How easy is it for you to make friends.....

[Fedup]

......... since your illness started ?

I ask because even before my illness i was really choosy but now i just don't seem to be able to conect with anyone on a true friendship.

Yes i have friends, cyber friends etc and i know a few people out and about too.

What i'm asking here is true friends .

 

[Dollit]

I find it really difficult Fedup. I don't seem to have the stamina to pursue friendships or the skills for that matter. I'm really low on emotional intelligence as well so I don't get cues. I made a surprising friendship this past year which is strong and will last a long time but that's the exception not the rule. A lot of friends have actually just abandoned me over the years. The last one was about 18 months ago and we'd been friends for 11 years and then one day she just stopped talking to me and I don't know why. I guess some people find it hard to be friends as much as I find it hard to make friends. I find it easier to make friends of blokes rather than women which is nice when it comes to hugs. I wish I could be more sociable. On the other hand I do have some long term friendships (17 years, 33 years & 37 years) but they're all miles away - 2 in the North and one in the States - maybe that's why they've lasted so long.

 

[daffy]

I dont have many friends now. With not going out at night my friends finally gave up asking me. I do have a couple of friends that come round and a good friend i made thru the hospital that has been a godsend to talk to.

My longest friendship is almost 40 years now. We met as teenagers and have been thru lifes problems together, but like dollit unfortunatly we dont live very close so most of our contact is by phne and e mail

 

[sandybob]

i don't make friends very easily .. i'm too guarded

 

[bi-po]

I was talking to my Doctor today, it was only my second session and he asked me the same question, how many friends do i have? and how do i find making friends.........i have my wife, my two kids, and that is it! i sat there and realised i dont have any.....strange that it does not bother me, should it bother me??? and should it bother me that i could not careless one way or the other......ah well.....

 

[irishmam]

I too got asked by my GP how many friends I have and I could not think of many! She says that I am providing my son who is 4 a very full life but I have nothing outside the family, which I found upsetting but thinking deeply about it I realised that she is actually right.

I find it very hard to make friends because of my anxiety and have days where I just want to shut the world out and stay in bed!

X

 

[Bluemoon]

Breaking the ice is the hard part I find, it's all so hit and miss. Sometimes I get talking to decent people who are honest, friendly and just plain nice - the rest of the time I meet some real nasties who, since they already have their little group of mates, are rude and obnoxious to me . I guess it's like a sivving process, you need to get rid of all the muck before you find the gold . Ok, maybe that was a little harsh because I know there are plenty of nice people out there, it's just that the nasty ones seem to stand out more to me - for some reason.

I find that having a mental illness has made socialising much harder because you get asked certain questions about work, girlfriends and if you have your own place etc and that makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I found some people to be very accepting yet others seemed to pry a bit more, as to why I don't work full-time - or get paid, why I don't have a girlfriend and still live at home. I was discussing this with someone I trusted a couple of weeks ago. I told him that I just work one day a week and I had to exagerate that it was because I have a sleeping disorder. When I got introduced to someone and she asked me what I did for a living and then I told her, this "friend" blurted out, "yeah, one day a week !" - ok, so he was probably being sarcastic but it was not the time since I'd just met this woman - it took the smile of her face anyway.

 

[Dollit]

I'm just straight up front and say I'm medically retired and if they ask why I just tell them it's too short a life for such a long story. I tell them about my voluntary work and my committee stuff which takes up a lot less time than you would think. And then I change the subject - anything else is just plain nosiness when you've just met someone!

 

[Bluemoon]

I'm just straight up front and say I'm medically retired and if they ask why I just tell them it's too short a life for such a long story. I tell them about my voluntary work and my committee stuff which takes up a lot less time than you would think. And then I change the subject - anything else is just plain nosiness when you've just met someone!

I guess so, but I got the feeling she was just trying to be sociable in her case. However, when the prying starts about how much my wages are I just tell the questioner that I prefer not to say/ I don't talk about that - now that is very nosey - I would never ask such a question, why do they need to know that anyway ?
I think some people just like to benchmark themselves with others I suppose.

Now I need .

 

[Dollit]

Just tell them what I tell them, my vulgarity doesn't extend to talking about my finances!

 

[nickh]

Friends

Over the past 20 years or so I have lost nearly all my real-life friends. But I would question the bit about on-line friends not being 'real'. I have met people on-line (and not in Mental Health forums, just reading and discussion groups) with whom I am more honest and open than I ever was with 'real-life' friends. These are people who I would never have met if it had not been for depression (as I would never have been on the lists) so in that way I can spin a positive as well.

It is all part of the process of rethinking what things mean.

 

[Bluemoon]

Just tell them what I tell them, my vulgarity doesn't extend to talking about my finances!

Well one time I was chatting over MS Messenger with someone I used to know at school and it was a Friday night. He asked me if I was off out anywhere and I said that I was staying in and at least I would save some cash that way, he then asked me if I needed the money - this was the same person who asked me what my wages were, what cheek.

 

[Bluemoon]

Over the past 20 years or so I have lost nearly all my real-life friends. But I would question the bit about on-line friends not being 'real'. I have met people on-line (and not in Mental Health forums, just reading and discussion groups) with whom I am more honest and open than I ever was with 'real-life' friends. These are people who I would never have met if it had not been for depression (as I would never have been on the lists) so in that way I can spin a positive as well.

It is all part of the process of rethinking what things mean.

I've been using various forums for the past several years now, but I've never met any of the posters off-line - yet. I should post most topics as I usually find myself reading and responding to other peoples' topics. The topics I create are usually ones that I think of spontaneously or something ( like a documentary on TV ) will give me something to discuss. But I don't get that too often.

 

[Ashami]

I have found that having depression etc. makes you very unpopular with those 'normal' folk, and friends / family drift away when the going gets tough.

"Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone"

To me it's like when you lose a loved one and are grieving, people will cross the road to avoid you.

It all makes them feel uncomfortable and afraid, as if somehow the pain & grief will rub off on them.

However, I have found that although I have a lot less friends & family than I used to, I know the ones who have stuck around really care.

Better to have one friend who cares than a whole army of fairweather friends who don't.

I have also found that being mentally vulnerable also makes you a target for narcissists, bullies and the like.

 

[Rorschach]

Apart from my wife, my 3 kids are my best friends. Job done