held hostage by drug dealers because my uncle didnt pay them. i had a hard time dealing with what was going on.
in younger years my cousin was a self harmer. i had no idea why she would mutilate her arms the way she did. she was 17 and beautiful, she had everything going for her! she burned her stomach, cut chunks out of her arm. bruised herself, it was horrific. she still bares the scars she made. but she would bleed and i would be confused. my parents isolated me from her.
since i was around 8 years old i've had a feeling of 'not belonging'. I spent my days on my own somewhere minding my own business, getting the odd school bully picking on my glasses (which i do not wear ever since that day), My sister was the favourite. she still is. my sister is now 18 and the wonderchild. even though she made the wrong choices in life. my parents love her. i will say my parents dont love me and people just go in denial about it. saying 'of course they do' but i know they are wrong when they say that. i will move onto that later, i was the odd one out in the family. quiet, moody. my mum would hit me on occasion for no reason then apologize about it later. so i just spent my time in solitude.
i had a grandma that i really loved and she lived with us in the house. she was always nice. she was a lovely woman. she and my mum did not get along though. (she was my dads mother) there would be alot of arguments. i remember this day like it was yesterday, i was at home from school because it was a teachers training day. my sister was upstairs sleeping. i was 10 years old, i was playing on the computer wile my nan was watching her programmes, and my nan felt ill all of a sudden. i didnt know what was happening. i thought she was pretending, to wind me up. she fell unconcious and i hugged her trying to keep her up, because her body was drooping and going pale. i called my cousin who was across the road to come over quickly. he didnt belive me and he didnt come. i called the ambulance straight after, but my nan was dead, i didnt know it yet. i called my cousin again after and he rushed over. he tried to save her. i stayed with her, calling my parents to come home quickly. she was hooked up to machines and sent to hospital. they managed to get her breathing but she was brain dead. she couldnt move and she would never be able to. machines made her breathe, they made her stay alive. i saw it, and it made me sick. my dad told them to switch the machines off. she was gone forever.
i remember my dream that night too. my mind recreated what had happened. she was dying all over again. this time there were voices. she told me that she knew this was going to happen, and that she was scared. i had a very hard time dealing with her passing. and it is still hard to think about now, so il move on.
after my nans funeral my other auntie gale began to really mess her life up with alcohol, she came to our house without clothes on. she would get beaten and abused. she did not know what was going on half the time. my parents have an 'were better than everyone else' attitude. so they wanted nothing to do with her.
i spent a few years getting bullied, i turned into a completley different person. as high school approached. i struggled making friends, i was alone, no one talked to me. i was nervous and afraid to talk to anyone. i wanted to fit in, i dyed my hair. wore makeup, dressed differently, acted disrespectful. got myself into alot of trouble. i lied about who i was. i was embarrassed to be myself. i hated who i was.
i was one of the first girls to get my period. i was very young. my hormones came, and i wanted to kill myself. i changed, i hated who i was, i had no confidence at all. i cut myself for attention. i admit i did it for attention because i wanted to be noticed. i remember the long nights spent in the bath falling asleep. wanting to drown slowly. my arms became mutialted to the point where it wasnt for attention. i had burns, it reminded me of my cousins arms. it made me sick. i stopped cutting myself, and began starving myself and not sleeping. this all went bad, as you can imagine.
I tried improving my way of life. i tried acting myself. i had some more new friends, so my life was improving because i had support. if it was not for the improvement, im afraid i would be lying dead in the ground right now. i did better in school. i was on an all time high.
on holiday, news came out that my dad was having an affair. we came home and then everything went wrong again. my dad spent his time trying to turn me and my sister against my mom. so that she would stay with him. a selfish, horrible thing a man could do. my mum stayed with my dad. but arguments kept occuring. for years this went on. my dad would get violent. my mum overdosed. the nights spent in hospital, i did not want to be around anymore. i cut myself off from my parents. stayed in my room. me and my sister argued, she would always turn my parents against me. i hurt myself, over and over again. but this time i did not care how my arms looked. i never saw them. i hid them from the world. i lost intrest in sleeping. and i would stay up all night just staring around my room.
then my life turned really bad recently, i wont go into detail because its still raw to talk about. A guy i hardly knew, told me that if i didnt have sex with him then he would kill himself and hurt me. i hardly knew him, but i cared about him. its very hard to explain, but he made me feel good about myself, he made me feel like i fit in with everyone else. but i hated him (yeah its complicated) so i did it against my will. i didnt care if he hurt me, i didnt care if i was dead or not. but i just didnt want him to harm himself, because i know what its like. this kept going on. he abused me, he hurt himself infront of me and even worse, he made me watch him cut himself.
My parents caught me one day going to see him, because if i didnt then there would be consiquences. they searched through all my stuff, laptop, phone. they called the police and months of stuff has been going on. the police sent me to a mental health hospital.
all the police stuff finished about 4 months ago. he was sentanced to 6 years, no less. i felt free, but i felt alone. i continued to hurt myself. my parents hated me.
my parents blamed me for what happened. i was not trusted, they had to know where i was going, they followed me, they made other people follow me. my dad crushed my laptop and phone so i had nothing to do but sit in my room completley in a low state. when things got worse, my mum came up into my room one day to check on me. i was shivering, holding my bleeding arms, crying. she swore at me, shouted, screamed. then my dad came up and made things worse. He shouts, he leaves the room, he comes back, shouts some more, drinks alcohol, leaves the room, then he came back in, grabbed my sore arm. twisted it, and bruised it, and he threatened to break it. no one would help me. no one asked why i did it. they shouted, screamed and kicked me out the house. my dad however made me come back, and basically said im only around the house because my mom would worry about me.
she called me a mistake, if i hug her she will hurt me by digging her nails into my ribs to get me off.
i starve, bleed and stay awake.
i have found myself changing again. i stay up in my room still. if someone shouts or raises their voice at me, i break down. i cant look at anyone. i get nervous in crowds. i can't walk past 3 people. i dont trust anyone. my moods get really low.
my parents shout at me for my attitude,
when i get to my lowest point. i hear whispers. but i dont know what they say. i feel scared but at peace. im making no progress with my therapist. my GP cant do anything but refer me to help services.

