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How do I help my brother :(

Eaze_

Eaze_

Active member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
42
Location
England
Hi guys, hope everyone is doing okay

I just registered to this forum today because I’ve been struggling a lot the past few months,

Reading some of your guys’ advice on the forum already is helpful but my situation is still a little different and I’m really at a lost at what to do and I guess I felt out of options so I want to try reaching out to people directly on here :/

I have been studying away at university but I live at home with my older brother who was diagnosed with depression 4 years ago and a few months ago was diagnosed with mania and schizophrenia also and has came back home from being sectioned recently..

While I’ve been away at uni things got really bad at home, my mums suffered a lot, and I now know my bro suffers so much too.

I always try my best to use advice I see, and be helpful, supportive, caring, as well as respecting of his own space.

I know I can’t go into too much detail right now in this one message because the situation is so long winded and has been years in the making

But I guess to my point is, how do I actually help someone suffering like this get better or make any changes to a lifestyle they can’t escape from because bad habits like sleeping patterns, isolation, aggression are so deep rooted

Conversations unfortunately just don’t work, ever since we were kids my brother is just isn’t the type to talk he’s so stubborn and abrasive to everyone. Nowadays I don’t know if it’s because of his illnesses he’s battling or if it is just his character.

He doesn’t respect me because I’m younger even though I’ve been through so much more life experience than him.

He doesn’t really respect my parents either, so I feel like it’s just a lose lose situation we’re all inevitably stuck in. I can’t talk to him because he doesn’t listen, but if I leave him alone completely nothing changes.

I know things just take time but it’s been over 4 years of constantly tip toeing and trying things, and I pride myself on being an empathetic selfless person, but his behaviour is just destroying me too.

I don’t know what to do, I know good advice is to always make sure the person knows they’re loved and show you care, but for those of you who have done that like me you must know too, it’s really hard to keep going and getting knocked back time and time again. I wanna help out but how do you help someone who doesn’t respect you? Someone who says they don’t care about how you feel? Every time you try.

I’m sorry this is so long, to anyone who reads all of this I’m really appreciative, and for any advice at all, it’d mean a lot to me. Thank you
 
Faith198

Faith198

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
832
Location
U.S.
it’s really sweet of you that you want to help him, a lot of people don’t have someone that genuinely cares. Tbh, I think you are doing all you can. Just listening to him if he needs to talk and just letting him know he is loved and cared for. My brother suffers from Bipolar and he can be kind of stubborn sometimes too. I had to realize I have to let some things go, that I can’t control everything. I can’t force him to listen to me just like you can’t force your brother to listen to you. I think everything you’re doing right now is perfect. I know I didn’t give a lot of new advice but I feel you. It is really hard.

I hope things start looking up soon.
 
Eaze_

Eaze_

Active member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
42
Location
England
it’s really sweet of you that you want to help him, a lot of people don’t have someone that genuinely cares. Tbh, I think you are doing all you can. Just listening to him if he needs to talk and just letting him know he is loved and cared for. My brother suffers from Bipolar and he can be kind of stubborn sometimes too. I had to realize I have to let some things go, that I can’t control everything. I can’t force him to listen to me just like you can’t force your brother to listen to you. I think everything you’re doing right now is perfect. I know I didn’t give a lot of new advice but I feel you. It is really hard.

I hope things start looking up soon.
Thank you for replying and taking your time to listen too that’s appreciated so much <3

It’s okay you didn’t say much new advice, just hearing that you can relate and giving me some support really means a lot <3

I feel really torn in myself whenever I try speak on the situation..

Because I feel so guilty and stupid for saying how it affects me also.. I feel like I need to talk to people who understand what’s it like to have someone close to them go through these things.. because without sounding selfish man.. the past 4 years have been really hard for me too, I’ve made so many sacrifices, and always try to be positive and help people, but I feel like I can never say how I feel
 
Faith198

Faith198

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 30, 2020
Messages
832
Location
U.S.
Thank you for replying and taking your time to listen too that’s appreciated so much <3

It’s okay you didn’t say much new advice, just hearing that you can relate and giving me some support really means a lot <3

I feel really torn in myself whenever I try speak on the situation..

Because I feel so guilty and stupid for saying how it affects me also.. I feel like I need to talk to people who understand what’s it like to have someone close to them go through these things.. because without sounding selfish man.. the past 4 years have been really hard for me too, I’ve made so many sacrifices, and always try to be positive and help people, but I feel like I can never say how I feel
no no, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I relate so much to what you’re saying. No, don’t feel guilty or stupid about it. It’s normal that you’re affected by what’s going on, it’s not easy. It’s stressful to deal with. You have to figure out a way to keep yourself calm and collected too which is hard.
 
B

Black Despondency

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Joined
Mar 29, 2020
Messages
234
Location
United states
Is there any one your brother might listen to that you could ask to talk to him without mentioning you ask them to? Don't be afraid to post more details. It can be difficult to try and separate mental illness from someones usually more rational self. When I am severely depressed for too long I become irritable, angry agitated and irrational. I hate myself the so I mostly just drown in my own spite.
 
Eaze_

Eaze_

Active member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
42
Location
England
no no, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I relate so much to what you’re saying. No, don’t feel guilty or stupid about it. It’s normal that you’re affected by what’s going on, it’s not easy. It’s stressful to deal with. You have to figure out a way to keep yourself calm and collected too which is hard.
Thank you! that means a lot to me, and I agree with what you’re saying too, I’m gonna keep trying my best, and I know it’s gonna be hard but hey that’s life right?

