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How do you get over someone?

In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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I feel so pathetic for this, but he was my first and only boyfriend, and we'd been together 4 and a half years and I've had feelings for him since I was 14. I literally have no idea what to do.

I can't eat, my stomach is in so much pain, my face is so sore and I can't stop crying. I just can't find anything to occupy my mind or distract me for more than 30 seconds. I've always had at least someone to talk to and to help me through things, I have no idea how to get through this without him.

The plan is that we're not going to talk to each other for 3 months so we can get over each other. And today was so hard I don't even want to think about getting through the next few months. Everything reminds me of him, I have no idea what to do. I don't want to do anything, I can't concentrate on things, and I have no one to talk to to help me like he does.

I've never felt so hopeless, lost and lonely. Which is so pathetic because I've been through worse. All I want is to have him back.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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i feel exactly the same as you clouds xx i broke up with my bf about 3 months ago ,it was only online but i adored him
i cant stop thinking about him and wished he still loved me we were together for 3 years
im sorry you are finding hard to move on but know you are not alone , 4 years together is along time
it will get better i promise -it has to for both of us! love from fairy lu xx
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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I just hate how much I need him. I have 3 pieces of coursework to hand in over the next two weeks and I have no idea how I'm going to do it. I want to just go to his, cry on his shoulder and leave without saying anything.

We ended on really good terms and he told me to tell him if things got really bad but I can't forget that he doesn't want me, and that he wants to get over me. I want to fight for him I don't know how to cope.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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i think we are going to have to try and get through this together xx :hug:
i know EXACTLY how you feel and can empathise so much ,i want him back so badly and i need him so much ,i hate that he has moved on and i dread him getting another girlfriend
just take one day at a time and as for your work ,i know its really hard but try to focus on getting that done because in a few years time when you have a wonderful new boyfriend you want your degree too ,love from fairy lu xx
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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So sorry you're going through this. I'm in pretty much the same boat. I find trying to get off to sleep the worst time. I can just about fight off thinking about him during the day when I'm busy, but when I'm trying to sleep (and that's difficult for me) his image comes to mind and I can't help wondering how he is and where he is. Sometimes I worry that he isn't coping well without me (he had lots of MH issues) and sometimes I imagine him cosying up to a new woman and my concern turns to resentment.

It does get better in time, I'm sure. Fairy Lu's right - you are not pathetic at all. Virtually all of us go through this at some time in our lives. It sucks, but it doesn't reflect on you and it doesn't define who you are. You are so much more than just your 'relationship status'. Maybe you need to focus on all those other aspects of your life that make you uniquely yourself, like your studying, appreciate the good you got from being in a relationship with your ex but accept you need to move on - and there will be other relationships in the future and they might be just as good, if not better :) :hug:
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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He broke up with me because he felt he wanted to be all on his own. He didn't want to have to depend on anyone or have anyone depend on him. I assumed he wanted to live the single uni life, and he said that's not the reason but he's unsure if he does want that.

He said there's a chance he'll realise he's stupid and want me back but I doubt it. He said for about a month he's been unsure if he loves me and so it's unfair to stay with me. He's taking me for dinner in 3 months and he's going to tell me everything that's happened since and tell me whether he's happier single or whether he wants to start up again. He said he can't imagine a future with anyone else and said even to him it doesn't make sense but he feels he has to try being on his own and maybe see other people.

I just don't know what to do, he's my everything. I really want something to make it easier. I want to fight for him, and I have no idea how to go three months with no communication.
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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I think I've decided I'm going to ask him at the end of next week if we can meet for a quick chat to close off those loose ends he left me with. And then I can also give him his Xmas present. He wants to stay friends so.

Although I so badly want to give him a counter offer.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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I think I've decided I'm going to ask him at the end of next week if we can meet for a quick chat to close off those loose ends he left me with. And then I can also give him his Xmas present. He wants to stay friends so.

Although I so badly want to give him a counter offer.
My advice - a clean cut will heal quicker

It hurts like hell when you break up.

Its SUPPOSED to hurt.

People are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Your guy was there for a reason and a season, like most folk.

