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How aspergers affects me, and is it Aspergers or something else?

K

kinningpark

New member
Joined
Jan 28, 2014
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3
For years now i've been wondering if my Aspergers diagnosis is a misdiagnosis, or I have something else on top, initially reading about autism/aspergers (2 seperate diagnosis but some think otherwise) I thought I had something totally different. Then I found an article hilighting what makes aspergers differ from autism and saw that I do match those symptoms or descriptions.

This is a long one but i've had a lot to think about and want to be able to put it on paper, or tell someone about it.

I was diagnosed as Aspergers and ADD as a child. With the recent exposure Autism and Aspergers have got, it's become an increasingly uncomfortable subject for me for some reason, and the more information that I read on Aspergers/Autism the more I think i'm suffering from a different type of mental illness/problem (I don't know how you guys like to describe these things). I've also wanted someone to talk about it with so I guess here I am, doing it in the only way i can communicate as well as I want to, by typing..

I'll run through why I think my diagnosis is wrong and welcome any input from anyone with experience of Aspergers, Autism or anything else that fits my symptoms.


Here are the commonly portrayed traits of Aspergers..(source autism.org.uk)

Social Communication and social interaction

I'm be slightly affected by this. Its a strange one though as its very much circumstance dependant. I'm very uncomfortable in the company of a lot of people, especially if I don't know them. I struggle to talk to them most of the time and joining in with their conversations, and when I do it's often misplaced and doesn't come natural at all. Talking to people where they have some authority over me or I need something from them is an absolute nightmare, i don't have the confidence for it at all and suffer extreme anxiety even if i plan what to say, be it a job interview, asking for help with something, talking to police for example, people about benefits or doctors, or teachers when i was at school.

But here are the supposed main difficulties:
have difficulty understanding gestures, facial expressions or tone of voice
I would say I do not have this difficulty at all.

have difficulty knowing when to start or end a conversation and choosing topics to talk about

I have this but only when i'm uncomfortable or among strangers whos personalities and topics of conversation differ from mine.

use complex words and phrases but may not fully understand what they mean
No, I'm quite well read, and use long words a lot and am known for this, but I have a grasp of what they mean and it irritates me when people who use long words don't use the correctly.

be very literal in what they say and can have difficulty understanding jokes, metaphor and sarcasm. For example, a person with Asperger syndrome may be confused by the phrase 'That's cool' when people use it to say something is good.

I'm very literal in what i say and I take what people say to me literally in most cases, for example if someone says they'll do something I expect them to do it. This causes relationship problems and things and problems where I feel like i'm being lied to and messed about when i've had jobs etc. If someone I trust tells me to do something, I'll literally do it reasoning or consequence doesn't even enter my mind, not at all. It's landed me in huge trouble. Its like I have no barrier there to make me question things, unless its someone I don't trust then its a different story.

However, I'm very sarcastic myself at times and understand sarcasm and jokes perfectly well. I pick up on peoples use of language well, weather its local dialect, slang, any verbal communication really, making me think i'm not aspergers, because I should really struggle with interpretation and I don't. What I struggle with is explaining myself and how other people interpret me and the knock on effect in a conversation.

struggle to make and maintain friendships
My turnover of close friends is low and social circles are small. However i have quite a large circle of casual/friend like acquaintances and I don't struggle with interaction with them, given their personalities and views are the compatible with mine.


not understand the unwritten 'social rules' that most of us pick up without thinking. For example, they may stand too close to another person, or start an inappropriate topic of conversation

I don't these type of problems, I understand most social rules fully and interpret them just fine. However I can say inappropriate things especially when frustrated or angry, it's like I have no filter that stops me saying certain things which can be offensive or inappropriate. I speak my mind especially when feeling annoyed or aggrieved.

find other people unpredictable and confusing

Certainly do find other peoples decisions and actions confusing, and am never able to understand things from anyone else's point of view. I'll argue for as long as it takes and have no concept of understanding others reasoning behind their actions or opinions.

become withdrawn and seem uninterested in other people, appearing almost aloof
behave in what may seem an inappropriate manner.

