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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

How do you deal with the aftermath/knowing this is your life?

Lugnut

Lugnut

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Title probably sounds a bit melodramatic but hey :rolleyes:

I'm just wondering if anyone has kinda been through recovery, fixed bad habits, been through therapy and group, etc etc. I've gotten to a point in my life from my teen years to now (early 20's) where I have been through CBT, DBT, I've been on meds and found one that seems to be alright, I've stopped self-harming, I have given up on suicide and have much less frequent suicidal thoughts, I don't drink anymore, and honestly am the most stable I've been in my life. I've gone from being suicidal every single day, constantly in pain from severe self harm, and multiple suicide attempts each year to being in a stable and loving relationship, renting on my own, I quit my job to focus on myself for a while and am looking for full time work again, and even dug up and worked through past trauma on my own which I think I am doing well with.

However, in all honesty I still have the sensitivity. If something goes wrong or feels like it's gone wrong I feel hurt inside and struggle to cope despite constant skills practice and I get quite bad anxiety until the situation is resolved. I still have days where I am way too sensitive and sometimes suicide does pop into my mind but I am able to shut it down. It still bothers me that I am considered recovered and do not meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD anymore since I was discharged but I still feel like I suffer from it and I am beginning to wonder if this is just what life will be like for me now, if this is as good as it gets.

Does anyone else ever have this feeling? If so, how do you process these feelings? I have tried to use radical acceptance but I feel a bit ripped off to be honest since a lot of people seem to think full recovery is possible, and I am considered recovered, I think I am a lot better than I was and I'm functional but still have these struggles. Many thanks
 
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Butterfly3

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I hate the word recovered because like you, I thought it meant fully better, never struggling again. I’m sorry to say this because it was a heartbreaking realisation for me too, you will never be completely better, BPD is a life long condition, we will never not deal with it. But therapy and medication help the condition and the skills we learn in therapy make the condition sooo much better. I also probably wouldn’t Be diagnosed with BPD now because I am so stable so don’t meet as much of the criteria as I used to but that doesn’t mean we don’t still have it, we will always have it but recovered is having less of it if that makes sense? We use our skills to manage the symptoms and give ourselves the best life possible.

it’s shit and I’m sorry this is something you’re struggling to come to terms with, I struggled too but the way that helped me was thinking about the positives and holding onto that, BPD as shit as it is has made me so so loving and empathetic, it inspired me to want to be a mental health nurse due to my experience, it means that I know so many valuable life skills that a lot of people without the condition I think lack, it’s made me the person I am now and I’m starting to really like her. Those are a few examples of mine, do you have any you can think of? If you need inspiration try looking up “positives of BPD”.

I’m sorry that people Have made it out to you that they think you are completely fine now cause that’s really not what they mean I promise, when I felt like this I was told that people know I’m not 100% normal and I never will be, sometimes I will need to reach out and maybe in my life I might relapse and get bad again, they know you will always struggle with this but for now like you said you are the most stable you have ever been and so they’re focusing on that positive but will be there if you need help.

I hope my post helps you and isnt disheartening, I know it’s so tricky and shit to come to terms with but I’m here if you ever have any questions or need someone to reach out to:hug:
 
Lugnut

Lugnut

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I hate the word recovered because like you, I thought it meant fully better, never struggling again. I’m sorry to say this because it was a heartbreaking realisation for me too, you will never be completely better, BPD is a life long condition, we will never not deal with it. But therapy and medication help the condition and the skills we learn in therapy make the condition sooo much better. I also probably wouldn’t Be diagnosed with BPD now because I am so stable so don’t meet as much of the criteria as I used to but that doesn’t mean we don’t still have it, we will always have it but recovered is having less of it if that makes sense? We use our skills to manage the symptoms and give ourselves the best life possible.

it’s shit and I’m sorry this is something you’re struggling to come to terms with, I struggled too but the way that helped me was thinking about the positives and holding onto that, BPD as shit as it is has made me so so loving and empathetic, it inspired me to want to be a mental health nurse due to my experience, it means that I know so many valuable life skills that a lot of people without the condition I think lack, it’s made me the person I am now and I’m starting to really like her. Those are a few examples of mine, do you have any you can think of? If you need inspiration try looking up “positives of BPD”.

I’m sorry that people Have made it out to you that they think you are completely fine now cause that’s really not what they mean I promise, when I felt like this I was told that people know I’m not 100% normal and I never will be, sometimes I will need to reach out and maybe in my life I might relapse and get bad again, they know you will always struggle with this but for now like you said you are the most stable you have ever been and so they’re focusing on that positive but will be there if you need help.

