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How do I support someone with depression?

H

HD2

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Thank you to anyone who reads this, it’s a really long story but I wondered when you’re at your lowest is there anything someone can do to help you or anything that irritates you?
my partner has really bad depression after losing both parents, job issues from covid and has cut off all friends. We live together but he won’t even talk to me or look in my direction. I get worried I’m either doing something wrong or by trying to help makes it worse but then if I stay in the bedroom as requested am I then not there enough?
I honestly feel like I can’t win and occasionally have a cry to make me feel a little better. I have really bad health and unable to work so I didn’t know who I could talk to about it all
 
M

Miho

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Welcome to the forum. There are many people here that know what its like so you are more then welcome to talk about it here.

The terrible thing I have is that its not always the same. What might help one day is counterproductive the next. So I would say try to ask your partner what he thinks.
But also set your own boundries. You are coming from a position of love and care to help him. But not at your own cost.
 
H

HD2

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Welcome to the forum. There are many people here that know what its like so you are more then welcome to talk about it here.

The terrible thing I have is that its not always the same. What might help one day is counterproductive the next. So I would say try to ask your partner what he thinks.
But also set your own boundries. You are coming from a position of love and care to help him. But not at your own cost.
When I asks all he says is peace but won’t say anything else. I did think about going to visit my family but they are over 300 miles away and I’m disabled so the drive will cause lots of pain. But maybe I should try incase it would help him.I do worry if I go see my family it may make him worse.
It’s so strange because we’ve been together over 10 years and never really argue.
 
M

Miho

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The thing is indeed if that will help him? I am no expert. But is this what he wants or what the depression tells him he wants?
 
H

HD2

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The thing is indeed if that will help him? I am no expert. But is this what he wants or what the depression tells him he wants?
He’s always liked to sit in silence no tv, no radio on just everything quiet. Do you think I should go see my family, give him peace and fingers crossed it makes him feel better?
 
N

NewStarter

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Regular cups of tea or just general looking after him will help alot
 
G

Gratefultobewell

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Does he see a dr? If not, or even if so, maybe you could gently suggest that he go, or to a therapist.
 
H

HD2

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Does he see a dr? If not, or even if so, maybe you could gently suggest that he go, or to a therapist.
No he doesn’t I have tried suggesting on a few occasions and explained I’d once had to speak to someone in hope it wouldn’t make him feel ashamed as he once had said before. Once he spoke to a counsellor but for only one session and wouldn’t go back because it made him feel worse. I did also suggest talking to our GP but he refuses to go and just says he’s too f*** up. I’m worried if I push too hard then he will back off even more
 
G

Gratefultobewell

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I think it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. In the end you have to take care of yourself, even if it means leaving the relationship. Remember the saying, if you are on a plane you need to put your own oxygen on first before helping anyone else.
 
T

toto

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Maybe you ask him what he thinks his parents would think, what they would tell him if he experienced their loss that way? It took me 5 years to get used to the idea that my father had died. And I still feel bitter when I tell myself he's not here. In fact, nothing is the same after he dies. And yet ... the setting at home was always that no matter what happened, you had to keep living. It's nice to talk about him sometimes, even though my mother scolds me and tells me not to think too much and move on without so much sadness. Maybe if you talk to him about them?
 
M

Mistral

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I think it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. In the end you have to take care of yourself, even if it means leaving the relationship. Remember the saying, if you are on a plane you need to put your own oxygen on first before helping anyone else.
Yes you cannot care for someone without being in good condition yourself. Make sure that you are in that good condition. That might mean making sure that you are being treated well by a network that is outside the home.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Depression is an illness that can be worse than some physical ailments for which many people quickly seek medical help, if not a doctor then at least something from the drugstore. Most of us won't tolerate a headache for more than a few hours and then we'll take pills for it.

Is he aware that he has a serious medical condition that won't simply just go away any time in the near future? I don't understand why people choose to suffer instead of getting help for their illness, when help is available. Does he think he deserves to suffer? I understand that depression can lead to some really dark thoughts, that's what makes it dangerous, and why getting help is necessary.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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For me the worst thing anyone can do when I am depressed is fuss over me or try to “make me happy” or “cheer me up.” When depressed I like to spend time alone with my feelings. What is most appreciated is space and knowing that the other person is there for me. Beyond that you could always ask him if there is anything you can do to make things better or to help him. Just stay in touch this way. I hope his condition improves soon. xo, j
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Depression is an illness that can be worse than some physical ailments for which many people quickly seek medical help, if not a doctor then at least something from the drugstore. Most of us won't tolerate a headache for more than a few hours and then we'll take pills for it.

Is he aware that he has a serious medical condition that won't simply just go away any time in the near future? I don't understand why people choose to suffer instead of getting help for their illness, when help is available. Does he think he deserves to suffer? I understand that depression can lead to some really dark thoughts, that's what makes it dangerous, and why getting help is necessary.
Perhaps the stigma of mental illness is preventing him from seeking help.
 
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