I'd say I do do this but again only when I'm among people I don't know or there's something causing me to be withdrawn like a mood or feeling.

love of/need for routines and difficulty with change
Not routine driven in the slightest. I have no daily routine or any desire to follow one. I like to plan ahead if i'm going somewhere, have a look on google maps, see how much things will cost etc, but thats it. Changes to plans don't bother me. I do feel let down if someone says they'l do something for you and don't because I wouldn't do that to someone else. Change would affect me in a work place or school though, through anxiety or anger, if I was previously content and someone were to force change i'd see that as them doing something wrong to me personally.

Special Interests - (Obsessive)
Mine is politics - British politics, British Patriotism, and Unionism.. And British History. But lets not go there, that's not what this is about. I'd say its safe to say I'm intensely interested in it and passionate about it.

sensory difficulties ((over-sensitive to touch, sight, smell or sound)
Certain things can really really annoy me like the sound of a certain person on TV, but the main thing is sponges. I cannot touch a sponge, the feeling it gives me is bordering on pain, throughout my body, my skin and my teeth! Its the strangest thing ever to try and explain.
if I touch one i can react with a spasm type overload of something i can't even describe. If I see someone else touch a sponge, I react the same but not as bad, if i even imagine the feeling, i get it, If someone was to think its funny and ring a sponge in front of me i know for a fact i'd physically attack them for doing so..


But then I came across this, which describes me and my problems better. (Source Talk straight about aspergers

Personally I think Asperger and autism should not be treated as the same disorder and do deserve separate diagnoses. I have heard that some psychiatrists, who believe Asperger and autism are the same, more or less boycott the current diagnostic criteria and simply give everyone "autism". This is bad because it makes research into the possible differences a priori impossible. It would be better to revise the Asperger criteria and make them more different from those for Autistic Disorder, for instance by including the less popular negative features that are missing from the current image of Asperger, but have been observed by Hans Asperger in his original study and are known from forensic psychiatry. These include motor clumsiness, insensitivity to another's feelings, destructivity, aggression, endlessly bottled-up anger, violent outbursts, and grim sadism. Some of these set Asperger apart from classical autism, and failing to include them in the criteria makes it appear as if Asperger and autism are really the same.
These are far more prevalent traits of what I have, and sort of reaffirmed that Aspergers may be part of what's wrong with me.

Insensitive to others feelings
I know that I am. I can't really go into this as I don't know how to feel any different. I really don't have the ability to see from anyone elses view, I see black and white, "This is what happened so this is how i see it, so this is how it is".. I have no concept of remorse or pity/compassion/sympathy and "cannot be expected to" coming from one of the top Forensic psychologists in the UK - That didn't help me in court :(

Motor Clumsiness
I'm the clumsiest person ever, to a dangerous level. The multiple scars on body prove it and i'm only 23.

Destructiveness
I am destructive, always have been, pull things apart, break things, almost without noticing i'm doing it sometimes, or what feels like as a form of entertainment or satisfying an urge or curiosity. I'll pick things, break things, tear things, buth things, cut things constantly.

Bottled up anger I'm an angry person, mostly verbal anger, and very easily irritated or upset. This is fine when i'm with family or friends because i'll vent the anger verbally which usually helps ease it, while not an ideal way to behave, its necessary for me, which I wish people would understand and stop trying to prevent/punish (especially for children with similar problems) as it leads to increased anger and usually violent outbursts. People wouldn't try and stop someone with tourettes from swearing for example so why try and stop someone with these sorts of problems venting their anger if only verbally in a short rant for example.

Back on topic of bottled up anger, If the anger comes when I'm in uncomfortable surroundings with no one I know, I then bottle it up, and it ends rapid increase in the anger, with smaller things that normally might only mild annoy me (or not at all) adding to it, which leads to outbursts of anger on a much worse scale.

violent outbursts
As above, I do suffer from outbursts of anger or violence. I have no control over this. I feel I have no control over a lot of my personality and actions generally. I won't violently react to someone for annoying me even if they annoy me a lot. I verbally express my anger usully. Its if I have to bottle it up, or if someone persistently does the same things, Ignoring me that I have the outbursts. I've been in a lot of trouble over these in the past and I genuinely feel i had no control but try explaining that to the police who think aspergers is just mild social difficulties!

