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how about we depressed people talk through skype and be friends ?

M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
no ?
I thought as a loner with no friends in entire life that's the only way to have friends but maybe it's harder since nobody wants to if they are all loners.
Not all mental people are though.
My health ,skin, eyes, everything is a mess.
I have no job experiences. Not much of skills to show.
The problem is that everybody just has to get a job and move on with their families if you don't like them.
But I have ocd and a hikikomori (shut in home).
I've improved a lot recently. I go out almost everyday now. I used to take showers for hours after leaving home and coming back and went out only once every 2 weeks to 2 months.
I've even got a job for few days.
I think I need to just get any job and stick to it. Don't think about the future
or the possibility that I might get a better job.
Always constantly playing with pc and making excuse I'm gonna look for a job
or study and not doing anything for improvement.

This world is a complete chaos. Like some people are so happy and some
are living so cruel messed up and even the happy can die any moment.

Posting here won't improve anything but it's like venting (expressing anger)
Already went to see mental doctor and I couldn't even express anything at all.
They are also a listener not a helper. So I'm just gonna express.

I'm mentally severly bad. Everybody thinks I'm a messed up weirdo.
Yes it is. but at the same time the so called "normal" people are the ones who are
the most messed up. (Don't wanna explain because it's beyond offensive and always got deleted when I post on other websites.)

I live in a bad country. My brother beat me for 20 years and my parents could care less or act as so called "normal" behavior. ACTING like they care. But way too busy
to go meet with friends and by their own whatever they like.

But in the same time I question what could've I've done if I were the parent and if parents were me ? Well I would've thrown my child ,brother into wherever facility
so he can't harm any of my family memebers or go any bad but in this hell hole
garbage country I don't think there is any facility like that.
Call the cops and they will not interfere with family matters. So it's completely pointsless.

Now I'm 30. I'm still thinking he will beat me or even kill me.

He says he got this traumatic nightmare of having dream of still beating me.
But it's pure laughable.

Yesterday he provided massive annoyance to me and my family member.
I was taking a shower and he was talking to my parents that I have
issues so how to solve it. (he says it was about how he was in disadvantage
by others telling him to solve his little brothers problem because he is the so
called normal human being with a job and social skills.)
But I was taking a shower. The sound was like somebody angry making
endless complain to my parents.
So I can't believe he was actually talking about how to solve my issues or
actually complaining like I thought.

We went to the mall and I always like the expensive fancy restaurants and also
because there is no such restaurant that is not expensive and have foods that I
actually want to eat. I love eating cheap raw vegetables in fact at home.
I'd even ask if we would want to buy 1 dollar bread and they'd take as a joke.
If I ask about expensive place they'd refuse. If I ask we go somewhere far
for reasonable price, they'd go "it's too far"
If I ask for cheap place then my big brother would go "yeah let's just go there because
we are wasting time" (Like as if I'm the as hole who always go picky)
So I ask let's just split so we don't suffer and they'd ignore that as well.
It's just pain to go somewhere with my big brother.

So while through whole day I ignored. I ignored through the 20 min shower while
I was constantly hearing the complaining talking TONE.
And when I stopped the water. I heard he was talking about me acting like me.

I went my room locked the door. Turned loud rock music.
I couldn't help. I attacked my desk and wardrobe has a crack.

I screamed as loud as I can I'm gonna cut their parts into pieces and blend them.

After few mins I screamed again to lock their doors because I'm gonna stab them with knife when they are sleeping.

And this serial killer potential abusive big brother smashed the locked door and came in
so easily. I can't believe the door was that weak.
He isn't even buff. Very skinny. I guess arnold can break even metal doors then.