The only people immune to heartache are psychopaths.

Please consider honoring your exes wishes and do not contact him. He wants a clean break and any attempt to contact him may end in more tears.

I just got cheated on for the first ever time in my life (I'm 50) and yeah, it hurt.

But fast forward 2 weeks and I'm thinking about a new guy I met...

My therapist would be thrilled as its a sign Im Finally Thinking About A Future

And that future will have ME as the All Star Main Act

Other players will come and go

But I have to build the performance of my life around MYSELF

No one else will or can do it for me

Also I am a huge believer in the old adage

"if you love them, set them free"

It truly is the only way forward

hugs for you

you are not alone

I hope something in this helps

BDU
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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But he's left it so open ended, he wants me but feels it's unfair. Surely I deserve to not be waiting around?

Either way I'm so confused and just wish I didn't exist. I've never known how to deal with anything, and the one person who was there for me to help me no longer is. I don't know how to get through this.
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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I don't think I'm strong enough to cope without him.
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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To be perfectly frank Clouds, from what you've said in your last post I think this guy is stringing you along emotionally in a way that's unfair.

He broke up with me because he felt he wanted to be all on his own. He didn't want to have to depend on anyone or have anyone depend on him.
Hmmm, fair enough, I guess. He may have lots of other pressures on him. If he's genuinely not capable of being in a serious long-term relationship, it's better to be honest about it.

He said there's a chance he'll realise he's stupid and want me back but I doubt it. He said for about a month he's been unsure if he loves me and so it's unfair to stay with me.
Yep, it's good that he's honest about being unsure but wait...'there's a chance'...is just dangling a carrot, keeping you hooked, just in case it doesn't work out for him. It's selfish. Can't you see that?

He's taking me for dinner in 3 months and he's going to tell me everything that's happened since and tell me whether he's happier single or whether he wants to start up again.
Well bully for him! Dinner in three months? To talk about himself? And the decision about whether your relationship might start up again is all down to him?

He said he can't imagine a future with anyone else and said even to him it doesn't make sense but he feels he has to try being on his own and maybe see other people.
Classic. What he is saying here is he thinks he could possibly find someone better than you. He wants to try playing the field for a while but just in case nothing much comes of that, he'd like you to be hanging on in there, in the background, just to fall back on if he hits a dry spell.

I'm sorry Clouds, I know you don't want to consider my negative, cynical take on the situation but I'm saying this out of concern for you. I don't want you to be hurt any more and I don't want you to end up simply being used. You need to be more assertive about what you need and what you want. Don't play this on the back foot. Take control. Please, just consider the possibility that my interpretation of the situation might be true. I could be completely wrong, but if you can begin to imagine that scenario, it should empower you.

It could just be that you and he have totally different goals in life - in which case, he's not the right long-term partner for you, is he?
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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But he's left it so open ended, he wants me but feels it's unfair. Surely I deserve to not be waiting around?

Either way I'm so confused and just wish I didn't exist. I've never known how to deal with anything, and the one person who was there for me to help me no longer is. I don't know how to get through this.
Take your power back

Cut it off yourself

my advice ONLY!! But here's my latest sorry tale

The guy who cheated on me tried to suck back in the weekend

Now he may as well be a turd on my floor

black and white thinking works for me at times! :D

I can literally just shut off on someone - they never know - or maybe they sense I've changed and cant quite put their finger on it - but I can literally switch from Love to Utterly Irrelevant in half an hour if they treat me bad

It sounds harsh but its Self Protection

I grew up Powerless it was the Only Power I Had

I don't mean yell at him berate him or ignore him either - I mean reach inside yourself to that Girl who is saying "how dare he treat me this way" and use that to go neutral on him

It takes practice

But you can do it

The Breach of Trust would be enough for me to be able to blue line the guy

Like I did my ex

I saw him last weekend and was all "what the HELL was I thinking getting involved with such a douchebag in the first place"

He hurt me quite badly as I find it so hard to trust and he knew that

But that in itself is enough to kill whatever affection I carried

I still spoke to him, etc which possibly gave him false hope

But its just my Therapist's effect

Previously I would've dumped a drink on his head or something outrageous to express my disgust at his behavior

Now Im all

Meh....:rolleyes:

I know it hurts but you can do it...take charge I mean...we don't NEED anyone to prop us up except maybe a good therapist or GP.

