How do I break te spell of attracting someone controlling?

F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#1
Hi all

My counsellor says that I attract controlling partners. Which I agree with, I do. This is because of the usual having been bought up by someone controlling as a child.

But how do I break the spell?

Has anyone broken the spell?

I really hope that someone can help me with this, even if you haven't broken the spell, please reply, it helps to be reminded that I am not alone.
 
C

Candy19

Guest
#2
I haven't been in a controlling relationship, but I have had controlling and manipulative friends

you can't stop those kinds of people being attracted towards you, but it is more known that they target people that appear weak, innocent, naive, vulnerable etc... that doesn't mean you actually are, it could just be your general demeanour when people form their first impressions because that's how it usually is for me

the most important thing is having strong boundaries and looking for signs early on in the relationship, which can be hard, but a pattern usually develops after a while

also keeping note of how this person makes you feel, if there's a lot of mixed emotions or they just keep making you feel bad then they might be taking advantage
 
C

Candy19

Guest
#3
the nicer you are the more you will attract these types of people unfortunately, not saying you should become a horrible person and I'm sure they aren't the *only* people you attract, like I explained its important to pin point controlling behaviour early on so they are easier to throw away before things get too serious

also I'm wondering if you yourself are attracted to people who are like this, that can be common also for people who have had a controlling parent which is difficult to overcome, I've heard of people quitting relationships all together because they are attracted to people with abusive tendencies
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
308
#4
Hi all

My counsellor says that I attract controlling partners. Which I agree with, I do. This is because of the usual having been bought up by someone controlling as a child.

But how do I break the spell?

Has anyone broken the spell?

I really hope that someone can help me with this, even if you haven't broken the spell, please reply, it helps to be reminded that I am not alone.

My wife did. From the outset she put clear boundaries and firm controls in place to protect her life and independence. She never deviates from these and they have now protected all of our family's lives (including my own) from the worst elements of my ASD.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
308
#5
Hi all

My counsellor says that I attract controlling partners. Which I agree with, I do. This is because of the usual having been bought up by someone controlling as a child.

But how do I break the spell?

Has anyone broken the spell?

I really hope that someone can help me with this, even if you haven't broken the spell, please reply, it helps to be reminded that I am not alone.
Sorry Fancyharm, I 'submitted' previous post before I had finished it - then ran out of editing time....

My wife did. From the outset she put clear boundaries and firm controls in place to protect her life and independence and asked that I do the same. She never deviates from these and they have now protected all of our family's lives (including my own) from the worst elements of my ASD and the worst elements of her anxiety difficulties. I will not pretend that there have not been significant problems/conflicts at times when our different needs or expectations have clashed in a major way - some of them have taken a long time to resolve and some of them still rear up unexpectedly from time to time. But by respecting each other's differences we get through these - and we can also offer each other alternatives when one of us gets stuck and cannot see a way forward.

In her previous marriage my wife discovered (almost too late for her and their young daughter) that the qualities in her partner that seemed at first to provide her with a sense of security and safety, were soon used to try to control her in every aspect of her life - including taking control of her finances, her possessions and all day to day decisions. When she summoned up the willpower to leave him, she told herself that she would never open herself up or expose any child that she had to this again.
 
Last edited:
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#6
Thanks for the replies. It does help.

I have unlearned things before, like agoraphobia. I believe things can be unlearned. But I wish I knew how to unlearn this whatever it is I give off to attract these controlling people.

I have recently been what I call brave and abandoned a relationship where I was being used by a female friend. I have felt better since doing so. I have left the situation ok so if I see them out and about I will not have to feel awkward.

Also I sorted another user last week who happens to be a partner to a relative. He is someone who thinks he can order me to visit him at certain time when he has had plastic surgery and take him only expensive chocolates and roses. He even told me where to buy the chocolates! I let him believe that I would visit him but something genuine cropped up and I didn't go. And he also tells me things to keep a secret from my relation which I don't think is fair. Well, tough, if my relation gets turned against me by him (there have been a lot of other things that have happened that he could use against me that have been manufactured by him) then so be it. But I cannot have his negative rubbish in my life.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
308
#7
Thanks for the replies. It does help.

I have unlearned things before, like agoraphobia. I believe things can be unlearned. But I wish I knew how to unlearn this whatever it is I give off to attract these controlling people.

I have recently been what I call brave and abandoned a relationship where I was being used by a female friend. I have felt better since doing so. I have left the situation ok so if I see them out and about I will not have to feel awkward.