I thought I was gonna get killed for sure. I was surprised that he could come in my room the door got easily broken and I'm gonna get killed.
I screamed that I'm gonna murder him don't approach.
He then yelled his not gonna kill me. And then shut the fk up or I'm gonna kill you.
Since I'm a pussy and he told me he will not kill me. and as human nature I don't want
to get killed and just let it pass I sat down and he said he was talking about my issues
and how to solve them with my family members. I couldn't believe it.
Also screamed and complained a whole bunch about how he had to work and buy me stuff and cook me food and do all the stuff for my ocd issues.
It's true that he did those for me.
He said he's the only one who actually care for me.
Then he said he has that trauma for beating me.
But I can't believe that he said if I hit you it would've been over so he didn't hit me even though he wanted to.
And that makes me think he would've hit me because he got so angry but he didn't this time.
Don't understand a person with trauma of hitting someone actually wanted to hit me
no matter what the cause.
If I was in America, my family would be all in jail for beating me and not protecting me
for my parents.
I really hate my country. I could die if my country can get completely bombed and erased from the earth.
I can't trust my country people so I stay far away from them so I don't get anybody
hurting me again. This is another government related crap of this country problem I have which made me a complete mental.
I'm also gay and want to get friends and boy friend but I can't because all the foreigners love my country and that's mostly the only reason they'll visit this mess
which will make them think I'm a freak to date or be friends.
There is this thing where my country people always agree on.
It's like I'm surrounded by illogical aliens. They are not to be reasoned with because
I'm out numbered. I think Americans would understand me. Because they are reasonable. And people will think I'm spoiled or something but no poor countries culture are not likable or popular. Also stubborn and cowarded to make change when the country controls them like slaves.

totally he had no reason to rescue? me by smashing the door. He only got
angry because a slave dare to swear at him behind the door.
so he wanted to smash the door and yell at me.

( He said he broke the door to rescue me from me getting way too over angered
yelling and getting scars by smashing stuff. 100 percent pure lie.
He definitely wanted to kill me and beat me and complain. Also wanted
my mom to get shocked and had to pay money to fix it.
But told me he didn't wanted mom to get shocked was also the reason.
Me screaming is a shock when he smashed a freaking door ?
He was the one who caused this whole thing. I want to ask him if I was
him annoying him through the whole holiday where we were supposed to have
a family reunion holiday and have a great day and yet if I were messing the
whole family relation by complaining and messing the mood and then
talked in a tone to someone while he was taking a shower would he not
get suspicious ? and not get angry ? would he ask right away "are you
swearing and backstabbing me ?" Or just go into room and go to conclusions
because he did talk like he was me and it sounded like a retard.
At least get some space go outside and talk in a coffee shop. Don't spit and poop
on my face in a 0 distance where I can't even IGNORE.

then he said like a psycho parent .

Don't talk with offensive tone or never smash stuff because you get scar and my heart breaks.

can you believe it ? he just break the whole freaking door which will cost 300$ to fix. and always been the one to beat me for decades. and he thinks I'm the one to worry who will smash stuff ? I've never smashed a thing in my life, just a crack.
And he smashed a chair, door, and load of more stuff beat actual living human being for decades and got AWAY from massive crime.
Now I can't stop imagining of murdering him every single day and swearing
making my heart race. but I also gotta do some ACTING of not looking angry.
because even when I'm angry and I know I have no RIGHT to get angry so I
just shut up and stay quiet when he talks to me. And yet that was way too
offensive for his almight majesty. So I gotta act unless I want to die by getting
beat up. I actually thought it be better to just get killed by this guy if I have to
live like this then he will suffer by having no more HUMAN SAND BAG to beat up
or else he will end up in jail beating up somewhere on street.

Mom says "were you scared ? did you actually thought he was gonna kill you ?
why did you bother making him angry ? " she is helpless.

She used to scold my big brother then when he was abusive she got pussied out
and suddenly went acting class turning her focus of scolding to me.


Ok that's the end of my rent. I know nothing will change unless I get a job and move away by my money.
 
