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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

How do you experience your BPD?

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lovetta_rose

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Reading, England
Mine is always there but it's kind of calm.

When I experience an emotion other than numbness it is super intense and overwhelming. Anger, happiness, etc. The anger can be very consuming and it just takes over my person, I want to smash glass bottles and punch through walls. I don't though.

I have always struggled with my sense of self, in terms of my identity and who I am as a person, some days I just have no idea.

I have found it very hard with relationships - I always seem to befriend the wrong kind of people who just cause drama and make me hate myself. My relationship with my family is definitely unstable. Not all my fault tho😅

Most of the time I feel empty and numb. And then, whoosh, intense emotion, panic attack or teary breakdown.

I am very impulsive. Although my depression is counteracting that because I don't have the energy for it. I do binge eat and pay for everyone's drinks at the pub and maybe spend too much on things I don't need. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes not.

Suicidal feelings pop up every now and then - I just repress them.

Never self harmed luckily - I fear pain a lot.

Anyway, list of 9 main symptoms from Mind charity website below if you need a guideline. Would love to hear some other experiences because BPD be complex.
  • You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
  • You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
  • You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.
  • You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
  • You feel empty a lot of the time.
  • You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
  • You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
  • You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
  • When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,196
Location
US
I experience all but the last one, the paranoia/dissociation. For me, my moods flash all over the place in minutes sometimes. I get angry quickly, depressed hardcore, can't get out of bed sometimes, SH has been at bay for about 1.5 yrs but mostly b/c I haven't had any relationships, I think. Those trigger me. Fall in love hard, hurt harder. Also have had a lot of bad partners who bring out the worst drama. And the sense of self is the one that gets me b/c it invades every aspect of life. Don't know who I want to be with, how I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do, etc. It's gotten a bit better w age, although I still crash and burn, but at least as you get older there's less competition and fewer judges, I think. Thanks for sharing. Welcome to the group!
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
1,236
Location
California
Hi,

I have very intense and overwhelming emotions. I am usually able to hold them in and not lose control verbally.

I have broken things and punched a hole in a wall, cracked walls but that was a long time ago. Even then, my intention was not to hit through the wall or hit anything hard enough to crack the dry wall. One thing I remember destroying was a laptop, and feeling really bad after because it was a gift and I wanted it. It was just there in reach when I wasn't feeling well. I haven't done any of this in many years.

I dissociate and have suicidal feelings, feelings more than thoughts. I think there's a distinction. In spite of trying, I don't have a strong sense of who I am.
Sometimes I feel missing or empty and confused. I have persistent feelings of not belonging. Outsider. I often feel like I've done something wrong.

I overspend a lot, especially when feeling sad. Usually it is on gifts.

Feelings regardless of the emotion are intense. These can feel good.
I don't drive dangerously, but I ride with other drivers, knowing what speeds they will hit and under what conditions. I do this less now, but I have still entered knowing it's not the best choice.

I no longer self harm, but I sometimes have new ways that are subtle but I know even if not being honest with myself.

I am often tired and I feel fear a lot. Feel it in my stomach, very unsettling.

A lot of effort is given to look calm and adjusted and to do the things that I need to do. I wish I could do for my feelings some of what I've done for "image". It would be fair to say a lot of effort is given to be calm. I've accomplished looking calm for now.

That's my goal, work on feelings and thoughts.
 
L

lovetta_rose

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Reading, England
I experience all but the last one, the paranoia/dissociation. For me, my moods flash all over the place in minutes sometimes. I get angry quickly, depressed hardcore, can't get out of bed sometimes, SH has been at bay for about 1.5 yrs but mostly b/c I haven't had any relationships, I think. Those trigger me. Fall in love hard, hurt harder. Also have had a lot of bad partners who bring out the worst drama. And the sense of self is the one that gets me b/c it invades every aspect of life. Don't know who I want to be with, how I want to live, where I want to live, what I want to do, etc. It's gotten a bit better w age, although I still crash and burn, but at least as you get older there's less competition and fewer judges, I think. Thanks for sharing. Welcome to the group!
Yeahh I have experienced dissociation once or twice but not to the point where it is a symptom of my BPD. I don't do "anything" to stop abandonment in some cases like friends and family, but with romantic relationships I do.

Thank you so much for sharing that was really interesting to read. Defo relate to "fall in love hard, hurt harder". Sense of self has been tricky for me too especially in terms of gender, sexuality, ethnicity and religion. The one thing I am sure of is that I have BPD!!!
 
L

lovetta_rose

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Reading, England
@Signofthetimes

"I dissociate and have suicidal feelings, feelings more than thoughts. I think there's a distinction."

Yeah mine are like intrusive feelings, usually I'm like what the heck no go away.

"I overspend a lot, especially when feeling sad. Usually it is on gifts."

Same because at least my destructive behaviour makes others happy xD

" I am often tired and I feel fear a lot. Feel it in my stomach, very unsettling."

Yep, to the point where I've now got IBS! So annoying.

" I've accomplished looking calm for now. "

Me too! I've been told I'm very quiet for someone with BPD. Nah, just oppressed by societal norms!
 
D

Dwight7

Member
Joined
May 9, 2021
Messages
23
Location
TX
“You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.”

This. Really anything to do with relationships, rejection, and intimacy. I expect her to leave at any moment if I say the perceived wrong thing. It sucks and when she leaves that’s when it kicks in real bad
 
L

lovetta_rose

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2021
Messages
75
Location
Reading, England
“You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.”

This. Really anything to do with relationships, rejection, and intimacy. I expect her to leave at any moment if I say the perceived wrong thing. It sucks and when she leaves that’s when it kicks in real bad
I haven't experienced this because I've had so many people abandon me that i'm numb to it...so I let them go then I deal with the depression afterwards and it is never cute...
 
S

sadsad

Member
Joined
May 1, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Lompoc
Wow, OP, I feel that I can relate very much to everything you wrote. I've been managing my BPD successfully now for 2 years but I do still have occasional "episodes" of violent outbursts. Usually just minor things like you said, throwing a glass bottle, or hitting something inanimate. I am usually offset by a loved one only, but then all the little things that ever bothered me before resurface at once.

Quick shifting emotions is actually the only BPD symptom that I can strongly identify with at present.

I live a good life and I'm happy...until I'm not.

I work part time, a couple hours a day, from home, almost NO customer service interaction required. I do send a fair number of professional emails and occasionally communicate with my colleagues via phone. I am so grateful for the flexibility that my job provides, because I have never fared well in a traditional workplace setting. But when I feel low, even this job feels like too much. I doubt my ability to handle it long term.
 
S

sadsad

Member
Joined
May 1, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Lompoc
Wow, OP, I feel that I can relate very much to everything you wrote. I've been managing my BPD successfully now for 2 years but I do still have occasional "episodes" of violent outbursts. Usually just minor things like you said, throwing a glass bottle, or hitting something inanimate. I am usually offset by a loved one only, but then all the little things that ever bothered me before resurface at once.

Quick shifting emotions is actually the only BPD symptom that I can strongly identify with at present.

I live a good life and I'm happy...until I'm not.

I work part time, a couple hours a day, from home, almost NO customer service interaction required. I do send a fair number of professional emails and occasionally communicate with my colleagues via phone. I am so grateful for the flexibility that my job provides, because I have never fared well in a traditional workplace setting. But when I feel low, even this job feels like too much. I doubt my ability to handle it long term.
 
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