Also I sorted another user last week who happens to be a partner to a relative. He is someone who thinks he can order me to visit him at certain time when he has had plastic surgery and take him only expensive chocolates and roses. He even told me where to buy the chocolates! I let him believe that I would visit him but something genuine cropped up and I didn't go. And he also tells me things to keep a secret from my relation which I don't think is fair. Well, tough, if my relation gets turned against me by him (there have been a lot of other things that have happened that he could use against me that have been manufactured by him) then so be it. But I cannot have his negative rubbish in my life.

Fancyharm, it sounds like you have found the answer to your question and that it has been there inside you waiting to be released.You cannot change the type of person who finds you attractive (that is to do with something inside them) - but you can change how you respond if they show any signs of being 'controlling'.
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#8
Aureus, thanks. Good point.

Have I actually worked out how to identify a user? Something inside me wants to ask if he was a user by demanding the chocolates etc? Something tells me perhaps it was me being harsh?
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
308
#9
Aureus, thanks. Good point.

Have I actually worked out how to identify a user? Something inside me wants to ask if he was a user by demanding the chocolates etc? Something tells me perhaps it was me being harsh?
Harsh? I think not!!

The fact that he thinks he can give you orders and does so = USER
The fact that he thinks he has the right to make excessive demands and that you should follow these - means that in his eyes you have no rights = ABUSIVE

Fancyharm, you did the right thing - end of story. Just KEEP DOING IT in future!!
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#10
Aurelius, thank you, honestly, I needed it spelling out.

I know from my counsellor that blaming yourself is a part of the thinking process because blaming yourself is easier to deal with and when I thought about it, that is what had happened.

I am too nice, and I have, in the past, spared people's blushes by soaking up their bad behaviour to me.

I have treated people how I would like to be treated, but nowadays, the world just doesn't seem to work like that.


Thanks again Aurelius and everyone else who replied, I am in a difficult situation at the moment, I am out of work and in a controlling relationship, so I really needed to get that one sorted out.


If anyone else has anymore advice, please continue. xx
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#11
Just to recap, I cannot stop these people being attracted to me? That in itself is good to know as it means that I can be myself.

I must also look for the patterns? Can someone give me some examples please?

When the pattern has been detected, what actions should be taken? I have recently detected a pattern, as I said previously, and I took great pleasure in letting this person lead themselves to believe that I was about to do exactly what they thought I would do before I turned the situation around and did the opposite.

The answers may seem simple, but when you are stuck in a hole it is difficult to see out, please help.
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#12
OMG

You will not believe what has just happened!

I have just experienced what giving someone a taste of their own medicine is like!

WOW!!!! So just to recap, I was made an empty promise and the person even sniggered when they made the promise, so I knew I was right to be suspicious. Well basically I have made a promise back to them and broken it, on purpose, just to show them what it is like. WOW, how explosive they became when they realised what had happened!!!!
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#13
Remember the person that demanded the chocolates, well, that is who has had the taste of their own medicine!

Seriously, these controlling people do not like it when they have had their power taken away do they?!!!

The way I have just been spoken to on the phone is awful. Really bad. This person has serious issues, they need help. I am so much better out of that one!

To be honest, Its upset me, I don't deserve it. I have helped him out a lot in his shop and other stuff. I have been reliable and trustworthy.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
308
#14
Remember the person that demanded the chocolates, well, that is who has had the taste of their own medicine!

Seriously, these controlling people do not like it when they have had their power taken away do they?!!!

The way I have just been spoken to on the phone is awful. Really bad. This person has serious issues, they need help. I am so much better out of that one!

To be honest, Its upset me, I don't deserve it. I have helped him out a lot in his shop and other stuff. I have been reliable and trustworthy.

I guess you have now found out that power can be quite intoxicating? Having control over someone else is a way that a lot of people are able to deny and hide their own inadequacies - especially from themselves.

In some cases hese drivers can make the need to control someone else almost, if not totally, addictive - i.e., increasing levels of addiction = need for increasing levels of control = need for increasing evidence of the victim's compliance with demands = increased evidence of the victim's compliance with demands (no matter how minor or petty) = increasing levels of addiction = .......

In some cases, non compliance or rebellion can lead trying to re-engage the victim through apologies, gifts, promises of change, threats, intimidation, etc. In the worst case scenarios, if these strategies fail, the perpetrator may become angry, abusive, or even violent. They may stalk or harass their victim, or try to pressure them by interfering in other areas of their lives - including work, relationships, family, friends, etc.