Last edited:
M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
no ?
I thought as a loner with no friends in entire life that's the only way to have friends but maybe it's harder since nobody wants to if they are all loners.
Not all mental people are though.
My health ,skin, eyes, everything is a mess.
I have no job experiences. Not much of skills to show.
The problem is that everybody just has to get a job and move on with their families if you don't like them.
But I have ocd and a hikikomori (shut in home).
I've improved a lot recently. I go out almost everyday now. I used to take showers for hours after leaving home and coming back and went out only once every 2 weeks to 2 months.
I've even got a job for few days.
I think I need to just get any job and stick to it. Don't think about the future
or the possibility that I might get a better job.
Always constantly playing with pc and making excuse I'm gonna look for a job
or study and not doing anything for improvement.

This world is a complete chaos. Like some people are so happy and some
are living so cruel messed up and even the happy can die any moment.

Posting here won't improve anything but it's like venting (expressing anger)
Already went to see mental doctor and I couldn't even express anything at all.
They are also a listener not a helper. So I'm just gonna express.

I'm mentally severly bad. Everybody thinks I'm a messed up weirdo.
Yes it is. but at the same time the so called "normal" people are the ones who are
the most messed up. (Don't wanna explain because it's beyond offensive and always got deleted when I post on other websites.)

I live in a bad country. My brother beat me for 20 years and my parents could care less or act as so called "normal" behavior. ACTING like they care. But way too busy
to go meet with friends and by their own whatever they like.

But in the same time I question what could've I've done if I were the parent and if parents were me ? Well I would've thrown my child ,brother into wherever facility
so he can't harm any of my family memebers or go any bad but in this hell hole
garbage country I don't think there is any facility like that.
Call the cops and they will not interfere with family matters. So it's completely pointsless.

Now I'm 30. I'm still thinking he will beat me or even kill me.

He says he got this traumatic nightmare of having dream of still beating me.
But it's pure laughable.

Yesterday he provided massive annoyance to me and my family member.
I was taking a shower and he was talking to my parents that I have
issues so how to solve it. (he says it was about how he was in disadvantage
by others telling him to solve his little brothers problem because he is the so
called normal human being with a job and social skills.)
But I was taking a shower. The sound was like somebody angry making
endless complain to my parents.
So I can't believe he was actually talking about how to solve my issues or
actually complaining like I thought.

We went to the mall and I always like the expensive fancy restaurants and also
because there is no such restaurant that is not expensive and have foods that I
actually want to eat. I love eating cheap raw vegetables in fact at home.
I'd even ask if we would want to buy 1 dollar bread and they'd take as a joke.
If I ask about expensive place they'd refuse. If I ask we go somewhere far
for reasonable price, they'd go "it's too far"
If I ask for cheap place then my big brother would go "yeah let's just go there because
we are wasting time" (Like as if I'm the as hole who always go picky)
So I ask let's just split so we don't suffer and they'd ignore that as well.
It's just pain to go somewhere with my big brother.

So while through whole day I ignored. I ignored through the 20 min shower while
I was constantly hearing the complaining talking TONE.
And when I stopped the water. I heard he was talking about me acting like me.

I went my room locked the door. Turned loud rock music.
I couldn't help. I attacked my desk and wardrobe has a crack.

I screamed as loud as I can I'm gonna cut their parts into pieces and blend them.

After few mins I screamed again to lock their doors because I'm gonna stab them with knife when they are sleeping.

And this serial killer potential abusive big brother smashed the locked door and came in
so easily. I can't believe the door was that weak.
He isn't even buff. Very skinny. I guess arnold can break even metal doors then.