I hope my post helps you and isnt disheartening, I know it’s so tricky and shit to come to terms with but I’m here if you ever have any questions or need someone to reach out to:hug:
Thanks for your answer - I feared this was the case but in all honesty I felt like it might be too good to be true. I do find it a bit misleading that it's still said to be possible for full recovery though since we were all sold this idea in therapy and I was congratulated when I finished up and no longer met the criteria.

I think that because BPD is a lot of sensitivity, it does make sense that this would never fully be cured because you can't help if you're sensitive to a degree. For example, I am sensitive in pretty much every sense of the word. Physically, and mentally. I can even tickle myself and people tell me it's impossible! And although mentally and physically I have purposely toughened myself up over the years, it does feel a little embarrassing to know that I'm still below average. I don't let it hold me back but it can be disheartening at times.

I think I do have good traits that come from having BPD - like you I am very loving and empathetic but to a fault a lot of the time which is something I'm working on, since it manifests itself as guilt a lot of the time. I also seem to be able to get along with others very easily and it's always made work a lot better, I think that would also stem from the empathy since I genuinely care if a co-worker is struggling and I jump at the chance to help them out if I am able.

Thank you once again though, I know it's impossible that I'd be the only person struggling with this realization but it's hard to find people who can relate because I am cut off from services and I don't have any friends (although my boyfriend is very supportive of me thankfully) :)
 
D

dewey

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However, in all honesty I still have the sensitivity. If something goes wrong or feels like it's gone wrong I feel hurt inside and struggle to cope despite constant skills practice and I get quite bad anxiety until the situation is resolved. I still have days where I am way too sensitive and sometimes suicide does pop into my mind but I am able to shut it down. It still bothers me that I am considered recovered and do not meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD anymore since I was discharged but I still feel like I suffer from it and I am beginning to wonder if this is just what life will be like for me now, if this is as good as it gets.

Does anyone else ever have this feeling? If so, how do you process these feelings? I have tried to use radical acceptance but I feel a bit ripped off to be honest since a lot of people seem to think full recovery is possible, and I am considered recovered, I think I am a lot better than I was and I'm functional but still have these struggles. Many thanks
Your progress is commendable, I'm not sure how well placed I am, to make these comments, and tell me if I'm way off, but I'll try.

One thing that has been important for me, is realising that you are actually allowed. I'm still working on this, but you are allowed, you're allowed for, one thing, to be sensitive. On some level, being sensitive is a character trait, not a characteristic of a mental illness, which is also a highly positive trait as sensitive people are basically pretty much usually very kind, intuitive, can have good insights and judgement, and we need people like that, despite what they have to go through, at certain points in their life, because of their sensitivity. So it's realising what your sensitivity (which can be painful) actually contributes.

You are also allowed to feel, you're a human, and you're allowed to have emotions. Just because you once suffered greatly with mental illness, doesn't really mean, that you have to write off all uncomfortable emotions. Everyone without exception feels insecure, everyone without exception can feel hurt, or embarassed etc. Sometimes part of the self-sabotage of BPD or other mental illnesses, is the self-expectation that you have to be a perfect human. You don't. You're actually pretty much just like everyone else. You react to things, you feel things, and that's okay. All having emotion means is that it makes you not a psychopath, so try not to put pressure on yourself. This is sometimes counter-productive because actually the more pressure you put on yourself, the more self-frustrated you get.

In terms of suicide popping up sometimes, I'm at a similar point, I'm functional in many ways, but today I got triggered and for a solid 20 mins, I was fighting my whole self just caving in on me. I was about to hit that point of agony, and I went through the feelings, I went through the burning emotion of wanting to die in my head, I got confused, and couldn't concentrate, I just wanted to run away to the toilet and cry, I wanted to harm myself, I wanted all those things, but then somehow, God knows how, I kind of, just let it settle inside. It is so fucking hard. But I would actually give myself a pat on the back for the fact I managed to pull myself together and just get on with the day. I'm not entirely convinced you're giving yourself enough credit for the progress you make.

And no, I don't think this necessarily is as good as it gets. Things are more uncertain than that, if you've made a huge leap forward, and things have improved, why not believe that they could get better still? Being self-critical and focusing on the negative aspects, that still linger, would impede you from getting better still. Maybe more openness to the possibilities of life is needed, and that's a very tough one, I must say.

