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How on earth do I stop feeling suicidal about being single?

S

Sarah889

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Joined
Apr 12, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Derby
Not sure if this has anything to do with the bpd or not but ever since I was a little girl I've always put on a pedestal the idea of having a boyfriend. Like I've fantasised about it so many times and longed for the day for it to finally arrive.

Anyway, it did. I had 2 relationships when I was in my teens that just kind of fizzled out- these were back to back. I knew that I was ready to leave the first one, however the idea of being single terrified me so much that I actually waited until I met someone else before leaving the first one.
When I entered my twenties, I had my first real relationship. I was in love, me and this guy planned our future together, and I felt like I was finally happy. I was finally in that Fairytale romance that I'd idealised so much to myself over the years. I was completely obsessed with him (knowing about my bpd, I tried not to be so consumed with him, but he just made me so happy).
Fast forward two years later, and he cheated on me. My whole world came crumbling down. It just didn't fit with the story. How could he cheat on me when we were going to spend the rest of our lives together?
However, after a messy breakup (where I ended up being the one begging him to try and give things another go, that was a real low) I am now single, and I have been for over a year.
At first, I full on freaked out, but I consoled myself by saying that I'd soon meet someone else. However it's now been a year and I just haven't met anyone who I'm interested in.
I'm starting to panic again. I used to be quite positive about finding someone, and had more good days than bad. But now they're all bad. I go through states of depression where I just think what's the point in all this, to states of anxiety where I think it's now been 'x' days since I've been single and I still haven't found anyone.
I think this codv19 pandemic has made everything so much worse because I'm thinking 'if we're in lockdown for''x' amount of months then this means for certain that I won't meet a partner for this whole time' and that makes me panic even more.
My whole life really is consumed around finding a boyfriend and I can't think of anything else. I've tried making a life for myself outside of a romantic relationship but I'm just so fed up. I just feel like it really isn't fair
Why is it that the one thing I desire more than anything else I can't have? I'm only 22,but I want to be married already. All around me my friends are getting engaged and it's becoming harder and harder to act happy for them when I'm so bitter and jealous.
Anyway, this post is getting a bit rambling but maybe I'm hoping that some of you will understand my obsession around being in a relationship? I've just been rejected by a boy who was literally my last chance of finding someone (he'd shown interest in the past) he was messaging me for a while and has just started ignoring me.
I feel really really low today and I can't bring myself out. Like what's the point in life if its going to be like this forever. I highly doubt I'm going to find anyone again. I'm so specific with what I like and then the only boys that I am into (about 2 % of the population) are either in relationships or are just fuckboys who wanna mess me around.
Any supportive words would be nice right now, I've been stuck in a really dark place all day.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,885
Location
Nashua NH
I really feel for you in your situation and can understand your deep frustration. Personally I haven’t been so set on being married but I can tell that this is something of great importance to you. For your own peace of mind I would just forget about being married for a little while. Try to put the need and desire on the back burner and focus on finding meaning in other areas of your life outside of relationships. At 22 you have so much time to connect with someone that could lead to marriage. If you haven’t already maybe ask your friends if they have any friends who are marriage minded that they could introduce you to. Try and stay away from fuckboys because they usually aren’t interested in settling down. Take great care of yourself and try to enjoy being single for awhile. What else can you really do, right?
 
S

Sarah889

New member
Joined
Apr 12, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Derby
I really feel for you in your situation and can understand your deep frustration. Personally I haven’t been so set on being married but I can tell that this is something of great importance to you. For your own peace of mind I would just forget about being married for a little while. Try to put the need and desire on the back burner and focus on finding meaning in other areas of your life outside of relationships. At 22 you have so much time to connect with someone that could lead to marriage. If you haven’t already maybe ask your friends if they have any friends who are marriage minded that they could introduce you to. Try and stay away from fuckboys because they usually aren’t interested in settling down. Take great care of yourself and try to enjoy being single for awhile. What else can you really do, right?
Thank you for such a kind reply.
Do you have any suggestions on how to forget about this obsession? In the past Ive found that the best technique for distancing myself from my worries would be to go out and spend time with other people, but obviously I can't do that right now 😔
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,615
Location
North Carolina
Thank you for such a kind reply.
Do you have any suggestions on how to forget about this obsession? In the past Ive found that the best technique for distancing myself from my worries would be to go out and spend time with other people, but obviously I can't do that right now 😔
Try to find hobbies or think of other goals to set for yourself maybe career or healthwise. Its important you have value in yourself and dont put so much worth in having another person. I mean your only 22, you have so much time. Everyone being stuck inside inside its a perfect time to meet people online or in apps. But i think it would benefit you to take some time and work on yourself.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
939
Not sure if this has anything to do with the bpd or not but ever since I was a little girl I've always put on a pedestal the idea of having a boyfriend. Like I've fantasised about it so many times and longed for the day for it to finally arrive.

