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How do you deal with irritability?

G

Ginger Kitten

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For me dealing with irritability wouldn't be terrible being bipolar 2, but having aspd too complicates everything, it becomes very very difficult if not impossible to calm down.
I'm very good at hiding it.
Anger can last a long time, and being already prone to violence (cause I honestly don't care nor I see consequences) it doesn't help, everything becomes a risky trigger, since I don't have a brake.
Anger can also go away for a while and return two hours later, for the same reasons.
I don't take meds nor want them, the only thing that helps me in those moments is distract my brain with whatever possible,
videos, debates, music, ... pick one,
as well as working out, like push-ups and more.
It's the only thing that helps me to let off steam in a healthy way, and prevents me from killing someone.
Killing someone? Honestly? I get rage, but I would never feel that extreme... I just wonder if you're missing a trick by not taking medication? It definitely can calm you down, as people on here have said. When I'm suffering from dysphoric irritability, I take Clonazepam, an anxiolytic which works directly on the nervous system. When you're enraged, your 'fight or flight mechanism' is in attack mode, which would mean your nerves would be firing excessively - so I assume that's why an anxiolytic would work to calm you down.
I also found that quetiapine calmed my irritability too, when I first went on it, though I don't think it has that effect any more. But as you're not taking anything atm, it might be useful in a low dose for its sedative effect.
Just a couple of suggestions, but I realise you may not want to take drugs - it sounds from your post above as if you are against them, which is fine, but I do think they have their uses. We are struggling with an illness that is very difficult to combat without medication - and you have two conditions to deal with.
With best wishes, Ginger Kitten.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Killing someone? Honestly? I get rage, but I would never feel that extreme... I just wonder if you're missing a trick by not taking medication? It definitely can calm you down, as people on here have said. When I'm suffering from dysphoric irritability, I take Clonazepam, an anxiolytic which works directly on the nervous system. When you're enraged, your 'fight or flight mechanism' is in attack mode, which would mean your nerves would be firing excessively - so I assume that's why an anxiolytic would work to calm you down.
I also found that quetiapine calmed my irritability too, when I first went on it, though I don't think it has that effect any more. But as you're not taking anything atm, it might be useful in a low dose for its sedative effect.
Just a couple of suggestions, but I realise you may not want to take drugs - it sounds from your post above as if you are against them, which is fine, but I do think they have their uses. We are struggling with an illness that is very difficult to combat without medication - and you have two conditions to deal with.
With best wishes, Ginger Kitten.
I'm not a risk to others, and you're right, dealing with these two disorders can leads me to go from 0 to 100 in a sec, but it's when I remain very calm that it's time to worry in my case.
I admit that I have days when, without benzos my nerves would never calm down, so I do use them sometimes, but generally I'm able to look quite composed (and I confess that I often use the help of alcohol too, but never to get drunk, I remain functional and rational all day, without anyone noticing a difference ).
The psych doesn't think in my case drugs can do much, he was quite clear about it , considering that my bipolarity is not too serious (at least for me, I can deal with it) and most of my dark thoughts and urges however comes from being antisocial.
Usually I keep everything under control (and I don't like if I'm not in control, I get angry), but I 'had to' go to psychotherapy (don't get me wrong, it does help me and I'm not complaining, without it I wouldn't been able to understand myself ).
If faced with triggers, however, it gets more complicated.
So I was suggested CBT, although I've tried it in the past and it only made it worse, but I guess things could change right? Nonetheless I keep being quite skeptical.
Thank you for your suggestion and help, I do appreciate it.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I'm not a risk to others, and you're right, dealing with these two disorders can leads me to go from 0 to 100 in a sec, but it's when I remain very calm that it's time to worry in my case.
I admit that I have days when, without benzos my nerves would never calm down, so I do use them sometimes, but generally I'm able to look quite composed (and I confess that I often use the help of alcohol too, but never to get drunk, I remain functional and rational all day, without anyone noticing a difference ).
The psych doesn't think in my case drugs can do much, he was quite clear about it , considering that my bipolarity is not too serious (at least for me, I can deal with it) and most of my dark thoughts and urges however comes from being antisocial.
Usually I keep everything under control (and I don't like if I'm not in control, I get angry), but I 'had to' go to psychotherapy (don't get me wrong, it does help me and I'm not complaining, without it I wouldn't been able to understand myself ).
If faced with triggers, however, it gets more complicated.
So I was suggested CBT, although I've tried it in the past and it only made it worse, but I guess things could change right? Nonetheless I keep being quite skeptical.
Thank you for your suggestion and help, I do appreciate it.
Right now (for the past week or more) I've been really angry and resentful towards my FP and her daughter. I wake up everyday with angry thoughts and violent desires, and ruminate with hypothetical / imagined discussions where I am very verbally abusive, and violent.

