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How do you cope with your dark side? Trigger Warning - contains explicit aggression

I

Isaiah777

Active member
Joined
Apr 5, 2021
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32
Location
Garner
i'd like to share my story of how i went from living a violent lifestyle to being a compassionate, law-abiding citizen. I had a traumatic childhood from the age of 6 to around 10 years old. At first, me and my father had a good relationship. We ate at a restaurant, traveled to places, went to the barber, and so on. He was the first person to teach me how to love animals. These were the earliest memories I had of him.

One day, everything changed. My father changed completely. The first time he hit me, I was shocked. I didn't know how to handle it. Every time i disobeyed, he hit me with his hand or a belt. Sometimes, he hit me for no reason and laughed. We stopped spending time together. He verbally abused me too. He made me cry several times when he killed animals in front of me. When he abused my mom and sister, two of the closest people to me, I cried. When I came home from school, I cried when i found my toys destroyed. He did it because they were against his religious beliefs. He didn't let me enjoy anything he disliked. He often stopped me from spending time with friends and my brother.

I wondered if I really knew my father at all. I couldn't understand why he would do this to his family. I became so afraid of him. I thought if i just did what he asked, he would stop abusing me. Things didn't happen that way. He kept abusing me. I spent more time with my older brother because i saw him as more of a father figure than my own father. I was surprised and hurt to learn he was no better. He bullied me too. He spun me around almost non stop once. I begged him to stop and he wouldn't. I saw his face and he seemed angry. He left me so dizzy on the floor as I cried. When we were at the beach, he and his friend grabbed me then tossed me in a sand hole as a prank. One held me while my brother buried my legs in the sand. They ran to the car. I panicked and cried for help because i thought they were going to abandon me. Thankfully, one lady dug me out.

I clung to my mom for survival. She was one of the only people who treated me with kindness and love. I went to her for affection and support for everything. Once, i sprained my foot running. My parents got a friend to give me a foot massage. He was supposedly experienced in giving massages. We met in a private room at church. When the man started massaging my foot, i started feeling pain then the pain became much worse. I told my parents "it hurts!" The pain became so unbearable, i screamed and cried as loudly as i could. I begged this to stop. I cried out for help from anyone, even God. Even my parents felt very bad. My father grasped my chest in an attempt to comfort me. It felt like it lasted for hours. That same night as i was crying, my mother felt so bad - she said "i hope you get better so this won't happen again.." I couldn't understand why i had to suffer just to get better.

I remember my father tried to force me to take a shower. I told him the water is too cold as i cried. He didn't care. He just laughed like it was a joke and kept bathing me.

One night, I was sick and my father forced me to go to church with him. My mother pleaded with him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. My father took me to the car as I cried in pain. The only reason we went back home early was because someone told my father "your son is no condition to be here! He's sick! Take him home!" Another time, my mom told me she was going on a trip to see my brother who went to another state to study. I told her i wanted to go too because i wanted to get away from my father. One night, i woke up. I was shocked that my sister and mom were gone. I was left alone with my father. I was so devastated and afraid. It felt like I was going to die. In my head and heart, i screamed at my mom "you know i hate him so why did you leave me with him?!? Why did you leave me?! I will go through anything, but please don't leave me!" I cried like never before. These are the most painful memories i had as a child.

There were times i tried to tell my family how i felt, but people like my father and brother laughed at me. They mocked me. Once, me and my brother got in an argument. My feelings got hurt. When i expressed it, he made fun of me. In a rage and deep pain, i screamed in his face "i hate you!" He kept laughing. That was one of the first times hate was sown in my heart.

I reached a breaking point. I was too hurt. I thought "why didn't my parents protect me?!? They were supposed to love me! Why did everyone hurt me?!? Why me?!? What was so wrong with me?!?" Eventually, i learned the horrible truth that my father raped my mother and that's how i was born. There was a point when i believed no one loved me. I couldn't bear it. I didn't realize a monster was born deep inside of me from all the pain and helplessness i felt as a child. It was there to protect me from it all. If my father taught me one thing, it's you have to be more ruthless than everyone around you to survive. I never wanted to be a victim again. I never wanted to be helpless again.

I started abusing everyone around me. I've hit everyone in my family at least once. I've hurt my friends physically and emotionally. I just laughed like it was a joke. I destroyed stuff and aggressively got in their faces to scare them to doing what i wanted. I hated being told "no."

Sometimes, i tried to be clever. If i hit a girl in public, I knew people would try to stop me. If i just used psychological torture like make vague threats or taunts, no one took it seriously. I stared at girls with an evil look. They got so scared, they reported it to the teachers. All the teachers said was "stop that!" and after they left, i kept staring at my victims. Since i already hit them in private before, they knew i could do it again.

At school, some kids hurt my feelings so i tried to attack them. Some people held me back and tried to resolve conflict. They said "let's talk things out!" I yelled "i'm not with the talking! They have to suffer!" I saw the fear in the kids faces as i aggressively stared at them and tried to attack them. Sometimes, i hurt people so badly that even my friends thought i was going too far.