I thought I was gonna get killed for sure. I was surprised that he could come in my room the door got easily broken and I'm gonna get killed.
I screamed that I'm gonna murder him don't approach.
He then yelled his not gonna kill me. And then shut the fk up or I'm gonna kill you.
Since I'm a pussy and he told me he will not kill me. and as human nature I don't want
to get killed and just let it pass I sat down and he said he was talking about my issues
and how to solve them with my family members. I couldn't believe it.
Also screamed and complained a whole bunch about how he had to work and buy me stuff and cook me food and do all the stuff for my ocd issues.
It's true that he did those for me.
He said he's the only one who actually care for me.
Then he said he has that trauma for beating me.
But I can't believe that he said if I hit you it would've been over so he didn't hit me even though he wanted to.
And that makes me think he would've hit me because he got so angry but he didn't this time.
Don't understand a person with trauma of hitting someone actually wanted to hit me
no matter what the cause.
If I was in America, my family would be all in jail for beating me and not protecting me
for my parents.
I really hate my country. I could die if my country can get completely bombed and erased from the earth.
I can't trust my country people so I stay far away from them so I don't get anybody
hurting me again. This is another government related crap of this country problem I have which made me a complete mental.
I'm also gay and want to get friends and boy friend but I can't because all the foreigners love my country and that's mostly the only reason they'll visit this mess
which will make them think I'm a freak to date or be friends.
There is this thing where my country people always agree on.
It's like I'm surrounded by illogical aliens. They are not to be reasoned with because
I'm out numbered. I think Americans would understand me. Because they are reasonable. And people will think I'm spoiled or something but no poor countries culture are not likable or popular. Also stubborn and cowarded to make change when the country controls them like slaves.

totally he had no reason to rescue? me by smashing the door. He only got
angry because a slave dare to swear at him behind the door.
so he wanted to smash the door and yell at me.

( He said he broke the door to rescue me from me getting way too over angered
yelling and getting scars by smashing stuff. 100 percent pure lie.
He definitely wanted to kill me and beat me and complain. Also wanted
my mom to get shocked and had to pay money to fix it.
But told me he didn't wanted mom to get shocked was also the reason.
Me screaming is a shock when he smashed a freaking door ?
He was the one who caused this whole thing. I want to ask him if I was
him annoying him through the whole holiday where we were supposed to have
a family reunion holiday and have a great day and yet if I were messing the
whole family relation by complaining and messing the mood and then
talked in a tone to someone while he was taking a shower would he not
get suspicious ? and not get angry ? would he ask right away "are you
swearing and backstabbing me ?" Or just go into room and go to conclusions
because he did talk like he was me and it sounded like a retard.
At least get some space go outside and talk in a coffee shop. Don't spit and poop
on my face in a 0 distance where I can't even IGNORE.

then he said like a psycho parent .

Don't talk with offensive tone or never smash stuff because you get scar and my heart breaks.

can you believe it ? he just break the whole freaking door which will cost 300$ to fix. and always been the one to beat me for decades. and he thinks I'm the one to worry who will smash stuff ? I've never smashed a thing in my life, just a crack.
And he smashed a chair, door, and load of more stuff beat actual living human being for decades and got AWAY from massive crime.
Now I can't stop imagining of murdering him every single day and swearing
making my heart race. but I also gotta do some ACTING of not looking angry.
because even when I'm angry and I know I have no RIGHT to get angry so I
just shut up and stay quiet when he talks to me. And yet that was way too
offensive for his almight majesty. So I gotta act unless I want to die by getting
beat up. I actually thought it be better to just get killed by this guy if I have to
live like this then he will suffer by having no more HUMAN SAND BAG to beat up
or else he will end up in jail beating up somewhere on street.

Mom says "were you scared ? did you actually thought he was gonna kill you ?
why did you bother making him angry ? " she is helpless.

She used to scold my big brother then when he was abusive she got pussied out
and suddenly went acting class turning her focus of scolding to me.


He start beating since around 13 years old. Almost everyday
for 1 hour to 3 hours and trash talking and swearing at me there was no right
answer if I said something he didn't wanted or maybe there was no answer.
He just kick my stomach and I felt like I was gonna die but he kept kicking.
I wish I died back then,then he's life was in jail getting anul raped. and he'd
have no slaves.

