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How can i help my daughter

H

H55

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Location
England
Hi, My daughter is suffering with social anxiety. She was meant to start college but i haven't been able to get her there.
We have made progress each day though so i am trying to remain positive and hopeful that i can get her there before the end of the week. I worry that the longer she leaves it the harder it will be and i don't want her to fall behind either and just add to the stress.
Counselling sessions are meant to start soon which will hopefully help but until i have dates for this, I feel alone and so low, it breaks my heart that this is how she feels and how its affecting her life.
i dont know what to do anymore.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
4,026
Location
England
Hello H55 and welcome to the forum. It is so lovely to hear how much you care about your daughter. I can understand your concerns. It is great your daughter is going to have counselling. That will help her so much. All you can do is be there to listen and support your daughter until then. Be reassured that a lot of people overcome social anxiety. My friend managed to and now she is very socialble.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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2,993
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England
Hi H55,

When i have worked with children in the past (i know your daughter is older), i have taken the pressure off completely. I was looking after a 12 year old girl with ASD and she was extremely anxious about something, i told her she didn't have to do it, it was fine, no problem. She relaxed, eventually with the pressure off, she did do this thing.

Maybe you could say to your daughter that if she doesn't feel able this year, she can always study online and go to college next year. Maybe she could even start in January and see if the staff can make allowances for her anxiety and give her work at home.

There is no rush in life. She needs rest and no pressure but also the opportunity to see that she is strong enough, can do it, can go to college and be happy.

You could break it all down into small chunks too. You could say you could both go to college and walk around and then go straight home. Just to get familiar. Still though, no pressure, if she cannot go, it is ok.

I think a week is very optimistic and risky.

I am just one person with one opinion, but from my experience, that works well.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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England
Sometimes a carrot is good. Let's walk around the college once, then go and get a milkshake from whatever place you go to get fast food. It means there is something she knows will happen at the end that is good.
 
Talina

Talina

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Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
320
Location
Sweden
It’s good that you are trying to help your daughter :)

Myself always forced my dad to be with me on the first days of school or university. He would go to the place and stay for a while if I wanted to go away earlier. I would just text him if I could handle it and he would go back. It felt easier for me knowing he was nearby and I could back down and get home if it got too much. At least that’s what have helped me through the years.

Maybe it will help your daugther if you go with her and check out the school. Also don’t put too much pressure, you have seen improvements which is good.

She can still do distance courses and study home while improving with her social aniexty with her tempo.
 
P

Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
620
Location
UK
Hi, My daughter is suffering with social anxiety. She was meant to start college but i haven't been able to get her there.
We have made progress each day though so i am trying to remain positive and hopeful that i can get her there before the end of the week. I worry that the longer she leaves it the harder it will be and i don't want her to fall behind either and just add to the stress.
Counselling sessions are meant to start soon which will hopefully help but until i have dates for this, I feel alone and so low, it breaks my heart that this is how she feels and how its affecting her life.
i dont know what to do anymore.
The good things about college is its not like school, where you have to go. At college a person can take time out and do it later, although the problem is she would have to wait a whole year. Think about it, and do what is best.
 
H

H55

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Location
England
Hello H55 and welcome to the forum. It is so lovely to hear how much you care about your daughter. I can understand your concerns. It is great your daughter is going to have counselling. That will help her so much. All you can do is be there to listen and support your daughter until then. Be reassured that a lot of people overcome social anxiety. My friend managed to and now she is very socialble.
Thank you so much for your comment, I appreciate it so much!!
it’s hard to watch someone you love to suffer and as a mum I want to take her pain away.
I am trying to listen more, and learn more about how she’s feeling.
she’s put up cards on her wall tonight, just little positive quotes. I was impressed, she’s stronger than she realises. Time and patience I guess 😊
 
H

H55

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Location
England
The good things about college is its not like school, where you have to go. At college a person can take time out and do it later, although the problem is she would have to wait a whole year. Think about it, and do what is best.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it!!
I’m not sure how it stands as kids now have to stay in school until their 18.
Am im unsure how she’ll be waiting a year and then being a year behind her friends.She has a couple of friends who have been amazing and haven’t given up on her. They message her and she perks up until it’s time to go. I worry that if I don’t get her there this year she may never do it!!
 
H

H55

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Location
England
Hi H55,

When i have worked with children in the past (i know your daughter is older), i have taken the pressure off completely. I was looking after a 12 year old girl with ASD and she was extremely anxious about something, i told her she didn't have to do it, it was fine, no problem. She relaxed, eventually with the pressure off, she did do this thing.

Maybe you could say to your daughter that if she doesn't feel able this year, she can always study online and go to college next year. Maybe she could even start in January and see if the staff can make allowances for her anxiety and give her work at home.