Thank you for understanding and lending a hand <3
 
Eaze_

Eaze_

Active member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
42
Location
England
Is there any one your brother might listen to that you could ask to talk to him without mentioning you ask them to? Don't be afraid to post more details. It can be difficult to try and separate mental illness from someones usually more rational self. When I am severely depressed for too long I become irritable, angry agitated and irrational. I hate myself the so I mostly just drown in my own spite.
Thank you for telling me I can open up more,

Honestly I don’t think there is, I know that a support worker is in touch now and again with him which is progress but it’s been stalled a little with COVID preventing visits atm..

Yeah it’s been really hard because while I was away studying I didn’t know the extent to how bad things were at home.. when he’s at his worst, he’s really violent and I’ve been made aware now of just how low he has been at times..

It wasn’t until sectioning that I found out I’m the person he respects the most out of my family so if it was anyone else other than the professionals I guess, it would be me.. which is a lot to deal with especially when real conversations can be non-existent most of the time.

I know when we spend time together it’s good and I know I should do more to do that and make an effort, it’s just hard to be the person pushing it consistently when I don’t feel like I’m in a good enough position myself to be that strong person to always socialise,

Yeah I go back n forth a lot in mind, and no matter how bad his behaviour makes me feel, I know ultimately it’s affecting him more and like you said when you have those peak spikes of depression you feel like you’re drowning yourself so I know I can’t change a person directly but try my best to be there for support when he’s good.

Honestly if it’s okay, it’d be good to have some advice of what you like those around you to do? When you feel that way or you feel angry or irritated, how can those around you help?
Thank you💜
 
B

Black Despondency

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Mar 29, 2020
Messages
234
Location
United states
I have basically sacrificed the past 6+ years of my life and mental health to help take care of my two second cousins. I have done everything I can manage to maintain my composure and not yell or do any corporeal punishment. When you're eight year old second cousin with dirtbags parent jail birds tries to physical assault their great grandmother that's dying of chronic lungfailure you pinch their little ears because there so cute and ask them if they like being hurt and if want to kill their great grandmother.
 
B

Black Despondency

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Messages
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United states
They torture me. Hahaha Help drive me places, cook, clean, bring me to my appointments and try not to have a mental breakdown and yell at me.
 
B

Black Despondency

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One of the things I found most irritating was when the answer (I'm depressed because I'm mentally ill.) was incomprehensible to certain people and they kept asking what's wrong. A lot of my problems are psychological, but if my brain is too fried and my medications aren't working trying to remind me about something upsetting isn't helpful.
 
Eaze_

Eaze_

Active member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
42
Location
England
One of the things I found most irritating was when the answer (I'm depressed because I'm mentally ill.) was incomprehensible to certain people and they kept asking what's wrong. A lot of my problems are psychological, but if my brain is too fried and my medications aren't working trying to remind me about something upsetting isn't helpful.
Thank you for your replies!
No matter how much you’ve been through personally You sound like a really self-less person and man it’s inspiring and I’m glad I met you today!

Thank you for being so open and sharing too it’s really helpful for me, yeah I think even though sometimes it may seem obvious to put two and two together, I still forget just how much a toll mental illness can play on someone,

I think what you’ve shared will help me, and I hope too that things go well for you! Wishing you the best for the future and thanks again for listening to me and wanting to help, means a lot <3
 
B

Black Despondency

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Messages
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You're welcome.🙂 I need to sleep. I will try to he help more tomorrow if you want me to. I have found sleep to be a vital part of maintaining my brain functioning. :sleepy2: Helping people gives me a purpose in life.
 
Eaze_

Eaze_

Active member
Joined
Jun 2, 2020
Messages
42
Location
England
You're welcome.🙂 I need to sleep. I will try to he help more tomorrow if you want me to. I have found sleep to be a vital part of maintaining my brain functioning. :sleepy2: Helping people gives me a purpose in life.
No worries☺ Have a good night✨, that’s true good sleep is so underrated when you can get it, and yeah for sure :) it’s really nice having people who want to help out!

Wanting to help people is such a good quality to have and definitely one that a lot of people need rn with how crazy the world is😓
 
L

linus

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Mar 27, 2019
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Help him feel safe, trust his environment, show him love (by hugging as much as possible, every day, like a ritual). It will take a lot of time to really change anything, expect months to years.
 
K

karl7

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Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
540
schizophrenia is a tough illness, and so is depression.....when i look back on my life i would have liked my family to be more understanding, like depression is a big downer.....i would explain to others that depression is not sadness, its different than that, like i said i had depression in my early 20's but i wasnt sad at all, i would have had a good life if depression didnt come after me.....depression happened to me as a result of bullying suffered at high school....the depression was so intense, its an awful mood which had me very suicidal.... as i said i didnt see depression as sadness, it was just a by product of all the suffering i had at school, if the moods didnt come my way i would have had a good life.....

then at 26 i got schizophrenia, it was bloody awful.....schizophrenia is like having a bad dream while awake.....it is so intense......it ruins your life......its hard to bounce back......im 44 now and still suffer from it.....with the right meds i now am able to get out and about but it does take quite a bit of time to find the right med combo

i hope things imprrove for your brother.......just be more unsderstanding and dont give lectures to him on how to live life.....that is one thing my brother did to me and it just wrecked our relationship......trust me schizophrenia is one illness you'd rather not get.......in my opinion id rather have ended up in a wheelchair than to have gotten schizpohrenia
 
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