So, I think you should completely savour all of the progress you have made - why focus on the negative when you can look at the bigger picture? Perhaps this is where you still need to do some work. I'm not sure, that's just what I think from what you've said
 
D

dewey

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Messages
1,560
I hate the word recovered because like you, I thought it meant fully better, never struggling again. I’m sorry to say this because it was a heartbreaking realisation for me too, you will never be completely better, BPD is a life long condition, we will never not deal with it. But therapy and medication help the condition and the skills we learn in therapy make the condition sooo much better. I also probably wouldn’t Be diagnosed with BPD now because I am so stable so don’t meet as much of the criteria as I used to but that doesn’t mean we don’t still have it, we will always have it but recovered is having less of it if that makes sense? We use our skills to manage the symptoms and give ourselves the best life possible.

it’s shit and I’m sorry this is something you’re struggling to come to terms with, I struggled too but the way that helped me was thinking about the positives and holding onto that, BPD as shit as it is has made me so so loving and empathetic, it inspired me to want to be a mental health nurse due to my experience, it means that I know so many valuable life skills that a lot of people without the condition I think lack, it’s made me the person I am now and I’m starting to really like her. Those are a few examples of mine, do you have any you can think of? If you need inspiration try looking up “positives of BPD”.

I’m sorry that people Have made it out to you that they think you are completely fine now cause that’s really not what they mean I promise, when I felt like this I was told that people know I’m not 100% normal and I never will be, sometimes I will need to reach out and maybe in my life I might relapse and get bad again, they know you will always struggle with this but for now like you said you are the most stable you have ever been and so they’re focusing on that positive but will be there if you need help.

I hope my post helps you and isnt disheartening, I know it’s so tricky and shit to come to terms with but I’m here if you ever have any questions or need someone to reach out to:hug:
I think BPD is a label that people don't really need to condemn themselves to for the whole of their lives.
If you go through recovery and deep therapy, and you try to understand yourself better, and keep a close eye on yourself, you can steer yourself away from having to be completely overwhelmed by BPD. It's about who has control. When someone actively chooses to invest in their own recovery, they are rebelling against the BPD. It's them that's in control, not it. People who have been diagnosed with BPD at some point may sometimes be more fragile and sensitive than others, but a hell of a lot of humans are fragile anyway, and being sensitive can only be a good thing. There is no need for people to write themselves off. It's more about accepting that you are actually allowed to fragile, and that life can fuck anyone at any point. Our fragility is what makes us human, and that's not confined to BPD
 
B

Butterfly3

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Messages
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Thanks for your answer - I feared this was the case but in all honesty I felt like it might be too good to be true. I do find it a bit misleading that it's still said to be possible for full recovery though since we were all sold this idea in therapy and I was congratulated when I finished up and no longer met the criteria.

I think that because BPD is a lot of sensitivity, it does make sense that this would never fully be cured because you can't help if you're sensitive to a degree. For example, I am sensitive in pretty much every sense of the word. Physically, and mentally. I can even tickle myself and people tell me it's impossible! And although mentally and physically I have purposely toughened myself up over the years, it does feel a little embarrassing to know that I'm still below average. I don't let it hold me back but it can be disheartening at times.

I think I do have good traits that come from having BPD - like you I am very loving and empathetic but to a fault a lot of the time which is something I'm working on, since it manifests itself as guilt a lot of the time. I also seem to be able to get along with others very easily and it's always made work a lot better, I think that would also stem from the empathy since I genuinely care if a co-worker is struggling and I jump at the chance to help them out if I am able.

Thank you once again though, I know it's impossible that I'd be the only person struggling with this realization but it's hard to find people who can relate because I am cut off from services and I don't have any friends (although my boyfriend is very supportive of me thankfully) :)
yes I agree it is very misleading and for me the worst one is people talking about their stories and showing off their amazing lives and saying everything is great now, you will have that amazing life and it is true recovery is possible but I guess for me I had to give the definition of recovery a new meaning - I’ll be so much better, I’ll still struggle and have my bad days and it’s not going to go away but life will be worth living, I’ll enjoy it.

it’s okay to be sensitive! My mum is and she doesn’t have any mental illness it’s just a personality characteristic of hers, please don’t consider yourself lower than other people you really are not! It’s okay to be sensitive, I’ve found people who are are kind, and empathetic and loving and people I want to keep in my life forever. I’m sensitive too but it’s not a bad thing I swear, it just means we feel things more deeply and I think that’s a beautiful thing because we’ll love harder than anyone, feel happier than anyone, care harder than anyone. Please don’t look at yourself as less than, you are beautiful and if you start to look at it BPD can feel like a beautiful thing.