There is no rush in life. She needs rest and no pressure but also the opportunity to see that she is strong enough, can do it, can go to college and be happy.

You could break it all down into small chunks too. You could say you could both go to college and walk around and then go straight home. Just to get familiar. Still though, no pressure, if she cannot go, it is ok.

I think a week is very optimistic and risky.

I am just one person with one opinion, but from my experience, that works well.
Thank you so much for your comment, appreciate it so much!!
I honestly have no idea what I’m doing, I’m trying to take each day at a time.
I don’t know in regards to kids having to stay in school until their 18 now and what the rules are with this. I also worry being a year behind her friends she just won’t do it. She is currently 16
I have spoken to the school about sending her some work, which they have said they’d sort but with it being the first week back it may take a few days.
Thank you for your advice, I will try and do this. Little steps 😊
 
H

H55

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Location
England
It’s good that you are trying to help your daughter :)

Myself always forced my dad to be with me on the first days of school or university. He would go to the place and stay for a while if I wanted to go away earlier. I would just text him if I could handle it and he would go back. It felt easier for me knowing he was nearby and I could back down and get home if it got too much. At least that’s what have helped me through the years.

Maybe it will help your daugther if you go with her and check out the school. Also don’t put too much pressure, you have seen improvements which is good.

She can still do distance courses and study home while improving with her social aniexty with her tempo.
Thank you for your comments, I will definitely try this out.
I have asked the college to send work until I can get her to attend. That’s great of your dad to do that, I have offered to do the same but she’s not quite ready.
I hope in time she will be 😊
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2,993
Location
England
It sounds like you have made a good start today.

It is ok if they take a couple of days, but by next Monday they should have something for you to collect. Maybe you could go together to collect it? Just getting familiar with the place again.

There could be many reasons for this anxiety. You could try to break it down, break the day down, step by step what would she have to do. It could be something like worried about wearing a mask in front of friends, worried who she will hang out with on breaks, lots of changes and many people struggle with change.

Once the day is broken down, she could go in for one lesson, one morning, and then all day. Building up as she feels able. Let her have some control.

There should be a designated person for this at the college, maybe you could ask to speak to them tomorrow as they would have done this hundreds of times and know how it works, what to do, what to say to your daughter too. There are probably a few other people going through the same thing as her right now. She won't be the only one at that college who is not going in yet.
 
arodi007

arodi007

Active member
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
31
Location
Mauritius
hi h55, just want to add that from my experience, it does kinda matter in college for any age difference but not at all from uni.
And also when i had high peak anxiety i ddint want to go outside at all but needed to go to a specific place which was unknown and very far. i asked my mom to come with me which really help me get my confidence back after.
It help a lot when u know u can rely on someone especially family :v
 
H

H55

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Location
England
I think if she would talk to me I’d find it all easier to cope with, but she just shuts down on me. Which I find so frustrating.
she went to college yesterday which I’m very proud of her for doing but she won’t go today. I feel like something has happened but she won’t speak to me or tell me what’s bothering her.
how can I help if she won’t talk to me or let me help her.
I just feel useless!!
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
4,026
Location
England
You sound very supportive. You are giving her the option of talking to you if she chooses to. Maybe when she feels ready she will open up.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
571
Hi, My daughter is suffering with social anxiety. She was meant to start college but i haven't been able to get her there.
We have made progress each day though so i am trying to remain positive and hopeful that i can get her there before the end of the week. I worry that the longer she leaves it the harder it will be and i don't want her to fall behind either and just add to the stress.
Counselling sessions are meant to start soon which will hopefully help but until i have dates for this, I feel alone and so low, it breaks my heart that this is how she feels and how its affecting her life.
i dont know what to do anymore.
i have social anxiety myself......there are self help groups out there.....i think you can find them on meetup.com .....or else just google it

also im a member of a mental health club.....these are places where mentally ill folk can go tp participate in activities such as art, creative writing, yoga, group therapy and personal development, or else you can just drop in for a coffee......having social anxiety would qualify you for membership and if not you can just say you have depression too.......

i dropped out of college twice due to social anxiety issues......so i wouldnt be harsh on your daughter if she wants to do the same.......personal development is more important.......sometimes filling your head with academic studies can undermine other aspects of your character......personally i took easy, low stress jobs, where i was able to be myself more, in any case im on disability allowance now which gets me by

also there are personal development courses out there for mentally ill folk......i did one such course called Fresh Start in my country ireland.....these courses are all over in the world......look in to it.......my course was 7 months long full time/.......i met lots of nice humble understanding people there, i was able to be open and honest with them.....these courses you should look in to......i know youre from england so these courses are an option
 
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