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How I got here

Tierra Robada

Tierra Robada

New member
Joined
Sep 5, 2016
Messages
3
Hello everyone. I am new here and thought I'd say hello and tell everyone about myself.

I'm 34 years old. I have a big family. I have 2 kids who are growing up fast! They live with their mother whom I separated from over two years ago after many years of struggle. I have regular contact with them which is important to me and my family.

I've had the same job for almost 13 years. I have a lot of time by myself as my job is a very individual one for most of the day. This is one reason why I took it. I'm not great with big crowds of people or working with groups of people. The same goes with friendship. I have a small number of friends which is how I like it. I don't think these factors have lead to my depression as these are the kind of things I've sort of had control over and like the way they are.

As for my depression, well it goes back a long way. It hasn't always been severe though. I think it started back in high school, around 15 years of age. Back then life was all about hanging out with my friends and taking life easy. I was lucky in the fact that I was a very middle of the road type. Not really bullied or made fun of but equally not a popular type. I had 2 good friends and then another 3 or 4 distant friends which suited me fine. As school was coming to an end, most people seemed to have an idea of what to do next but I didn't at all. My 2 good friends had their plans in mind for a while and when school finished they both went off to their respective colleges to study what they wanted to do. One being a car mechanic and the other was more artistic/creative.

I stayed on at sixth form college and got a part time job as I had no idea what to do and no real direction to go. My parents were separated by then and Dad living in another city and Mum working 2 jobs meant there wasn't a great deal of advice to be had. The part time job lead to a full time job and I stayed for over 3 years. It was here I made my 2 good "new" friends that are still in my life today. I made a number of other friends here and enjoyed my time there. At this point life was ok but also kind of meaningless. I still had no direction or real purpose, just enjoyed the easy work, get paid, go out, run out of money and repeat.

I wanted to travel but with no money or prospects of saving it was never really possible. Also I was made to feel this was wrong by my family as they are all very traditional. I mentioned I have a big family with many uncles and aunties, cousins and second cousins etc. They all have that "normal" family life. House, car, jobs, kids at school, normal stuff. I've never really know an adventurous person in real life that matched my way of thinking. So after being put off travelling by many people over a few years, I decided to follow suit. I met my ex, we dated for a few years, got a place, had kids, steady jobs and then 12 years passed suddenly it seemed!

All of my 20's was spent at the same job, raising our kids, the occasional holiday and that normal every day life. When I reached 30 I began to realise life was moving on fast and I'm still the same unfulfilled person. My depression slowly worsened at this point on wards. Work became a chore, even though it was easy and I had my time to myself. I thought about changing my job but that made me feel worse. Every job I saw advertised filled me with horrible feelings of dread basically! Working in factories or shops, office work, delivery work, all the usual jobs. I know I'd feel trapped working in that environment.

The thoughts of travelling and even just running away came around more often. I knew I can't just up and leave because of the kids and family around me, I couldn't do that to them. That made me even more depressed and my life just felt like some kind of sentence I just had to ride out until the end I guess?

Life at home was getting worse though and both my ex and myself had fallen out of love years ago. We're too different. She only wanted the kids and a nice house, that's all. She wasn't interested in the rest of the world, just her little bubble.

Eventually we split and I felt better. She didn't seem to care and just carried on as before. I had new hopes of a fresh start, maybe even travelling when the kids are a bit older. I got my own place, met someone new and for a while, felt ok/good.

Then out of the blue, depression hit me badly. The scary thing is that there wasn't a particular cause. Maybe it was a build up of a few things like the separation and guilt but I genuinely felt better after moving on. I guess once that faded, I started to see life the same way. Work, pay bills, sleep and repeat. My ex was giving me a hard time with access to our children for a while and my new partner was having her own issues with her career which caused her major stress. Even though I moved on personally, there still seemed to be negativity all around, like it follows me.

As my life has progressed, both my parents have remarried, my younger brother has gotten married, one of my good friends has had 2 kids and settled down whilst my other friend went off the rails and ended up in rehab. I still speak to them both but we're not as close anymore due to their own personal lives. As for me I think I've got a bit lonely but in a strange twist, prefer time alone. I never show my depression as I don't want to burden anyone. My family and friends see me as a quiet independent type, which I am basically. My new partner has changed career and is really enjoying it but I can see her progressing in her life and eventually she'll be another one to leave me behind.

Now I'm at a stage where I kind of wish I never even existed. Like if I run away or end it all, I'd affect lots of people in a bad way but I also feel like I'm only living for them, living for other people. I don't want to cause any hurt or upset but on the other hand, every day or every few weeks life seems to get harder. Also I struggle to justify my depression as there isn't anything "wrong" with my life. I hate myself for feeling this way then that makes me feel worse!

Sorry for the long post. I guess I'm hoping some one out there has had a similar situation and they've got out of it or at least improved it. I should mention that I've never had any medication for my depression as I have a fear of losing the small part of me that still feels alive, I still want to be able to make my own decisions if that makes sense? Thanks for reading :)
 
Nikita

Nikita

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,860
:welcome:Tierra Robada

I am sorry that you have lost motivation,that is the depression talking.Like most people that have been talk out of their life's purpose and got way laid with family and kids you are depressed.
I am glad you aren't taking medication,cos I know from experience that can make things worse so I am in favor of a non drug approach to depression.

I recommend Mindfulness:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Wa...1&keywords=the+mindful+way+through+depression

The Mindful Way Workbook: An 8-Week Program to Free Yourself from Depression and Emotional Distress: Amazon.co.uk: John Teasdale, J. Mark G. Williams, Zindel Segal: 9781462508143: Books

I suggest to you to work through the Mindful way workbook 8 week course, with the goal of eventually going travelling like you wanted to do before life happened.They say life is what happens whilst you are making other plans, John Lennon said it actually.I think the depression would go away if you did what really makes you happy and always wanted to do and in your case that is travelling.Whatever the obstacles,overcome them and do it!:DNikitax
 
Tierra Robada

Tierra Robada

New member
Joined
Sep 5, 2016
Messages
3
:welcome:Tierra Robada

I am sorry that you have lost motivation,that is the depression talking.Like most people that have been talk out of their life's purpose and got way laid with family and kids you are depressed.
I am glad you aren't taking medication,cos I know from experience that can make things worse so I am in favor of a non drug approach to depression.

I recommend Mindfulness:

The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness (includes Guided Meditation Practices CD): Amazon.co.uk: Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, Jon Kabat-Zinn: 9781593851286: Books

The Mindful Way Workbook: An 8-Week Program to Free Yourself from Depression and Emotional Distress: Amazon.co.uk: John Teasdale, J. Mark G. Williams, Zindel Segal: 9781462508143: Books

I suggest to you to work through the Mindful way workbook 8 week course, with the goal of eventually going travelling like you wanted to do before life happened.They say life is what happens whilst you are making other plans, John Lennon said it actually.I think the depression would go away if you did what really makes you happy and always wanted to do and in your case that is travelling.Whatever the obstacles,overcome them and do it!:DNikitax
Hello Nikita, thank you for the reply.

It's always been a strong choice of mine to avoid medication the best I can, simply because of some horrors stories I've read and heard. Also thank you for the link, I'll be checking that out for sure. Any suggestions are greatly received.

Travelling has and always will be my goal. I'm trying to make that my focus and sometimes it helps, it's the dark days that take their toll. I'm glad I found this place though, reading through others stories and suggestions has helped for sure so thanks again! :)
 
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