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How do I recover from awful periods of fearful ruminating on past high school bully and my embarrassments?

L

Loyalgooner

Member
Joined
Jul 15, 2017
Messages
7
hey guys

I hope all is well with you these days, and everyone is as strong as can be.

I really need some help and advice on an issue which I feel maybe PTSD although there is assurance or diagnosis on this.

it's more due to the fact every so often I experienced periods of of extreme rumination on fear over my past high school bully who actually threatened me. Trouble is when I try to explain all this to anyone, it's complicated and long because I made mistakes in high school which I I remember and wish I could crawl into a ball and never come out again from.

No I am 28 and working as an engineer in a good job that I enjoy, for some reason over the past maybe 8 to 10 years, I have gone through episodes of extreme fear and worry which exhaust me me when I remember my bully who used to to pester me almost everyday for 3 years.

Whats frustrating is he picked on me is actually my fault because when I was in school I got in fights where I lost them by why slapping instead of punching which of course everybody laughed at.

I know this sounds really silly and you will probably all laugh at me even more, but the trouble is after that happened he picked on me every single day saying how I was a little b***h, to the point where eventually I had enough and told him if he didn't stop I would get my brother who is a gangster to sort him out.

Now looking back I could kick myself in the ass inside out for saying such a thing because as it turns out and I suspected then and knew that he was actually a type of gangster. so he just laughed in my face and then proceeded to threaten me more and see that he would bring my ass down and I have messed with the wrong guy.

At the time I didn't really think about it much, but over these past few years these memories are coming back and making me fear for my life.

Because in the back of my head I always remember that threat which was not a joke and makes me feel totally helpless embarrassed regretful and on top of that impending doom if you know what I mean if I ever saw him again.

As you'd expect whenever I remember that time I remember the other stupid mistakes I made which were very avoidable is there any way to at least overcome this to live a normal life again as I'm exhausted everyday from this rumination.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,206
Location
London, ON
In general, only we remember times we embarassed ourselves. all you can do is remind yourself it's in the past, and you learned from the experience.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
2,538
Location
United States
hey guys

I hope all is well with you these days, and everyone is as strong as can be.

I really need some help and advice on an issue which I feel maybe PTSD although there is assurance or diagnosis on this.

it's more due to the fact every so often I experienced periods of of extreme rumination on fear over my past high school bully who actually threatened me. Trouble is when I try to explain all this to anyone, it's complicated and long because I made mistakes in high school which I I remember and wish I could crawl into a ball and never come out again from.

No I am 28 and working as an engineer in a good job that I enjoy, for some reason over the past maybe 8 to 10 years, I have gone through episodes of extreme fear and worry which exhaust me me when I remember my bully who used to to pester me almost everyday for 3 years.

Whats frustrating is he picked on me is actually my fault because when I was in school I got in fights where I lost them by why slapping instead of punching which of course everybody laughed at.

I know this sounds really silly and you will probably all laugh at me even more, but the trouble is after that happened he picked on me every single day saying how I was a little b***h, to the point where eventually I had enough and told him if he didn't stop I would get my brother who is a gangster to sort him out.

Now looking back I could kick myself in the ass inside out for saying such a thing because as it turns out and I suspected then and knew that he was actually a type of gangster. so he just laughed in my face and then proceeded to threaten me more and see that he would bring my ass down and I have messed with the wrong guy.

At the time I didn't really think about it much, but over these past few years these memories are coming back and making me fear for my life.

Because in the back of my head I always remember that threat which was not a joke and makes me feel totally helpless embarrassed regretful and on top of that impending doom if you know what I mean if I ever saw him again.

As you'd expect whenever I remember that time I remember the other stupid mistakes I made which were very avoidable is there any way to at least overcome this to live a normal life again as I'm exhausted everyday from this rumination.
I'll apologise before I start speaking...I am so sorry. If I were an engineer everyone could basically kiss my ass. I would even pay the bully to do it😋 I'd give him $500 to whine his hips and say, "I'm a little bitch." I would even pay someone he would never hurt to call him a little bitch.

Okay now that I'm done with that,. I usually speak from experience. My trauma is from rape. A few days ago someone was playing with me and he put my ankles over his shoulders I had to actually put my hands on the front of him and push him away from me. Since then I have been experiencing fear of rape. He was going to fight me from pushing him away and he grabbed my wrist but then he stopped. What helps me is to snap out of it whenever I can and try to keep myself safe in my surroundings and think about something else. It might not be the best coping mechanism, but it stops the fright for me. Good luck 💕
 
C

Christinebell

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Spain
hey guys

I hope all is well with you these days, and everyone is as strong as can be.

I really need some help and advice on an issue which I feel maybe PTSD although there is assurance or diagnosis on this.

it's more due to the fact every so often I experienced periods of of extreme rumination on fear over my past high school bully who actually threatened me. Trouble is when I try to explain all this to anyone, it's complicated and long because I made mistakes in high school which I I remember and wish I could crawl into a ball and never come out again from.