It's quite horrible. It's toxic. I wish I could switch it off.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Right now (for the past week or more) I've been really angry and resentful towards my FP and her daughter. I wake up everyday with angry thoughts and violent desires, and ruminate with hypothetical / imagined discussions where I am very verbally abusive, and violent.

It's quite horrible. It's toxic. I wish I could switch it off.
It sucks, sorry to hear that, I know what rage feels like and you do seems quite upset.

Often if I have this kind of anger now, I tend to do of the person who pissed me off, my mission, and I don't say anything else ...
But it's frustrating nonetheless, especially if there's nothing you can do.
As far as advice I don't know what to give you, since like you I have an anger issue (I'm not the best advisor hah ..) and I'm not used to fp, but I guess it's like a trusted close friend?
My suggestion is to try to distract yourself from this person as much as possible( if you can, I know is hard), with whatever you have at your disposal, energy consuming activities (not necessarily physical, it can be also just mental).
But I guess in the end, as in my case, time is the only remedy unfortunately.

Hope you'll feel better soon.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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It sucks, sorry to hear that, I know what rage feels like and you do seems quite upset.

Often if I have this kind of anger now, I tend to do of the person who pissed me off, my mission, and I don't say anything else ...
But it's frustrating nonetheless, especially if there's nothing you can do.
As far as advice I don't know what to give you, since like you I have an anger issue (I'm not the best advisor hah ..) and I'm not used to fp, but I guess it's like a trusted close friend?
My suggestion is to try to distract yourself from this person as much as possible( if you can, I know is hard), with whatever you have at your disposal, energy consuming activities (not necessarily physical, it can be also just mental).
But I guess in the end, as in my case, time is the only remedy unfortunately.

Hope you'll feel better soon.
Thank you! It helps (briefly, lol) just that you understand what it's like.

My FP lives in a different state and came up here to her vacation apartment in my building for Christmas, and it had been 8 months since I'd seen her. She was so looking forward to seeing me she said, she'd packed her toy sloth (I have a matching one and they are a couple, and were going to meet for the first time), but it's been 2.5 weeks since she arrived, I've only seen her 3 times, she hasn't once invited me up for a cup of tea like we ALWAYS do...so...

You know why this is? Because her f$%king spoiled brat 36 year old daughter controls everything. She's been living up here in my FP's penthouse since May 2021, refuses to leave, and right now they are both up there. My FP has a family violence order out against her daughter due to their MANY issues, and so she is trying hard to keep the peace while she's up here.

I FOOLISHLY supported and helped my FP a few months ago, ongoing, with this stuff about her daughter. The daughter lied about being with a man who had moved into my FP's apartment. She kept saying no, he wasn't here, no she wasn't with anyone. But he WAS here as I'd seen him and his car a LOT. I took some photos to prove it, as this building is a gossip factory and a lot of it is untrue.

So the daughter now hates me for catching her out in all her lies. Sooo...yeah. The daughter doesn't want me up there to visit. My FP defends me, but at the same time can't "make waves" so...that's what I get for helping people. Why even bother?
 
G

Ginger Kitten

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
410
Location
Surrey, Uk
Right now (for the past week or more) I've been really angry and resentful towards my FP and her daughter. I wake up everyday with angry thoughts and violent desires, and ruminate with hypothetical / imagined discussions where I am very verbally abusive, and violent.

It's quite horrible. It's toxic. I wish I could switch it off.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
410
Location
Surrey, Uk
Thank you! It helps (briefly, lol) just that you understand what it's like.

My FP lives in a different state and came up here to her vacation apartment in my building for Christmas, and it had been 8 months since I'd seen her. She was so looking forward to seeing me she said, she'd packed her toy sloth (I have a matching one and they are a couple, and were going to meet for the first time), but it's been 2.5 weeks since she arrived, I've only seen her 3 times, she hasn't once invited me up for a cup of tea like we ALWAYS do...so...

You know why this is? Because her f$%king spoiled brat 36 year old daughter controls everything. She's been living up here in my FP's penthouse since May 2021, refuses to leave, and right now they are both up there. My FP has a family violence order out against her daughter due to their MANY issues, and so she is trying hard to keep the peace while she's up here.

I FOOLISHLY supported and helped my FP a few months ago, ongoing, with this stuff about her daughter. The daughter lied about being with a man who had moved into my FP's apartment. She kept saying no, he wasn't here, no she wasn't with anyone. But he WAS here as I'd seen him and his car a LOT. I took some photos to prove it, as this building is a gossip factory and a lot of it is untrue.