The traits BPD give you make you sound like a very loving and kind and sweet person. You are definitely not alone in this and please reach out to us if you are struggling with anything else or want to talk more about this. I too have no friends just my girlfriend so I’m always here if you need a friend. Take care, when I came to terms with it and kept working on myself my life became beautiful, still struggle but I’ve grown and learnt so much and I’m happy for the first time since I was a child.:hug:
 
B

Butterfly3

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I think BPD is a label that people don't really need to condemn themselves to for the whole of their lives.
If you go through recovery and deep therapy, and you try to understand yourself better, and keep a close eye on yourself, you can steer yourself away from having to be completely overwhelmed by BPD. It's about who has control. When someone actively chooses to invest in their own recovery, they are rebelling against the BPD. It's them that's in control, not it. People who have been diagnosed with BPD at some point may sometimes be more fragile and sensitive than others, but a hell of a lot of humans are fragile anyway, and being sensitive can only be a good thing. There is no need for people to write themselves off. It's more about accepting that you are actually allowed to fragile, and that life can fuck anyone at any point. Our fragility is what makes us human, and that's not confined to BPD
I would agree that people don’t need to condemn themselves to the BPD label for the rest of their life, but that doesn’t mean we won’t always have it, this is a life long issue sadly. I have done the therapy and meds and I am steered away from being completely overwhelmed by BPD but what I think Lugnut is going through (please correct me if I’m wrong) is also that she is stable but still struggles and will this be forever? Or is full recovery possible? So I was just trying to explain that we will always struggle but we will also have a very beautiful life.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Keep in mind, people without BPD have their own meltdowns and issues, too. Don't make the mistake of thinking people without BPD get to have lives full of light and happiness all the time, either.

I think part of recovery is gaining a more realistic view of life, understanding that there are always ups and downs.

A lot of it is learning control.

And sometimes, finding the right meds to help with the comorbid stuff like anxiety and depression, to reduce your stressload.
 
D

dewey

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I would agree that people don’t need to condemn themselves to the BPD label for the rest of their life, but that doesn’t mean we won’t always have it, this is a life long issue sadly. I have done the therapy and meds and I am steered away from being completely overwhelmed by BPD but what I think Lugnut is going through (please correct me if I’m wrong) is also that she is stable but still struggles and will this be forever? Or is full recovery possible? So I was just trying to explain that we will always struggle but we will also have a very beautiful life.
I think we only just struggle so much as any other human being can be susceptible to, if that makes sense. What you said about struggling, yet having a beautiful life, and I agree. But that's what being alive is

If you manage to make a leap forward and lose a BPD diagnosis, or make a leap forward and feel stable, then you're just like anyone else without it. You always have it as a kind of backdrop, it's kind of part of your story, in a way, and it's a sensitivity, or an awareness you have. You know you could slip up and you're aware of when you're about to, and that's as far as recovery goes.

Honestly I question what does "full recovery" even mean.

Recovery takes a lot of guts, and in my eyes, from what I've learnt, anyway, recovery is just a process where you gain a lot of new perspectives, and you gain more self-awareness.

Honestly, if you get more self aware to the point where you can say "OH god, I'm going through those old familiar patterns of thinking and behaving" again, and you can stabilise yourself, that's absolutely massive. In terms of having a normal life, I question what that even is.

If any of us was expecting for life to be sunshine and roses, well we all know that's not the case. The point is life isn't easy anyway. Human beings can be extremely complicated and a lot of them have very repressed emotional issues, and those do boil to the surface at some point. When someone is ill and meets the BPD criteria you can almost consider it a boiling to the surface of very very human issues.

In terms of "this doesn't mean we won't always have it, this is a life long issue", you can just as well say that human suffering and having a susceptibality to losing the plot, is a life long issue. In a sense, it can happen to absolutely anyone. People are different, but most people have issues and for a lot of them completely unaware of it.

In general, human beings like to function and not be in their emotional selves a lot. When someone has BPD they are very much in their emotional selves and not functionning, sure, you may slip up to the point where you are in your emotional self again, but would you ever get really really ill again? An optimist would say no, someone with BPD is likely to say yes, of course I would get ill again, because they are the kinds of people who can be very hard on themselves.

the real answer is nobody knows if we would get really sick again, but at least we can try to be kinder to ourselves and never write ourselves off. How many of us who have at one point been diagnosed, really loathe ourselves and write ourselves off? When in reality we are just human and prone to human suffering.

