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How Can I Ever Thank My Therapist Enough?

prairiechick

prairiechick

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Last Thursday was the most intense therapy session I have ever had in my life. I told my therapist a lot of stuff I've never told anyone before, and I shook the whole time I was telling her. I know she was really worried about me, because before I started talking she asked me if I had any of my meds with me, and part of what we are doing is neurotherapy in the hope that I will be able to come off at least some of my meds. Before I even started telling her everything I was shaking with anxiety. I wanted to tell her, I knew I needed to get it all out, but I was so scared and I couldn't speak. She helped me get through that and feel safe enough to start talking. Things aren't very clear in my head, I don't remember much about what she said after I finished. I know she asked me questions, very gently. I couldn't look at her because I felt so ashamed. I was feeling everything like it was happening all over again and I couldn't stop shaking. She got down on her knees in front of me and looked up at me with so much concern and care in her eyes. The way she looked at me, I knew she wasn't passing judgement on me. I felt her genuine care and concern. She got down on her knees for me. She got down on her knees because I was looking down and couldn't make eye contact with her and she knew I needed to see in her eyes that she wasn't judging me. But she didn't touch me, because she knew from the things I had told her that at that moment being touched would only make things worse. And it worked. She found a way to connect with me and make me feel safe when I was feeling like the terrified 8-year-old I once was when my babysitter had me pinned down on the bed and I couldn't breathe. She was with me, present to me, 200%. I feel like in that hour we stepped outside of ordinary time into sacred time, like an eternity of healing happened in an hour. It's like I had heart surgery and now I'm starting to get better. And I have no idea how to properly thank her. No words could ever be enough to express my gratitude to my therapist, but I want her to know how deeply grateful I am.

She emailed me later that day to send me my invoice because she didn't have it ready when we met, and she wrote, "Again I want to say how amazing and brave I think you are." That she thinks I am amazing BLOWS MY MIND away to Pluto and back.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Its an awesome thing, isn't it, to feel that someone cares for you and is concerned about your well-being and wants the best for you? Kinda blows you away a bit.
It's also very weird if that's the first time it's happened to us, and in a way, it makes it even more 'special' because it comes at a time when we need it and have taken than risk to open up and be vulnerable with someone and they haven't rejected us.

You may not ever be able to express to her (to your satisfaction) what this means to you and how huge it's been. But she will know - she'll get it. Trust me on that one. I wrote my therapist a couple of letters as we came towards the end of our sessions - I find it easier to say how i feel in writing than talking - to try and say how i felt about the whole process and how important it had been. Even then it wasn't enough - didn't get it across in the way i wanted. But she knew, and knows, and I would hazard a guess yours will too. They can tell by the effect it has on you - the way you are with them in sessions and how you then go on and grow and change and engage with the therapy.
She'll know, i bet you. :)
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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I am still trying to think of what I can say to her tomorrow.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Have you had any reactions / thoughts to the last session? Or any other further stuff come up (memories or associated thoughts)?
 
catkin

catkin

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You will have already shown her and will continue to show her how much you have gained from your work together. Am glad you have someone who gets it,very precious x
 
prairiechick

prairiechick

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So I did thank my therapist. All I said was "I just want to thank you for last week," but I guess my gratitude was written all over my face and could be heard in the sound of my voice. I saw so much tenderness in her eyes and she told me I was welcome and that she got to see me being incredibly brave again. Then we started the neurotherapy, with my brain hooked up to electrodes and the computer. For some reason I was filled with so much sadness. I don't know what I was feeling sad about. When the neurotherapy was done, and she was taking the electrodes off my head, we were talking and I told her about the sadness, and she patted my shoulder and gently said some things I don't remember. I wasn't really crying, just had some barely there tears coming out the side of my eyes, but she noticed. She said to me, "You have little tears leaking from your eyes, and she wiped them away with her fingertips. Before I left her office I asked her for a hug, and she said she was just thinking it was the right time to ask me if she could give me a hug. So we hugged, for a long time. I feel like I am special to her. I feel like she loves me, and that comforts me. There's a part of me that thinks maybe she is too intimate with me, but then the other part of me really doesn't care because I just want to bask in that feeling of love being poured out over me and into my heart. I hope I won't regret posting this.
 
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