So the daughter now hates me for catching her out in all her lies. Sooo...yeah. The daughter doesn't want me up there to visit. My FP defends me, but at the same time can't "make waves" so...that's what I get for helping people. Why even bother?
Stevie Sloth: My reply to the other post took longer than the allotted 5mins (Moderators, could you extend this please, sometimes it takes me a while to express everything I need to; thank you), so I've replied to this one instead. Here's what I said:

The angry thoughts and violent desires are a cause for concern: how do you know you won't act on them, especially towards the daughter? If I were feeling like that, I would contact my psychiatrist or support worker, because these impulses are an extreme sign of mental distress. And as this is an ongoing situation with no end in sight, I think you need more support; I also think you won't be able to deal with these thoughts and impulses on your own. A pdoc would be concerned if you told him/her what you've just told us.
I think it's an impossible situation btw. Could you speak to your partner and explain the effect it's having on you (just that it's making you constantly angry, not that it's making you feel violent, obviously)? On that subject, I wonder why the daughter is living her mother when she has taken out a 'family violence order' against her. Your FP sounds wealthy; could she rent another property for the time being, so the whole situation can calm down and she can work on a way to get her daughter rehomed that is less volatile? Best wishes, Ginger.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Messages
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Australia
The angry thoughts and violent desires are a cause for concern: how do you know you won't act on them, especially towards the daughter? If I were feeling like that, I would contact my psychiatrist or support worker, because these impulses are an extreme sign of mental distress. And as this is an ongoing situation with no end in sight, I think you need more support; I also think you won't be able to deal with these thoughts and impulses on your own. A pdoc would be concerned if you told him/her what you've just told us.
I think it's an impossible situation btw. Could you speak to your partner and explain the effect it's having on you (just that it's making you constantly angry, not that it's making you feel violent, obviously)? On that subject, I wonder why the daughter is living her mother when she has taken out a 'family violence order' against her. Your FP sounds wealthy; could she rent another property for the time being, so the whole situation can calm down and she can work on a way to get her daughter rehomed that is less volatile? Best wishes, Ginger.
Thank you @Ginger Kitten !

I am ok, really. I'm no stranger to this feeling. I used to be quite explosive in terms of my anger, but I've mellowed a LOT in the past decade or so, and am a naturally introspective and self aware person so I know I would never lose control and actually do anything. I've never been physically violent even during my worst anger outbursts in my late teens and throughout my 20s.

I do still (for now) value my friendship with my FP so I am also fully aware I can't express my feelings directly. I WANT to simply DISCUSS rationally and calmly with the daughter the situation, so we can actually move forward, as she blames me for taking photos and she thinks I was specifically targeting her. No. Incorrect. I only started taking the photos after my FP told me the daughter was adamant the guy was not here and had NEVER been here. And my FP made it abundantly clear that the guy was NOT to be in her apartment. So. Me, being loyal to my FP, who was not here and couldn't know or see for herself what was going on, helped squash all doubt by taking the photos. The very FIRST photo I didn't even take. My partner did. And not of anything in particular. My partner monitors the visitor car park and takes photos regularly each hour to see if anyone is abusing it (it's a huge problem in the building). One of those photos happened to include a certain car sitting in the middle of the driveway. She zoomed in to see the licence plate for her (very detailed records). Later, she asked me if it was the daughter and the guy in the car, as it looked like it but she wasn't sure. I said yep, that's them. That's how I knew it was his car in the first place.

So...not everything is about HER. And when confronted with the photos of his car in the street (where he later parked so people wouldn't know he was still around), she said it wasn't his car. Ahhhh...sure. So why were they both SITTING in it???

Anyway, so my FP says there is no point trying to discuss it with her rationally, as she is incapable of EVER admitting she's wrong. She said to just try and let it go and let time go by. Time? TIME? So the delusional daughter can "forgive" me for doing absolutely NOTHING wrong in the first place, while SHE lied?? She called ME a liar too, when she ran out of all other arguments.

Oh, I don't have a psychiatrist or any kind of support worker. I'm in Australia. Psychiatrists just give out (in my case inaccurate) diagnoses and medication. They also cost $200 - $700 per session. Psychologists / therapists have never helped me, as talking doesn't change my reality. I already know what they're going to say. They also cost between $80 - $200 an hour and that's WITH the government mental health care plan 20 sessions a year. There is no other support apart from doctors, who are good for medication and referrals to the abovementioned psychs.