Neither you nor anyone should feel like BPD is something they always have, or that they are in any way weak. COming to terms with your issues and your emotional self takes so much guts.
 
B

Butterfly3

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I think we only just struggle so much as any other human being can be susceptible to, if that makes sense. What you said about struggling, yet having a beautiful life, and I agree. But that's what being alive is

If you manage to make a leap forward and lose a BPD diagnosis, or make a leap forward and feel stable, then you're just like anyone else without it. You always have it as a kind of backdrop, it's kind of part of your story, in a way, and it's a sensitivity, or an awareness you have. You know you could slip up and you're aware of when you're about to, and that's as far as recovery goes.

Honestly I question what does "full recovery" even mean.

Recovery takes a lot of guts, and in my eyes, from what I've learnt, anyway, recovery is just a process where you gain a lot of new perspectives, and you gain more self-awareness.

Honestly, if you get more self aware to the point where you can say "OH god, I'm going through those old familiar patterns of thinking and behaving" again, and you can stabilise yourself, that's absolutely massive. In terms of having a normal life, I question what that even is.

If any of us was expecting for life to be sunshine and roses, well we all know that's not the case. The point is life isn't easy anyway. Human beings can be extremely complicated and a lot of them have very repressed emotional issues, and those do boil to the surface at some point. When someone is ill and meets the BPD criteria you can almost consider it a boiling to the surface of very very human issues.

In terms of "this doesn't mean we won't always have it, this is a life long issue", you can just as well say that human suffering and having a susceptibality to losing the plot, is a life long issue. In a sense, it can happen to absolutely anyone. People are different, but most people have issues and for a lot of them completely unaware of it.

In general, human beings like to function and not be in their emotional selves a lot. When someone has BPD they are very much in their emotional selves and not functionning, sure, you may slip up to the point where you are in your emotional self again, but would you ever get really really ill again? An optimist would say no, someone with BPD is likely to say yes, of course I would get ill again, because they are the kinds of people who can be very hard on themselves.

the real answer is nobody knows if we would get really sick again, but at least we can try to be kinder to ourselves and never write ourselves off. How many of us who have at one point been diagnosed, really loathe ourselves and write ourselves off? When in reality we are just human and prone to human suffering.

Neither you nor anyone should feel like BPD is something they always have, or that they are in any way weak. COming to terms with your issues and your emotional self takes so much guts.
These are all very good and interesting points, I really enjoyed reading this so thank you, especially for all the wisdom :hug:
 
Lugnut

Lugnut

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Keep in mind, people without BPD have their own meltdowns and issues, too. Don't make the mistake of thinking people without BPD get to have lives full of light and happiness all the time, either.

I think part of recovery is gaining a more realistic view of life, understanding that there are always ups and downs.

A lot of it is learning control.

And sometimes, finding the right meds to help with the comorbid stuff like anxiety and depression, to reduce your stressload.
Ah yes, I do try to not make that mistake but I find it quite difficult to understand when exactly I am having a "normal" bad day or a "BPD" bad day if you know what I mean. My whole life I was always told I was overreacting to everything I ever got upset over so to this day, although I know normal people also have bad days and ups and downs, I don't know whether or not I am still too extreme or anything like that and it's hard to tell if I am still being normal or too far. It's that self doubt that separates me the most I think, because I don't have the confidence to believe I am more normal now and still see myself as over-reactive even though I'm apparently not lol

I am okay with life having ups and downs, I've always had the viewpoint that it'd be horrifically jarring to be happy all the time so my therapy goal was always to just be less extreme and more managed and stable which is good
 
D

dewey

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These are all very good and interesting points, I really enjoyed reading this so thank you, especially for all the wisdom :hug:
Great to share experiences with you. Honestly I completely understand what you're saying, the fear of becoming 'ill' again is extremely real and honestly we do need to keep ourselves in check, all the time. It's a struggle and it's a battle. I just don't like labels very much and I don't think we should write ourselves off. I'm not saying you think this either, I just think we need to be optimistic. At least try to be more optimistic and more self- loving.
Old insecurities are always there, but we are human.
This thread is very uplifting to read, about others in recovery and feeling like their lives has improved. It is such a massive inspiration so thank you to yourself, and thank you to the first poster and everyone who has written here.
I relate to what you and what the others on this thread have been saying.