Anyway, it did. I had 2 relationships when I was in my teens that just kind of fizzled out- these were back to back. I knew that I was ready to leave the first one, however the idea of being single terrified me so much that I actually waited until I met someone else before leaving the first one.
When I entered my twenties, I had my first real relationship. I was in love, me and this guy planned our future together, and I felt like I was finally happy. I was finally in that Fairytale romance that I'd idealised so much to myself over the years. I was completely obsessed with him (knowing about my bpd, I tried not to be so consumed with him, but he just made me so happy).
Fast forward two years later, and he cheated on me. My whole world came crumbling down. It just didn't fit with the story. How could he cheat on me when we were going to spend the rest of our lives together?
However, after a messy breakup (where I ended up being the one begging him to try and give things another go, that was a real low) I am now single, and I have been for over a year.
At first, I full on freaked out, but I consoled myself by saying that I'd soon meet someone else. However it's now been a year and I just haven't met anyone who I'm interested in.
I'm starting to panic again. I used to be quite positive about finding someone, and had more good days than bad. But now they're all bad. I go through states of depression where I just think what's the point in all this, to states of anxiety where I think it's now been 'x' days since I've been single and I still haven't found anyone.
I think this codv19 pandemic has made everything so much worse because I'm thinking 'if we're in lockdown for''x' amount of months then this means for certain that I won't meet a partner for this whole time' and that makes me panic even more.
My whole life really is consumed around finding a boyfriend and I can't think of anything else. I've tried making a life for myself outside of a romantic relationship but I'm just so fed up. I just feel like it really isn't fair
Why is it that the one thing I desire more than anything else I can't have? I'm only 22,but I want to be married already. All around me my friends are getting engaged and it's becoming harder and harder to act happy for them when I'm so bitter and jealous.
Anyway, this post is getting a bit rambling but maybe I'm hoping that some of you will understand my obsession around being in a relationship? I've just been rejected by a boy who was literally my last chance of finding someone (he'd shown interest in the past) he was messaging me for a while and has just started ignoring me.
I feel really really low today and I can't bring myself out. Like what's the point in life if its going to be like this forever. I highly doubt I'm going to find anyone again. I'm so specific with what I like and then the only boys that I am into (about 2 % of the population) are either in relationships or are just fuckboys who wanna mess me around.
Any supportive words would be nice right now, I've been stuck in a really dark place all day.
Im sorry youre having such a tough time with relationships. I myself have never been in a relationship, nor have i even had sex. But im over that now. But what i will tell you is its probably better not to compare yourself to others who are doing successfully, that will only rip ur heart out. I dont compare myself to friends in that sense anymore.

Other than that, you must remember that youre only 22. You have loads of time. And you have had i believe 3 boyfriends up til now. That is a great number. Believe me, most people dont have relationships in their teens. Only one of my 5 friends did. What im saying is you have had success. And im sure it will come by again soon post covid19.....

other than that keep posting here on the forum for help and support.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,408
Location
London, ON
I'm so specific with what I like and then the only boys that I am into (about 2 % of the population
Maybe you need to rethink your standards. I mean, my personal "ideal", is teh stereotypical "manic pixie dream girl" type. It's a small pool of women how match that. On the other hand, there's a fair bit of leeway in my standards.

If you tie yourself too closely to a narrow type, well, yeah, it's going to be hard to find a match.

Honestly, you need to learn to handle being alone, and to be patient. You're young, there's lots of time and people still for you.
 
S

sab1978

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Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
182
Location
Canada
Sounds like you’ve tied up your self-worth to having a partner. Our society tells us that everything will be perfect after we find and marry our match. Not so. Unless you find your self worth from within (by taking care of yourself and pursuing your own passions), a marriage will likely fail. You’ll always be looking to this person to complete you...and nothing external can complete you. Don’t think for a minute that because your friends are settling down that they’re happy.

I used to feel the way you do in my early 20s. I would be filled with panic and dread that I’d never find someone. I focused on my education and my career. When I was 28 and very secure and independent, I met the man who would become my husband...and there was no desperation around the situation. We’ve been together for 14 years now.

You’ve got lots of time...use it to work on yourself. The guy you’re meant to be with will find his way to you once you’re not needing him so badly.
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,849
Key words - ever since I was a little girl.
I think if you want to move out of this, you need to look at what were you lacking when you were a little girl?
Some children can be highly sensitive and perceptive, we pick up on chaos, a lack of love, or even stability, constancy in the family home. We absorb it and there emerges within us a sense of "lacking". We search for the thing we lack. Quite often that is the sense that we are 'okay', the sense that we are 'enough', the sense that we are 'valued' or 'loved'. This translates itself into the search and the quest to be loved, to make up for some emptiness or something that wasn't within us as children. You project your needs onto one person to fill what lacks.

