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How do you boost your self view?

Talina

Talina

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Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here.

Don't really know if I have depression and I might be posting in the wrong forum. But I would be really grateful if a few could spare a bit of time and answer my questions.

I don't have a good self view about myself and my self confidence dosen't exist. I can find myself unknowlingly find wrong with people instead of seeing the good, which make me have quite the negative view and can say mean comments. I would never say any mean comments upfront to a person but I hate that I think that way, just because I don't like myself.

I know you need to love yourself to be able to love other, so I have kept away from dating these few years and I don't need to hurry. I had one serious "relationship" if you can say so, but for me it was not that serious, it was just an escape. Not going to deep into it, I ended it after my ex tried to control my life and hit my bunny which was pushing my bottom line. Because no one can say anything bad about my sibblings or miss treat my pets, that's when you step on my bottom line. But when it comes to me, I don't really care how I am treated because I have such a low self esteem. I just think that's what I deserve to be treated.

How do you build your self view in the best way and how can I change all the negative thoughts that keep on haunting me. Most of the thoughts that haunt me are things people have told me for many years. If a person say something positive to me and compliments me I don't believe them, I just find it being a lie because myself can't see it.
 
B

Black Despondency

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Talking with a psychologist is a good start if you can. I think medications should be used as a secondary treatment if the situation requires them. Is are there reasons you don't value yourself? If you want to private message me you can, but you will likely be able to get more advice and support if you post in your thread. I still have fairly low self esteem. My learning disabilities and different ways of learning, caused me to be put into special education, so I was either being bullied or looked down upon by others in school. I have also frequently bullied since then. I would have much preferred physical bullying, because of my physical stature. This is one of the problems among a giant number of other reason I don't value myself.
 
Talina

Talina

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Thanks for the tips @Black Despondency.

When I was a kid I had trouble with learning and was a bit slow, I'm still a slow learner. I had special teacher and the classes I had trouble with I had my own teachers. This made my parents to be disappointed with me, specially my mom. But my learning difficulty it's not my fault, it's something I inherited from my dad. So I often got physical and psychology abused by my mom while my dad just stood at the side. Sometimes he hid the rug whip, so I couldn't get hit too hard. So I never had a person as a kid to cry to and find comfort from, crying just made the beating worse. I learned to lie what happened at home and if I got any bruises.

I later got bullied but that class had a bullying culture, friends could act harsh towards each other and if you didn't want to be hit, you needed to stay low. I already had a fear of causing conflicts and had fears of people getting too close to me. So I only got psychology bullying with talking behind my back and spreading rumours, I wanted to skip school but handling school was better than handling how my mom would treat me if I skipped.

I had trouble with my fears of people getting too close to me, so that I always started to cold sweat when I was in school and it was quite bad. So the childhood friends at that time, pulled away from me, they thought it was disgusting. I can perfectly understand that, so I kept my distance more and became even more quiet.

I later learned how to handle my fears a bit, so it don't control me too much and have found a few cooping mechanism to handle it in every day, so it don't restrict me as much as it did before.

My mom stopped hitting me when I was 15, but she still say harsh comments, always complain about my weight, how my apperance look and more. Even her friends tells me to lose weight, I listened once and lost weight to what I had before I got metabolism problem went down to 50 kg. But they still kept telling me to lose weight, I got tired of hearing it. I'm 1,72 and weight 60 kg now, my weight pendle sometimes because of my trouble with my metabolism but I love eating food. So I will not try again to lose weight and try to ignore the hurtful comments.

I also know I'm not accepted by my dads relatives they talk behind our backs and my dad can say hurtful comments, that's just because they are a bit racist and have a warped view about girls. I'm mixed, so half swedish and half asian, you really stick out among all the blonde and blue eyed relatives. I can perfectly understand why my mom don't like them so much and I never liked acting that I don't know what they think about our family.

So when you hear for many years that everything about yourself is bad and get hurtful comments, you start to believe them and it get stuck. It follow me like a shadow and when I find something look good or I feel a bit great, the negative thoughts over voice the good and make the small bit of confident become crushed again. So my self view is really bad and I can't love myself :/
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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Hi @Talina
Sorry to hear about your struggles they are familiar ones and there is hope to overcome these. You're not alone.

To change my habitual every day negative thinking it took time and work by paying attention to my thoughts with intent to let then come and go.

It was the letting them go part that offered the most resistance. That can be practiced.

I am not my thoughts, I never was. Neither are you. Voices internalized from external sources, we can divorce them which is possible when there's something to replace them with. They were never yours. They are not you.

I began the divorce by challenging negative thoughts. I noticed how when I had a positive thought or a compliment was paid to me, my brain said "yeah, but..." followed by a list of negative self images. So I began saying "yeah, but..." to all my negative thoughts - without exception. That exercise prompted balance - not disregard - for both negative or positive thoughts.

Wishing you some relief from the battles in your mind. And I'd like to start you on the road to balancing your thoughts with this: it's to your credit that you are now fighting those battles here in the open. For now our voices can join yours in the fight against negative self image.
 
Blooming

Blooming

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:hug: I think it will be good for you to talk to a psychologist, Talina. In addition you may perhaps walk into a bookstoer and see if they have any self-help books that seem atractive to you! If you buy one, stick to your reading plan ...
 
Faith198

Faith198

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I’m sorry about all the things you’ve had to go through. I think talking to someone would help a lot. Also, my mom use to tell me to fake it til I make it. The more I did that, the more I started to believe it.
 
Talina

Talina

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Thanks for the tips @Bizzarebitrary and thanks for the encouragement. I'll do my best trying to change my self image and become a better person.
 
Talina

Talina

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I have been trying to do as your mother told you @F9819, it have helped a bit to ignore and helped me to go out. But often I just space out or let my thoughts go to another space/ day dreaming, to handle things. My closest friend know that I am prone to space out with my thoughts.
 
Talina

Talina

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:hug: I think it will be good for you to talk to a psychologist, Talina. In addition you may perhaps walk into a bookstoer and see if they have any self-help books that seem atractive to you! If you buy one, stick to your reading plan ...
I'll try to reach out to a psychologist after I have built up a bit of economy to pay for one. Thanks for the tips about finding a book :)
 
Faith198

Faith198

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I have been trying to do as your mother told you @F9819, it have helped a bit to ignore and helped me to go out. But often I just space out or let my thoughts go to another space/ day dreaming, to handle things. My closest friend know that I am prone to space out with my thoughts.
yeah I understand, it will take some time. In the meantime, I wish you the best:)
 
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