Sadism
The less said the better, i'm not totally sadistic but I have moments.

That's my summery of how aspergers(?) affects me. The social side of it is limited, very limited, I can sit in a pub and talk to even strangers with ease. Only in situations where i feel i'm being watched or judged or have to conform in a certain way am I affected by social problems.

However there are other things that make me wonder..

I go through long periods of depression in varying severity. Sometimes its a feeling of being down in the dumps, fed up etc, but sometimes its a feeling of grief or despair i can't explain the cause of whatsoever. That feeling when a relationship you valued ends or you lose a loved one, the raw horrible painful feeling, I can have it for weeks, while there might (sometimes) be a reason the feelings are far too out of proportion to the thing or things that have caused them. I've never thought of killing myself, but i've wished i had a button at the side of the bed to "end game" at times.

When I'm feeling mildly depressed, and when i'm feeling normal (but not when really depressed), I get odd moments of feelings of happiness, a strange excited sort of invincible feeling, that is out of nowhere, with no cause most of the time. I can get up to go get my phone charger and as i'm walking through I get hit with this incredible strange sensation. It can last ten seconds or a few hours. I can't begin to explain these things to a doctor.

I wouldn't be surprised if i had some kind of personality disorder or something, as sometimes (most of the time) I try and be polite, help people I know, try and be positive about things, and at other times i'm like a totally different person. I can say the worst things ever in an argument and then afterwords I point blank can't remember what i've said in a fit of rage and fury. People tell me, shocked, expecting an apology (which if i gave would be insincere anyway because of the way I am, something they said made me say it so I therefor justify it perfectly) and I quite often have no idea what they're talking about. I can change so much in 5 mins, my opinions don't change, but my feelings do, from positive about something going well, to depressed and utter despair and no optimism at all, to anger at others, all within a short time scale. I can be in a perfectly good happy mood and turn into a snarling angry mess for next to nothing, if a TV programme starts to annoy me for example which can be for no reason.

I spend a lot of time a paranoid wreck as well. Looking back I can see i was paranoid but when I'm in those states I can't.

I was arrested 3 years ago, a guy made me break the law, by asking me to back him up to get some money he was owed. Given that I take everything so literally I never questioned it, thinking it was legit, and it turned out he wasn't owed money.. Trying to explain everything like why I took part and how I could have not questioned his story was the hardest thing ever. Because I don't make things up I can't grasp someone else doing it. Not someone I trust.

Anyway, i was tried seperatly, which isn't usually the case in scots law, they use the "Art-and-part" concept to say two people acting together are jointly responsible for eachothers actions. They decided to try me separately on account of my aspergers and a report from a Forensic Psychologist saying I couldn't be held responsible for another's actions and I could easily have been convinced of anything by someone I trust. I had to wait for a decision if they'd charge me or not while on bail.

I rarely ever left my house for 8 months (left maybe 4 or 5 times of my own accord very briefly but had severe problems with trying to go anywhere...) and I thought that every time my door went, or a car came into my street it was the Police. I was constantly on edge when I heard a car approach, at the window to check, day after day after day. If my door went I was hiding and looking out the window to see if it was the police. I actually went to a lawyer as I thought the police were following me about when I eventually did go out... I see now it was daft, but at the time, I was a wreck over it.

I get paranoid that people know things about me too. That when they say something they're mocking me about something.

I don't know if paranoid is the right word to use for all that either. But the paranoya and moods make me think I might not only have Aspergers but something else on top..

Apologies for the length of this but hopefully some people have enjoyed reading how things affect me, it could help if your kids or a friend has aspergers as its very hard for them to tell you about things.. Also it might help someone point me in the right direction re my own problems if in anyone's experience I may have something on top of aspergers or not. This may help me approach a doctor which I struggle to do.
 
M

mindprobs13

Guest
Hello,

I myself have been diagnosed with Asperger's and can relate quite a lot form what you have said you experience. I was diagnosed at a very young age so I was given quite a lot of support and this may affect how I feel now.

