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how do you forgive people?

S

Soren

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Joined
Aug 16, 2009
Messages
91
Location
uk
i really desperately want to kill myself again. i can't think about anything else. except of course all the reasons why i want to kill myself.

like how i've been bullied, humiliated, ridiculed and cheated by the most repulsive sickening bunch of bastards you could possibly meet.

i really find it hard to believe what people are capable of. some of these people are my family, some i thought were my friends.

and yet throughout the whole thing, somehow its all my fault!!! i can't help feeling i've brought it on myself, and i can't just reject that emotion because its so strong. what if it really is my fault? how would i know?

i don't want to be so bitter. i wish i could forgive people, but i genuinely don't understand what that word really means. when i think of the sheer evil, i just don't know what it would entail to forgive that.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Soren,

I'm sorry you feel so low. I have been in a similar situation myself many times.

i really desperately want to kill myself again. i can't think about anything else. except of course all the reasons why i want to kill myself.
I don't know about you but I get caught up in a thought spiral and once those thoughts and memories start going round and round they escalate to an urge to commit suicide. The only thing that gets me through it is knowing that quite possibly tomorrow my emotions about it won't be as intense as they are now and I might be in more of a reasonable state of mind. Yes it comes back at times, but i'm getting better at spotting the thought spiral. I also try to practice mindfulness which is about being in the moment as the belief is that most of human misery is caused by dwelling on the past or fearing the future, rarely about the moment we are in.

like how i've been bullied, humiliated, ridiculed and cheated by the most repulsive sickening bunch of bastards you could possibly meet.
i really find it hard to believe what people are capable of. some of these people are my family, some i thought were my friends.
I can understand that it sounds like you have been through a lot of suffering and in part because of those that were supposed to care about you. I've had similiar experiences, it is devastating when it happens.

and yet throughout the whole thing, somehow its all my fault!!! i can't help feeling i've brought it on myself, and i can't just reject that emotion because its so strong. what if it really is my fault? how would i know?
Well I don't know the details but I would say that bullying, humiliating, ridiculing and cheating is not something anyone deserves, especially from friends and family. I would start with that.

i don't want to be so bitter. i wish i could forgive people, but i genuinely don't understand what that word really means. when i think of the sheer evil, i just don't know what it would entail to forgive that.
Forgiveness? Well that is a tricky one.
You see I'm not sure if forgiveness is always possible in some circumstances or at certain times.
I have only just been able to learn to forgive in the last year, for stuff that occured over 15 years ago. I did it because not forgiving was eating me up with these very thoughts. BUT I will not forget, and I still don't condone what they did and forgiveness doesn't have to mean being in contact with them.
I guess what has helped me is time and acceptance, acceptance of what happened and no longer dwelling on the ifs and buts etc. In doing so I was then able to start healing and recovering. There are times I think about it still but usually not to the point where I harm myself.

Please keep yourself safe this evening.
 
S

Soren

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 16, 2009
Messages
91
Location
uk
thank you Sapphire for your very kind and wise reply. every word makes sense to me, especially the spiral of intensifying thoughts you talked about.

unfortunately, i (verbally) lashed out at someone (family) yesterday and it wasn't completely justified (or completely unjustified to be fair). its not something i do as a rule - i'm not aggressive - but the intensity of bitterness was just too great to hold back.

anyway, this situation might mean that i'll have to change my current living arrangements, so if i don't post on here anymore, that'll be why. the last straw etc.

but thank you so much for replying. it means an enormous amount to me. soren.
 
X

xxxmetal-chickxxx

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
165
Location
Bulford England
:hug: forgiveness is hard to do espec when its hurt you sooo bad. you dont deserve to be treated the way you have been by the sound of it.. the bullying the cheating everything has to do with the other people. The bullying is Their fault. they shouldnt be doing it. I know what its like. my family didnt help at all. they made it worse. Killing yourself isnt the best of ways beleive me. i understand. ive been at that point where all i think about is suicide. i mean not this time round but the last time.

I started me life all over again. i moved out of the pain and misery and started a new fresh as a daisy life. it lasted .... but its back again.
 
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