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How can I fix myself?

A

ava99

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2015
Messages
3
Hi all :)

I'm pretty desperate for help so if anyone could give advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

I'm in my mid 20s, from the UK and left school when I was 15 due to being so badly bullied. I was called every name under the sun and most were about my appearance (being called fat, ugly etc). I went from being an A grade student, really confident, very happy, sporty,... to leaving school with no qualifications and being put on prozac at 16. I barely left the house for 5 years until I got a job in a clothes shop at 21.

It was always my dream to go to a good uni, study hard and get a secure job. I moved abroad for 3yrs for a relationship and now im back in the UK trying my best to get another dead end job which is proving hard in itself!

Basically, my problem is that I have never got over my past. I am terrified of going to another school setting. I also hate how I look, I wear a lot of cosmetics to cover my face and refuse to let anyone see me without it, except my parents. I have nightmares about being seen without it in fact! I am always anxious, afraid that people will hate me, be making fun of me and I suffer from migraines from getting so anxious.
I compare myself all the time to other girls on instagram etc (i have no social media accounts) who have much better lives than me.... and I feel awful. I am so envious, because I want to have a normal life and to be happy! I constantly look at plastic surgery to fix myself, and am saving up for it. I think the biggest problem is with how I look at myself in the mirror. I see this ugly, fat girl and try to avoid going out whenever possible. I have realised, that when you look better, people treat you better and its become an unhealthy obsession. I dont even have any friends, I have nothing! Nothing that I can be proud of.

Sometimes I feel so so depressed over the direction that my life has taken. I understand when people say "you could of done this, you could of done that" but... I am always afraid of what other people are thinking of me or of being rejected.
I would love to be the same old confident, assertive girl that I used to be. Now, I deliberately talk like a meek child so to avoid confrontation because I am always afraid that people will hate me or want to hurt me physically.

I apologise for the long rant but I'm in a mess because I want to fix my life so badly but I dont have the help (no access to CBT or the likes). It genuinely feels as though I have been in prison for 10 years.... its absolutely horrible and sometimes, I can't stop crying at how restricted I feel by my issues.

I want to be confident, not care what people think of me, to go to university... to have a life! I am afraid of being too old to fix this so want to do it now.


Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it all! :)
 
M

MelandCJ

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2015
Messages
3
Hey beautiful lady,
So many women-we do this to ourselves. It's horrible isn't it?
I was bullied in school and it truly affected everything in my life until now: I'm taking a new stance. I no longer am the person who goes to high school. Nor are you.
We can no longer live I that "once upon a time". It's changed, moved. Society changes. We change too.
I think you'll find lots of interesting g things to look at, try and work/focus on at Uni.go for it and show those stupid bullies who were probably jealous of you who is the better woman!! ;) you can do it! Just try. Shift your focus from your body to your work. What lies ahead for you?

Who really cares what you look like (or don't) if you've got brains and a personality! :) not everyone can be or is a supermodel, and why would society want that? Yuck!
Keep interested, stay focused on what your lecturer needs you to, go along to talks, lectures and events and soon enough I'm sure some other Uni ppl will be interested in hanging out with you.. Most people at Unis around here are mature aged or have done some hard work before entering, meaning not from a high school and probably wanting to make contacts in their field or work well with those around them (accepting others for who they are if they work well and get on with the project/s).
I'm in my 30s and a student who loves talking with anyone who wants to learn as I do or who have experiences that I do not. I couldn't care less if they're purple or stripy, short or large. I just want to know if they can do the job we need to do :)

We could learn so much from what you've done so far! :) wow travelling, how awesome! Being back In the UK must be eye opening for you- the possibilities! Your life, for YOUR choosing. Right now :)
(Those bullies don't live your life, only you can live it and only YOU can make choices for YOU!) :)

Right now the UK has been a difficult place to find work in. Same here where I live. Economic times are hard ATM but things will improve. The only way is to try! You can't get a job without applying, right? Don't let any may-Sayers set you back either, many jobs are filled by the time I apply, but I just gotta keep on trying Go for anything- it's money to help you get through Uni and who knows, you may end up getting to know/ like some of the ppl u work with and they, you.