Social Communication and social interaction

I'm be slightly affected by this. Its a strange one though as its very much circumstance dependant. I'm very uncomfortable in the company of a lot of people, especially if I don't know them. I struggle to talk to them most of the time and joining in with their conversations, and when I do it's often misplaced and doesn't come natural at all. Talking to people where they have some authority over me or I need something from them is an absolute nightmare, i don't have the confidence for it at all and suffer extreme anxiety even if i plan what to say, be it a job interview, asking for help with something, talking to police for example, people about benefits or doctors, or teachers when i was at school.
I get exactly what you mean. I don't have much issues with this myself, but like I said, It might be because I was given quite a lot of help from an early age. A room full of strangers, I cannot bare. If I was going to a club for the first time, it would have to be one where I knew at least one person. I also have difficulty talking people who are authoritative. If I needed help from someone, I would not ask for fear of being seen as weak and not strong. Everyone has seen me as intelligent and bright and I don't want to change people's thoughts of me when I ask for help. I feel that sudden change might lead to prejudice.

have difficulty understanding gestures, facial expressions or tone of voice
I would say I do not have this difficulty at all.

have difficulty knowing when to start or end a conversation and choosing topics to talk about

I have this but only when i'm uncomfortable or among strangers whos personalities and topics of conversation differ from mine.

use complex words and phrases but may not fully understand what they mean
No, I'm quite well read, and use long words a lot and am known for this, but I have a grasp of what they mean and it irritates me when people who use long words don't use the correctly.
I can read people like a book. I have no difficulty whatsoever with facial expressions or tone of voice. I said that to a professional once and she was so surprised, she nearly wanted to test my diagnosis of Asperger's as it is almost certain that someone with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder - covers all Autism/Asperger's) will have trouble identifying emotion. Not Me!

I do have some difficulty with knowing when to start or end a conversation. It only really affects me if someone has specifically said they want me to start a conversation with them at some time but not specific enough when e.g. asking me to remind them about something 'later' (When the hell is Later??). Talking about topics, I also find hard with new people or people who's interests differ greatly from my own. I don't want to bombard them with my own likes and risk them getting bored or losing the relationship.

I also know quite a few complex words and do use them in day-to-day conversation. I would never use a word I did not know the meaning of for fear of getting the context wrong and being thought of illiterate, (I've just realized that what people think of me is something I worry about - especially if I'm about to change a preconception (see... complex word!) they have of me e.g. At school I used to eat a lot so when I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to eat as much, I would still take a full plate of food because my cook likes me as I eat loads, I didn't want to change that)

be very literal in what they say and can have difficulty understanding jokes, metaphor and sarcasm. For example, a person with Asperger syndrome may be confused by the phrase 'That's cool' when people use it to say something is good.

I'm very literal in what i say and I take what people say to me literally in most cases, for example if someone says they'll do something I expect them to do it. This causes relationship problems and things and problems where I feel like i'm being lied to and messed about when i've had jobs etc. If someone I trust tells me to do something, I'll literally do it reasoning or consequence doesn't even enter my mind, not at all. It's landed me in huge trouble. Its like I have no barrier there to make me question things, unless its someone I don't trust then its a different story.

However, I'm very sarcastic myself at times and understand sarcasm and jokes perfectly well. I pick up on peoples use of language well, weather its local dialect, slang, any verbal communication really, making me think i'm not aspergers, because I should really struggle with interpretation and I don't. What I struggle with is explaining myself and how other people interpret me and the knock on effect in a conversation.
I also am literal in what I say to avoid any confusion the other person might have, as I can get confused and take things literally when they're not meant to be. Why would someone say they're doing something/will do something if they weren't/don't? If there's a reason e.g joking or getting out of prison, then it's understandable, if not correct. If there's not need to 'lie' then it confuses me and I sometimes get upset. Like you said, If someone I trust asks me to do something, I will do it. I may, whilst doing whatever they asked me to do, think of reasons of why they might want me to do it or possible consequences, but always push them away as 'someone I trust' has asked me to do it. People you trust don't hurt you or get you into trouble.

