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How do I understand what these feelings really mean?

T

Teapotty

New member
Joined
Jun 3, 2010
Messages
1
My closest friend for the last 4 years - a man, has just met another woman and is comtemplating a relationship with her. I have had a very unexpected and emotional response which although possibly predictable has shocked me completely. My behaviour has been appauling and I am going between declaring my love and commitment to him to laying down ultimatums saying I can't be his friend anymore and I really don't know which are my genuine feelings. Having been hurt in the past I know I keep everyone at arms length to protect myself.

How do I work out whether these overwhelming feelings of love I am experiencing are genuine or just created by the fear of losing someone I care deeply for. I am by nature a control freak and my behaviour has been completely manic - sweeping between terrible anger, great sadness, inconsolable, huge anxiety and heart palpitations. I have taken antidepressants for the last four years but before all this happened I was feeling great and was weaning myself off them.

I hate the fact that I can't resolve in my own head what my genuine feelings are I am struggling to give the situation any space and time due to my complete compulsion to keep getting in touch with him to discuss my latest emotional state and see how he is! Poor guy I must be driving him insane. I certainly feel like i've lost it.

Any ideas?
 
M

maudikie

Guest
Poor teapotty.You must be feeling awful.
My only suggestion is that you get this man that you think you love, but seem unsure, to sit down with you and talk things through. It is not fair to eirther of you not to know where you stand. Ask him if he intends to leave you, and if so ask him to do so as soon as possible, then you can get on with your own life. If he is not going to leave you, insist that he stops seeing the other woman, as it is not fair to her either.It sounds to me as though he is very selfishand wants the best of both worlds.
Why are y ou taking anti-depressnts? Have you had a diagnosis? Are you in contact with the Mental Health Tean in our area? If so, ask them to visit, as they should be giving you some support.
Best wishes, and take care.
 
ally41

ally41

Well-known member
Joined
May 21, 2010
Messages
788
Location
UK
As you've found out to your cost, antidepressants cannot cure these kind of deep rooted conflicts. I have had similar experiences with indecision and confusion and art therapy has really helped me. I no longer take meds to try and hide my psychological problems, I take issues to theraoy and work through them to do exactly what you want to do, to find out what I really want. The process is long and arduous, but it gradually starts working and I'm much better able to know what I want now than I used to be.

If you are in conflict with your feelings about this man, then parts of you are feeling different things. In order to make relationships work, then all the parts of us have to be singing from the same sheet as it were. I would strongly advise you to work on yourself first before diving in to something that could go horribly wrong. You have a sound friendship, why would this change just because he is in a relationship? Remember, true love is selfless, if you are not in a position to wholly commit to loving him, then you should want him to be happy with someone who can. Also, if he was sure about you, wouldn't he have asked you out himself? Stay friends and work on your own head, the future is not set in stone and your time with him may come, if you and he still wants it to.
 
ally41

ally41

Well-known member
Joined
May 21, 2010
Messages
788
Location
UK
Also, why do you think that only one set of feelings are 'genuine' They all belong to you, just different parts of you. We are made up of many parts and when these parts are split, as they are in mental illnesses, there's no such thing as 'I' Only when we do therapy to reintegrate the parts can we be more balanced and sure of ourselves as whole beings. Good luck.
 

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