Our bodies are what we make of and give them.
I think it's time you give it your love.
Someone once told me to do this: it didn't work at first, but it is good advice. Tell your mirror image you love her and you appreciate all that you have, have done and know. Tell her you will treat her right. Tell her she is beautiful and deserving. Tell her she is loved. (I'm sure your parents love you so dearly!!)
Go easy on the make up. A little is ok but you do to need to wear a mask to hide. Don't hide, express the good things inside you :)

Talk with a crisis service like calling BeyondBlue here in Australia. Talk with your parents.

Get off the computer and go for a walk. Eat healthy (don't starve, that'll make it and your depression worse) even if you don't feel like it, it'll help you relax and have a break from study.

Know people care.

I wish you all the best. Please be safe and look after YOU!

Hope this ramble makes sense and is not read as like a telling off or anything. I'm just worried that there's someone out there a bit like me- eep! Don't to be like me!! :) be you-ti-ful!!!
 
Last edited:
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
It's a pity you don't have access to help. :unsure:
Is it that they don't have services like CBT in your area, or have you just not been offered it?

Have you thought about getting self-help books? I know there are so many out there that it's hard to know which are worth the time and money, but there are books that are particularly recommended.
When I was part of a self-esteem CBT group, the facilitators suggested that we read "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" and it did really help me.

As somebody who was bullied in secondary school but took college courses, I can definitely understand your fears about being in that kind of environment again.
But there are ways to cope..
For instance I made sure I left classes a bit early or arrived a bit late in order to avoid the rush of people around the college who were finding their way to their next class.
I also made sure that I went somewhere quiet (or completely off campus) during lunchtimes so that I wouldn't be disturbed.

If colleges or universities know you have certain issues with anxiety, in my experience, they are generally quite accommodating and will do what they can to support you.

Of course, ideally you won't need that support and you'll be fine without it. But it is there if you were to need it.

Finally, I agree with MelandCJ and I think you have plenty to be proud of.
You're strong, adventurous, ambitions, sensitive - those are wonderful traits. And inner-beauty like that never fades or grows wrinkly. ;)
 
A

ava99

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2015
Messages
3
Hey beautiful lady,
So many women-we do this to ourselves. It's horrible isn't it?
I was bullied in school and it truly affected everything in my life until now: I'm taking a new stance. I no longer am the person who goes to high school. Nor are you.
We can no longer live I that "once upon a time". It's changed, moved. Society changes. We change too.
I think you'll find lots of interesting g things to look at, try and work/focus on at Uni.go for it and show those stupid bullies who were probably jealous of you who is the better woman!! ;) you can do it! Just try. Shift your focus from your body to your work. What lies ahead for you?

Who really cares what you look like (or don't) if you've got brains and a personality! :) not everyone can be or is a supermodel, and why would society want that? Yuck!
Keep interested, stay focused on what your lecturer needs you to, go along to talks, lectures and events and soon enough I'm sure some other Uni ppl will be interested in hanging out with you.. Most people at Unis around here are mature aged or have done some hard work before entering, meaning not from a high school and probably wanting to make contacts in their field or work well with those around them (accepting others for who they are if they work well and get on with the project/s).
I'm in my 30s and a student who loves talking with anyone who wants to learn as I do or who have experiences that I do not. I couldn't care less if they're purple or stripy, short or large. I just want to know if they can do the job we need to do :)

We could learn so much from what you've done so far! :) wow travelling, how awesome! Being back In the UK must be eye opening for you- the possibilities! Your life, for YOUR choosing. Right now :)
(Those bullies don't live your life, only you can live it and only YOU can make choices for YOU!) :)

Right now the UK has been a difficult place to find work in. Same here where I live. Economic times are hard ATM but things will improve. The only way is to try! You can't get a job without applying, right? Don't let any may-Sayers set you back either, many jobs are filled by the time I apply, but I just gotta keep on trying Go for anything- it's money to help you get through Uni and who knows, you may end up getting to know/ like some of the ppl u work with and they, you.

