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how can i explain it to him?

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warriorprincess

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I am desperate at the mo to just be understood by my ex without him analysing everything i say as something childish or horrible. Why can he not see how bad i must be feeling to be saying what i am it is not me? surely after 3 years together he knows that much?

But tonight when he came when he knows i'm feeling low he spat how i am back out at me. All my little ways all i've done that he's put up with. I daren't ask if he's had a drink as i'll say that wrong and he'll leave. so i'll ask in the morning and he may still leave. he's feeling depressed so is being out of character. why can't he comprehend that i've felt that on and off my whole life and never dealt with the main issue behind what's causing it? Even now i've said it's BP he still draws his own hurtful conclusions... i.e i'm crying on the floor and he tells me get a grip.

top it off i'm 7 weeks pregnant, and yet yesterday he said he wants to work on it, and we had more amazing love last night. Today he sees his friends and comes back all shitty. How do i know when it's me, or if i'm being used for whatever he can take me for. Maybe he has made me worse? i just don't know i think help won't come soon enough.

I can't put into words how low and desperate i'm feeling without putting that on him? but i have no one but him (i really don't i'm only just learning the be true to your friends bit, instead of trying to make them happy all the time) And he is the father of our 16 moth daughter and now this unborn child inside me, growing as i type. And he's suggested abortion's the best but won't pressure me too as he knows how it's wrecked my life before. Where is my partner? why could he not hold on that little bit longer? this has happened with all the rest over 4 years, 1 and a half and now this 3 year relationship with him - i can't stop thinking i've been given up on again and maybe i should give up on myself as it'll never be plain sailing. And believe me i nkow about karma i just don't know how much more i can take.

I'm even thinking hand our daughter over to him and i can then do whatever i want and have this child i'm carrying now and not have him on the birth certificate! i know it's desperate and i haven't thought it through like how much i'd regret it and miss my beautiful precious daughter, but in a way i feel like he's trapped me. and i really can't cope with it all at the mo. I need support and my one support has had enough and i'm hardly in the position to get socialising even if i felt like it but i'm just so lonely.


And he has stayed maybe half the nights since he left but we never talk and if we do try, like tonight it is like he is my enemy.

sorry can't sleep it just helps to ramble and my handwriting isn't up to much these days and this did start as a question....

HOW DO I EXPLAIN WHY I DO WHAT I DO WITHOUT PISSING HIM OFF?
 
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LilMissLost

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Wow i really feel for you, sounds like he could be a bit more caring and sensitive, if he wants to work on it then he has to understand he cant say these things to you, what about his own depression is that mainly when he drinks? I had one like that, nice as pie off the drink looking back i think he may have had some mh problems too, know what you mean about being true to your friends without making them happy all the time too, thats something im trying to learn. You really need to sit down and have a chat but as you say its very hard, maybe focus on him a bit more to try to get him to open up then you might be able to say bits of how you are feeling, its so hard i still cant do serious conversations, dont give up on yourself though and make sure you dont do anything hasty about your 16 month old, it does get easier i promise, i bought my daughter up on my own and while id never recommend it and it was bloody tough some days now i still wonder if she would be better off with her dad but other days she brings me such joy and watching her sleeping is beautiful, i struggled with post natal depression after having her so i know how easy it is to feel you want to give up. There is always better times ahead and i know its hard feeling trapped, would you want to carry on with the pregnancy if you knew you were going to do it alone, you prob would get alot of help as u have BP too, and sometimes a little one aswell as a baby can be easier than just having the one who wants constant attention, my advice is think a lot more before you make any hasty decisions and i promise it gets easier my daughter is 7 now and she thinks im a brilliant mum, my health visitor once told me you are the only mum she will ever have never understood it at the time but now i think i do, if you need to chat im always here to talk feel free to pm me, maybe try writing a letter to him i had to do that with my daughters dad in the end and just say i want you to read it then think about it and then well talk, that way you and he hopefully can get both your points across, i hope you can sort something out and dont worry bout the rambling, its good to talk :grouphug:
 
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warriorprincess

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Hey thank you so much for reading i know it came out a bit last night - was an attempt to clear my head at least a little before trying to sleep.i think i don't even need to ask him if he had a drink last night - the only time he's ever been like that before is after a drink or two, it seems to make him angrier and more defensive, which i guess is normal but not so helpful when i'm feeling like i do.

