- Aug 28, 2019
I'm 35, have a decent job that gets me to meet new and interesting people once in a while. Today was yet another opportunity to make new friendships and contacts. And yet again I messed up. I was debating with myself if to go meet a bunch of company guests I'm responsible for. I didn't have to because what I'm doing for them can be done remotely but I said to myself, hey, it's a good exercise, it's a very normal thing to go introduce myself, spend some time with them. By the time I got there I was already having that typical out of my own body feeling. I was talking fast, talking crap, saying weird stuff. Autopilot. A stupid one, if it was in a plane, it would crash it. I was unable to recognize people I've met before and could not get what they were talking about or hold a normal conversation. Then I started asking myself why I was there. Would have been more professional to stay invisible and just do my job keeping a low profile, I do my job well. Such a weirdo. Now they won't remember what I did for them professionally, they'll remember my weird social behaviour only. And I didn't look well, my hair was a mess, my clothing didn't flatter me. People remember such things, don't they, it's human nature. I excused myself and left. Don't remember the way home, felt so dizzy and exhausted. I reached my subway station and could not find the exit for 10 minutes. Started asking myself if this was my station, felt lost. I made it home and now I'm drinking. I don't look for a solution in alcohol. But I need to relax myself before I go to bed. Otherwise, even though I'm dead tired, I won't be able to sleep, I will start thinking of all I said and all I didn't and why I was the way I was, why could I not be just calm and nice and a good companion. I will start imagining how I quit my job and reinvent myself and never meet the same people again. Then I will figure out that, even if I start a brand new life, I will still be me, a weirdo. How do you treat social anxiety? Pushing myself to the limits, looking for social interaction, hoping I'd eventually learn - it doesn't work, I've tried so many times, I just feel worse and worse, and cause myself problems at work and in my private life.When you are 35, they no longer excuse you for being young and shy, they just start avoiding you. What do I do, where do I start? I don't want to be an extrovert and people magnet, just pleasant to interact with, just comfortable with myself. I'm fine at home. My husband says I'm smart and have a good (yet cynical) sense of humor. I love him. He's a people magnet. But we don't interact with people as a couple that often. I avoid it, I embarrass him with my behaviour, even though he's doing so much to help me out. How do I help myself? Where do I start?