How can I have confidence when I know that people think I look bad?

[submarine girl]

I didn't know whether to post this as you might think its a stupid issue maybe its just me being immature but basically Im female in my twenties and with the things that have happened in the past I don't know how Im supposed to have confidence. Im happy with my face but other people obviously don't see me as attractive so it makes me wonder if they see me in a different way than I see myself.

When I was 18 we were doing a topic in college, biology about evolution/natural selection and the lecturer did an activity where everyone in the class (27 of us) anonymously rated each others looks out of 10 and our scores were written on the board then added up at the end. He asked if anyone didn't want to take part but i felt stupid saying no. Big mistake because I got mostly 4's and the lowest average in the class for facial attraction I got 4.6 out of 10 the other girls seemes to get 7's and 8's.

I was even below the 40 odd year old male teacher lol. I was shocked because I didn't give anyone below a 6 and I was hesitant to give them that I felt really harsh. The thing is they were not silly kids they were very friendly and mature, i was one of the quiet unsociable ones. Im slim and have a toned body cause I keep myself fit it was just my face.

Anyway at 22 I met a guy online who i had similar interests in so we met up and went on a few dates. I didn't really fancy him though and couldn't see the potantial for a relationship so told him that I didn't think it would work. His first comment was 'geez I must be seriously ugly' and 'when I first met you I wasn't so sure but it was your personality that I thought was right so I compromised'

Then I found out he posted on a student forum saying that he met a girl (referring to me) and that he is worried about being ugly because the girl (meaning me) wasn't exactly the best looking and that now he is worried about not being able to get even an average looking girl. Its really immature I know but he is being honest I can tell by something he aid when we first met.

:/ Its just I see girls who don't fit the typical view of what is attractive and Im sure they don't get put down the way I have been. The thing is I think I look fine and you might say thats all that matters but really.. how am I supposed to have confidence in my looks after things like this? Or am I being soft? Would things like this affect you :/ It just feels like im destined to get my looks insulted lol he was the only bf Ive had.

I know people have way worse issues than this but I just wanted some advice on how you would deal with it because as stupid as I sound I feel as though i can't have confidence in my looks. Lots of women go on about how they look bad even though they are constantly told they look nice yet Im the opposite in a way. Im ok with how I look but am told I look bad lol.

 

[Clucky111]

I know exactly what you mean. I've had the same problem. But I think you've really got to go with the old cliche thing of what they think doesn't matter..if you're happy with yourself then why should they matter? And I know they still do to you..but in the great scheme of things they don't. I think that made sense lol. And this guy that posted on the forum? Stuff him. Not worth it Completely not worth it.

But..as to how you're meant to have confidence now..after these things that have happened to give you a negative image of yourself..I think it's just a case of getting it straight in your head (if that makes sense). Just putting these things behind you and looking at yourself and thinking, yes I look fine, I'm happy with myself. Cos really, that's all that matters, I've never been one to judge people on their looks, I just don't think it's fair, and I've got to be honest, it's not the first thing I think of when I meet a person. Yet I know so many people who judge in that way as soon as they see a person. (I would have been the same with the scoring btw..I just can't judge someone badly on something so personal!) But really, it doesn't matter, cos we all know the pretty girl from school who was also the bully...

I hope this has helped in anyway at all lol! And that my 3am ramblings have made sense!!

 

[jamesdean]

subrime girl the thing is I went through my teenage years and younger adult life believing that I was ugly n no one ever tried to boost my confidence and tell me different went I used to askif I was good looking,I thought that the world was better looking thanme I was obseessed n couldnt even look @ my self in mirrors there was no part of my body that Iliked, its called body dismorphic these days I believe.

I do understand how you feel I still find it hard to believe that I am good looking but I am for my age but all those years I lost because of confidence.

I hope that things do work out for you, that was a truly awful thing to do score in the class room must of been vile people todo that, godbless JD

 

[mudslides]

ok first of all, that teacher should reeeally think about the effect "exercises" like that can have on people.
Im in the same place. even worse, in the street i get people yelling names at me, and have been ignored after revealing a photo of myself online to a man.

in the end, you just have to think well ok screw it. what is ugly? it is subjective, and if these people think it is ok to ridicule you because of your face, they are ridiculous and shallow. Work on building your inner world, and getting your own interests. And most important, learn to stick your tongue out at these people and try to ignore their lack of depth.

 

[quigon]

Hi Submarine Girl. Did you know that beauty is a very subjective thing, What is beautiful to one person is not necessaril beautiful to another. Thank goodness that not every woman looks like Miss World. Vive la difference. South American Indians, for example, rate a woman's beauty on th esize of her lip plate. Tha big saucer they have inserted in their lower lip. The Chinese used to go on small sized feet. In a north African nomadic tribe it is the men who tart themselves up for the ladies. The point of this is that it doesn't matter what the people in your class think...or it shouldn't. Such an exercise, in my opinion, was very misguided. As for the comments of the guy you had a date with, I would say he was just being mean because you didn't bow down and worship him, such are the vagueries of the male ego. Beauty is very much an inner quality. Look at Susan Boyle, the singer on X Factor or whatever the programme was. She is not your archetypal beauty but she is very much admired because of her voice. She is using what she has. Emphasising her assets and for that she should be applauded. What are your assets? What are your skills? What have you got that will help you to metaphorically stick two fingers up at the rest? I bet you have some. Use them.

Take care and good luck.

 

[coraline1664]

I'm very surprised that an activity like that was included in your class, and struggle to see its real relevance. Especially putting your names up on the board with your scores- incredible!

The guy you met only proved what you felt about him- he sounds a bit dense, and extremely insensitive too. Like Quigon says, beauty is subjective despite so many people making out that it isn't. Our appearance is not something that we choose anyway, who cares what we look like?

Honestly, if I'd experienced what you did I would be extremely distraught- you're not being soft. I know you posted this a long time ago now- I hope things are better for you. x

 

[delatext]

remember the song you are beautiful no matter what they say !

 

[bulbie]

What a dumbass teacher!

I'm beautiful, you're beautiful, we're all beautiful!