How do you deal with knowing your partner sexually abused his sister?

[coolchanty]

have been with my boyfriend now for 3 years and we were planning to get married and have a family very soon. We have been very happy the whole time and were made for each other and everyone like family and friends were happy too. Last week he got arrested and he had to tell me what for. I was thinking it was probably for robbing a bank or even as bad a killing someone in self defense which are both a bit more understandable and normal crimes. No crime is good I know but they are not as bad as this. It turns out he had abused his sister when he was young and had sex with her too. She was so young.

I am extremely confused as to why when he was 10 -14 it happened. I would of known and majority of people would have known this was wrong. I can't understand why he says he didn't. I have tried to talk to him about it and he does not remember much at all.

I am in a big state about the whole thing because it is such a strange thing to of done and because I loved him and was so happy. I just don't know whether I could live happy now with him knowing he did this. Not only that would I be always concerned there is more he is hiding from me.

I have sent him home for a bit as the house is in my name to have some space. Some of our friends know what has happened and they have all known him for many years and even went to school with him whilst this was happening. People are just in as much shock and devastated for me as I am. I have mixed feelings and information at the moment as to what to do to move forward whether it is with or without him.

Does anyone have any idea how I can or should deal with this?

He said he was not abused as a child however he did tell me he had no curfews and had his own TV in bedroom. He also said he had no love or affection from anyone. I was trying to understand what problems there must of been.

He is 26 now and she is 22. So it would of happened to his sister from the ages of 6 -10.

No one knows why she brought it up 12 years later. She did try to charge him about 4-5 years ago and then dropped the case. Family members believe she has a very dark side and was waiting until he was happy and to have someone else involved to press charges. She apparently said fears for her three year old daughter now she has told the police.

He definately is not like this now and does not pray on children at all. However it worries me as to why his sister said she is worried for her three year old daughter now.

He just has a bad past and wanted to be a better person and help people after his past. I do seriously believe this is the truth and it is just in the past whilst he was growing up and he has tried to make a better life for himself which he has done up to now.

I definately do believe him when he talks to me. If he says he can't remember anything and says he did not know what he was doing. I think he has erased most of it from his memory which I probably would.

I would of rather of never known this happened and hoped his sister moved on now by now as best as she could of done and just stayed away from him for good.

She wont talk to anyone about it so I can only assume how she must be feeling and why she might of got him charged now 12 years later.

I feel I could forgive him and have a future providing we never saw his sister ever again as I would be worried she would try it again and maybe even tell my children.

The things that are stopping me getting back with him at the moment are I am worried what others would think and how they would treat us. Life is hard enough without having a major problem like this involved. I would be worried if he went on to a register people would find where he lived and brick the house or be nasty towards us. I would also be scared of my future employment options if I married him and although I know he would not harm our children I would still have this thought. The only thing in his favour here is he was a minor and not an adult when he did it or I definately could not forgive him.

If he does get charged and get named etc and has to serve a prison sentence this would also be traumatic to deal with.

I feel I am best having some time and space from him and wait to see how the case goes. He has admitted to doing it so unfortuantely I can't even hope it is a sick joke. He definately did do it.

Does anyone know how I could get him to try and talk about it fully with someone and try to get answers for it maybe and also if anyone has help or advice on going forwards as to whether I should or should not forgive him this would also help.

I am suffering depression at the moment as it is a big shock and I never thought anything like this of such a nice person. It is like my heart has been ripped out of me so suddenly :-(. Thanks in advance.

 

[Cal]

Wow that's harsh, i was shocked reading it so i can't begion to imagine how you must feel. I don't really have much advice because it's a real dilemna all i could think of is try to convince him to go to a hypnotherapist because it may help uncover motives etc. and if he understood what he was doing or not also if he refuses it may be a sign that he remembers more than he's letting on and is scared that he'll be found out, i'm not really sure how good this suggestion is but it was all that i could think of. I just hope that things get better for you whatever you do, this must be such a scary time for you and i want to send you my best wishes

 

[unlucky]

I can understand how upset you must be feeling about this as you have invested all your time and love into this man and you really must be devastated about all of this, but I really must say, as someone who was abused when they were 6 (and it only happened once) it is a lot easier said than done to just 'forget about it and get on with your life as best you can'. This will have been festering away with his sister for years and years and I can understand that now that she has a daughter of her own that she wants some closure to this. I've felt so much worse since having my own daughter and if I thought the guy who did this to me was anywhere near my daughter I would happily commit murder!! As I said, I understand how devastated you are but please spare a thought for the real 'victim' in this who probably still has nightmares and probably has intimacy issues because of what happened to her.