Our bodies are what we make of and give them.
I think it's time you give it your love.
Someone once told me to do this: it didn't work at first, but it is good advice. Tell your mirror image you love her and you appreciate all that you have, have done and know. Tell her you will treat her right. Tell her she is beautiful and deserving. Tell her she is loved. (I'm sure your parents love you so dearly!!)
Go easy on the make up. A little is ok but you do to need to wear a mask to hide. Don't hide, express the good things inside you :)

Talk with a crisis service like calling BeyondBlue here in Australia. Talk with your parents.

Get off the computer and go for a walk. Eat healthy (don't starve, that'll make it and your depression worse) even if you don't feel like it, it'll help you relax and have a break from study.

Know people care.

I wish you all the best. Please be safe and look after YOU!

Hope this ramble makes sense and is not read as like a telling off or anything. I'm just worried that there's someone out there a bit like me- eep! Don't to be like me!! :) be you-ti-ful!!!

Wow thank you so much for your reply! :hug1: and you didn't sound as though you were telling me off at all :)

I'm very sorry to hear that you were bullied too :( It's sad that we live in a time where it is only just now being addressed... society really underestimates the damage it does to people mentally.

Good job on you for taking a different stance! Go you!! :) and wow, you're in school again...that's fantastic. You should feel so so proud of yourself! it's actually very difficult for me right now, because I live back at my parents, in the town where I went to school and was bullied (its a smallish town, not city) and a lot of those bullies still live in my area. I even feel restricted on what jobs I can get, in case I bump in to them. I want to get angry and say a mental f*** you but its easier said than done.

I agree with everything you're saying :) i think that honestly, my biggest biggest issue is with how I look... I live and swear by my makeup. I saw a documentary on something called body dysmorphia (I think thats what its called...) where people don't see how they really look. One girl was like me, bullied and spent hours getting herself ready every day she went outside. It sounds very vain, I know, but for me it is more about feeling "accepted"... and it rules my life. People have called me pretty when I wear it all, so its a viscious circle (who doesn't want to feel pretty) I admire any woman who can go out without makeup and feel self-confident!

Thank you so much for your reply again and well done for beating those bullies. You'll come out on top :)
 
A

ava99

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2015
Messages
3
It's a pity you don't have access to help. :unsure:
Is it that they don't have services like CBT in your area, or have you just not been offered it?

Have you thought about getting self-help books? I know there are so many out there that it's hard to know which are worth the time and money, but there are books that are particularly recommended.
When I was part of a self-esteem CBT group, the facilitators suggested that we read "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" and it did really help me.

As somebody who was bullied in secondary school but took college courses, I can definitely understand your fears about being in that kind of environment again.
But there are ways to cope..
For instance I made sure I left classes a bit early or arrived a bit late in order to avoid the rush of people around the college who were finding their way to their next class.
I also made sure that I went somewhere quiet (or completely off campus) during lunchtimes so that I wouldn't be disturbed.

If colleges or universities know you have certain issues with anxiety, in my experience, they are generally quite accommodating and will do what they can to support you.

Of course, ideally you won't need that support and you'll be fine without it. But it is there if you were to need it.

Finally, I agree with MelandCJ and I think you have plenty to be proud of.
You're strong, adventurous, ambitions, sensitive - those are wonderful traits. And inner-beauty like that never fades or grows wrinkly. ;)
Thank you so much for your reply! :hug1:

There's the help but the waiting lists are astronomical. I also went to 2 different CBT therapists a few years ago and they were absolutely terrible. They show no interest in you, seemed bored and did nothing for me in terms of getting to the root of my issues. If I get a job I will look at finding private help but the NHS help is just shocking (at least in my area unfortunately). One told me to "go out more and socialise", after explaining that I had panic attacks in social settings.

The books sound a good idea, thanks for the suggestion :) I will look in to the one that you mentioned... and I'm really sorry to hear that you were bullied too. Good on you for getting back in to education though, that's got to feel really good! :)

I'm kind of at a loss because I think my issues stem from how I feel about myself physically. I've only just sussed out that this is at the root of my issues... I think it's a touchy subject because most people would just assume that you're vain, which I understand, but for me its more about feeling accepted and wanted I suppose. I've broken down in front of my parents many a times and expressed that I feel abnormal (they know how much I am attached to my makeup and refuse to let anyone see me with out it). They tell me that I am pretty without it... but I feel like a monster.

Anyway thanks a million for your reply again, its hugely appreciated :)
 
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