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How do I even start...

Wolfrik Severin

Wolfrik Severin

New member
Joined
May 24, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Iowa, USA
I have no idea how to even begin, so I suppose I'll just throw the whole trash can out there, rather than picking through the garbage and attempting to find the "best" piece to start with.


Some Background
I've recently lost the very last blood relative whom I thought supported me and cared for me. By lost, I mean they've finally harmed me badly enough to drive me away and force me to cut ties with them. This has caused a whole host of problem for me and my mental stability; One of which I plan to talk about in detail, below.

Over the years, blood relatives have shown me that they were some kind of awful, or another, that I could not, or did not wish to, associate myself with. I have a generally negative opinion of the human race, as a whole, anyway; so when people prove me right, they are removed from my life. My biological mother was the last of them. I've recently learned, after the cutting of ties, that she was a narcissist, a manipulator (Of this, I was aware. However, the extent of it was greater than I thought), and an emotional abuser. For 30+ years, I convinced myself it was normal to be treated the way I was, and told myself that I could have it much worse, so I should just not complain. Point is, she finally showed me her true colors in the most hurtful way possible, and that was the breaking point. Goodbye, womb from whence I came.

Most of that was irrelevant. Moving on.

Aside from the parental abuse, there has been a pretty large helping of trauma and other not-nice things that have happened to me over my lifetime, but I won't be going into those details here.

However, here's the shortlist of currently known mental health issues: Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety with periods of Agoraphobia, and Derealization/Depersonalization Disorder.

The Main Event
Since I was around 9 years old, I've heard voices. I've never once told anyone about them. They were rarely much of a bother to me, even when they said cruel things. I was used to cruel things. I still haven't told anyone about them. However, they have now gotten much louder. My sleep is regularly interrupted by nightmares — which I only had about twice a week before — and followed by what I can only describe as "auditory hallucinations" of my biological mother screaming my name — with the tone and volume of some consumed with rage — from a distance. The sound being as if she were a few hundred feet away. It causes massive anxiety spikes and an overwhelming sense of terror.

I've seen many therapists, but I have never brought up the voices, because I always feared what it might mean and, as I said before, they were hardly ever a problem, aside from being annoying and making it hard to concentrate sometimes. The sudden and extreme increase in yelling and chatter is what has me concerned, though. I'm not sure if it's because of what has transpired with my biological mother, or something else.

I have picked up a new therapist, who seems very kind, and I plan to talk about a lot of things with her at our next (second) appointment. However, I still don't know if I'm ready to deal with talking to a therapist about the voices. I just don't know how to cope with everything worsening all at once.

I have no idea if posting things like this online is a good idea, but at least it's fairly anonymous. If nothing else, maybe whatever replies this might get could be of help to others in the future.
 
J

jaden

Member
Joined
May 30, 2020
Messages
17
Location
europe
Hello! I think posting your thoughts and dilemmas here are always welcome. Spending the time to type all of that out must mean you're in need of help? In my opinion you should tell your therapist about your voices, it won't hurt to try, unless it does then take it slowly and do what you feel is comfortable but keep in mind that letting things fester or ignoring them usually almost always ends up being bad.

When I was younger I didn't have the opportunity to seek professional help until later in life and it's resulted in deep wounds that I have to deal with today.

I really wish you the best!
 
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