Thanks for your suggestions too. I've tried listening to him but he then makes me feel so worthless, telling me all that I've done. Or if he says something that upsets me (and i mean gets me so upset in 0-1 seconds and i end up in floods of tears) and i go off to get a tissue or make a cuppa he always says I storm off!! Yet what i'm trying to do is take a breather before i say something to make him storm off.
I could try writing a letter but I've done it before and then he uses taht against me almost. And finding the words to explain to him is hard. at the moment anyway. When we were together he could be so understanding but it's like he is a different person when he's got it in his head that we've broken up. It happened a lot before our daughter was born and always puts it down to me, but then when we get back together he says 'i should know he'll always come back to me' how do i know if that is the case this time?

To be honest right now i just wish i had that strength to get on with it.

I'm also peeved that he lets our daughter spend time with his friend who has self harmed recently, and uses drugs and is a very mixed up kid. More so than me. the last few times when they've dropped her back at mine together i've heard him talking about his relationship that ended months ago with his girlfriend, and it all sounds so negative, and i know what he's like and i don't want my daughter to be around that sort of person. She's had such a positive start from us both, we really have done everything as best we could and is such a happy intelligent little girl. but I don't know what rights i have to say who she spends time with when she's with her dad? surely as i gave birth though I do have a say but again it's something i don't want to come out wrong or him to use against me.

It's lovely to hear the other side of it - how proud you are, and how you've somehow coped, it gives me hope which i need at the mo.

I know i have it in me to be a very successful single mum, and maybe i need to think about all the doubts i had when i was with him. but i don't know if that was just my racing mind flipping me from one idea to the next. I just need to get throught this. and with being pregnant it's an extra stress.
I am still awaiting the right help - 4 years ago diagnosed with bipolar but stopped taking tabs thinking i was fine, then 2-3 months ago went to my doc to explain i thought i needed help with this, and now they've diagnosed me with borderline, so til i get the second opinion i'm not even getting the right treatment. and he likes to use all those symptoms against me, saying i'm like a child.
wish he could just dip into my brain to see how complex it all is.

sorry i'll pm you later, will have a read of your posts too so not just talking bout my problems.... just really needing support with this at mo as no one to turn to.

thank you so much for your time :hug:
 
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LilMissLost

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Thats ok hun, we all need to let it out sometimes :) Ahhh i see where you are coming from now and its sounding exactly like my ex, very good point about writing the letter you dont want it used against you in any point. He doesnt sound like someone who is very easy to deal with and sounds as if he definetly has his own issues aswell.
As for your daughter being around one of his friends and the fact you have heard them coming back still talking about negative stuff, that must be a worry, my daughter goes to her dads at weekends and i have no clue what she gets up to there or who she sees, the only reason i have been so "ok" about it is because her dad lives with his mum still so i know theres a "responsible" adult figure around, as for the rest well unless im going to be the one to say you arent having her anymore, which i have actually said in the past as shes dairy intolerant and they were still giving her dairy and getting her to lie to me about what she had! I only agreed to them having her again on the understanding this was their last chance and they cant go round doing that. Had a massive row with his mum and we still dont speak to this day but since then iv had a better relationship with her dad. He has pulled his socks up, for how long i dont know :confused: and i havent told him about my bipolar as im scared he will use that against me in the future, i always blamed him for our break up but my ups n downs were definetly a big factor and while iv worked that out im not sure i want him to have that information. I think you would have rights about who he spends time with while hes got your daughter speak to your health visitor if you still have one mine was brilliant and of course they dont want to see her around people who may influence her badly.

