How can I stop feeling so horrible??

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Seniorclassof2019

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Apr 10, 2019
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I am 18 and have been suffering with purely obsessional ocd for about 10 years. I’ve had some years when it doesn’t bother me as much and I’ve had some years where it has been pretty bad but it got better. Recently it has gotten the worse that it has ever been to the point where I have been seriously contemplating suicide. Recently as of two days ago I got an intrusive thought that was more so a question. This question had to do with harming my loved ones, it caught me off guard and my first instinct was to try and see what it meant on accident ever since then I keep asking myself the question and even the thought that I have acknowledged the question to begin with makes me feel extreme amounts of guilt. I have never felt so bad in my entire life. Now I feel too quilty to even be around my family because the question pops back up again or I am reminded that I asked myself the question to begin with, I am scared that I will want to search for an answer or give in to these negative thoughts and feelings and believe that I am actually a and person with these bad intentions. Now everytime I am around my family I can hear the thoughts in the background and even though I try to ignore the thoughts and focus on real life, I can’t help but to feel guilty that I even gave the thought attention in the first place and everytime the question comes up I feel guilty all over again it feels like a mental trap or never ending loop but even if I ignore the thought, my mind will just bring up the time I actually questioned myself. My next therapy appointment isn’t until next week but I feel worse everyday. I don’t want to die but I don’t think that I could live with myself for even thinking something so horrible in the first place and then actively asking myself the question again out of pure confusion or a reaction. I know this is long but can someone please answer me!!! I need to know that this apart of my ocd and not me. Everytime I seem to move on I end up right back where I started
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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hi I just wanted to send love and welcome you to the forum
I hope you find this place useful
you are very welcome here
love
Lu xx
 
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Prince Charming

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Senior Class of 2019 Firstly welcome to the forum.I am no medical expert but it seems to me you are over worrying, Intrusive thoughts come up many times on this forum as you will no doubt see yourself when you fead fhe posts I get intrusive thoughts myself they are in the form of pictures popping into my head l am not bothered by them and try to hold them in my mind for as long as l can.They can not control you or harm you or your loved ones.Your doctor will explain better.
 
S

Seniorclassof2019

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Senior Class of 2019 Firstly welcome to the forum.I am no medical expert but it seems to me you are over worrying, Intrusive thoughts come up many times on this forum as you will no doubt see yourself when you fead fhe posts I get intrusive thoughts myself they are in the form of pictures popping into my head l am not bothered by them and try to hold them in my mind for as long as l can.They can not control you or harm you or your loved ones.Your doctor will explain better.
Hi, thanks for the welcome and the reply, I think the hardest thing for me is that everytime I start to convince myself that the thought and the way I reacted was out of my control, I get the question again and I begin to think what if my brain really wants this thought or really feels this way, the thought was unlike any thought I’d had and I feel like there is no way to undo the thought or soften it so to say and even typing this now I realize it is just a product of my ocd but I also have moments where I subconsciously take responsibility for the thought and it makes me feel differently, it makes me on edge and scared of myself, it makes me feel as though I would really have or have had an intention to want to do harmful things in the first place. The intrusive thought was a how sort of thought, i don’t think I ever got a thought like that before so i kept repeating the question and once I realized what I was doing I instantly felt guilt. It seems everytime I come up on this thought I feel like it’s a trap, if I ignore it I know it’ll come back stronger but if I acknowledge it I am afraid my brain will literally search for an answer which would make me feel as though I would really want or consider wanting to act out said thought even though I know I wouldn’t and it’s completely out of my character. Either way it makes me feel extremely guilty even after I’ve moved on somewhat I am still reminded that I even gave the thought attention repeatedly. I just don’t know how to deal with it, how do I accept the thought without my brain answering??
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Jan 13, 2019
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Hi there,

I've suffered with intrusive thoughts for a good few years now, however they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be. I used to have intrusive thoughts regarding my relationship at the time, which would often be worsened by nightmares that played on these anxieties. I would also have dark intrusive thoughts usually after watching a documentary or something as these would often frighten me. Accepting the thoughts was always something I struggled with as I'd always try to force them out of my brain or just push them away as best I could. I searched online for reassurance which would help temporarily, but not always in the long run. However, it was reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one and that these thoughts didn't make me a bad person. If anything, people who suffer from intrusive thoughts are usually the kindest people as they're so appalled by these thoughts that there's no way they'd ever really act on them! There was a time where I was laying awake every night consumed by these horrid thoughts, but eventually I was able to find other things to focus on which thankfully helped a lot. I would definitely recommend discussing these feelings with a professional as they can help you find ways of dealing with these thoughts and finding the best outcome for you. I hope my words have helped in some way, best of luck to you xxx
 

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