He beat me like this until I went to high school. Around 17 or 18.
Then there was less beating going on but it did happen and I was scared to
death ,always thought he'd kill me. Like how in horror movies when Jason
comes toward you. Nobody will take this serious and only as a joke.
But I was scared so much. And that's a 1000000000000 endless times of
a traumatic experience. And this happend again. Probably gonna happen
even when I'm in my 70s or 100s. unless I remove my family from the family
list and live my own life becoming independent.

Ok that's the end of my rent. I know nothing will change unless I get a job and move away by my money.
 
M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
I could'n't edit. this so I posted a new one. I should've replied instead.
Please DELETE this post.
I already reposted a new one.
 
M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
Thinking that he's definitely the one suffering. and thinking doing little chore will make me forgive him
is beyond delusional. The decades of him beating me. The memory and physical and mental problem will
never ever go away and there is nothing that will make him pay for what he did to me.
He should be bowing down to me and do everything to me. I didn't even trash talk or beat him once.
and he couldn't stand me is beyond ridiculous. Of course I didn't only in front of his face like he always does like a daily routine to me. because he'd blew up the whole house and my parents would be scared and say
your brother is so mature and shit so they won't blame him unless they want to get killed.
 
M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
my big brother said " don't mention the past" and yet he mentioned the things he did in the last few years.
So he gets make all the rules ?
Why can't I mention the things he did to me for decades ? and yet he does ?
Probably he doesn't even want to take the suffering of whatever trauma dream he is having(of course no he doesn't have trauma only sweet dreams of boxing)
and don't want a slave bitching.
Is he law maker ? I was beat up until like 20s. So why does he get to mention up to 6 years but no 10 years ?
and he already gave another trauamtic abusive experience to me again just few days ago.
Happened from time to time. Just got lesser after 20s. He'd throw a chair at me making me think I'm gonna get my limbs disfunctional. Smashed a chair and smashed the wardrobe.
Yeah that kind of things happened from time to time. after 20s.
And major child abusive when I was younger than an adult.
 
M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
I wish I could be the lucky guy to be born in rich country with human rights with freedom.
I wish I could be the lucky guy who looked cute.
Only if I didn't wanted to look cute, I'd be working out all day becoming muscular and big as 120kg
and beating the living hell out of my whole family whole day for fun.
The 3 hour routine he put me through would be a joke. I would do 12 hours a day. 12 hours straight
questioning and tension being scared by me. Would be a lot of fun.
Me being the one to smash the TV that I don't even bother to watch. The bed he uses. The drawer he uses.
Probably throw all of them at him until it smashes probably breaking his several bones and won't be able to
call the cops since it's a family matter.
It be a lot of fun.
And my parents would start saying I'm the one who is mature and cool so stop making me angry you dumb
big brother. lol
 
M

mesmilenow

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2015
Messages
17
My vent journal. don't know if it's vent the right word for expressing anger.
Feels better if I feel like somebody is at least reading this or something.

They hate me for doing ocd stuff. Like if I say I will do the ocd stuff without your help because you hate it
then he'll go "why go that far to those when you could just not do it ?"

So I was trying to use the printer in his room. Like I usually say print it for me because I have ocd to go in his
room but I said I will do all the printing and you can just completely ignore me.
But he wouldn't. He just couldn't get it off his thick skull.
He said it's holiday and why would you come in my room to bother my sleeping ?

This doesn't make sense. Because usually he would be happy to help me especially when I got a job
and it's for the job. He said he would open a party if I become better.

But yea it's bull shit after all. My family don't have the party blood. We will never have that screaming laughing
but only watching movie and eating food and quietly end the day with some stress and annoyed by each other.
So I please hope they don't say let's go for a family trip to even foreign countries which I love to go but don't have money. Even if they wanted it be a forced disaster I can't avoid by thsese psychos.

