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How can I stop the torture ''I don't deserve''?

M

Malvinka

New member
Joined
Nov 3, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Greece
I am a 24 year old girl and I just can't bear to suffer from this psychological torment that tortures me every single day and completely ruins my whole life. I think I am gonna suffocate from this strong pain... Please, from the bottom of my hear, don't recommend me a psychologist since soon, I plan to probably visit one. However, now, I desperately need your advice and help because I am almost alone.. I have nobody to share my problem and even my daily life and it only makes my pain even bigger.
The problem - I feel I don't deserve to treat myself right, to pamper myself, to have brand new clothes, to buy a little bit more expensive food or to go to a restaurant.. Now, don't get me wrong - I believe I deserve to be happy.. I don't hate myself THAT much.. When did this all happen? When I graduated high school and already had to choose my professional path. I spent a few years AGAIN torturing myself and even getting sick at 18 all because of the stress of not deciding what kind of profession I want to have. I was EXTREMELY stressed because I was freaking out that I will become nothing. Yet, I began studying something that I wasn't quite sure I will work in years but I wanted to have a bachelor until I probably make up my mind about the profession I really want instead of risking and ending up uneducated. While studying, I was also working and even had relatively good jobs.
Thankfully, later, I finally found the professional field I wanted to develop in and even had 2 master degrees. BUT, the problem is that although I am well educated, hard working in good jobs... I constantly feel like I don't deserve to treat myself right, to pamper myself... For example, I regularly wear my old clothes for years and when my mother says "Buy something brand new, you will look better and feel better", I immediately refuse because I think internally "You have no right to spend so much money on brand new clothes and being fashionable, because you don't know whether you will end up with no job and money tomorrow. And then - what? Poor and modern? No..'' That's why If I really need something new - I buy second hand clothes and that's how I feel okay with myself. I also avoid going to restaurants and spending money on more expensive food.
If I like cosmetics which price is high, I also don't buy it, even if I have enough money. Because I start thinking ''What if you find yourself with a poorly paid job and no money tomorrow? This change of lifestyle will destroy me. So I better wear old clothes and not wear brand new ones because I don't deserve it.''
In general, I am somehow afraid of the future and whether I will have a good job and make enough money for my basic needs, let alone special ones. And I HAVE worked such jobs but still... especially when I have had new jobs and you know that beginnings are always hard. When I don't understand something in the beginning, I am telling myself ''See? What if you never understand these things and you are so bad at this job that you get fired? You don't deserve to treat yourself and pamper yourself until you find 100% stable job with good salary and a secure future, so that you have no worries about your financial status. Only then you can be really happy.'' Deep inside, I know that life is always unpredictable and you never know what future has in store for you. Also - nothing lasts forever, especially jobs. I realize that I am wasting my youth forbidding myself to do and have things that bring little joy and freedom to life. Especially when I have seen people with no good future at all wearing new expensive clothes, buying themselves some of the things they like, having the freedom to live their lives...
So, please, from the bottom of my heart, give me your invaluable pieces of advice and help because I desperately need it from you before I probably go to a psychologist! ;(
 
StarryKnight33

StarryKnight33

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2019
Messages
92
Location
Uk
Hello there dear,

Im 24, and I have the opposite problem. Let’s see if we can mix our two thoughts together.

I spend so much money to the point where I do not have anything to show for it away from the nice food. You can see it on my belly, I’m overweight hehe.

Anyway, you said it yourself and you know the answer. I would love to go (not in a weird way and I’m a girl too just an FYI) and stop those thoughts right in their tracks. When you see that £80 perfume, or £30 MAC lipstick try to tell yourself:

I deserve this and I will feel so happy being able to use this.

Picture yourself using the product, visualise and remember how great it’s going to feel once you’ve got that pretty little receipt to say that it’s yours.

Also, don’t make it all about you. These products are on shelves to be sold, one day someone worked their ass off to get those products on the shelf so it’s your right as a consumer to enjoy them!

If you go to a restaurant and spend money on good food, you can make a chefs day by telling them how delightful it was. You can laugh with the waiters and have an amazing time.