You are always 'so much better out of' relationships with people who start showing signs of becoming 'control freaks' where your life is concerned. The sooner you are out the better - especially in terms of protecting your emotional and physical well being, your mental health and your personal safety!!
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#15
Aureus, that info is welcome, really. That has made things so much clearer to me. Not just now but past experiences. Thank you. I'm so grateful I could cry.

He actually text me back and said sorry and if he hadn't put the phone down he would have got more annoyed. But I replied with a statement that basically said don't try and control me, you will not win. And I stated that I did not like him telling me to keep his secrets from my cousin as this put me in a position.

His next text said don't text me or phone me again. I don't know if I was wrong in doing this but I replied with: ok, can I still visit you then?XxxxxX I did this because it was partly sarcastic and I feel that the situation is so ridiculous this is what it deserved.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
308
#16
Aureus, that info is welcome, really. That has made things so much clearer to me. Not just now but past experiences. Thank you. I'm so grateful I could cry.

He actually text me back and said sorry and if he hadn't put the phone down he would have got more annoyed. But I replied with a statement that basically said don't try and control me, you will not win. And I stated that I did not like him telling me to keep his secrets from my cousin as this put me in a position.

His next text said don't text me or phone me again. I don't know if I was wrong in doing this but I replied with: ok, can I still visit you then?XxxxxX I did this because it was partly sarcastic and I feel that the situation is so ridiculous this is what it deserved.
Be careful, because if he says yes that can quickly become an avenue for re-engagement - i.e., he could take it as invitation to continue, or as a sign of weakness on your behalf (you need the relationship), or as an emotional weapon (it is you who play the control games - you say one thing and then when you have got me wound up, you say something different - you just like messing me around, etc). Best not to open yourself up to these possibilities.

You might consider the following courses of action:

If he says no, accept it.

If he does not reply, take it as 'no'.

If he says yes, tell him some thing like 'you will probably not visit, but you are glad that you did not make him feel so hurt that he would say no'.
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#17
Good advice. Thank you.

It was wrong to reply to his message with that, I should have ignored it. But I was so wanting to show that I was not bothered.

I'm still doubting myself and thinking I'm harsh. But I have to be strong and believe in the fact that I am blaming myself because it is easier and I can resolve the situation sooner. Nothing to resolve though, he is a user I don't need.
 
A

An0nym0us1

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2018
Messages
17
#18
Sorry Fancyharm, I 'submitted' previous post before I had finished it - then ran out of editing time....

My wife did. From the outset she put clear boundaries and firm controls in place to protect her life and independence and asked that I do the same. She never deviates from these and they have now protected all of our family's lives (including my own) from the worst elements of my ASD and the worst elements of her anxiety difficulties. I will not pretend that there have not been significant problems/conflicts at times when our different needs or expectations have clashed in a major way - some of them have taken a long time to resolve and some of them still rear up unexpectedly from time to time. But by respecting each other's differences we get through these - and we can also offer each other alternatives when one of us gets stuck and cannot see a way forward.

In her previous marriage my wife discovered (almost too late for her and their young daughter) that the qualities in her partner that seemed at first to provide her with a sense of security and safety, were soon used to try to control her in every aspect of her life - including taking control of her finances, her possessions and all day to day decisions. When she summoned up the willpower to leave him, she told herself that she would never open herself up or expose any child that she had to this again.
I am keen to hear more of your story. Such as what kinds of things were happening that you deemed controlling. I often think my partner is controlling but when I say such a thing it causes a massive argument. So im left wondering if Ive got it wrong.
 
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#20
The following are things my partner does:

Food, he serves me too much food when I have repeatedly asked him not to and has a smirk on his face when he puts the plate on the table. This has gone on for years.

Buys loads of food that is not good for my ibs that he knows I would like to eat and enjoys looking in the cupboards and pointing out to me what I have or haven't eaten.

Stores out of date food to clog the cupboards up and tells me there is no room and my f'ing kitchen is too small.

Hoards unwanted items because he knows I like to be organised.

Tells me we will go out and provides details and then when it comes to the outing he says he is too busy.

Is only pleasant to me when I have carried out all of my chores.

Says my ibs isn't a condition and I make out it's painful when it is not.

Used to take credit for what I did at work because he was jealous that I was getting on well at work.

Never helps me to look for a job, takes no interest prefers me to be reliant on him.