Im not sure how i coped either really as i knew i got depression at the time but had no idea about anything else!! But hey i did it at my worst and it may have been 7 years of utter chaos but we got there and my daughter doesnt hate me even though i definetly could have been a better mummy at times (if i knew then what i know now about bipolar i think i wouldve handled it alot better or maybe i wouldve got a bit more support :) There is always hope hun even when you feel like there is none! And one good friend is all that you need to get you through the hard times! My family never have been about much if i wanted help i had to ask which im not good at. Definetly worth having a think and trying to work out what it is that you want even if it seems a bit muddling now, i have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that you could be a very successful single mum, I think you need to throw the ball in his court and say you said you wanted to work at it, well heres your chance but first we need to talk about things properly, if he cant even talk to you rationally then you are definetly going to struggle and maybe you would do better to kick him out now and make him realise what he could lose. Is there any way you could have counselling asap maybe now you are pregnant and with borderline aswell and going through such a muddle they may hurry things along, never be too afraid to be honest i so wish i had of been i just knew what i was thinking was wrong and didnt think anyone else would have understood, so wish i had the internet back then!! Look forward to chatting to you somemore and dont worry hun im in a good place right now so talk about you all you like, it helps me not think about mine! So sorry about the essay im rather "high" this week and cant shut up, speak soon and take care xxxx
 
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warriorprincess

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Look forward to chatting to you somemore and dont worry hun im in a good place right now so talk about you all you like, it helps me not think about mine! So sorry about the essay im rather "high" this week and cant shut up, speak soon and take care xxxx

Thank you so much. As i can understand that last point it has put me more at ease so thank you. and too right at the moment this is the best support i am getting on here and yeh sometimes i can help others but right now there is too much...

Yeh i know from the past when we broke up before he always starts wanting me when i show him i don't want him. or get over him... but at the moment i don't have that strength tho last night tried thinking about it like that, if i can just get through this on my own he'll see my positive side again. I know he'll never fall in love with 'this' me at the moment. just gotta pull myself up somehow, in a way i've never had to before, as a mum. definitely can't resort to my old tactics. maybe that's what i'm struggling with.

I hadn't even thought about the health visitor but yes she was meant to come this week, maybe i'll just ask her about it... I just don't want to cause trouble, but i'm dammed if i want her being around him - he scares me. and to top it all off he gave her a kiss goodbye. That scum - kissing my daughter?!!!! I don't know how i didn't say anything at the time but it's pissing me off now even. His mum is brilliant but we're hardly close and i find her insensitive - both my ex and her use comedy to get through crisis. Now i can do that sometimes but when they deal with every reality by making a joke out of it - i can't help thinking they are just oblivious to reality. He's living there at mo but not even got his own room, she had him young and has another 2 children, and he's hardly been there, instead boozing with mates.

sorry gonna come back to this or may pm you later my heads stop start at the mo. glad you are well, and look forward to chatting some more, xxxx
 
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LilMissLost

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Hiya Warrior Princess,

Glad you are feeling a little more at ease and the forum is helping you! I go through stages of needing help and giving help sometimes i can others i cant ...

Im struggling with old tactics of coping too, it has always been just me and my daughter until i met my present partner and he moved in, it has been invaluable in some respects but other times i just want to go back to my old way of coping, being round friends when i need to be and having quiet time on my own! I think that is just the Bipolar mostly but i dont know...

Definetly have a chat with your health visitor im pretty sure its confidential and she will only help you take action if you wanted to do so. My ex still has his own room at his mums and omg i hadnt even thought of that, im going to have to research what age she needs to have her own room from now as she stays the night at his, thatll open a whole new can of worms, although shes only 7 shes a very grown up 7! Look forward to speaking to you some more when you have your head a bit straighter hun take care xxx
 
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warriorprincess

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Hey lil miss lost sorry had a terrible day of nausea yesterday, started typing on here and had to stop it was making me feel so sick! I really thought I was gonna get away with no morning sickness this time but just hit week 7 and now it's starting.... just one more thing eh.
thank god i'm starting to feel stronger n myself, but maybe that's cuz her dad's been a lot nicer he's bene staying over and taking her out more which helps relieve some of my pressure.

i totally get what you're saying about wanting space for yourself but i would recommend you try and work on it in the relationship. My problem over the last 3 years has been saying this in a constructive way, and because I can't always form the words to tell him i just need some me time, it's usually bottled up and mounted to the point where I've told him to leave time and time again, and that where no good together. But then when i realise what I've said it hurt so much that i've said that to him, when all I wanted was a little space.
I don't know what your situation is - does he work? if at all possible could you not arrange a night when you can catch up with your friends, and a night he does the same? then you get a bit of what you need without (maybe) wrecking the good things about your relationship. Easier said than done i know , I've felt like this so often but never got around to arranging it.

