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How can I finally get over this girl?

ThereDone

ThereDone

Member
Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
10
Location
Sweden
Hello. I'd like to write about an experience I've had with this girl from Finland that I met online like a little more than 2 and half years ago now. I already knew from the start that it would probably not work out if I were to have a romantic relationship with her but it's just that I've found her irresistible for the longest time, I would even go so far to say that she's THE right person for me and I would even commit to marrying her if I could - but here's the problem, she doesn't feel for me at all and I doubt she ever will. We still talk pretty often, almost every or every other day and she has become sort of the only person I regularly want to talk to. Because of this it's hard for me to break off from her.

This isn't the first time I've been interested in a girl but it's definitely the first time I've felt something like this.

I really don't know what her deal is though and I really want to break off from her and find someone that really care for me instead, something that at least return my affection. I think I deserve that at least - but it has been hard and I don't know how I'm supposed to go about it. Can I even forget about her if I do find another girl? I honestly don't know.
 
Q

Quickduck

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No longer posting
I've found previously that the best way to get over romantic feelings for someone who isn't interested is to find a way to invest those feelings into someone else; otherwise you just pine away forever. You won't forget about her in the short term, but if you find someone who returns your affection, the feeling you have for this lady from Finland will lessen and you'll start to see her as a friend, which appears to be what she wants.
 
B

bonobo

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
131
I've been through similar stuff. I hope you're ok xx
 
N

notrealname

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Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Been through the 'pining for unavailable person' loads of times and the problem lies in your background.

A person brought up in a stable and loving environment expects the same conditions outside in the real world (to be appreciated, loved, valued etc.) and thus naturally loses interest when someone does not return theirs (not immediately, of course, it hurts us all, but they will be able to because to them longing feels like longing, it doesn't feel like love - when they were a child love did not feel like longing).

A person whose parents were essentially unavailable to them emotionally (had too much on their mind, had MH problems of their own etc.) will anticipate similar conditions and recreate their past. They will not give up quite as easily on those who will not return their affections because they do not believe quite so readily that they will feel that way again and that their affections will be returned in the future. They have associated longing (for their parents affections) with love and confuse the two.

A person with this background sees others as Gods to be appeased - I will work hard for your love in order to receive a little bit of it and I will devote myself to you. That's because that's what they had to do as children to get attention and love from their parents. It's natural to repeat what you have learned at home, but unfortunately it doesn't do you any good.

You are doing the right thing by deciding to cut ties. Doing so will prove to you that there are many available people you will like and this is not the only one. Not only that, but the feelings you have - pining etc. - are more to do with longing than they are to do with love. It is very easy to confuse longing with love, especially if you associate longing with love (the child longs for unconditional love from their parents and learns that this is what love feels like, so they recognise it with unavailable partners in adulthood). Longing is not love. It is intense and painful, but it is not love. This relationship is based on longing, not mutual admiration, so the feeling you have right now is not what love really is (if that makes sense).

Because you feel bad about yourself you have accidentally put this person on a pedestal and see them as almost perfect for you, but actually have you considered writing down these traits you think are so perfect and considering whether they are quite so rare? Your mind will play tricks on you - I have been there before - but what you are experiencing is yearning, and yearning is not love.

You are too good to pine for another, you are worth so much more than that.

I hope this has helped in any way at all...
 
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