Oh, and my FP isn't stable either. She really SHOULDN'T be living in the same property as the daughter. The police said not to do that. The only reason my FP is up here is because her 34 year old son disowned her (as usual) so she didn't want to be alone at Christmas.

The family violence order is on file at the court but was not served. It is a VERY long and convoluted story, but basically apart from the daughter being how she is (BPD, NPD and often suicidal), she's also SO entitled, she thinks she owns everything and demands my FP buy her a $5 million house. THEN she'll move out. HAH!!!! F$%K THAT!!!

My FP almost had her out, but then the daughter broke her leg playing netball and is still in a wheelchair 3 months later (she broke it in 3 places), plus there are literally NO rentals around here that are even remotely affordable. The daughter has never had a proper job in her life and has no money. She always has lived off my FP. This is an enormous problem between them.

Also, my FP can only get so far in terms of pushing the daughter out before she just cannot take the constant stress anymore and needs some of relief, so she backs off just to get that. Then later on, everything blows up again and the whole cycle will replay.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Thank you! It helps (briefly, lol) just that you understand what it's like.

My FP lives in a different state and came up here to her vacation apartment in my building for Christmas, and it had been 8 months since I'd seen her. She was so looking forward to seeing me she said, she'd packed her toy sloth (I have a matching one and they are a couple, and were going to meet for the first time), but it's been 2.5 weeks since she arrived, I've only seen her 3 times, she hasn't once invited me up for a cup of tea like we ALWAYS do...so...

You know why this is? Because her f$%king spoiled brat 36 year old daughter controls everything. She's been living up here in my FP's penthouse since May 2021, refuses to leave, and right now they are both up there. My FP has a family violence order out against her daughter due to their MANY issues, and so she is trying hard to keep the peace while she's up here.

I FOOLISHLY supported and helped my FP a few months ago, ongoing, with this stuff about her daughter. The daughter lied about being with a man who had moved into my FP's apartment. She kept saying no, he wasn't here, no she wasn't with anyone. But he WAS here as I'd seen him and his car a LOT. I took some photos to prove it, as this building is a gossip factory and a lot of it is untrue.

So the daughter now hates me for catching her out in all her lies. Sooo...yeah. The daughter doesn't want me up there to visit. My FP defends me, but at the same time can't "make waves" so...that's what I get for helping people. Why even bother?
Ooft...you have a lot on your plate, no wonder you are mad Stevie.
What's the daughter's address? hah .. just kidding.
Seriously speaking, it's a bad situation, since if I understood correctly, they've taken advantage of your generosity and above all your FP has taken advantage of your long friendship.

If you then say the daughter doesn't want to leave the apartment, I'm not an expert, but your FP could request eviction from the local judicial system.
It can be more difficult given your personal connection (I've always wondered what it would feels like to have such a bond), and it's never good when it happens.
I would also be careful of what they tell you about their health, accidents and so on.
Some people can lie with morally right undisputable arguments.
Do you have the possibility to find another person who could create a healthier dynamic and help you in this hard time?
I don't think that such a person(s) can be considered a close friend, with such toxic behavior (at least not anymore).
They are a threat to your mental health.
Keep me informed of how it goes if you feel like it, hope you'll sort it out.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Right, forget what I've said about the eviction, I've now read your last post.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Ooft...you have a lot on your plate, no wonder you are mad Stevie.
What's the daughter's address? hah .. just kidding.
Seriously speaking, it's a bad situation, since if I understood correctly, they've taken advantage of your generosity and above all your FP has taken advantage of your long friendship.

If you then say the daughter doesn't want to leave the apartment, I'm not an expert, but your FP could request eviction from the local judicial system.
It can be more difficult given your personal connection (I've always wondered what it would feels like to have such a bond), and it's never good when it happens.
I would also be careful of what they tell you about their health, accidents and so on.
Some people can lie with morally right undisputable arguments.
Do you have the possibility to find another person who could create a healthier dynamic and help you in this hard time?
I don't think that such a person(s) can be considered a close friend, with such toxic behavior (at least not anymore).
They are a threat to your mental health.
Keep me informed of how it goes if you feel like it, hope you'll sort it out.
Thank you! My FP is interesting. I've only involved myself in their situation to the extent I was comfortable. The only other person in our building who knows about it is 85 and for some insane reason, told a whole heap of people about it. So now nobody's talking to her.

My FP can indeed be a threat to my mental health, simply because she is my FP and not just a friend. If I didn't have BPD, I wouldn't feel the need for one person to be my "everything". She doesn't know about that. She wouldn't want that sort of pressure or responsibility either.

If my FP seriously wanted the daughter out, she would have had her served last year. But she didn't. And she probably never will.