The teachers punished me by isolating me from everyone else. Each time i hit my sister, my father hit me. I hit my mother once and in anger, she hurt me worse.

After abusing people in public, some pulled me aside and said stuff like "what's wrong with you?!? You have no business hurting people like that especially family!" I laughed and said "so? They hurt me so i'ma hurt em back." They said "you have no right to hurt others! They're human beings with rights just like you!" I pretended i didn't care and walked away out of pride, but that would affect me later. There were no rights in my home for me. It seemed as if all of the adult family members took advantage of me because i was a child.

It got to a point where punishments didn't hurt me anymore. People thought they could scare me straight with pain and punishment, but it only made the monster inside of me stronger. Once, me and my sister played in the pool. She splashed me playfully and innocently then something snapped in me. When i turned to look at her, she was afraid. It's like the monster took control of my body. I was so shocked. I had gone too far this time. We both sat in the pool trying to process what happened. How could I even think of hurting those closest to me?!? She didn't do anything wrong to me so why would I try to kill her?!?

It happened again later. I got so enraged, i tried to harm her. My parents rushed out in shock. My mom told me "what are you doing?!? Don't you realize you could kill your sister?!?" When my father slapped my hand, i could sense his fear. He realized he was losing control over me. Violence wasn't working anymore. For the first time, my father was afraid of me and I loved it. I had become worse than him. He realized if i could kill my sister, i could kill him too. No matter how abusive he was to me, he wouldn't kill his own son. He loved him even if it was in his own sick and twisted way.

When there's no love and hate in your heart, you would be surprised what you're capable of doing. For years, i struggled accepting this monster inside of me full of rage and hate. This monster didn't care who it hurt or how, including those closest to me. If you have no friends or family, no one can hurt you. The monster in me had nothing to lose. It wanted to be the toughest, most ruthless, violent, and cruel person out there. People couldn't intimidate it even if they were more violent and powerful. The monster in me was willing to do whatever it took to destroy them. Why? Because when it saw them, it saw my father. It would use the pain, rage, and helplessness i felt as a child to be the most feared. That kind of person is the most dangerous.

I hated myself for who i was and the wrong i did. Despite everything i've done, I was still human. I remember getting in trouble once and a teacher asked me to come up to her. She said "you're a very nice boy" which shocked me. I felt she was one of the few people who cared about me. I wanted to prove her wrong because i hated myself for being weak so i kept being disruptive in class. She firmly said "if you don't stop, i'm going to suspend you!" I was shocked. For a while, i stopped using violence because i didn't want her to give up on me.

There were times when me and my family tried to leave my father. When she said "we're leaving him", I was so glad. We moved around the city on the streets, staying at hotels, figuring out where we were going. I was scared because my father went around looking for us. Unfortunately, he found us and begged my mom to go back to him. They argued and she finally gave into his demands. I was so hurt, devastated, and angry at her. I couldn't believe she went back to him. I resented her for that and lost trust in her. We tried multiple times to leave him and failed because she did what he wanted.

i almost killed my father. He was working in our backyard and asked me to bring him something. The moment i touched it, rage took over. It felt like the monster took over my body and stalked him from afar. I wanted to harm him and roar as loudly as i could. Before i could, a voice in my head said "don't do it.." I thought "this is the only way to end his abuse..my mom tried separating from him and it didn't work.." It replied "you're going to prison if you do this..you'll hurt your family even more because they'll lose you..i know you're going through hell now and see no way out, but there's a better way out..be patient.." After i calmed down, i handed him what he had asked for and walked away.

Years later, that voice was right. My mom finally mustered up the courage to leave him for good. I thought it was all over. I thought i could just forget about the past and move on. I had no idea the aftermath of what happened would be the darkest period of my life. I had to deal with the scars he inflicted on my family. Though i stopped being violent, i didn't realize i was like a ticking bomb. If i didn't get help, the monster in me would control me and i'd end up in prison for taking out what happened to me on others.

I felt God speak to me. I claimed to be Christian before, but I never was one. I only claimed to be one because my father forced me. I learned about how God sent his only son, Jesus, to suffer and die to save humanity from their sins. Despite all the torture his enemies inflicted on him, he said "father forgive them for they know not what they do." His message was based on love and compassion for one another. I remembered all the people i hurt and cried out of guilt. I asked God to forgive me of all of my sins and change my heart. It felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders and i was never the same since. Years later, I apologized to my sister for all the wrong I've done. We cried and reconciled.

Becoming who i am today was almost impossible until i reached a point where i had to love myself. I imagined my adult self hugging myself when i was a hurt child. I hugged the child who believed no one loved him. I said "i love you! Someone did want you! You might've been born out of rape! Your family may not have loved you the way they should have! They may not have protected you the way they should have, but someone wanted you! Someone loved you!" I cried like never before. Those were the most healing words i've ever heard of.

Despite the hell i went through, i never gave up on my soul. My heart became filled with hope, love, and compassion for people. Love can change the hardest of hearts. My hope is that my story will inspire you and bring that same hope to you too. There's hope of a better life. No matter what happens, you can overcome anything if you have love in your heart.
 
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