I also use sarcasm a lot and understand jokes and things very well. Because I am very good with facial/body expression, I can associate what I know (how the person looks) to what I don't know (local Dialect or slang I've never heard of before), and then get the 'jist' of what someone is saying. I actually get what your saying about the 'knock-on effect'. I have experienced it first hand and know what it is. Like I said about what people think of me, It's kinda the same for how people interpret me. I want to be interpreted right and have to use the right words, but describing things isn't easy. That is why I prefer to write/type. You have time to think about the exact words you'll use whilst at the end, someone is getting a continual flow of communication. When you speak and need to change/think of a word, there are gaps and pauses that can make the other person to become annoyed or restless. When someone reads something there are no pauses (unless they're put there) even though the text has been changed multiple times.

struggle to make and maintain friendships
My turnover of close friends is low and social circles are small. However i have quite a large circle of casual/friend like acquaintances and I don't struggle with interaction with them, given their personalities and views are the compatible with mine.


not understand the unwritten 'social rules' that most of us pick up without thinking. For example, they may stand too close to another person, or start an inappropriate topic of conversation

I don't these type of problems, I understand most social rules fully and interpret them just fine. However I can say inappropriate things especially when frustrated or angry, it's like I have no filter that stops me saying certain things which can be offensive or inappropriate. I speak my mind especially when feeling annoyed or aggrieved.

find other people unpredictable and confusing
Certainly do find other peoples decisions and actions confusing, and am never able to understand things from anyone else's point of view. I'll argue for as long as it takes and have no concept of understanding others reasoning behind their actions or opinions.

become withdrawn and seem uninterested in other people, appearing almost aloof
behave in what may seem an inappropriate manner.

I'd say I do do this but again only when I'm among people I don't know or there's something causing me to be withdrawn like a mood or feeling.
I see myself as being good at keeping friends, just depends on the type of friend. I have friends for different purposes. I have ones I can talk about work with, ones for my worries, ones for a laugh, but my overall number of acquaintances is much higher than my 'close friends'. Yes, I get on very well with acquaintances because we do share some interests.

Social Rules, I find them easy to follow. I always have. I know what to do in certain situations, don't smile at a funeral or laugh at a joke in your head (not that I've done that before) etc. Sometimes I do say inappropriate things, and sometimes offensive, because I seem to 'Forget'. I think of something in my head and instead of processing it and realizing it should stay in my head, I say it and regret afterwards. Unlike you, this doesn't occur when I'm angry or frustrated (I'm hardly ever either of those two emotions), but It did when I was much younger.

Quite often I will find that what other people do confuses me but also intrigues me. I love people watching and just seeing what other people do. In terms of close people, not strangers, I get very wondrous at the way they do something or what that something is. I used to be quite argumentative when it comes to someone doing something that to me seems 'illogical'. I've learnt to bite my tongue as otherwise we have a 10 minute argument that doesn't get us anywhere at all.

I agree with you totally. I only don't interact with other people when I don't know them at all or I am felling a certain emotion/mood.

love of/need for routines and difficulty with change
Not routine driven in the slightest. I have no daily routine or any desire to follow one. I like to plan ahead if i'm going somewhere, have a look on google maps, see how much things will cost etc, but thats it. Changes to plans don't bother me. I do feel let down if someone says they'l do something for you and don't because I wouldn't do that to someone else. Change would affect me in a work place or school though, through anxiety or anger, if I was previously content and someone were to force change i'd see that as them doing something wrong to me personally.

Special Interests - (Obsessive)
Mine is politics - British politics, British Patriotism, and Unionism.. And British History. But lets not go there, that's not what this is about. I'd say its safe to say I'm intensely interested in it and passionate about it.

sensory difficulties ((over-sensitive to touch, sight, smell or sound)
Certain things can really really annoy me like the sound of a certain person on TV, but the main thing is sponges. I cannot touch a sponge, the feeling it gives me is bordering on pain, throughout my body, my skin and my teeth! Its the strangest thing ever to try and explain.
if I touch one i can react with a spasm type overload of something i can't even describe. If I see someone else touch a sponge, I react the same but not as bad, if i even imagine the feeling, i get it, If someone was to think its funny and ring a sponge in front of me i know for a fact i'd physically attack them for doing so..
I love to have a routine, need one in fact. I feel it helps me to know exactly what I'm doing at a particular time. I have a routine for my day (getting up, washing etc.) and it is very reassuring to know what I have to do, so I don't become idle. I don't hate change, but I will question it. I may not question it verbally but mentally I will. I will usually ask myself what possible reasons must there have been to need this change e.g. I was on the motor way once and they changed the signs. It didn't really make a difference to me but I still processed the question 'Why?' in my head.