Be clear, the suicidality and the feeling of there not being enough that you experience, is rough.
Real rough. Not everyone has to go through this. A lot of people don't.
The only way out of this is to beat it out of yourself. That's like when people work out and they talk about pain being weakness leaving the body. Life is hard, but it's meant to be harder for some people than for others, it's a harder fight for them because of their sensitivities and long histories of lacking. But you can do it.

Trust me, no man is going to be able to validate you or make you self-care in the way you wish. You may as well accept that as certainty. There is no prince charming. There is no easy way out. The only way out is the hard way out. To carve your own path, and find your own satisfactions in life. Genuinely, if you are waiting for a man to do this for you, you are fighting a losing battle.
 
P

Purpleplum

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What do you find so ideal about having a boyfriend...why do you idolize it...reasons?
 
S

Scribblsandbits

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Calgary
Thank you for such a kind reply.
Do you have any suggestions on how to forget about this obsession? In the past Ive found that the best technique for distancing myself from my worries would be to go out and spend time with other people, but obviously I can't do that right now 😔
In this day and age, getting married does not hold the same weight as it used to. People get hitched and divorce 2 years later, the vows are null and void. There is no age cutoff for a family. I too have and still feel a longing for a partner in life, but I think it is a thing that does not have a time limit, like generations past. Don't be in a hurry to marry or have a family by a deadline. Im single as a Pringle, and very lonely as everyone in my family has their "someone" however I'm not going to hurry to just not be single. My last relationship was proof that you cannot MAKE a relationship no matter how much love you throw its way.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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Oct 16, 2019
Messages
439
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UK
Be kind to yourself a little bit. If you have to have a BF to feel valid or to feel life is worth living then that isn't the reason to get one. Can you start planning parts of your life that bring a sense of closeness to others, meaning, fulfilment without having a BF? Once you have those things you can start looking for a relationship so that the relationship isn't ALL you have. A one legged table (having a BF as the key reason to live) is no good if that leg gets knocked out from underneath.
 
S

silentlamb

New member
Joined
Nov 19, 2021
Messages
2
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United States
Im sorry youre having such a tough time with relationships. I myself have never been in a relationship, nor have i even had sex. But im over that now. But what i will tell you is its probably better not to compare yourself to others who are doing successfully, that will only rip ur heart out. I dont compare myself to friends in that sense anymore.

Other than that, you must remember that youre only 22. You have loads of time. And you have had i believe 3 boyfriends up til now. That is a great number. Believe me, most people dont have relationships in their teens. Only one of my 5 friends did. What im saying is you have had success. And im sure it will come by again soon post covid19.....

other than that keep posting here on the forum for help and support.
I am brand new here...just joined tonight but I saw your message and I want to tell you that your concerns are the same as mine were. I am very much older now and way past even wanting to be in a relationship but when I look back at all the time I spent worrying that I would never find anyone, I realize that time was important to my future self.

Each one of those lonely days was a day I was growing stronger if only by the smallest, tiniest bit. I didn't know it then (and would have been really upset if anyone suggested I "enjoy" my time alone!) But, those days helped me to build a future life I would love. But first, I would end up having three marriages that ended in divorce (which had a great deal to do with my BPD, my thinking, and in choosing the men I did. I live alone now and simply can't imagine giving any of my time to a man (even if it was someone I loved.) So, try not to panic, you can't know how this time will impact your future years. And someday, you just might be glad you had this time.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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Oct 16, 2019
Messages
439
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UK
I feel for you as this is a horrible feeling and I hope things feel better soon.

What can you do? Find a partner, accept where you are at this moment or stay miserable... there aren't many other options really.

I love radical acceptance, it is a life saver for me. Though this takes a HUGE amount of effort. Essentially you cannot know what tomorrow will bring and you can't change the past. You can only change what you can and accept what you can't. There really isn't many other options.
 
D

Dwight7

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May 9, 2021
Messages
107
Location
TX
I relate to so much of your post.

I’m 35 now and totally closed off to marriage happening for me. It’s a frustration that lies beneath the surface. Some days I’m ok, others I’m in despair. Being alone at home is hard sometimes. The holidays are hard.

When people ask if I’m married, it’s almost physically painful when I say no. Then they do the usual “you still have time”; “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”; “oh that’s ok you’ll find someone.”

Find some things you enjoy and do those. Exercise, get organized, set a couple new goals you can work towards. I’ve done this and though I’m still single, it gives me things to look forward to. Also my parents are elderly and need me now.
 
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