Just wondering if you guys through recovery also suffer from or struggle with :
identity.
Building identity in recovery. For me, this identity thing has been a huge issue with me. For years I just identified with my own pain and what feels like extreme suffering.
I am trying to rebuild myself and identify who I am. A life without the constant emotional suffering, where I am making some sense of things, is terrifying in some ways, as it's what I've always been or known in some way. I don't have a strong sense of who I am.
Sometimes it just feels like there is no one inside me. I get over whelmed by feelings that I don't exist or that I'm not really anyone. It's hard. It goes hand in hand with emptiness and dissociating and anxiety. Does anyone relate to this? It's quite terrifying. Sometimes I just want to escape some place else and completely build this dreamt up 'pure' life that I have had from scratch. It's like I want to be free from all these constraints and fears and insecurities I have.
 
D

dewey

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Ah yes, I do try to not make that mistake but I find it quite difficult to understand when exactly I am having a "normal" bad day or a "BPD" bad day if you know what I mean. My whole life I was always told I was overreacting to everything I ever got upset over so to this day, although I know normal people also have bad days and ups and downs, I don't know whether or not I am still too extreme or anything like that and it's hard to tell if I am still being normal or too far. It's that self doubt that separates me the most I think, because I don't have the confidence to believe I am more normal now and still see myself as over-reactive even though I'm apparently not lol

I am okay with life having ups and downs, I've always had the viewpoint that it'd be horrifically jarring to be happy all the time so my therapy goal was always to just be less extreme and more managed and stable which is good
Yes that makes perfect sense, in terms of you not knowing when you're going too far. Personally, even though I am 'functionning' I still find it very difficult to stop myself from spiralling into negative emotions and that point of terrible suffering where it is all too far. I still have a lot of work to do to over come many issues and insecurities that I have. It makes it a bit easier on oneself though when you think about it like we are all human we all have issues and insecurities.

Yes, sounds like some self doubt to me, just try to trust in yourself more, maybe. Like tell yourself it's okay to feel things and there's no need to presume you're over reacting. I wonder if you can make some checklist points in your head? For me, because my symptoms are less extreme, like not dissociating so much and also being more present around other people in general, and also not actively trying to harm myself, and also not getting hysterical, I can say tangibly I've improved, or at least am I improving. I wonder could you grade yourself almost on this? Like there is anger, but there's levels of anger, or depression but levels of depression. Surely you were doing things before that you're not doing anymore, which means your response is more measured, and so you don't have to feel like you're a slave to a mental illness. Always remember your BPD does not in any way define you.
 
B

bpd2020

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Great to share experiences with you. Honestly I completely understand what you're saying, the fear of becoming 'ill' again is extremely real and honestly we do need to keep ourselves in check, all the time. It's a struggle and it's a battle. I just don't like labels very much and I don't think we should write ourselves off. I'm not saying you think this either, I just think we need to be optimistic. At least try to be more optimistic and more self- loving.
Old insecurities are always there, but we are human.
This thread is very uplifting to read, about others in recovery and feeling like their lives has improved. It is such a massive inspiration so thank you to yourself, and thank you to the first poster and everyone who has written here.
I relate to what you and what the others on this thread have been saying.

Just wondering if you guys through recovery also suffer from or struggle with :
identity.
Building identity in recovery. For me, this identity thing has been a huge issue with me. For years I just identified with my own pain and what feels like extreme suffering.
I am trying to rebuild myself and identify who I am. A life without the constant emotional suffering, where I am making some sense of things, is terrifying in some ways, as it's what I've always been or known in some way. I don't have a strong sense of who I am.
Sometimes it just feels like there is no one inside me. I get over whelmed by feelings that I don't exist or that I'm not really anyone. It's hard. It goes hand in hand with emptiness and dissociating and anxiety. Does anyone relate to this? It's quite terrifying. Sometimes I just want to escape some place else and completely build this dreamt up 'pure' life that I have had from scratch. It's like I want to be free from all these constraints and fears and insecurities I have.
I struggle with my identity. I feel like I do not have a personality or know who I am. When I read 'quiet bpd' that describes me. Other then that I do not know who I am. I do experience chronic emptyness. I think it is just part of bpd.
 
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Purpleplum

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You're going what most people who go through a mid-life crisis experience go through, although yours is before mid-life. Everyone, MH problems or not, goes through that question: "is this as good as it gets?"

We all have to deal with the hand that we are dealt. Few are truly satisfied with it. That is life.
 

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