I am obsessed with Maths. Quite a lot of people avoid the subject but I purposely do stuff to do with it, because I Love It! Now, I could go on a massive rant about how cool it is but seeing as I've written loads already (Sorry..), I better not. I can also get very obsessed with certain TV programmes , and with the internet, watch them non-stop. I will be so engrossed that I won't want to leave for anything, bathroom breaks and snacks included. Once I watched a program for 48 Hours straight (this time I did eat and have bathroom breaks).

I used to not get any sensory issues, except from loving the sensation of things in my mouth - but for me that wasn't an issue, until recently when if I'm stressed I will not be able to stand any noise, even the click of a pen, and I go all tense. I also have high anxiety around small/crowded places. Even thinking of these situations make me feel uncomfortable e.g when I die I would like to be cremated as I cannot stand the thought of my body in a coffin (sorry It's so grim but best example I could think of).

I totally agree that Asperger's and Autism should not be treated the same, there are so many differences. The way it is diagnosed has just recently changed, in the UK, and 'Autism' is now an umbrella term covering Asperger's. I find this decision to be incorrect as even though they are closely linked, they are different and so need to be treated differently. If you have Asperger's you will be diagnosed with High-functioning Autism. The stigma around this is horrible and also means a lot of Aspies (people with Asperger's) will go undiagnosed because of they way it is treated as Autism.

Insensitive to others feelings
I know that I am. I can't really go into this as I don't know how to feel any different. I really don't have the ability to see from anyone elses view, I see black and white, "This is what happened so this is how i see it, so this is how it is".. I have no concept of remorse or pity/compassion/sympathy and "cannot be expected to" coming from one of the top Forensic psychologists in the UK - That didn't help me in court

Motor Clumsiness
I'm the clumsiest person ever, to a dangerous level. The multiple scars on body prove it and i'm only 23.
I am very sensitive towards other people's feelings, too sensitive sometimes. If someone I know cries, I will feel like crying too, sometimes I do, even if the reason they are crying doesn't affect me e.g. A relative of theirs passing away. There have been times that I will do something that causes someone else to get upset (not deliberately) and when I see their emotions, I 'join in'. There was this one time in my primary school where I grabbed what I thought was my maths book, and wrote a foul word in it because I was angry at the other person. It was actually their maths book and they got very upset and cried. I didn't mean to make her so upset, I thought If i wrote in my maths book she wouldn't be so affected, and seeing her cry made me cry as well.

I am also quite clumsy. More so when I was younger, always having bruises up my legs. My mum would get quite worried and take me to the doctors just to see that nothing was wrong. Because of this Motor Difficulty, I struggle with handwriting. That is why I prefer to type, but have learned in some situations you will need to use a pen and paper.

Destructiveness
I am destructive, always have been, pull things apart, break things, almost without noticing i'm doing it sometimes, or what feels like as a form of entertainment or satisfying an urge or curiosity. I'll pick things, break things, tear things, buth things, cut things constantly.
I also am quite destructive, always pushing things to their limits, just to see if I can. I will pull things, rip things, push things, twist things, just to test my strength. This will sometimes lead to being told off, especially when what I break is not my property. I also do it out of curiosity, 'What will happen if I do this?', 'Will this break if I do this?'.

Bottled up anger I'm an angry person, mostly verbal anger, and very easily irritated or upset. This is fine when i'm with family or friends because i'll vent the anger verbally which usually helps ease it, while not an ideal way to behave, its necessary for me, which I wish people would understand and stop trying to prevent/punish (especially for children with similar problems) as it leads to increased anger and usually violent outbursts. People wouldn't try and stop someone with tourettes from swearing for example so why try and stop someone with these sorts of problems venting their anger if only verbally in a short rant for example.