Good luck I am right there with you x

Set him free and you will set YOURSELF free also.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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To be perfectly frank Clouds, from what you've said in your last post I think this guy is stringing you along emotionally in a way that's unfair.



Hmmm, fair enough, I guess. He may have lots of other pressures on him. If he's genuinely not capable of being in a serious long-term relationship, it's better to be honest about it.



Yep, it's good that he's honest about being unsure but wait...'there's a chance'...is just dangling a carrot, keeping you hooked, just in case it doesn't work out for him. It's selfish. Can't you see that?



Well bully for him! Dinner in three months? To talk about himself? And the decision about whether your relationship might start up again is all down to him?



Classic. What he is saying here is he thinks he could possibly find someone better than you. He wants to try playing the field for a while but just in case nothing much comes of that, he'd like you to be hanging on in there, in the background, just to fall back on if he hits a dry spell.

I'm sorry Clouds, I know you don't want to consider my negative, cynical take on the situation but I'm saying this out of concern for you. I don't want you to be hurt any more and I don't want you to end up simply being used. You need to be more assertive about what you need and what you want. Don't play this on the back foot. Take control. Please, just consider the possibility that my interpretation of the situation might be true. I could be completely wrong, but if you can begin to imagine that scenario, it should empower you.

It could just be that you and he have totally different goals in life - in which case, he's not the right long-term partner for you, is he?
ITA.

Clouds people with MH issues can sometimes be very vulnerable.

See: me and the Cheater

I would never normally have given him time of day
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
1,892
Location
England
To be perfectly frank Clouds, from what you've said in your last post I think this guy is stringing you along emotionally in a way that's unfair.



Hmmm, fair enough, I guess. He may have lots of other pressures on him. If he's genuinely not capable of being in a serious long-term relationship, it's better to be honest about it.



Yep, it's good that he's honest about being unsure but wait...'there's a chance'...is just dangling a carrot, keeping you hooked, just in case it doesn't work out for him. It's selfish. Can't you see that?



Well bully for him! Dinner in three months? To talk about himself? And the decision about whether your relationship might start up again is all down to him?



Classic. What he is saying here is he thinks he could possibly find someone better than you. He wants to try playing the field for a while but just in case nothing much comes of that, he'd like you to be hanging on in there, in the background, just to fall back on if he hits a dry spell.

I'm sorry Clouds, I know you don't want to consider my negative, cynical take on the situation but I'm saying this out of concern for you. I don't want you to be hurt any more and I don't want you to end up simply being used. You need to be more assertive about what you need and what you want. Don't play this on the back foot. Take control. Please, just consider the possibility that my interpretation of the situation might be true. I could be completely wrong, but if you can begin to imagine that scenario, it should empower you.

It could just be that you and he have totally different goals in life - in which case, he's not the right long-term partner for you, is he?
You can think I'm naive and stupid, but the only reason he eventually said these things (we talked for 2 hours with the both of us breaking down many times) was because I wanted him to be completely honest with me. He said many times he doesn't expect me to wait nor does he want me to because that's not fair, and that he doesn't understand why he feels that way and he just wants to do things alone, such as long walks by himself etc. It is a break up, but I asked him what he wanted in an ideal world in the hope (stupidly) that I'd be able to give it to him, and he said that he wants a break but as he's unsure on many things, it's unfair to string me along and that's why he had to break up with me.

He's taking me out to dinner I guess in an attempt to repay me some. It's only me who has MH symptoms and that's one thing he was worried about. He told me that no matter what he wants me to be happy and that if I need him then he wants me to go to him, he was scared I'd suffer on my own if things got bad. And that he hates the fact that he's hurting me, and is confused as to why he's hurting himself as well but feels it's what he has to do.

I'm sorry that didn't mean to seem bitchy or defensive, my head's a mess. And I am young so I may be being stupid, I don't know, I don't care. I just want to be happy.
 
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