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How did you educate your SO about BPD

B

Butterfly3

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So me and my girlfriend were just having a conversation and she just jokingly said that’s your fear of abandonment, I don’t get why you’ve got it Ive never abandoned you, then I questioned her if she meant that (just because I’ve explained to her quite a few times, well tried to) but then she said in a frustrated yeah yeah I know voice that she knows that I can’t help it and I can’t control it.

I’m just quite upset. We’ve been together just over a year and I was trying to kind of slowly educate her at the start of our relationship just to help both of us and her understand me but she quite quickly went why do you always bring up your BPD? And seemed annoyed so I stopped that and I try every so often but I just feel so invalidated and unheard.

So I was just wondering how people have educated their significant other? How can I make her understand BPD and myself?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Maybe she sees you as a whole person, not as two separate parts, a person and bpd?

She will learn about you as you go along as you will learn about her.

I understand the need to talk about the symptoms, i do that myself, and i am often criticised for that. Maybe there are other people you can talk to about it?
 
O

OoO

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I can’t believe that after a year together she hasn’t done tons of research on the condition, let alone being willing to listen when you tell her how it affects you. Frankly, it just seems as if she doesn’t care :sorry:
 
B

Butterfly3

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Maybe she sees you as a whole person, not as two separate parts, a person and bpd?

She will learn about you as you go along as you will learn about her.

I understand the need to talk about the symptoms, i do that myself, and i am often criticised for that. Maybe there are other people you can talk to about it?
Thank you for replying! I think maybe you’re right? It’s just hard, before my diagnosis I really hated myself and thought I was a terrible person for all these symptoms, but my BPD diagnosis made me see I’m not terrible I just have a mental illness. So I think anyone but particularly my girlfriend I want to understand so they don’t see me as the monster I used to see myself as. My mum is a really good support network for me I just wish my girlfriend was as well but I find her quite invalidating at times...
 
B

Butterfly3

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I can’t believe that after a year together she hasn’t done tons of research on the condition, let alone being willing to listen when you tell her how it affects you. Frankly, it just seems as if she doesn’t care :sorry:
Yeah I’m not going to lie, I do wish she’d look into the diagnosis and try even learn some skills to help me and understand me. She can be invalidating at times and it’s quite upsetting, it’s not that she doesn’t care, she’s absolutely phenomenal in every area of our relationship except with my mental illness. I just think it’s lack of understanding of BPD. It’s just such a big part of my life I wish she’d try a bit harder.

Thank you for replying it means a lot!
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Thank you for replying! I think maybe you’re right? It’s just hard, before my diagnosis I really hated myself and thought I was a terrible person for all these symptoms, but my BPD diagnosis made me see I’m not terrible I just have a mental illness. So I think anyone but particularly my girlfriend I want to understand so they don’t see me as the monster I used to see myself as. My mum is a really good support network for me I just wish my girlfriend was as well but I find her quite invalidating at times...
I understand.
people sometimes though will never understand even if you explain
if they want to learn they will try
even then, only we know us completely
mum's can be different, unconditional total love usually
it is also possible your gf is not able to listen maybe as she has her own problems
life might be hard for her too
 
B

Butterfly3

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I understand.
people sometimes though will never understand even if you explain
if they want to learn they will try
even then, only we know us completely
mum's can be different, unconditional total love usually
it is also possible your gf is not able to listen maybe as she has her own problems
life might be hard for her too
Yeah my girlfriend has been through a lot herself and her parents decided a few weeks ago they are getting divorced after an explosive argument. She has been and is going through a lot so maybe that is it? She doesn’t really talk to me about her feelings so it’s hard to know what’s going on with her. Thank you so much for your replies they’ve made me understand and feel a lot better!
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello Butterfly. I am unable to have a relationship with anybody who cannot understand BPD. I tried to educate my ex but he did not want to know. To be invalidated by our partner is so triggering. Our BPD is a part of us and is the reason we respond and think in a different way to others. With my current partner he educated himself. He did a lot of research and continues to research to be as understanding as possible.
 
B

Butterfly3

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Hello Butterfly. I am unable to have a relationship with anybody who cannot understand BPD. I tried to educate my ex but he did not want to know. To be invalidated by our partner is so triggering. Our BPD is a part of us and is the reason we respond and think in a different way to others. With my current partner he educated himself. He did a lot of research and continues to research to be as understanding as possible.
Hello bpd2020
It’s very triggering when your partner doesn’t understand BPD. I’m glad that you have someone who is so kind and willing to learn about it! My girlfriend is perfect in every way, she’s my soulmate, we have our whole futures planned out together, marriage, children, holidays, retirement etc. She is my everything, it’s just this that I’m really struggling with at the minute, it’s such a huge part of my life I wish she could understand.
 
OCDguy

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Choosing the right moment to discuss important things is key, otherwise the other party isn't fully absorbing or interacting with their full attention (this applies to most things). It's important for you to get these characteristics out for discussion. It helps you to understand yourself and the impact these characteristics has on other people and more importantly your girlfriend. It helps to break down potential barriers and get a better understanding of each other. Perhaps getting your girlfriend to divulge characteristics about herself might change her focus, and help for a more balanced conversation and understanding. I am assuming your girlfriend doesn't see these characteristics as a problem, hence her response. Hope this helps :)
 
mami5

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If she doesn't talk about her own feelings then maybe she finds it hard when you do and doesn't know what to say or how to respond. Sounds to me she's not used to discussing feelings etc with her own family so struggles to do with you. Just a thought, might be wrong.
 
B

Butterfly3

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Joined
May 20, 2020
Messages
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Location
England
Choosing the right moment to discuss important things is key, otherwise the other party isn't fully absorbing or interacting with their full attention (this applies to most things). It's important for you to get these characteristics out for discussion. It helps you to understand yourself and the impact these characteristics has on other people and more importantly your girlfriend. It helps to break down potential barriers and get a better understanding of each other. Perhaps getting your girlfriend to divulge characteristics about herself might change her focus, and help for a more balanced conversation and understanding. I am assuming your girlfriend doesn't see these characteristics as a problem, hence her response. Hope this helps :)
Thank you so much this is very true and useful, she’s said to me a few times if she didn’t know I had BPD she wouldn’t think I did and I think this is because of therapy and I internalise it all now and try to just work on it on my own. So I think I’ll chat to her about the symptoms, what trigger them and how I experience them. Thank you! :)
 
B

Butterfly3

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
England
If she doesn't talk about her own feelings then maybe she finds it hard when you do and doesn't know what to say or how to respond. Sounds to me she's not used to discussing feelings etc with her own family so struggles to do with you. Just a thought, might be wrong.
This is very true and such an amazing thought I hadn’t really thought about. It’s just hard I feel like because I feel so much and so deeply and she tries to not deal with her emotions it’s a very big contrast especially when I like to talk about it and like you said she does not so I guess I’ve got to try and find that balance with her. Thank you so much:hug:
 
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