 

[jamesdean]

I havent read your post because the title in it self was disgusting enough though I did read whot unlucky wrote and I have to say having been accused of abusing little boys by my father its not a nice thing to even think about and if there s one area that i can help people in lifes it if I can offer any support to children because they are the one group of people that generally cannot fight back for them selves and thre isnt anything more in human and disgusting has child abuse and there really is no forgiveness in my book @ a higher level than myself perhaps a person can be redeemed but if you have a problem in this area then ffs get help first before abusing a child sorry if I am out of order just the very word abuse fucks my head up because there is no excuse not for no one its the worst thing ever.

Gosh I have just briefly read your post before submiting my reply and you are in a mess in your head with this coolchanty whot an awful thing to have to be dealing with I feel for you, I had no love or affection from my father whot so ever I dont think he was capable of affection n I didnt abuse no one.

I have just read a little bit more n I have to say I personally couldnt live with someone who had done this he wants hanging for whot he did IMO.

You need a lot of tlc takecare n godbless JD

 

[Nutter_09]

Shock!
I do hope you are having some "me" time and also feeling better.
Again like the others, its hard to know what to say unless you are in that situation.
From your post, it seems like you have already decided that you want to stay with him but you really need to know exactly what has been going on.
Do you get on with the sister and his parents? You have a right to know. Would it be possible to have a chat to her and listen to her side of things.
We can all judge and give oppinions but its your choice, i do think its good you are having a break from him so you can have space and also for him.

Could he possibly have some counselling?
Also one main thing to ask is how are you doing yourself as you say you had depression before this all came about - remember to take care of yourself whatever happens.

Take care

 

[telemetry9]

this strange life

I really admire your bravery in being so honest and frank.

I am in no way an expert but a lot of things have happened in my life and some of them I struggled with for many years to come to terms with. People on the outside of those events could never possibly understand what goes on in certain families and can only judge or condemn. I want to give a different point of view and one that isn't steeped in judgment or inability to understand.

From what I understand about people who prey on children and paedophiles is that they are individuals who are incapable of telling the truth. They just never will. Even years after an event with all the facts and evidence available to everyone - the paedophile will always lie. The reason for this is because there act of abuse is not about sex but about power and control. It is a pure form of evil in that respect of destroying a child's trust and innocence. If they were to admit their crimes they would then lose some of that power and control - something they would never do. Even going to the extent of never disclosing the whereabouts of a child's body to a grieving and tormented family. They have no empathy towards the child or the family involved.

The fact that your partner is honest about what took place is key. If he denied what occurred then there would be a problem - because there is no logic in his sister making such an unfounded allegation. So it happened.

To make it easier for you; try and discern the motivations which surrounded the incest in their childhood. Were there clear roads and warnings that may have pushed them together in childhood in an emotional sense? Was there physical abuse in the family? Did they look for in each other what they didn't receive from their parents? ie. emotional support and physical nurturing? Did they have separate rooms as children (which all children should have).

People often assume that incest is a result of some kind of sexual deviancy when it may have no sexual motivations at all. In many family's were there is physical and emotional abuse children become emotionally repressed. Emotional repression leads to inappropriate sexual behaviour in adults and children alike. It is often a distorted expression of feeling unloved or accepted. Very different from what people often assume the reasons for incest to be.

The key element is to understand what went on. Once you are clear in your own mind and heart then you can make the decision to help your partner or walk away. But if we are armed with the truth - then it makes it a whole lot easier to cope with such difficult issues such as incest.