Normally he should've just ignored as I went in his room and print but he was like offensed of the thought of me doing the ocd activity.
I always am pretty noisy when doing the dishes and going to the bathroom and stuff.
Why would he go so angry about me just visiting his room for a short time ?
It's always like this. He just hates the thought of me doing the ocd not because he wanted a privacy
and a quiet day for his holiday. After all he doesn't have insomnia to the level just like me.
I need 2 hours to fall asleep. or more.
Also he works only 3 hours. Yea I don't work at all but he only works that short.
If he wanted he could sleep any time.
He just couldn't bare a single day for me just go in his room and print something.
That kind of thing is only imaginable by a ocd person like me. Don't come in my room because I have
ocd, because I don't like you sitting on my chair or touching my pc.

Even today my mom had to move this trash can from here to there.
When I already moved to another spot twice.
I can't get rid of the thought she did it on purpose.

They won't put the shoes inside the shoe drawer.
I hate the dirty shoes right beside when I past to go for the fridge.
The house structure is so bad. Will get knees scratched so badly because the
drawer for the TV is sharp and there is a small floor to step to go to the fridge.
Right next to that is the floor to put the shoes and the door to go out from home.

Normally they always put their shoes inside the shoe cabinet or drawer or whatever it's called.
It's always been like that without exception. But since I hate that idea, they seem to enjoy
to leave the shoes outside and not put it back inside the shoe drawer.
Also they love to collect 50 old shoes they would never ever wear.
Mom and dad lives overseas. only mom visited after few months.
Which means about 30 shoes are for my parents they barely come here and never even ONCE wear these
shoes.
By the way I only got 3 shoes. It's a stress to see the drawer so full with trash artifact ancient shoes blocking
my space to put inside.
The only reason even I got 3 shoes is there are purposes for shoes to wear for which place I go.
I usually had only 1 shoe and that was more than enough.
I stepped on a huge worm. I threw that shoe away. It was so stressful I couldn't get rid of the thought
I had to throw it away whole day. I felt the feeling of the bug on my feet. It was so giant.
I'm very scared of bugs like they are ghost.

The door he broke is still broken. Don't know when somebody is gonna fix it.
Gonna take few weeks or longer. And I have to be alerted every time I want to masturbate
or whatever I want to do. Don't want anybody coming in while I can't even lock the door.
I can't watch a movie without them suddenly coming in.

I stack some shows I love to watch all at once with some snacks and drinks.
This is the only lonely party I enjoy for my crappy life.
And if they ruin my party. I'd be so angry.
Not because somebody interfered but because I won't be able to ignore the fixing person drilling and the
smell of the drilling and noise can't ignore that and just watch the show,movie or whatever.
And my brother couldn't care less about fixing the door or pay for the door he smashed to make me feel
better. (Ofcourse it would not make me any better but yea it would make me better than not caring.
Just like I would rather get some bribe money from him than nothing after smashing my door.)

I think he sometimes track me so he could investigate my phsycho ness. It's not psycho.
he's the psycho. because i have no fault. I'm always been the innocent.
But if the so called normal people have seen me they would think I'm the pyscho since I don't have money.
not the job. If I had money people couldn't care less about me being hikikomori.
And also that I don't talk much with strangers.
Although I'm otaku hikikomori, I do go out and don't get afraid of people watching me or anything.
I used to be scared of going out though. I'ts gotten better. Still I do feel some sense that somebody is
constantly watching me. I used to be so paranoid. I'm still but a lot better.

I wanted to watch my favorite shows today but it's messed up. He drank my favorite drink.
Now I only got snacks with water.
he ruinded my party.
Also the fact that it's the guy I want to murder is so annoying. He couldn't just stop but make me pissed again.
Why couldn't he just leave one ? I bought 2 so he should've left one.

If only there was a way to just shut down my brain to death easily.
If I could just shut down my brain so I can sleep without wasting 5 hours more
on sleeping total 8+5=13 hours on bed.

If there was a way to go overseas to see a doctor since nobody here can fix
my shoulder, eyes, skin. seems liek the doctor are busy lying.

If only there was a way to release anger easily. Like just drink a stress relieve
drink and gone like hunger goes away after eating.

Can't stop thinking of annoying stuff. It just won't go away from my head.
 
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