I dont want to be around any longer. but im stupid enough to stay and endure, to see if anything will get better for me. if something good doesnt happen soon, then im worried about what might happen.
I stay positive though, and refelect on all the good thats ever happened. anything thats ever made me laugh. i avoid the urge to hurt myself. im improving my arms gradually with some cream and bio-oil. i just have to stay positive,
Positivity can get you through the hardest of times.

I hope you all get something out of my story, it reminds me that the world can be cruel and full of cruel people and how much someones actions can affect another person. but out of bad things, comes a good thing. the good thing might be tiny, but its the tiny things that can make a differance.

Thankyou for reading, all comments or reply's will be appreciated. feel free to to send me private messages. i will not tolerate disrespectful people.

thankyou for reading
Best wishes to everyone
-hannah xx
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
Hannah - you have had so much to deal with in your short little life. You sound like a brave girl. It is hard to get past all the bad stuff. Im 34 now and still remember what you are describing as a childhood. It does get easier. altho sometimes it doesnt feel like that when your mood gets low. I reckon you should stay and fight on, like you have done. You sound like a special person who has a purpose on this earth. Nice to talk to you. Sending a big hug. 15 eh, my son is 12 you are making me feel old lol xx
 
Angels

Angels

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i just feel like sharing has made me feel alot better. thankyou for your kind words!
 
A

Adi01

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Mar 27, 2010
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Berkshire
Hannah you really are a remarkable young lady. to have gone through so much agony and heartache must have been unbearable. You however are a strong,courages young lady who should be very proud of yourself. to have gone through so much and come out the other side. Fantastic, things will now only improve for you. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Ade xxx
 
Angels

Angels

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Joined
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thanks, i just hope my story can help others somehow. theres alot life can throw at you, as youv'e seen. but it can be overcome
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
Welcome

Your history is heart breaking and i to suffered as a child i hope that now things are better for you and the ghosts of the past do not overwhelm you ??
Please know you are never alone and we all know your pain and hurt, we are always here !!


:grouphug::dance::dance:
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,625
Dear Hannah,

The pain you have gone through is enough to make anyone not wish to be here anymore - I do understand, you are brave and positive - yes keep holding on to the tiny things that are positive and I hope that you will be able to make some progress with your therapy, its difficult I understand - please keep going and thanks for sharing your story.

Keep well and be safe
KS
 

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