The world so often turns away from things it doesn't want to face and in doing so it denies itself a new level of understanding and a realization that every kind of abuse. Whether it be physical or emotional or sexual towards innocent children so full of hope and expectation all can lead to the byproduct of incest. A manifestation of distorted expressions and a failure of being loved and accepted. Is this what happened to your partner or can you see more than that? The difference will help you stay or to decide to walk away for your own well being.

God bless
Robert.

 

[mrsclue]

I think the question you have to ask yourself is can you look into your parnters eye's knowing what he has done and forgive him? Once you've firgured that out you'll know what to do. Forget the other questions and just think of that.

 

[littlemiss436]

Coolchanty... *hugs*

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
You need some time and some space to let your mind and your heart work out what they truly feel on this.
Do get some counselling.

My partner - whom I loved dearly and wanted to marry - turned out to be mentally ill and a minor criminal, and he is now in prison. So in some small way I can empathise with what you are going through. It is a horrid situation where the relationship you thought you had is turned on its head and you don't know where to take it from here...

As Mrsclue says, it's about forgiveness. Yes, he is the same person who did that awful thing. Yet it was a long time ago and people change.

If he has changed, and has gotten over whatever issues made him do it, or is willing to seek help to try and understand why it happened, then those are positive signs.

Take time out for yourself. Make sure you talk to people about this.

There are no answers as to how to cope. If all you can do is get through each day one at a time then that is fine. Talk to your doctor.

Good luck, only you can decide if you can cope with it. and make sure you talk it out and think it all through.

If he ends up in prison (which I would have thought he wouldn't as he was a minor, but I have no idea) feel free to PM me as I'm going through it at the moment.

Love and peace to you
xxx

 

[DiagnosisBipolar2]

I think the question you need to ask yourself which only you can answer is Can I live with a paedophile?

What an awful way for you to have found out still it may be a blessing in disguise: better you know now than a few years down the line when you may have your own children.

 

[littlemiss436]

I think the question you need to ask yourself which only you can answer is Can I live with a paedophile?

Is he a paedophile? He was a child himself when the incident happened.

If it hasn't happened in adult life, I don't think that's paedophilia.

 

[DiagnosisBipolar2]

A 13 or 14-year old is a child, and therefore a peer of children. As such, he cannot be considered a pedophile. However, that doesn't preclude him from showing signs of developing pedophilic tendencies or from having other issues related to sexual development.

We dont know that the case with his sister was indeed a one off. All the case law would tell us that these type of offenders tend to continue though of course i'm speculating now.

 

[canmix]

So he's been arrested, he's presumed guilty? Ahhhhhhh but there's no smoke without fire and all that, please ffs stop reading the Sun, Mirror or the Daily Star.

If he was 10-14 when it happened then he was a child himself, its nothing more than curiosity It would be a different story if he was older....

If he was 10-14 and someone older abused him a lot of the people here would be telling you.. omg its so sick he was only 10-14 and some evil doer abused him he was only a child sure he wouldn't have known any better.

My partner has confided in me in some borderline times when she was younger and I wouldn't think for a second to hold it against her, it was curiosity and nothing more.

I don't think forgiving him is an issue, would you ask to be forgiven for a mistake you made when you were 12 years old?

Anyway only you can really tell what is what, its ok to be wary in the future but if you don't have the trust in your relationship to make it a long lasting one then you should probably bail out now.

 

[DiagnosisBipolar2]

So he's been arrested, he's presumed guilty? Ahhhhhhh but there's no smoke without fire and all that, please ffs stop reading the Sun, Mirror or the Daily Star.

If he was 10-14 when it happened then he was a child himself, its nothing more than curiosity

The original poster states he has admitted to abusing and having full penetrated sex with his sister when she was between the ages of 6 and 10 that is more than just normal curiosity.

 

[mrsclue]

i dont think anyone abused in such a way would agree with you when you quote it was just normal curiosity. We all know right from wrong and we know when we cross certain boundaries, even at a young age.

 

[canmix]

The original poster states he has admitted to abusing and having full penetrated sex with his sister when she was between the ages of 6 and 10 that is more than just normal curiosity.

I must have missed that line when I read this earlier.

That most definitely changes things.