Be back on later probably, just enjoying a few less panicky thoughts in my head at mo so don't wana start listing things off, for your sake as well as mine!

yeh definitely look forward to writing more when it's not all so crazy, write to me anytime you want I will always get back at some point, hugs xx
 
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LilMissLost

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Awww thats ok Warrior Princess, i remember it well!! Glad you are feeling a bit stronger and brilliant that hes helping you out a bit more! Fingers crossed it continues :)

That sounds like totally my situation! He does work but self employed and now im working from home too maybe i need to get out a bit more! easier when you are feeling well, i definetly feel happier after a talk aswell, think thats all it takes sometimes! Now im through winter have been thinking about catching up with my friends again, even made contact with sumone i completely cut off and she still wants to see me so its not all bad, and we are having a whole weekend out this weekend, shopping, going with him to DJ on an internet station then a music and kids field festival with my daughter and 2 of her friends and my bf on sunday! so needed to have something to look forward to and do something together again its nice, weve always been so skint but its getting a lil bit better now so ithere is a light!! Hope you feel a bit less icky soon, take care and speak to you soon mate xx
 
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warriorprincess

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Hey sorry I not been on my post for days, guess that's a good thing tho it's not been so bad.

Hope you had a wicked time at the weekend, that's the sort of stuff i wanna do more of, i'm hoping this summer it'll happen, as it makes you feel so good getting out and doing stuff (when you're in the mood for it, when it all goes near-smoothly!)

well he's stayed for a while now, pushing 2 weeks, so maybe that explains why i am calmer lately, i just don't want it to get too familiar that i start abusing his company again, but also things have happened that have made me realise it's not just me all the time. But he seems to always act like it is, even when he's blatantly being shitty. I just want us to work godammit. And appreciate that no one is perfect all of the time. He can be quite pedantic at times, so more and more often i just agree. and where i need him to do things that shouldn't be so much to ask, i find i need to really put it so tactfully so as not to come across the wrong way! But this what's so hard to do when i'm in a less stable frame of mind.

Don't really know where that came from but do you understand what I'm saying? how do you cope in coming across the right way to your partner?


sorry gonna go for now as rambling a bit i know...
xxx
 
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LilMissLost

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Same here, i have been out and about and trying to do things that make me happy so i havent been thinking too much!! I had a lovely time at the weekend, was hard work having 3 children at a festival but they had a good day and that made me feel good. Even drove back from the festival which made me feel like id accomplished something as i dont do driving in places i dont know. Think its a good idea for you to arrange some stuff can be last minute but that always ends up being a bit stressful for me, iv realised if i know its coming and get well prepared things tend to go a bit smoother!

Lately if things annoy me about bf i try to make a joke out of it, like tidy your flipping mess away arghhhh but its a lot better than getting moody over it coz that gets me no where, if i realise iv been out of order i just say sorry i cant help it.. i sort of see where you are coming from, my bf is quite good in the respect that he wont cause arguments if hes in a bad mood, am starting to stand up for myself a bit more in general with everyone, it really is all about talking though, i guess you need to work together and work out what you both want and how you can achieve that while still living happily, hard when its usually "your fault" though maybe some one else might have some better advice but glad things have improved a bit for you xxxx
 
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warriorprincess

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my head is racing i'm just dumping on here so don't feel like anyone has to read ok, it's just for some reason it helps me right now.

Ok i've seen with my own pregnant bipolar long-sighted squinty eyes, but i still think argh some of this would do the sanest people out of sanity. the fella (ex or whatever) is a CONTROL FREAK! this is how he's ebbed away at me, putting me in this huge pit of depression, that now, thinking about it, I have been in for a couple of years!!!!

as much as i know he's 'put up with me' hs words, and i know what i am like, but he has used it the whole time against me.