No I am 28 and working as an engineer in a good job that I enjoy, for some reason over the past maybe 8 to 10 years, I have gone through episodes of extreme fear and worry which exhaust me me when I remember my bully who used to to pester me almost everyday for 3 years.

Whats frustrating is he picked on me is actually my fault because when I was in school I got in fights where I lost them by why slapping instead of punching which of course everybody laughed at.

I know this sounds really silly and you will probably all laugh at me even more, but the trouble is after that happened he picked on me every single day saying how I was a little b***h, to the point where eventually I had enough and told him if he didn't stop I would get my brother who is a gangster to sort him out.

Now looking back I could kick myself in the ass inside out for saying such a thing because as it turns out and I suspected then and knew that he was actually a type of gangster. so he just laughed in my face and then proceeded to threaten me more and see that he would bring my ass down and I have messed with the wrong guy.

At the time I didn't really think about it much, but over these past few years these memories are coming back and making me fear for my life.

Because in the back of my head I always remember that threat which was not a joke and makes me feel totally helpless embarrassed regretful and on top of that impending doom if you know what I mean if I ever saw him again.

As you'd expect whenever I remember that time I remember the other stupid mistakes I made which were very avoidable is there any way to at least overcome this to live a normal life again as I'm exhausted everyday from this rumination.
You should never be embarrassed about a situation ever, even with it being in high school you grow as a person from learning from mistakes and these are the times you will learn from the most, I know it’s not as easy as someone giving you there opinion and you feeling ok, I do think you accepting the person you was and realizing how much you have grown from that and understanding situations differently will help and also with bully’s it says a lot more about them then it does you, hope you are ok x
 
W

Wanttofeelpeace5

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
672
Location
New zealand
don't be or feel embarassed for how you reacted to someone bullying you. there is no right or wrong way to react to bullying as you are the person that has been made to fight or flight by wrongful actions of someone else. .. take care of yourself and dont beat yourself up over somebody elses issues .
 
K

khuang

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
858
Location
Avenue Q in the US
For me personally, talking about my traumatic high school experience with my therapist helps alleviate a lot of the hurt and anger I have had stored up inside of me. At first I would lash out whenever someone kept taunting me and bullying me and then somehow they were the victim and it was all my fault. The school psychologist even wrote down that I “wasn’t taking responsibility” for my failures (which were caused by bullies because they kept distracting me in class to the point I had trouble focusing or make me do all of the work on a group project) and outbursts. No one ever asked for my side of the story. I eventually gave up on standing up for myself because there was no point if no one could see that the bullying wasn’t my fault at all and that I needed some intervention to stop it. Venting all my frustrations with my therapist has made some of the bad memories go away but there’s so much left behind that I still need help getting over it. Some people think that I need to grow up and forget about the horrible experiences I encountered while in school but it definitely isn’t that easy. Without my therapist I would have snapped a long time ago and probably would have done something really drastic.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
4,167
Location
Nashua NH
You should never fear judgement for anything you might say here, first of all. We are all here to support people not to judge people. Everyone should feel safe to be as open as they care to be here without fearing some negative consequence so no worries there.

I think a lot was said and done in high school that we likely regret later. This is all a part of growing up and learning about ourselves. Looking back the fair thing to do is to forgive ourselves for any wrong doings because we were young and didn’t know better. It is possible that your bully regret some of the things he said and did then too.
Either that or it’s likely that he has forgotten about them. I doubt that he still harbors thoughts of bullying you or hurting you in some way. As for ruminations anti-depressants have helped me a lot with that. If these thoughts get to a point where they are interfering with your day to day life it would be a good idea to seek out therapy to manage it. You might tell your doctor about the ruminations and ask if there are any meds that might help with them. My psychiatrist prescribed them for me but still might be a good idea to see what your doctor says. I hope this is helpful. xo, j
 
L

Loyalgooner

Member
Joined
Jul 15, 2017
Messages
7
You should never fear judgement for anything you might say here, first of all. We are all here to support people not to judge people. Everyone should feel safe to be as open as they care to be here without fearing some negative consequence so no worries there.

I think a lot was said and done in high school that we likely regret later. This is all a part of growing up and learning about ourselves. Looking back the fair thing to do is to forgive ourselves for any wrong doings because we were young and didn’t know better. It is possible that your bully regret some of the things he said and did then too.
Either that or it’s likely that he has forgotten about them. I doubt that he still harbors thoughts of bullying you or hurting you in some way. As for ruminations anti-depressants have helped me a lot with that. If these thoughts get to a point where they are interfering with your day to day life it would be a good idea to seek out therapy to manage it. You might tell your doctor about the ruminations and ask if there are any meds that might help with them. My psychiatrist prescribed them for me but still might be a good idea to see what your doctor says. I hope this is helpful. xo, j
I agree fully thanks, trouble is I worry about my embarrassment that he witnessed and enhanced. Also the threat which he gave when I remember them being said it feels like yesterday which is more terrifying
 
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