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How F##### Am I,

F

F#cKItA11

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Apr 5, 2015
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Hi, this is my first time using this kind of platform but instead of saying something like "please be gentle " I would much rather a please be brutally honest. I would really appreciate feedback. Ok, here goes......

I'm a 30 year old guy and I have 2 dons aged 10 and 8, about 3 years ago I discovered my youngest son was not biologically mine and since opened a shit storm in which I no longer see either of my kids ( my ex gave me the decision of seeing 1 or none) I am fighting this.

I have suffered from bouts of depresion for 12 years and over the last 2years this has become worse, on top of this my GF is 7 months pregnant. Over the last 24/30 months I have hidden my issues with a changing pattern in the way of 1st Cannabis, 2nd prescription drugs (opiates) and now alcohol. I want to get myself healthy mentally but don't know how or where to start. I am pushing my GF away and I am satisfied in the knowledge that I would happily EML, which I know may sound morbid but........

That's a weight off my chest, if there are any ideas I would appreciate it.
 

MarlieeB

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:welcome: to the forum.

You brought up the youngest since birth, as your son and you even said on here that he is your son, you are the only Dad he has ever known (please correct me if I'm wrong) why wouldn't you want to see him. It is really unfair for your ex to do that to you, well done for fighting it. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

For the sake of your sons and your unborn child you really need to try and sort yourself out, maybe try and see a addiction counseller and then someone to talk to about your depression. Ok, Alcohol is less evil than the drugs but still so, so damaging.

Take care

Marliee x
 
blueflames

blueflames

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You need to get drug and alcohol counselling. Ask your Doctor, they will know the organisations in your area. Addiction is a mental illness in itself imo. Also, people who suffer from MI (like depression) often self-medicate to feel better, so I do understand. You need help, you obviously can't do it alone.

Maybe write your GF a letter telling her all your troubles and hope she feels compassionate enough to support you. I guess if you are working to sort it out, she will be.

If you want brutal then...pull your fucking socks up and sort yourself out, you have a baby on the way mate!! but I am guessing that doesn't help at all, as if it was that easy you'd have done it by now.
 
F

F#cKItA11

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Apr 5, 2015
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Thanks to both of you. Firstly, to me he will always be my son, both of my boys are and alaways will be my kids. I will fight till for them my last breath, but recently ( the last year, 2 years tbh) I feel like I'm drowning. I could pretend that things will work out but more recently I can't pretend this.

I did ask got brutal honesty and I DO honestly try to pull my socks up and get on with it but there are days where....... You know?

My GF is very understanding which makes things 100 times worse when I take things out on her without realising before its too late.
 
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MarlieeB

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First of all I wish I could read about more fathers who love like you do no matter what :hug1:

Please go and seek help for your addictions. Do you think you have a addictive personality?

X
 
F

F#cKItA11

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And I would like to add this is the 1st time I have ever ( except to myself) admitted that I may have an addiction problem. Sounds cliche but moving from 1 thing to the next to block the pain, I suppose!
 

MarlieeB

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And I would like to add this is the 1st time I have ever ( except to myself) admitted that I may have an addiction problem. Sounds cliche but moving from 1 thing to the next to block the pain, I suppose!
That is a big thing, well done :) x
 
F

F#cKItA11

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I honestly don't understand anyone who wouldn't do anything for their child (woman or man) which makes me a bit of a hypocrite cos I could see a future for my kids (all 3) being happy without me.

And until recently No, I've not had an addictive personality, only when it clicked that these things block things out did I continue this behaviour. I know it's pathetic and know I have 2 choices. Find a way to grow a pair and step up or, check out of this place.
 
F

F#cKItA11

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Without asking for negative reinforcement, does anyone have a suggestion for "mental blocking aids" anything to make me forget everything for a time, preferably without the use of drugs and/or alcohol.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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There isn't really anything.

Do you want to forget it, or figure stuff out and work through it?

Forgetting it can happen - via the ways you've said or sheer will power, or strong enough antidepressants, but eventually stuff will come back and bite you on the ass at some point. It's like trying shove stuff into a box and sit on the lid to keep it all in........it'll pop out somehow, somewhere, at some point.

OR, you can go to the gp (if you want meds) or you can look into counselling or some other therapy to talk stuff through and figure out what's going on and ways to cope with it. It doesn't necessarily have to be via a gp - charities can offer low-cost counselling, and it's also available privately (but is expensive). The advantage of the NHS is that its free, but there's often a really long waiting list, and they generally like you to have have to have tried antidepressants first.

Option2 - the 'talking about it' one is potentially the hardest, but also potentially the most worthwhile. Depends what you're up for really.
 
F

F#cKItA11

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Apr 5, 2015
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It's difficult to answer as there's 2 sides to the coin, if I can explain. I would like to, in the long run, somehow deal with things, I've been referred to a psychiatrist who I honestly can't afford to go to, so I end up making an excuse when at my GP to get prescriptions which I OD on without danger of death, just enough to subside to mental pain for a day or few hours. I have talked about it all but I've realised as long as my kids are happy (as far as I know at least) then there's nothing to talk about really.

The other side is, times where I feel like I've gave up, and give myself a time limit if you like, to snap out of it which is getting very shorter recently. Know it's going to go 1 of 2 ways when the newborn is here, will be overjoyed or overwhelmed with guilt, although I know it was my exes doing, It's too much for any person to handle, I think anyway.
 
D

Disenchanted

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Apr 3, 2015
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(Firstly, I love your username and can empathise with that sentiment at the moment.)

My situation is very different to yours, but in some ways is similar: I also feel like I need to 'start again' in terms of getting mentally well and am intimidated/confused about where to start; I have also found myself trying to distract myself (diazepam and gambling are two of mine) from the mental anguish I'm enduring and only made things worse.

It sounds like you've been through a LOT for someone who is still young. There's probably a lot of residual resentment, guilt and anxiety about the way the last few years have gone, particularly in terms of the situation with your ex. I think it'd definitely be helpful to talk through that with a professional, if not not now, in the future.

You're at a crossroads right now. With a couple of months until the baby is born, maybe you should just give something new a go? This is slightly hypocritical of me to say right now, but you could try a self-help book? The one that has by far made the biggest positive impact with me (I foolishly stopped reading it, practicing the exercises and have to pretty much start again) is Russ Harris' The Happiness Trap. It's somewhat of a no BS approach to things (particularly when it comes to negative thought patterns) that could be just what you need. Maybe worth a try.

I hope things get better for you.
 
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