How do I help my wife?

[vanish]

My was is diagnosed with anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder, but for the most part, is stable and is no longer considered 'ill enough' by doctors to warrant medication. The thing is although her moods can be mostly stable and she is my nominated carer (she receives an allowance from the government for providing me assistance when I am unwell), she continues on occasion to self harm. She has told me numerous times before that the injuries were caused by something else and has blatantly lied to me (probably in an effort to protect my mental health from anxiety). She sees a therapist once a fortnight for 90 minutes at a time but I worry. I know being secretive and often lying about the nature of the injury can be part and parcel of self harming behaviours, but I really want her to stop. She always feels depressed afterwards, especially after admitting the truth.
Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to tackle this? I find the harming behaviours only occur when she is worried about me or another close family member.

 

[shesfree]

My daughter has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, self harm, eating disorder, and the list goes on. I encourage you to research the work of addiction pioneer, Dr. Mark Gold. He and others have been treating patients with naltrexone, an addiction medication. For my daughter, a high dose worked extremely well, the most helpful treatment in 17 years of her struggle. It started to work very quickly. It is being used for what are known as process addictions or behavioral addictions. You will need to convince your doctor that it has been shown not to be toxic. So do your research and bring it to your next appointment.

 

[Foxjo]

I have found that self harm is very secretive and yes can bring feelings of guilt and depression afterwards. I know for me i tried not to self harm but the urge was overwhelming. I tried lots of distraction methods, sometimes that helped other times not. If only she could be honest with her therapist, that could really help. I know mine was non-judgemental and supportive and was a real help in stopping that behaviour.
It can become addictive too, sometimes like an ocd behaviour- if she self harms then "This" wont happen or for me it was if i self harmed then i would not take an OD (sort of compromise).

I know it must really worry you, sit her down and tell her that you are really worried about her and that by her not talking about it makes you more anxious and see if that leads to a conversation?
Hugs
Fox

 

[vanish]

I think I might encourage her to discuss this with her therapist, as after all, that's part of the reason she goes to therapy. She used to have an addiction to over the counter pain medication, almost to the point of ruining her liver, thankfully she has stopped that now.
She used to discuss self harm with her old therapist, but only if I sat in on the session. Now I consider what she discusses between her therapist and herself intensely private and don't sit in on sessions, she has stopped discussing the self harming behaviours.

 

[Sk_darling]

i am currently struggling with my partner who does not understand my mental health and definitely does not understand the self harming part. I've kept it a secret for a long time and they finally found out for the first time and it was a disaster. so the fact your willing to self educate means your heading in the right direction. its an unhealthy coping mechanism, but its also very real. just support her dont in any way shame the situation express your concern definitely, however please know the difference between that and making her feel like shes done something terribly wrong because trust me she knows... look up some alternatives that aren't as bad, ex: i have a rubber band around my wrist that i pop when i feel anxious.

 

[vanish]

Just thought I'd update the situation. I encouraged her today to open up to our GP about her self harming. She was really embarrassed but I sat there and encouraged her to talk about it. The GP is reluctant to put her back on medication for her BPD (she still regularly sees a therapist), so my wife has been referred to a private psychiatrist for review. She's nervous understandably, but I'm willing to support her in any way I can.

 

[Snowshoes68]

You are quite kind and caring. I think it's wonderful that you've appealed here for support. I use the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills workbook and would recommend that.

 

[Nukelavee]

As someone who mostly has self-harm under control..

For me, the urge comes from not being able to find a solution to an issue, and often because I feel bad because I can't help somebody else. It's almost like trying to make the emotional stress a simple physical pain.

Good advice has been given. She needs, I think, help in learning how to externalize and verbalize her pain or fear, in part, to rob it of it's import.

I think my meds help me with mine. I'm on pretty low doses of a couple things, plus a really tiny (2.5mg) of Rexulti (that's the brand name, I think). It seems to dull my emotions just a bit, a enough to let me see the wrongness of resorting to self harm more than I see the appeal.

She probably really feels likes she lets you down when she does it, which just causes a feedback loop. Keep being supportive and unjudgemental like you are.

 

[midnightphoenix]

vanish do you think it would help her to write down her feelings instead of doing self harms?

 

[vanish]

Just an update: She has an appointment with the psychiatrist on March 11. She wants me to sit in on the appointment because (and I forgot to mention this before now), my wife has a brain injury and cannot pronounce a lot of words (especially medications). So she is taking me for support not only on the emotional side of things but as a human post-it note of sorts.
She seems relieved by this almost and the amount of self harming has drastically reduced (it hasn't stopped but it is only here and there).
The other day, completely out of the blue, she presented me with her old diaries containing graphic descriptions of harm and also how she was at the time a voice hearer. I asked her if she still hears voices and she said "yeah occasionally". It opened up to an in depth conversation over a couple of days. I told her I was proud of her courage to be open with me about this. She replied it's high time I knew as I will find out in the appointment anyway and she thought it was better that she let me in on some of what happens for her and why she reacts the way she does. I feel blessed that she chose me to open up to as I was never going to force the issue. She has a lot of abandonment problems and paranoia surrounding imagined abandonment (she constantly thinks she will be left alone in life), but I've reassured her many times that I'm not going anywhere. I think she is beginning to slowly understand this, especially in light of this new information.

 

[midnightphoenix]

vanish your wife is so lucky to have you