So yesterday after near on spending 2 weeks solid with me, staying every night, helping with our daughter while i'm sick, carrying the shopping i'd been struggling with on my own, (aww bless, i see what he does here) he then turns round yesterday saying he's off to a mates for an hour or so.

Ok, fine by me, it was me who always said we spent too much time together.

But knowing that his 'hour or so' would equate to more like 2 or 3 (oh yes he's done it often) plus the situation that his phone battery is useless and never lasts, so if i ever do need him in an emergency i can never get hold of him (adding to my desperation, even if i'm calm to start, that just does it for me) I decided to go out after he's been gone an hour to try and space out this desolate depression, figuring it makes the time pass quicker and i can potter about in town like i usually do fannying away a couple of hours, then hopefully he'd either get back and charge his phone and ask where i was, or at least be there. so i get back 3 hours 15 minutes after he leaves for this 'hour (or so is the most important part, obviously)' and he's not there. There's no message, he's not even used a mates phone to say he's alright. He probably soesn't even figure all the things i worry about by not hearing from them. But i bloody do. but calm rational me, texts him a nice message, where are you x, simple. then a second later i'm bolting the door as i think stuff that if he's just gonna roll in whenever, knowing i'll take it cuz that's how worthless he's made me feel. and of course, seconds after that the key turns in the lock. I unbolt the door but he's had a drink and can't mindread so can't know that i'm feeling the lowest i've felt since i tried to kill myself and almost worse, but thank god my daughter's just keeping my head above water.

Anyway, that somehow dissipated, after he's shouted at me to stop crying and all that usual heartless shit i get every now and then. then he stays to discuss it but we don't, we barely say 2 words to each other but he stays the night then spoons me in bed.

come today and it's my booking in appointment for my current pregnancy - i'm 8 wks 2 days by the way, he or she is due 2 days before my little girl's 2nd birthday (how's all that for fate?) - and before we head out his mate calls again. As i've been so sick lately and feeling really down i've really needed the extra help from her dad, which like i say he's given the last 2 weeks. so i just quickly dropped in that i needed him to have her this arvo for a bit and then hey i'm his top enemy for the day. we go to the appointment together - i break down when they input the father's address as different to mine - this happened the first time round with our daughter and for some reason sticks like a knife that it's the same situation again. It's a life! a precious, magical, beautiful creation, in amidst all this chaos! I never dreamed I would go through that once, let alone twice. We patched things up in the fourth month of pregnancy after i took all the blame.

after the appointment he says he's gona have her for 2 hours then drop her back and have a skate. excuse me? am i totally crazy for just thinking maybe he should be having his daughter for more than 2 hours? i feel like dying i feel that shit, and he seems to know it, and even if we are just friends at the mo, we are best friends, but yet what best friend does that to you? it's like he plays on my vulnerabilities. all i want is respect! I don't know what would happen if i ever said to him, back in an hour and came back in three - he'd have called someone round to have her by then or god knows what! I just wana scream at him i feel like he's made me feel worse than i ever needed to. i feel so used.

sorry this really was just a ranting get it out on (electronic) paper in some kind of organised fashion so i can later read it back out to myself and try and make sense of it kind of thing.
maybe someone will enjoy reading it.

sorry and xxx
 
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warriorprincess

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ooo k i've just read forst bit back and just to let y'all know i'm not some desperado clingon not wanting to spend more than an hour apart, i just wish he'd show me some respect, if he's gona be 10 hours then say it and do it, he just never sticks to what he's said. and i feel like he thinks cuz i'm a little loopy he can get away with it by pegging it on me, or using clever sentences, i've no doubt he's a player, i know a bit about his past i wish i didn't. but i'm the mother of his child (*children now, argh!) so surely i should be top of his respect list?
 
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LilMissLost

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Hiya mate,

Sounds like you are having a rough time, must be hard with one young daughter and all the emotions that go along with everything you are going through right now! Im still struggling with doctors and stuff so havent really been about. Hope you have managed to sort things out and feel a bit better for writing everything down! xxx
 
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