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How do you tell healthy relationships from dependence?

  • Thread starter SchizoaffectiveCat
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SchizoaffectiveCat

SchizoaffectiveCat

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Hi, I have been recently diagnosed with dependent pd and that made me question my relationships. I know I am probably too dependent on several people in my life. But, often, I can't really tell weather or not a relationship, especially a new one, is healthy. I find It very hard to set boundaries, and when I realize people are already over me. So, how do you set your boundaries? How do know you are getting dependent on someone?
 
T E_90

T E_90

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First time I hear about this disorder and so I don't know enough.
But I honestly recommend that you don't pay too much attention to certain diagnoses given by psychiatrists, sometimes they do nothing but giving a diagnosis for things that, otherwise, would be quite normal, part of the person's character and life situations. Today they have a diagnosis for pretty much everything.

In my opinion it's all a matter of self-esteem, of insecurities.
You should look for ways to be self-sufficient, to regain confidence and raise your self-esteem. Understand that you could do what you want, even without always asking others.
you have a relationship, you are happy and see that is going well, so honestly, who give f*? Enjoy it.
If you start overthinking too much over it, you'll see things that don't even exist.

If you have a new job now, and you say you're doing fine, I would try focus on that and leave aside other people.
Over time, the boundaries will come by themselves, without you concentrate about them.

Ps. Careful not to concentrate too much on yourself, ending up getting paranoid.
Good luck.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I think my partner has some traits of this disorder. She didn't used to, though she's never been the most self confident person. She went through several years in a toxic workplace and sustained covert and insidious abuse from her narcissist ex-boss.

He gaslighted her and made her doubt everything she did and thought. She hasn't worked there for almost 2 years, but still is "dependent". She has me check every email she sends as for some reason she doesn't feel confident and doesn't trust that they're ok. She always asks me what she should wear. I don't care! Whatever she feels like! She doesn't like doing new things anymore, particular related to technology and has me help her, even if I've never done whatever it is either. Ugh.

Anyway...she doesn't have issues with boundaries though. She just really lacks confidence and "depends" on me a LOT. (we've also been together for 20 years, and I'm 43 and she's 59, so that may be why she doesn't over-question or cling too much to the actual relationship as such. We're settled. Her dependency is more task oriented.)
 
SchizoaffectiveCat

SchizoaffectiveCat

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First time I hear about this disorder and so I don't know enough.
But I honestly recommend that you don't pay too much attention to certain diagnoses given by psychiatrists, sometimes they do nothing but giving a diagnosis for things that, otherwise, would be quite normal, part of the person's character and life situations. Today they have a diagnosis for pretty much everything.

In my opinion it's all a matter of self-esteem, of insecurities.
You should look for ways to be self-sufficient, to regain confidence and raise your self-esteem. Understand that you could do what you want, even without always asking others.
you have a relationship, you are happy and see that is going well, so honestly, who give f*? Enjoy it.
If you start overthinking too much over it, you'll see things that don't even exist.

If you have a new job now, and you say you're doing fine, I would try focus on that and leave aside other people.
Over time, the boundaries will come by themselves, without you concentrate about them.

Ps. Careful not to concentrate too much on yourself, ending up getting paranoid.
Good luck.
Got It. You're probably right, I guess self esteem is indeed a problem, I wish I had more of that. I am trying to be more self sufficient, but that is also hard, sometimes. Even though I do have a job, I'm still a bit scared of being more independent. And yes, my current relationship is exactly what I had in mind when I asked that question XD.

But yeah, personality disorders are pretty much that, personal carachteristics that, together, are not a good combination. They arent rly illnesses and I am not worried about my health, in that sense. I was just reflexive, that is all. Thank you for your concern.
 
SchizoaffectiveCat

SchizoaffectiveCat

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São Paulo/SP
I think my partner has some traits of this disorder. She didn't used to, though she's never been the most self confident person. She went through several years in a toxic workplace and sustained covert and insidious abuse from her narcissist ex-boss.

He gaslighted her and made her doubt everything she did and thought. She hasn't worked there for almost 2 years, but still is "dependent". She has me check every email she sends as for some reason she doesn't feel confident and doesn't trust that they're ok. She always asks me what she should wear. I don't care! Whatever she feels like! She doesn't like doing new things anymore, particular related to technology and has me help her, even if I've never done whatever it is either. Ugh.

Anyway...she doesn't have issues with boundaries though. She just really lacks confidence and "depends" on me a LOT. (we've also been together for 20 years, and I'm 43 and she's 59, so that may be why she doesn't over-question or cling too much to the actual relationship as such. We're settled. Her dependency is more task oriented.)
Yeah, I used to be very much like that with my mother, actually. Not diagnosing your gf, just pointing out a similarity. Task oriented dependence is rly common in this pd.
 
S

Siegfried

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If you're consistently falling into emotional dependency in your relationships then that likely means there's something not working properly in your life, something is lacking within yourself that you're trying to fill through others. Of course ideally the solution would be discovering what that is and finding a way to correct it but that's a whole lot easier said than done.

So I think a key element with this is trying to have as many, smaller pillars supporting your life as you can instead trying to find a single, larger one.

That way even if you have significant emotional needs you can try to fulfill them without falling into the trappings of emotional dependency, with all the problems that usually brings.

It also often helps to make for more long lasting relationships since you're not focusing all of you needs (attention, support, encouragement, et cetera) on a single or a few people, which often leads to them growing tired of you over time.

So its usually a good idea to just assign a bit of a role for each person in your life and try to not go over there. For example, if X person is someone you find fun to hang around with then just keep it at that, don't try to grow the relationship into anything bigger or deeper and that way you're more likely to keep that person around while you try to find others to fill those other roles.
 
SchizoaffectiveCat

SchizoaffectiveCat

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Messages
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Location
São Paulo/SP
If you're consistently falling into emotional dependency in your relationships then that likely means there's something not working properly in your life, something is lacking within yourself that you're trying to fill through others. Of course ideally the solution would be discovering what that is and finding a way to correct it but that's a whole lot easier said than done.

So I think a key element with this is trying to have as many, smaller pillars supporting your life as you can instead trying to find a single, larger one.

That way even if you have significant emotional needs you can try to fulfill them without falling into the trappings of emotional dependency, with all the problems that usually brings.

It also often helps to make for more long lasting relationships since you're not focusing all of you needs (attention, support, encouragement, et cetera) on a single or a few people, which often leads to them growing tired of you over time.

So its usually a good idea to just assign a bit of a role for each person in your life and try to not go over there. For example, if X person is someone you find fun to hang around with then just keep it at that, don't try to grow the relationship into anything bigger or deeper and that way you're more likely to keep that person around while you try to find others to fill those other roles.
That's deep. Thank you, @Siegfried
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Yeah, I used to be very much like that with my mother, actually. Not diagnosing your gf, just pointing out a similarity. Task oriented dependence is rly common in this pd.
Ahh, that's interesting to know! Thank you! I honestly don't know if she actually has this disorder or if it's just very similar traits and behaviour caused by PTSD and residual high anxiety.
 

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