The money spent is not important, it’s what you get from it. Hope this helps 😊💓
I'm the same, I spend it if I've got it and never much to show for it at the end of the month 🥺 part of my recovery process is to learn budgeting so wish me luck lol
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
316
Location
On The Train
I have the same problem of feeling I don't deserve good things. I know the cause in my case. My mom was mean to me my whole life. She told me she wished she hadn't had me and she loved my older sister more. She would buy clothes and things for my sister but I was expected to get her hand me downs and my clothes were always too big. As a little kid she would go out shopping with my sister and leave me at home.

They would go out to restaurants without me and my sister was sworn to secrecy about it. She would get candy bars but they wouldn't buy any for me because they forgot. My sister was in the hospital once and we visited her everyday. But when I went to the hospital my mother didn't visit me and they went out to restaurants every night. When I go out I found out they went and asked to go but my mom said it was too expensive.

I was earning money doing chores for people and I gave the money to my mom to put in my savings account. After a few months I asked for my money and she said she had spent it on cigarettes and that children don't have money of their own, it belongs to their parents.

As an adult, my things I left at her house she sold without asking. Also I joined the military and she wouldn't come to my graduation from basic training. I was the only one who didn't have anyone come see me. 😔 When I was deployed to Afghanistan she didn't write to me, not even an email. I begged her to write. I finally understood she didn't care if Iived or died.

I had a real problem buying nice things for myself as an adult and even going out to a restaurant by myself. Sometimes I go overboard and buy too much stuff, especially food which I end up not eating. I also had a problem trying to advance myself in life like I could never achieve anything. I only surround myself with good people now and go to therapy which helps a lot.

I learned that the inner voice we all have that tells us that we are good or bad was shaped by our parents and early experiences. I have to remind myself that when I am viewing myself poorly.

My advice is to see that every single human is valuable and deserves love and comfort. If you view everyone else that way it's easier to view yourself that way too, because aren't you also a human?
 
M

Malvinka

New member
Joined
Nov 3, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Greece
I have the same problem of feeling I don't deserve good things. I know the cause in my case. My mom was mean to me my whole life. She told me she wished she hadn't had me and she loved my older sister more. She would buy clothes and things for my sister but I was expected to get her hand me downs and my clothes were always too big. As a little kid she would go out shopping with my sister and leave me at home.

They would go out to restaurants without me and my sister was sworn to secrecy about it. She would get candy bars but they wouldn't buy any for me because they forgot. My sister was in the hospital once and we visited her everyday. But when I went to the hospital my mother didn't visit me and they went out to restaurants every night. When I go out I found out they went and asked to go but my mom said it was too expensive.

I was earning money doing chores for people and I gave the money to my mom to put in my savings account. After a few months I asked for my money and she said she had spent it on cigarettes and that children don't have money of their own, it belongs to their parents.

As an adult, my things I left at her house she sold without asking. Also I joined the military and she wouldn't come to my graduation from basic training. I was the only one who didn't have anyone come see me. 😔 When I was deployed to Afghanistan she didn't write to me, not even an email. I begged her to write. I finally understood she didn't care if Iived or died.

I had a real problem buying nice things for myself as an adult and even going out to a restaurant by myself. Sometimes I go overboard and buy too much stuff, especially food which I end up not eating. I also had a problem trying to advance myself in life like I could never achieve anything. I only surround myself with good people now and go to therapy which helps a lot.

I learned that the inner voice we all have that tells us that we are good or bad was shaped by our parents and early experiences. I have to remind myself that when I am viewing myself poorly.

My advice is to see that every single human is valuable and deserves love and comfort. If you view everyone else that way it's easier to view yourself that way too, because aren't you also a human?

Thank you a lot for telling me your story too, which is also kinda like mine :) I live on the other side of the world and I have always admired US army (you are probably from there?) because in my country, the Army is so fake and bad. I have read lots of stories for you guys and your PTSD after the war and I only admire you more for these things.. I am sorry that you have had experienced all these things in your past plus the burden of the war. I wish I would know you so that I could thank you in person for risking your life out there in these horrific countries! I wish you healing and ALL the best in the future, you are a hero always remember that no matter what!!!
 
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