My FP, in terms of this situation, has come to me for help. I'm fine with that. But I'm not doing it anymore. It's none of my business.

Oh, and I'm very much aware of being told or shown stuff about health, accidents, injuries, legal documents, etc. Even taking the photos of the car. I never did a thing without my FP texting me about it / asking if I'd seen the guy. I have had a spare key to her penthouse for over a year. I never abused it. Anything I did (beyond watering plants) was following texted requests or confirmation from my FP. Not in writing? No.

Nothing comes back to bite me.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Thank you! My FP is interesting. I've only involved myself in their situation to the extent I was comfortable. The only other person in our building who knows about it is 85 and for some insane reason, told a whole heap of people about it. So now nobody's talking to her.

My FP can indeed be a threat to my mental health, simply because she is my FP and not just a friend. If I didn't have BPD, I wouldn't feel the need for one person to be my "everything". She doesn't know about that. She wouldn't want that sort of pressure or responsibility either.

If my FP seriously wanted the daughter out, she would have had her served last year. But she didn't. And she probably never will.

My FP, in terms of this situation, has come to me for help. I'm fine with that. But I'm not doing it anymore. It's none of my business.

Oh, and I'm very much aware of being told or shown stuff about health, accidents, injuries, legal documents, etc. Even taking the photos of the car. I never did a thing without my FP texting me about it / asking if I'd seen the guy. I have had a spare key to her penthouse for over a year. I never abused it. Anything I did (beyond watering plants) was following texted requests or confirmation from my FP. Not in writing? No.

Nothing comes back to bite me.
I've never doubted you weren't aware and careful to the situation, you're smart.
And you're right to do the bare minimum, just in case, even if conflicting and hard, you must try to put your mental health as a priority.
I would let your FP settle the matter with the daughter for a while, see how it goes, so as not to burden too much on your shoulders, which wouldn't be fair.

My comment about the close relationship was not intended as an insult, I genuinely have never been able to have/feel such a bond, and I wonder why/how at times.
But I know that in bpd that's important and helpful I can understand that, moreover, who wouldn't want to be your friend anyway? : )
Hope this helps
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I've never doubted you weren't aware and careful to the situation, you're smart.
And you're right to do the bare minimum, just in case, even if conflicting and hard, you must try to put your mental health as a priority.
I would let your FP settle the matter with the daughter for a while, see how it goes, so as not to burden too much on your shoulders, which wouldn't be fair.

My comment about the close relationship was not intended as an insult, I genuinely have never been able to have/feel such a bond, and I wonder why/how at times.
But I know that in bpd that's important and helpful I can understand that, moreover, who wouldn't want to be your friend anyway? : )
Hope this helps
Thank you! I never took your comment about the close relationship as an insult at all. I actually am angry at MYSELF for giving so much power over my mental stability to this one person. Power they don't even know they have! (she knows I have BPD but not that she's my FP)

It's my choice to give her that control, and I hate that I do it. I HATE feeling angry. And I think...so don't! Just don't! But I can't help it. Because of the BPD, without an FP, I'd be even more bored and empty inside.

You know how a while back I said I only care about / love a few people? She's one of them. UNFORTUNATELY! lol
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Thank you! I never took your comment about the close relationship as an insult at all. I actually am angry at MYSELF for giving so much power over my mental stability to this one person. Power they don't even know they have! (she knows I have BPD but not that she's my FP)

It's my choice to give her that control, and I hate that I do it. I HATE feeling angry. And I think...so don't! Just don't! But I can't help it. Because of the BPD, without an FP, I'd be even more bored and empty inside.

You know how a while back I said I only care about / love a few people? She's one of them. UNFORTUNATELY! lol
I'm glad I wasn't misunderstood.
Sorry for the strange situation that has arise between you and those two, but don't be angry at yourself, I imagine that like anything you count on to have strength and feel good, it's difficult to let go.
Maybe you should tell this other person on the forum your thoughts, be more open (but again you know best, I'm not an expert on the matter).
But I can understand if you are afraid of feeling vulnerable, I guess it's not easy.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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I'm glad I wasn't misunderstood.
Sorry for the strange situation that has arise between you and those two, but don't be angry at yourself, I imagine that like anything you count on to have strength and feel good, it's difficult to let go.
Maybe you should tell this other person on the forum your thoughts, be more open (but again you know best, I'm not an expert on the matter).
But I can understand if you are afraid of feeling vulnerable, I guess it's not easy.
Wait a sec, what other person on the forum? My FP is in "real life".

(My recent issues on here were just an annoyance. Not at all related to my FP)

My life is full of drama! lol
 
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