Back on topic of bottled up anger, If the anger comes when I'm in uncomfortable surroundings with no one I know, I then bottle it up, and it ends rapid increase in the anger, with smaller things that normally might only mild annoy me (or not at all) adding to it, which leads to outbursts of anger on a much worse scale.
I do have issues with Bottled up Emotions, but not Anger. I don't have issues with Anger at all and It's usually Sadness that is the Issue for me. I will bottle it up until I cannot hold any more. When I'm nearly full (I like to think of it as an actual bottle that you are filling up - I love analogies), the smallest thing will make me overload. That also means sometimes I get more upset at the fact that I'm upset over a very small thing, that has never affected me before (when in fact it is a combination of things). I used to have episodes where I would continually cry about a lot of things. I would think of one thing to cry about, but then I think of something else and I keep crying and crying, about non-related things. People always say 'Don't cry', but you really need to.

violent outbursts
As above, I do suffer from outbursts of anger or violence. I have no control over this. I feel I have no control over a lot of my personality and actions generally. I won't violently react to someone for annoying me even if they annoy me a lot. I verbally express my anger usully. Its if I have to bottle it up, or if someone persistently does the same things, Ignoring me that I have the outbursts. I've been in a lot of trouble over these in the past and I genuinely feel i had no control but try explaining that to the police who think aspergers is just mild social difficulties!
I can relate to what you are saying but not as much as some other things you have said. I used to get very annoyed when I was younger and have verbal outbursts I felt I couldn't control. I too feel I have no control over some of my actions and part of my personality. As I have had a lot of help, I most likely don't have these issues any more because I have been taught how to control/manage them. I have a tendency to hide my emotions, from myself, unwillingly - I don't control it. I get stressed and annoyed at myself because of this and does not help how I feel.

Sadism
The less said the better, i'm not totally sadistic but I have moments.
Unfortunately, I cannot relate or say that I have sadistic moments.

That's my summery of how aspergers(?) affects me. The social side of it is limited, very limited, I can sit in a pub and talk to even strangers with ease. Only in situations where i feel i'm being watched or judged or have to conform in a certain way am I affected by social problems.

However there are other things that make me wonder..

I go through long periods of depression in varying severity. Sometimes its a feeling of being down in the dumps, fed up etc, but sometimes its a feeling of grief or despair i can't explain the cause of whatsoever. That feeling when a relationship you valued ends or you lose a loved one, the raw horrible painful feeling, I can have it for weeks, while there might (sometimes) be a reason the feelings are far too out of proportion to the thing or things that have caused them. I've never thought of killing myself, but i've wished i had a button at the side of the bed to "end game" at times.
The social side of my Asperger's is also limited. I, like you, can sit with my friends and have a good conversation and also with strangers as well. If I do need to be judged or watched, I really struggle with knowing what to do and how to act.

I also have had periods of depression, but mine have been very short. When they happen they are intense but no-so as well. Intense in the fact that I do want to kill myself but I don't feel hopeless or grief of any kind.

When I'm feeling mildly depressed, and when i'm feeling normal (but not when really depressed), I get odd moments of feelings of happiness, a strange excited sort of invincible feeling, that is out of nowhere, with no cause most of the time. I can get up to go get my phone charger and as i'm walking through I get hit with this incredible strange sensation. It can last ten seconds or a few hours. I can't begin to explain these things to a doctor.
Now, I have never experienced this sensation before, but with this and periods of depression, It does sound like it could be a mild case of Bi-polar. But then again the 'manic episodes' you describe could easily just be the Asperger's. But then there's the depression. Also, that could be just Asperger's, as quite a lot of people with Asperger's, also suffer with depression. All I'm saying is it would be good to tell a doctor, in some way, about these experiences. That could be writing it down, if you feel you can't talk, but It's best they know. Actually, thinking about it. It is probably nothing except the Asperger's because Manic Episodes in Bi-polar usually last about a week.

