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How my bpd feels like.

D

Dagoon

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
152
Location
Np20
"I cant speak for everyone's experience "

Ok. I was thinking this morning how would I explain to someone what a typical day is for me.
So here it is.
I wake up in the morning 9/10 times I have a headache. I lay in bed until I quiet the noise in my head, when it lessons (but not completely disappears) I make myself a coffee. I used to stay away from caffeine but I need it to keep me awake, I take my antidepressants antihistamines and vitamin D. Then I take painkillers for my head. Turns out the headaches are from grinding my teeth away whilst I sleep, now I know why I feel tired all the time, so my sleep isn't safe anymore either.
So im now ready to not face my day the noise in my head is still there. Now I'm going to explain how that feels.
Put your headphones in your ears, put music on that you hate, put it on low but not too low, then put it on loop. Now. Get on with your day. Go to work make decisions do your normal day routine.
By the end of that day you can take those headphones off and feel relieved that its over.
I cant do that. I can press ignore from time to time. But it never goes away. I have no rest bite.
The only thing that works is by taking the highest dose of sertraline.
But doing that turns me into a zombie, it stops me from feeling. And my job as a carer demands that I care. Any job demands that you care.
So I come down a little on my meds, and I start to let the flood in. It overwhelms me I break down, cry scream to the point my eyes are so puffy that one comes up with a bruise. I look like ive been through a war. And I have, my own personal war. Everyday the same rinse repeat. And you just want it to be over, you don't want to feel this way anymore it starts to effect those around you. Then you get told to, pull yourself together, and you just look in disbelief because you think, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK IVE BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME.
You only see the outburst you only see when ive had enough of trying to keep it all together. When im loosing it at you or those around me its because ive lost that fight you couldn't see. Because if you could see my fight! I have with myself everyday! You would admit me to a psyc ward. Or yourself.
My partner always says, why dont you share with me before you go off. And I say, because I wasn't ready to share, because I was still trying to pick the pieces of the threads in my brain apart to see what is going on.
Its not that simple when dealing with your mind, firstly who wants to admit to themselves that they are weak? That's what society has always told us yeah? Hide your pain.
Well im done sharing. Its helped a little.
Thank you.
 
L

Loudpypes

Member
Joined
Mar 11, 2021
Messages
6
Location
Florida
Wow sorry your days are like that. Mine are bad also. I wakeup filled with anxiety and hopelessness. My dr wants to try TMS on me. Have you heard of it? Maybe it's something you should ask your dr about.
 
D

Dagoon

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
152
Location
Np20
Hey no ive not heard of that. Currently having to do this trauma dvd course from my psychiatrist but its hard going. The videos are roughly put together and are a nightmare to watch. All over the place they are.
 
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