How do I kick out someone on a ventilator?

[SunshineWoody]

Hello,

I'm kind of at my wits end here (actually several light years beyond) and need advice.

Back in October, the woman I am "with" (and have been "with" for 7 years) and I made some fundamental discoveries between ourselves. Basically, we really didn't have the relationship we thought we had - we are not emotionally close, there is no physical (or other) intimacy, no intellectual connection.

Before we broke it off, tho, something horrible happened: she came down with pneumonia. Long story short, we have been in hospitals for about three months now, and it has become VERY apparent why our relationship is broken. When other families have loved ones in the hospital, they visit as much as they can but go back home. She demands that I be at her beck and call 24/7, everything she needs I must do. This (not having clean clothes, etc) has caused health problems for me which I won't go into.

It now looks like she'll be on a ventilator for a long time, if not the rest of her life.... but I can't continue going on being her servant and slave. If we had real love, I would without a doubt... and I've lasted this long only because I am a "nice guy" and don't like seeing people in predicaments.

Her family is well known for melodrama. If I wanted to be a prick I would serve her with eviction papers (the house is in my name only). I am thinking about quitting my job, loading the dogs in the car (my dogs at least), and just letting the bank take the house and what happens happens. I need a 'good' way out of this though.

Sorry if I sound like an azz. I'm sure if others would walk in my shoes they'd feel the same way. I've spent 30 years of my life just giving and giving and giving to people and I'd like to be able to give to myself for a change.

 

[intelgal]

Sounds like you are ahving a really tough time. Having cared for people who spend months coming off ventilators I have seen extremaly demandin sides of there personality come through.

Its a toughie and can empathise with how you feel. YOu obviously care for this person very much but not in an intimate way. I dunno when the time is going to be right to approach splitting with her again and i fear you will feel like the bad guy for a long time. But you deserve happiness and I hope you find it

intel

 

[intelgal]

PS .. as for being there 24/7 this is unhealthy for you and her recovery. Speak with the nurses about what you feel about the constant visiting. They will be able to sort something. you need a break for your own sanity.

 

[SunshineWoody]

Thanks, IntelGal. It's getting complicated because insurance is going to kick her out of the hospital, into a nursing home, or we can have a ventilator in our home and the family can train on that. We are in CA in the US.

I think it's going to be monumentally harder to separate if she is at home, but putting her into a nursing home will simply break her.

 

[SimonB]

Hey

Hi,

I'm another nurse to, I currently work in ICU, you clearly have lots of emotions over things and your being asked to commit to something you feel you can't.

I agree with Intelgal on her advice, I just want to add don't take on a care committment if thats how you feel about it all. Caring for someone is not only a moral committment, its about the relationship you have with that person. Being the nice guy might do more harm than good.

Simon

 

[maudikie]

Simon B.

Go to see the Social worker in the Hospital and ask for an ASSESSMENT OF NEED - That is for your own needs. Be polite but very firm. Take care.

 

[Marie]

Hi,
Some people may not like my response.
You need to leave this person. I would speak to the family and explain your feelings. Then you need an action plan which will see you slowly taking a back seat and them taking over.
There is not point wasting your life. You will never be able to help anyone if you can’t take care of your own needs first.

 

[NrLondonGuy]

Obviously relaitonship issue and like me you wouldn't want to be a arse leaving her but you have to take teh view that if its damagin yoru life (which coudl in turn damage her lief) then there are actually NHS services that can take over yoru role to get her adequate help. I mean not veryone in her oncdition has a partner and the NHS has to look after them. Don't feel bad (even though I owudl too - that kind of person). YOu have to do what best for BOTH of you and teh NHS will look after her in your place. Maybe not as much much as much as they see she needs. Sound like you coudl do with osm ehelp also.

I am sure she knows whats right for both of you too she just ma be a bit scared of not being bale to do stuff have someone but if she knows NHS can take care of her that wil make her feel better and sure deep down if she knows it was not working she woudl not want you to be her slave forever. Just she needs to know about NHS supoprt then she won;t feel so dependent on you?

 

[maudikie]

To Sunshine woody.

Have you thought of asking Socil Services for help with the household as it sounds as though your partner is not well. Has she seen the doctor? Perhaps you could between you work out a time-table as to when you can be with her, and when you need time alone. You should ask for a carer's break, and for a carer's assessment of need.
Best wishes. Take deep breaths and try to get it worked out.

 

[philmriv]

I hear you.

I had a roommate develop terminal lung cancer and I had to care for him.

VERY time consuming. Very, very challenging.

**I would keep working at finding other resources for her.

You don't owe her a permanent home, but you'll feel better if you kind of 'help' her out of your living space-- (by continuing to network for better resources for her, **elsewhere**).

Those are my thoughts anyway. Good luck-- that's not easy.

.

Hello,

I'm kind of at my wits end here (actually several light years beyond) and need advice.

Back in October, the woman I am "with" (and have been "with" for 7 years) and I made some fundamental discoveries between ourselves. Basically, we really didn't have the relationship we thought we had - we are not emotionally close, there is no physical (or other) intimacy, no intellectual connection.

Before we broke it off, tho, something horrible happened: she came down with pneumonia. Long story short, we have been in hospitals for about three months now, and it has become VERY apparent why our relationship is broken. When other families have loved ones in the hospital, they visit as much as they can but go back home. She demands that I be at her beck and call 24/7, everything she needs I must do. This (not having clean clothes, etc) has caused health problems for me which I won't go into.

It now looks like she'll be on a ventilator for a long time, if not the rest of her life.... but I can't continue going on being her servant and slave. If we had real love, I would without a doubt... and I've lasted this long only because I am a "nice guy" and don't like seeing people in predicaments.

Her family is well known for melodrama. If I wanted to be a prick I would serve her with eviction papers (the house is in my name only). I am thinking about quitting my job, loading the dogs in the car (my dogs at least), and just letting the bank take the house and what happens happens. I need a 'good' way out of this though.

Sorry if I sound like an azz. I'm sure if others would walk in my shoes they'd feel the same way. I've spent 30 years of my life just giving and giving and giving to people and I'd like to be able to give to myself for a change.