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How can I feel less bad about my weight, racism, and appearance?

D

debbieb

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When I was younger, I became as my parents declared, ''obsessed'' with skin lightening and I bleached my skin from the ages of 15 to 20. It was only until I got a little closure on my English mother's family's ancestry (it was of Jewish origins) that I stopped bleaching my skin, however I am still insecure on how I look. One man told me that ''women would pay thousands to get rid of an unfortunate nose like that and get that nose bridge straightened out'' - other people at my high school would say I either looked like a dog or like a rat. I remember these teenage boys who would yell at me from a distance to lose weight, swearing expletives simultaneously. I'm 5'3'', 95 lbs and I cannot bring myself to eat normally since. I was 5'2'' and 105 lbs then. I got called a ''fat greedy b***'' when they saw me eating and now I feel very uncomfortable with eating in public.

I was always the one singled out, for no apparent reason. I was shy then but those people accepted those who were much stranger. Sometimes I get people stare at me, for long periods, or move tables. Once two teenage boys punched me in the street, after following me and calling me names and one of them used the y and c-word. I also had some people post pictures of ovens and Auschwitz to me asking if the ovens made me feel nervous. I remember in high school I would be confronted when people would point out my differences - usually my eyes. I became so upset about the shape of my almond-shaped eyes I tried self harm on my eyes to change their shape. My mother got very upset as she took it as an insult towards her as everyone says I look just like mother, but I remember one night I begged her to pay for plastic surgery. I had guys come up to me and tell me I was ugly. I got called (moderated) from a distance. Even today I do not like looking directly at my face, and I even have issues looking at some of my cousin's, because they have the same type of look as I do and it reminds me of it.

I'm also wondering if I did actually experience racism, or I'm just paranoid.
 
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LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Well simply, it is as you know, a psychological issue.

I am sure you are not ugly etc. Nobody really is.

It would be good for you to talk about your issues with someone kind, perhaps a professional.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Reading your post is enough to make somebody really despise humanity.:unsure:
I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, i'm just incredibly sorry to hear about your downright cruel and upsetting experiences.
Yes, you were racially abused and no, you are not being paranoid.

The way you were treated is absolutely disgusting and if you had gone to the police, I seriously think that the people involved in such hated and abuse should have been arrested.
Do not doubt yourself for one second. Their behaviour was unaccepted.

So.. am I reading your weight right? Are you 95lbs or did you forget to add a 1 before that? I'm sorry i'm just a bit confused because if you are 95lbs you would, according to the BMI (which isn't always accurate, but still), be considered underweight.

Not that it matters either way. It sounds to me as if you were a target and the things that were said to you were not based on truth, but said so that the bullies could get a sick sense of power and a cheap laugh.
I do think that abusive people can sense a vulnerable person, which may be why other people who might have been a bit more odd than you were accepted and you weren't.
Sometimes people can just sense a different energy and attack what they don't understand.
I wonder if actually you weren't more graceful, more gentle and kinder than other people and that's what the bullies didn't like?

Being quite pale white myself, I can't pretend to know how it feels to want to lighten your skin and so i'm sorry in that sense that I can't truly understand.
But I do wish that you were told as a teen that you were beautiful and that you absolutely did not need to do that to yourself. From what I understand it can be quite dangerous and so i'm really glad you no longer do this.

Do you think your Mum is beautiful? Do you think your cousins are beautiful?
Sometimes it's easier to see beauty in other people than it is ourselves, but if you can acknowledge their beauty, it might help in terms of coming to accept yourself.

Ultimately I do think you are at the beginning of a journey of self-acceptance and that can be really hard.
You must remember that other people's comments about your appearance are pure ignorance and it really reflects how ugly they are as people if they feel the entitlement to put a stranger down.
Beauty really is only skin deep and it doesn't last forever. People age and they change.
Inner-beauty and a good heart lasts a lifetime.

How do you feel about yourself as a person? Not thinking about how you look, I mean who you are?
I think one of the things that helped me get over my physical self-loathing was the realisation that i'm a good person and the world needs good people now more than ever.
 
cassandra36

cassandra36

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Two things you can do if you are over 18. 1) move to Israel , the PM put out an open invitation to Jews to come home. Because of the rising anti Semitic views Europe is holding again??? You experienced that first hand and I am sorry. Or come to America where you are surely light enough to not be shot on site by the police: ) sorry bad joke, America has very little open anti Semitic views. Most here are a mix of everything any way. If you experienced that in school, try your best to get out. That sounds like 1937 nazi Germany.
 
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