I wouldn't be surprised if i had some kind of personality disorder or something, as sometimes (most of the time) I try and be polite, help people I know, try and be positive about things, and at other times i'm like a totally different person. I can say the worst things ever in an argument and then afterwords I point blank can't remember what i've said in a fit of rage and fury. People tell me, shocked, expecting an apology (which if i gave would be insincere anyway because of the way I am, something they said made me say it so I therefor justify it perfectly) and I quite often have no idea what they're talking about. I can change so much in 5 mins, my opinions don't change, but my feelings do, from positive about something going well, to depressed and utter despair and no optimism at all, to anger at others, all within a short time scale. I can be in a perfectly good happy mood and turn into a snarling angry mess for next to nothing, if a TV programme starts to annoy me for example which can be for no reason.
What you've described does sound like it should be investigated. I have a friend, who also has Asperger's, and she experiences quite a lot of what you've said. We are not that close, so I don't know much about her, but she has said she is on a lot of different medication. That suggests to me that she doesn't just have Asperger's and something else is causing her to act this way. I have a number of Aspie friends and no one 'acts' like this apart form that particular one (I don't want to mention names). She never remembers the episodes and the littlest thing can 'set her off'. She will be so happy, talking to me during our break, and then she thinks about something and talks of dying and killing herself. Quite a lot of different disorders do occur in people in with Asperger's/Autism. A number of my friends also have things like OCD, Clinical Depression, Anxiety Disorders etc.

I spend a lot of time a paranoid wreck as well. Looking back I can see i was paranoid but when I'm in those states I can't.

I was arrested 3 years ago, a guy made me break the law, by asking me to back him up to get some money he was owed. Given that I take everything so literally I never questioned it, thinking it was legit, and it turned out he wasn't owed money.. Trying to explain everything like why I took part and how I could have not questioned his story was the hardest thing ever. Because I don't make things up I can't grasp someone else doing it. Not someone I trust.

Anyway, i was tried seperatly, which isn't usually the case in scots law, they use the "Art-and-part" concept to say two people acting together are jointly responsible for eachothers actions. They decided to try me separately on account of my aspergers and a report from a Forensic Psychologist saying I couldn't be held responsible for another's actions and I could easily have been convinced of anything by someone I trust. I had to wait for a decision if they'd charge me or not while on bail.

I rarely ever left my house for 8 months (left maybe 4 or 5 times of my own accord very briefly but had severe problems with trying to go anywhere...) and I thought that every time my door went, or a car came into my street it was the Police. I was constantly on edge when I heard a car approach, at the window to check, day after day after day. If my door went I was hiding and looking out the window to see if it was the police. I actually went to a lawyer as I thought the police were following me about when I eventually did go out... I see now it was daft, but at the time, I was a wreck over it.

I get paranoid that people know things about me too. That when they say something they're mocking me about something.

I don't know if paranoid is the right word to use for all that either. But the paranoya and moods make me think I might not only have Aspergers but something else on top..
The Paranoia you have described is not a trait of Asperger's but of something that can come with it. People with ASD are more likely to have other Mental Health Issues as well. It's because of how the brain works. It is quite difficult to find out what these are in people with Asperger's because of the social communication they lack. If you find it easier to write, then write! My therapist says that to me about my bottled up feelings, and I believe it is a good idea. I know it can be hard to talk to someone about your issues but in order for you to feel better, this needs to be addressed. I totally sympathize as I have had very short episodes of Paranoia and cannot imagine for as long as you describe it. It must be Awful!

Apologies for the length of this but hopefully some people have enjoyed reading how things affect me, it could help if your kids or a friend has aspergers as its very hard for them to tell you about things.. Also it might help someone point me in the right direction re my own problems if in anyone's experience I may have something on top of aspergers or not. This may help me approach a doctor which I struggle to do.
Don't Worry about the length! I wrote a lot, Lol! I also like reading about other peoples experiences with ASD and am always willing to help you if you have any questions. Also, try your best to go and see a doctor. I know it is daunting, especially for you, but in the end you will feel better.

Hope this helps
~mindprobs13 xx :hug5:
 
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